


Bulletproof

by WaitingForMyHogwartsLetter



Series: Alyssaverse [1]
Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Divergent Fusion, Alyssa is alyssa, Basically the plot of Divergent with my oc Alyssa, Bisexual Female Character, I wrote this for myself and four months later thought yeah i'll publish why not, Idk what you expect here, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Murphy Is a Little Shit (The 100), Multi, Murphyssa brotp because I love them, She's divergent, The 100 Divergent AU, You can have a little Murven, and the characters of The 100, and we love her for it, as a treat, no beta we die like tris prior?, rip to tris but lyss is built different, she has knives, she's a bitch, too soon? i know it's been years but i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 41
Words: 88,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28076403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaitingForMyHogwartsLetter/pseuds/WaitingForMyHogwartsLetter
Summary: On choosing day, Alyssa is given the chance to escape the life of the factionless that she was born into, and find a place to belong.But Dauntless is a dangerous place for people like her, and she's probably the worst at not drawing attention to herself.Basically a Divergent x The 100 fusion with the characters of the 100 in the Divergent universe, except from the POV of my oc Alyssa.
Relationships: Alyssa Jones & Clarke Griffin, Alyssa Jones & John Murphy, Alyssa Jones & Nathan Miller, Alyssa Jones & Raven Reyes, Alyssa Jones/Knives, Bellamy Blake/Alyssa Jones, Bellamy Blake/Original Female Character(s), John Murphy/Raven Reyes, Monty Green/Harper McIntyre, Nathan Miller & John Murphy
Series: Alyssaverse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056812
Kudos: 7





	1. It’s Time To Go, The Engine’s Runnin’

**Author's Note:**

> Any fics that are Alyssa POV and aren't The 100 canonverse are now in the series 'Alyssaverse' because I love her and will never stop writing for her.
> 
> chapter title from Scars by James Bay

I walked towards the school for the aptitude test alongside Harper. I met Harper a few years ago— she’s Abnegation— when her family was helping some of the other factionless. When my dad got kicked out of Erudite before I was born, and my mother went with him, my family ended up factionless. The only good thing that came out of that was meeting Harper, especially after my mother died. 

“Nervous?” She asked, slinging an arm around me.

“Why would I be?” I joked, “I’m very clearly going to be Amity because of my ‘peaceful and forgiving nature’.” I could barely get the words out before bursting out laughing, “God, I’m terrified. I have no idea what I’m going to get. I hate that we’re not told anything in advance.” 

Harper nodded, “That, and you’re naturally _really_ nosey so I know this must be killing you.” 

I swatted her arm gently, rolling my eyes. “If your parents heard you taking that tone with someone they’d politely murder you.” 

“My parents aren’t here,” she scowled at me. “And I think this whole thing is ridiculous. Why divide people based on personalities? Surely it’d be boring if everyone you knew was exactly the same?”

“It’d be boring, but boring is ‘peaceful’ and isn’t the whole point of the factions to keep the peace?” I pointed out, vaguely remembering a lecture. “Something about not repeating the wars that are the reason this city has walls?” 

Harper sighed, “I want to go out there someday. I know it’s basically a wasteland, but I just want to see it. We can’t be the last of the human race, what if there’s people out there?” 

“Oh, there’s people out there, for sure,” I agreed. “But we’re never allowed to meet them. It sucks.” 

We arrived at the school for the tests and sat through the initial introduction about how the tests only provided guidance and despite the result, you could choose any faction, and the choice was final, and a load of other things that I wasn’t paying attention to. I mean sure, I should’ve been listening since today basically decides my whole life, but the rest was pretty self-explanatory, right? Plus, I had Harper to answer any questions I might have had. 

It was optional for the factionless to take the aptitude test when they reach sixteen, but without it you’re not allowed to take part in the choosing ceremony, and it’s this whole annoying thing and basically you’re stuck factionless forever… something I really don’t want. 

When the introduction lecture was over, they took us ten at a time towards the testing rooms. Usually the test was administered by Abnegation volunteers, except for the tests for Abnegation kids and factionless kids since the Abnegation say it’s a conflict of interest to administer tests to their own faction, and since the factionless kids are almost completely brought up by the Abnegation families the same rules seem to apply. 

When it was time for Harper and I to have our tests, we joined the eight others in the walk to the classrooms and waited outside until the doors opened. She smiled at me encouragingly before going into her room and I sent a thumbs up. Down the other end of the corridor, I heard another kid sigh and announce, “Well, I was always crap at tests,” and I had to fight back a laugh as I walked inside the mirrored room. 

There was a single chair in the centre, with all kinds of weird wires leading from a computer up to it and I pulled a face at how uncomfortable it looked. “Damn, love the torture device,” I announced, instead of saying ‘hello’ like a normal person. 

The woman by the computer looked up and raised an eyebrow, “I’ve seen a torture device, kid. It doesn’t look like this. I’m Charmaine Diyoza and I’ll be administering your test today.” 

“I know I’m not supposed to ask questions about the test, but—” 

She cut me off, “Are you sure you know you’re not supposed to ask? Because it kind of seems like you’re about to ask.” 

“Oh, I’m definitely asking,” I clarified. “Does it hurt?” 

“Depends,” Diyoza shrugged. 

I frowned. “On what?”

“Whether or not you make it painful.” 

“You’re filling me with confidence,” I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm as I sat down in the chair and she handed me a vial with a clear liquid in. “What’s in this?” 

“Can’t answer,” she reminded me. “But it won’t kill you. At least, I don’t think anyone’s died from it _yet._ ” 

I scoffed, “Once again, filling me with confidence.” I downed the drink and felt my eyes begin to close. “See you on the other side.” 

When I opened my eyes again, I was in the school cafeteria, and it was empty except for a table that had a knife and a piece of cheese on it. A voice echoed from above, “Choose.” 

“What do I do with it?” 

“Choose,” was the only reply I got.

“Alright,” I shrugged, grabbing both at the same time to see what would happen. Nothing did, so I looked around and waited. “Is that it? I failed, didn’t I?” I couldn’t help but laugh, “I definitely failed.” 

I spun the knife between my fingers, walking around the room and looking for any clues to what would happen next, or what I had to do. Footsteps padded lightly behind me and I spun around to find a large dog baring its teeth. Huh, so the cheese would’ve pacified it and the knife would kill it. Makes sense. The dog advanced towards me and I tossed it the piece of cheese first. It ate it quickly and laid down on the floor so I pushed the knife up my sleeve. 

“Well that could’ve been worse,” I shrugged, sitting down on the floor next to it and giving it a scratch behind the ears. “You’re not that bad.” 

Another set of footsteps appeared but this time they didn’t belong to an animal. Harper stood at the edge of the room, “Aww, he’s adorable! What’s his name?” 

The dog shot up, baring its teeth and growling at her as Harper backed away, trying to pacify it. It lunged and I tackled it, throwing myself on top of it and pulling the knife out of my sleeve until both the dog and I fell through the floor and landed in an empty alleyway. At least, it seemed empty at first. When the dog disappeared around the corner, I followed it to find a bus stop. As the bus arrived, I got on, guessing that was what I was supposed to be doing. 

A man slid into the seat next to me and pulled out a newspaper. He pointed to the front page and nudged me, “Do you know this man?” When I looked up, I realised the hands he was holding the newspaper with were covered in burn scars.

I frowned, “Why the hell would I know him? I don’t even know you?” I took another look at the picture and realised coincidentally I _did_ know him. He was Factionless and lived above me. He seemed like an okay person, and I wasn’t really the type who gets into conversations with strangers that much so I shrugged, “Yeah, I don’t know him. Why?” 

“He is responsible for this,” he gestured to the scarring. “Do you know him? If you know him, you could save me.” 

“I don’t know him.” 

Everything went black and when I opened my eyes again, I was sitting upright in the chair as Diyoza furiously tapped on the keyboard for the computer. “Get up,” she announced. 

I pulled a face, “Nice to see you too. What’s my result?” 

“I’m taking you out the back. When you go home, tell your family that the serum made you sick and I sent you home early,” Diyoza changed the subject, all but dragging me towards the door. 

“My result, _please_ ,” I refused to move. “That’s the whole point of this, isn’t it? To tell me which faction to choose tomorrow?”

Diyoza sighed, “Erudite, and Dauntless, and Abnegation. The test results are inconclusive.” 

“Wait, that’s a thing?” 

“You can’t tell anyone about this. As far as everyone is concerned, your result was Erudite, because I’m manually inputting it. Tomorrow you can choose whatever the hell you want, but you can’t tell anyone about this. There’s a name for this, _Divergent._ ” 

If it has a name, it has to be well-known, right? “I… don’t follow. We aren’t supposed to tell anyone about our results anyway?” 

“This is different,” was the last thing she advised me before shoving me out the door and slamming it after me. 

Damn, I failed didn’t I? I knew I failed. _Divergent_. “Fan-fucking-tastic,” I muttered.


	2. You Know I’d Stay, But I Just Can’t Stand It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Dauntless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Half The World Away

I walked with Harper to the choosing ceremony and joined her in the Abnegation section, since that was where most of the factionless kids were for events like this. This year the ceremony was hosted by Abnegation anyway, and the leader Thelonious Jaha gave a speech before it started, pacing in front of the five bowls that would help us each decide our future. 

“The future belongs to those who know where they belong,” he announced. Yeah, buddy. Easier said than done. Harper squeezed my hand reassuringly and I squeezed hers back for the same reason. “Faction before blood,” Jaha started the mantra and everyone repeated it. “Faction before blood.” Huh, I never realised how much we must sound like a weird cult. Then he started to read out people’s names in reverse alphabetical order, and I knew I’d have a long wait. “Sasha Walgrove” A girl in grey walked up to the stage and picked up the knife, drawing blood on her palm and squeezing it into the bowl filled with dirt. “Amity.” 

I honestly don’t see why it has to be such a public process, but I waited patiently as people went up. Maya Vie stayed with Candor. Raven Reyes went from Erudite to Dauntless, John Murphy strolled up to the table to drip blood into the bowl of coals and also join Dauntless, along with Nathan Miller. I wished Harper luck as she left Abnegation to join Amity and received a warm welcome, and John Mbege visited the bowl of glass to join Candor. Gina Martin left Erudite for Abnegation, Jasper Jordan stayed amity, and before I knew it Jaha was calling my name. 

“Alyssa Jones.” I stood up at the sound of my name, making brief eye contact with Harper from where she was sitting next to Jasper as I walked up to the table and looked at the bowls. Even though my test was inconclusive, it ruled out Amity and Candor, so I wouldn’t be joining Harper any time soon. Although I spent a lot of time with Abnegation, I wanted to start fresh— which meant leaving being Factionless behind, and joining Abnegation would be a constant reminder of that— which left Erudite or Dauntless. I took the blade to my hand and waited, making my decision. “Dauntless,” Jaha announced and the Faction let out a cheer as Jaha handed me a bandaid for my hand and I went over to join them. 

_Dauntless._

I only half paid attention to the other people who came after me. Jaha’s son Wells shocked everyone by choosing Erudite instead of Abnegation, and Clarke Griffin was the next Dauntless— despite her mother’s obvious distaste— and Monty Green sat down next to Harper and Jasper with Amity. I took a seat at the front and relaxed into it. Some say that now the hard part is over, but the choice is just the beginning. I had a feeling Dauntless initiation wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. 

When we were all released to go with our factions at the end of the ceremony, I had less than two seconds to hug Harper goodbye before I had to run after the rest of Dauntless, following them towards the train tracks. Dauntless is the only faction that uses the train, and the train doesn’t stop, which meant everyone began climbing the supporting structure under the tracks and running alongside them to jump inside. 

I broke into a jog as the front of the train passed me, desperate to get inside. I watched as the others held onto the side and pressed the buttons to open the doors so they could climb in. Once I knew exactly what I was doing I put on a burst of speed and grabbed hold of one of the hand-holds, swinging myself inside and collapsing on the floor almost on top of another initiate. 

“We’re not dead,” the blonde girl let out a relieved laugh, and I recognised her to be Clarke Griffin. I’d seen her once or twice around but we’d never spoken. “I’m Clarke.” 

“Alyssa Jones,” I replied, shaking her hand. “And I have a feeling ‘we’re not dead’ is going to end up being the new ‘hello’ during initiation.” 

The train continued through the city and I looked out of the open door to see buildings passing below us. “Get ready,” a Dauntless-born girl smirked, tightening her ponytail. 

I frowned, standing up and crossing to the other side of the train to see what she meant. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I laughed in disbelief as the Dauntless from the front few carriages jumped out of the train and onto the rooftop, rolling to decrease the impact. “You’d think they’d let us have a honeymoon period or something, you know, where they’re _not_ trying to kill us?” 

Clarke leant out of the open carriage past me, her eyes widening at the sight. “And if we don’t jump?” 

“We become factionless,” someone else replied. 

That basically sold it for me. “Well, here’s to not dying,” I muttered, backing away and pressing myself against the other side of the carriage. “On three.” 

“One,” Clarke whispered. 

“Two,” another girl— Raven— joined in. 

“THREE!” I shouted, running and pushing off from the tree, rolling as I hit the gravel on top of the roof. Clarke and Raven landed beside me and I lay flat on my back for a moment as I turned my head to look at Clarke. “We’re not dead,” I grinned.

“We’re not dead,” Raven pulled herself to her feet and burst out laughing. 

I pushed up from the ground and held out a hand which Clarke accepted as she stood up, “Fuck, I think I’ve dislocated my shoulder.” 

“Well that sucks, what do we do?” Raven pulled a face. 

“This,” Clarke managed a one-armed shrug before snapping it back into place herself. “My mom’s a doctor.” 

I shook my head in disbelief, laughing quietly. “You _definitely_ belong here.” 

Someone called us over and we walked towards the other side of the building where a man was standing on a thin ledge, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Alright, I’m one of your leaders. My name is Roan. The way in is behind me, and if you don’t jump, well… there's only one way off this roof,” he smirked, folding his arms. 

John Murphy— I recognised him from the choosing ceremony— raised a sceptical eyebrow at the challenge. “What’s down there?” 

“You’ll find out, if you have the balls to jump,” Roan smiled sweetly, even though his words were anything but. 

Raven snorted, “Scared, Murphy?” 

“Never, Reyes,” he shot back, and I noticed they knew each other from growing up in Erudite. 

“Someone’s gotta go first,” Roan announced. “Tick tock, initiates.” 

If you want something done right, do it yourself. “Where’s your sense of adventure?” I asked loudly, “We just jumped off a train for fucks sake, surely this is survivable? Besides, if we were going to die, then they’d have zero initiates to play with.” I grinned, making my way to the front, and climbing up onto the ledge. On the other side was a drop larger than I anticipated, but it wasn’t as if I could back down now. There was a hole with only darkness underneath, so there could be anything down there and I literally wouldn’t know until it was too late. I turned around to face the other initiates. “See you on the other side,” I gave them a wink and a salute before turning back around and stepping off the ledge to freefall. 

I landed on a net at the bottom and bounced up a bit before landing on it again. I laughed, spreading my arms out and cheering. “I knew it! We’re not dead!” 

“Way to make an entrance,” someone announced with a grin from the side of me as he tugged the net down and I rolled towards him. “What’d they do to make you go first?” 

“Nothing, I volunteered,” I shrugged. “Not like I would die— it can’t be much fun for you if you kill _all_ your initiates on the first day, right?” 

He raised an eyebrow at me as he helped me off the net, “You have way too much faith in us.” 

“Don’t I?” I grinned. 

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa,” I announced. 

He nodded, raising his voice, “First jumper— Alyssa!” As the next person jumped down, and I spotted Raven as she landed on the net, he smiled at me. “Welcome to Dauntless, Alyssa.” 

“And what a _warm_ welcome it is,” I laughed, turning around to help Raven off the net.


	3. Don't Wanna Hesitate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alyssa, because she's Alyssa, clashes with some of the authority figures at Dauntless. (Read: Alyssa is her usual charming self, and Bellamy pretends not to be amused by it.) 
> 
> She also manages to make an enemy out of Dauntless leader McCreary, but that was to be expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Castaway by Barns Courtney

By the time all of the other initiates had made it safely down, we split into two groups organised by the guy from before. “Dauntless-born, go with Kara. Transfers, you’re with me.” I stayed with Raven and Clarke as our leader introduced himself. “I’ll be your training instructor while you go through initiation,” he explained as Roan walked past. 

“Blake, you giving them the grand tour?” He asked, “Good, I’ll walk with you.” 

We followed long dark corridors until the sounds of cheering and voices let us know that we were almost at ‘The Pit’. When the ceiling opened up I looked around and marvelled at the large space. I could see why they called it The Pit. After Roan left us at The Pit, Blake led the group to the cafeteria and disappeared into the crowd. 

“Holy fuck,” I whispered as I sat down next to Murphy, a badly-assembled hamburger in my hands. “This is amazing.” 

“Never had a hamburger before?” Raven raised an eyebrow at me in surprise. 

“Factionless,” I reminded her. “God, I’m never eating anything else as long as I live. This is it for me, I’ve reached peak happiness.” 

Murphy scoffed, “You’re easy to please.” 

“Just as easy to displease,” I warned. “So don’t get on my bad side.” I could’ve sworn I heard Blake laugh from on my other side, where he had quietly been sitting at the end of the table and I turned around to narrow my eyes at him. “What?” 

“I didn’t say anything,” he replied flatly. 

“I can feel you judging me,” I pointed out. “You’re giving me judgy vibes.” 

He quirked an eyebrow _judgily_ , “I’m not trying to give out _any_ vibes.” 

“ _Judgy._ ” 

“I’m not judgy,” he insisted calmly, trying not to rise to my goading.

I rolled my eyes, “ _Sure_ , and I can bench press Murphy.” 

“I want no part in this,” Murphy protested from my other side. 

“I’m not judging you,” Blake insisted again. “I just didn’t think your ‘bad side’ was that intimidating. You’re what, five-foot tall?” 

_5'1, actually._ I cracked my knuckles, “Oh yeah?” 

Clarke choked on her drink, trying to fight her laughter. 

“You got a death wish, Lyss?” Murphy hissed into my ear, a hand reaching out and slowly lowering my clenched fists. “Training starts tomorrow, you can show him then.” 

Blake smirked, and I rolled my eyes again. “You laugh now, but you ain’t seen nothing yet.” 

“Oh, really?” He asked, intrigued, leaning in slightly to intimidate me. 

I matched his distance, daring him to break the eye contact, “You have no idea what I’m capable of.” 

“I have a feeling I know exactly what you’re capable of. You’re not the first batch of initiates I’ve dealt with,” he replied calmly, keeping my gaze. 

“Well, _Blake_ , I’m full of surprises.” 

~

After dinner, I watched Blake leave the cafeteria and disappear somewhere, letting a leader take his place to show us to the sleeping area. The other man introduced himself as he walked, “Since I haven’t had the _pleasure_ of meeting any of you officially yet, I’ll tell you that you can call me McCreary. There are five leaders at Dauntless and I’m one of them, and I will thoroughly enjoy overseeing your initiation process. Let me lay out the basics for you. Training is every day from eight until six, after that you can do whatever you like. You also get a lunch break, and a couple of breaks between each stage of the initiation.” He paused to look around, taking a moment to lay his eyes on each of us individually. “You can’t leave this compound without a Dauntless. We keep Dauntless-born and transfers separate for the first stage of initiation, but you’re still ranked together. You better get a move on, since they’re already better than you at most things.” 

“Ranked?” One of the boys asked curiously. 

“Your ranking determines the kind of job you’ll have after you become a fully-fledged member. It also determines which of you will become members. Only the top ten join Dauntless,” McCreary explained. 

I instantly felt uneasy. I didn’t jump onto and off a moving train and then jump off a seven-story building just to be told that at the end of training I might not make it. I could’ve been a Candor in the way that the words escaped my lips without thinking, “But that’s bullshit!” Everyone turned to stare but I couldn’t back down after that outburst. “I get that the training is hard to get through, but you’re expecting us to survive that only to potentially get kicked out anyway?” 

McCreary walked away from the door we had stopped in front of and made his way through the crowd towards me. “And what makes you think you can talk to me like that?” He _was_ a leader of Dauntless. He _was_ overseeing our training, which meant he could make my life a living hell. Which is exactly why I stood my ground. I folded my arms, not giving him a reply as he towered over me. “Are you scared, initiate? Are you _scared_ that you won’t make it?” 

“Are you asking me if I’m scared of failing or if I’m scared of you?” I retorted, raising an eyebrow. 

“What do you think?” 

I narrowed my eyes at him, “I _know_ that I’m going to make it, and I’m not scared of you.” 

Something snapped in him and he grabbed me by the collar, pushing me up against the door. “It isn’t a good idea to make enemies on your first day here, kid. What’s your name? Where are you from?”

“Alyssa Jones,” I replied through gritted teeth, ignoring the way the handle of the door was beginning to dig into my back. “Factionless.” 

“You come from nothing,” he pushed me against the wall one more time before letting me go. “And you’ll end up back there.” 

“Or maybe you’re wrong,” I muttered as he walked away. 

“That door leads to the dormitory,” he shouted back at us. “See you tomorrow morning.” 

The clothes provided by Dauntless were plain, but not as plain as if we were in Abnegation. They were black and the initiate training clothes were all identical. Murphy made a comment about how we were all changing in the same space and Raven let out a loud groan, “Haven’t you got anything better to do?” 

“That an offer, Reyes?” 

I almost choked on air trying to hide my laughter at the glare she sent in his direction almost immediately before throwing her old shoe at him. It was a blue high heel, and it only missed his head by an inch. 

~

The first part of training was shooting, something I had already done before a few times. Well, more than a few times, but not many people knew that. Although I suppose if I’m as good a shot as I was last time, then it might be obvious. Then again, I could always plead beginner’s luck? When Blake handed me a gun as he walked past, I passed it between my hands to feel its weight. 

As I raised it towards the target, images of the last time I’d shot a weapon flooded my mind and I had to put it down for a second and take a breather. _New start. New home. New memories._

“You good, Lyss?” Murphy raised an eyebrow at me from the cubicle next to me and I nodded, picking up the gun again and aiming it at the target. 

“Never better.” 

The first shot landed at the edge of the ring so I relaxed my breathing, kept my arm steady, and fired again, this time getting just inside it. Two more, and I was hitting the centre with a small grouping. After a little longer the bullseye had been demolished and I had to replace the target. 

“Nice,” Blake nodded as he walked past, ignoring the way McCreary’s lip curled up as he noticed. “That’ll get you a few points on the leaderboard.” 

“Want to make this interesting?” I teased, glancing at the edge of a tattoo peeking out from the neckline of his t-shirt. 

He scoffed, “More interesting than upping your ranking?” 

“You like to gamble, Blake?” 

“Occasionally,” he replied, leaning against the edge of the cubicle. “What are you suggesting?” 

“If I’m in the top five at the end of training, I get to choose a tattoo for you,” I grinned. “If I’m not, you get to do the same for me.” 

Blake rolled his eyes, “And why would I want to do that?” 

“It’s like eternal bragging rights,” I shrugged.

“Fine,” he laughed. “But make it into the top _three_ and we have a deal.” 

“Pleasure doing business with you,” I held out my hand and he shook it.

Murphy rolled his eyes, “You’d think you’d try to stay out of the way of the people training us after what happened last night.” 

“I thought after what happened last night you’d realise that is exactly _why_ I’m doing the opposite,” I nudged him, making his shot miss the target entirely. 

“Hate you,” he muttered, glaring at me and pulling a face. 

“Feeling’s mutual,” I laughed, firing two more shots. 

After the lunch break, we started the hand-to-hand combat portion of training, and watched as Blake demonstrated a few of the punches and kicks on the punching bag. I’d thrown a punch before, and I’d taken a few too many. My figure was small, so when I hit the bag it seemed to hurt my hands and feet more than it was supposed to, and I realised if I wanted to get anywhere here then I’d need to put on a bit of muscle over the next ten weeks. That meant extra training hours on top of the ten mandatory hours I already had to do as part of the initiation. 

We weren’t allowed to start sparring with each other until tomorrow, so the rest of the time was spent with the bags until six o’clock came around and we were finally free. My muscles ached already and my knuckles were red and sore from the punching bag. Raven and Clarke leant against each other as we walked towards The Pit.

“We’re getting tattoos,” Raven announced, and Murphy groaned. 

At some point earlier they had taken inspiration from my bet with Blake and had seen who could get the most shots in the bullseye before lunchtime. Since Murphy lost, he had to get a tattoo of Raven’s choice, which of course was going to be a Raven so he’d always be reminded. 

Clarke shrugged, “Alright then.” Over the past day I’d gotten to know Clarke a little more, and she revealed that she’s an artist, so I had no doubt that she’d probably design her own tattoo. 

When we arrived at the tattoo place I ducked into one of the clothes shops first, spending some points on a new jacket to replace the flimsy one that I’d been issued. It had dozens of small pockets and I couldn't wait to use them. I met the others at the tattoo place just after and admired all the designs on offer. I trailed my finger along a design with flames within a circle; the Dauntless symbol. 

“You know, if you want that one most people wait until _after_ they’ve completed initiation?” I recognised Diyoza’s voice as she came up behind me and leaned against the table. “Heard you were the first jumper? What, were you pushed?” 

I laughed, “Nope, just eager. And I’ll get this one, I want it on the inside of my wrist.” 

“You sure you don’t want to wait until you’re a fully-fledged member of Dauntless?” She raised an eyebrow, already picking up the necessary equipment. 

“I’m making it in, or I’ll die trying,” I replied firmly, and she laughed. 

“If you say so.” 

I looked over at where Murphy was laughing, a fresh bandage on the side of his neck covering his new tattoo. Clarke was leaning against his back with a book, sketching out a design while another dauntless boy a few years older than us tattooed something onto Raven’s collarbone. My head turned back to the flames on the inside of my wrist as Diyoza finished, a confirmation of what was going to happen.

I am Dauntless.


	4. Above The Rest, And Prove Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alyssa takes a beating, but she's not giving up that easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Warriors by Imagine Dragons, which was coincidentally featured on the second Divergent movie soundtrack.

Once everyone else had gone to sleep, I put my boots back on and made my way back to the training ground, cracking my knuckles before approaching the punching bag again. I closed my eyes for a second and visualised Blake’s demonstration, his fists moving quickly and purposefully as they struck the bag. The lighting was dim since no one was supposed to be here, but it wasn’t long before my eyes adjusted and I worked consistently. 

After a while, my hands began to hurt so I grabbed a bottle of water and wrapped my fists so I could continue. The bag moved slightly when I hit it as I tried various techniques, but not much. My shooting had put me mid-way up the board, so I was in the clear for the eliminations, but I wasn’t going to get very far if I couldn’t _fight._

I stayed in the training room until quarter past one.

~

It was finally time to start sparring, and I looked at the board to see who I was up against. Clarke was against someone called Jade, Murphy against a boy who went by his last name - Miller, and Raven was against a girl called Echo whose arms probably had more structure than my entire life. Since there was an uneven amount of guys and girls, I was up against a tall boy called Dax. 

Raven and Echo started almost immediately and I watched as Echo brought her fist towards Raven’s jaw. It was a feint, and when Raven moved to block it she landed a blow to her stomach instead, pushing her backwards. Raven got up unsteadily and raised her arms again to protect her face and calculate the next move, before trying to sweep Echo’s legs out from under her and ducking the next series of punches. She managed to land one on the side of Echo’s head and she faltered slightly, but recovered quickly and knocked Raven to the ground. As she got back onto her feet again, wiping blood from a cut on her lip, Raven glanced at McCreary. “How long do we fight for?” 

“Until one of you can’t continue,” he replied with a shrug.

“Or until one of you concedes,” Blake added, giving McCreary a pointed look out of the corner of his eye. 

McCreary ignored it, “Those were the old rules. _New_ rules state that Dauntless don’t surrender.” 

Blake continued to glare at him, visibly bothered that McCreary had more power in this situation. 

The fight between Raven and Echo continued, with Raven bringing up her leg to Echo’s side, and Echo grabbing it, twisting it into an unnatural angle and unbalancing Raven so she fell again and this time when her head hit the mat she didn’t get up. A dazed look crossed her face and her eyes were unfocused as Blake hauled her up and slung one of her arms over his shoulders to walk her out. 

“Next fight, Dax and Alyssa,” McCreary announced, gesturing to the now-empty arena before locking eyes with me. “Come on, first jumper. Show us what you got.” 

I made my way over to where Dax was waiting and met him in the arena. “Hey,” I nodded, but he didn’t reply, instead raising his fists. “Alrighty then.” This wasn’t the first time I’d gotten into a fight with someone, and it wouldn’t be the last. It used to happen all the time when I was factionless, but back then I knew the territory. The fights were less rigid, and there was more movement allowed. It’d be take a punch, duck, kick a trash can at them and then manage to land a punch while they were distracted. Here it was just two people in an empty arena who had to physically knock the other unconscious to win. 

He lunged at me and I ducked out of the way, my gaze calculating as I tried to analyse his weaknesses. Dax was right-handed, but that was about it. If I could stay on the outside of his right side then I could land a punch more easily. I ducked under his fist and hit the side of his face. He winced, his expression hardening, before his hand swung forwards and I ended up sprawled on the mat. I rolled over in time to see his foot raising and scrambled to my feet, pain already blooming on the side of my jaw where his hit had landed. _Sneaky_ , I remembered someone using the word to describe me at some point. _Be sneaky._

I feinted left and moved to the right, twisting my body as my foot landed against his back to create more of an impact. He stumbled forwards but managed to catch my leg on the way down and pulled it towards him so my head crashed against the mat and black clouded the edge of my vision. I shook off the dizziness and climbed to my feet, rolling my shoulder from where it had managed to hit the floor awkwardly. My senses were numbed a little from hitting the floor so when Dax threw his next punch I wasn’t so quick to dodge it and I felt warm blood drip onto my lip from where he’d hit my nose. It didn’t hurt, not yet, so I ignored the coppery taste and tried to land another punch as my eyes started to water. He spun me around and put an arm around my neck, keeping me in a headlock and squeezing to cut off my air supply. I sucked in a large breath and went limp, playing dead until his grip slackened and I could hook my leg around his from outside and put him on his back, even though he was still holding onto me from behind so I ended up on top. I kept one arm trying to ease the pressure around my neck as the edges of my vision darkened and moved the other to elbow him in the dick enough to let me go. 

Scrambling to my feet again despite how much I was swaying unsteadily, I adopted a fighting stance again as Dax did the same. He looked just as bad as I assumed I did, with blood leaking out of one ear and the beginnings of a bruise on his jaw. He moved stiffly, no doubt still recovering from my last hit and it gave me time to take a few deep breaths and try to stay on my feet. I tried to throw a punch but a wave of dizziness hit and I was way off. While I was trying to recover, his fist hit me square in the face and it took all I had to stay upright afterwards. Dax’s next hit set my chest on fire and I choked as I tried to keep on my feet and suck in a breath. Another hit to the chest and I hit the ground. 

I could barely hear him coming over the blood rushing in my ears but I pushed myself up onto my elbows and turned onto my side, clutching my ribs. As he walked towards me I noticed Blake walking out and wondered why he’d come back if he was only going to leave again. As Dax got closer, I used the last of my strength to swipe his feet out from beneath him before collapsing onto the mat and giving in to the pain. 

~

When I woke up, Murphy was leaning against the bed nursing a black eye, and Raven was in the bed to my right, sitting up but covered in bruises. Clarke had a broken nose but seemed otherwise unharmed, and the bed on my other side was occupied by Murphy’s opponent Miller. 

“You look like shit,” I grinned even though it hurt, looking at the others. 

“You’re one to talk,” Murphy pointed out. 

Raven coughed, wincing, “We’re not dead.” 

“We’re not dead,” Clarke repeated. “We’re doing alright.” 

I watched her, “Give it to me straight, doctor’s daughter. How am I doing?” 

“Mild concussion, black eye, bruised ribs. One was close to being cracked but you got off lightly,” she shrugged, “Still breathing.” 

I lay back against the pillows with a groan, “ _This_ is getting off lightly?” 

At that point, Miller woke up and pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Murphy, you son of a bitch,” he groaned, holding his head. 

“Guilty,” Murphy shrugged, “Nathan… you’ve looked better.” 

“You haven’t,” Miller shot back. “Wow, Alyssa. Damn.” 

“Dax hates you, just a warning,” Clarke announced. “It took him a full five minutes to get up off the mat but because you couldn’t continue he technically won, and McCreary spent the whole time yelling at him.” 

“Great,” I sighed. “What time is it?” 

“Dinner time,” Murphy replied, “But this place has food when you’re ready for it. You also missed an announcement: we have a trip tomorrow to the fence, be at the train by eight-fifteen.” 

I shook my head, sitting upright and swinging my legs towards the end of the bed, “I’m fine. I can totally go for food.” When my feet hit the ground I was overcome with a wave of dizziness so strong I almost collapsed into his arms as Murphy directed me back towards the bed. “Never mind. I’ll see you guys later then.” 

“Get some rest,” Clarke called as they left. “I mean it. All three of you.” 

I fell back onto the pillows as Raven’s soft snoring filled the infirmary and my eyes began to slowly drift shut. Initially, I tried to fight it, but soon I succumbed to sleep. The dream was one I wasn’t unfamiliar with. It wasn’t the first time I’d had this exact dream, and even though I wished it wasn’t true, I knew it wouldn’t be the last. 

I was walking through the building I used to live in. I knew all the doors were locked but one so I wasted no time in trying the others, walking straight towards the room I’d been living in. It was empty at the time, so I turned around and faced the wall, waiting for what I knew was coming. When I turned back towards the door as it opened, my mother’s lifeless body was on the ground next to the table with a bottle of pills next to her. My fourteen-year-old self walked in and discovered the body while I was numb to the sight, simply a spectator watching the scene unfold. Trying to change it does nothing, trying to interact does nothing— I’d found that out the hard way. I just watched. Watched and waited. 

I followed my younger self out the door but she had already disappeared, so I waited for her return. This time, she was armed, and when she knocked on the door next to my old one it opened and I saw him again. _Him._ The man responsible for my mother’s suicide. My gun was hidden in my oversized jacket but the smaller version of me followed the man as he invited her inside and waited until his back was turned before aiming the gun with a shaking hand and firing a bullet into the back of his skull. 

But something about this time was different. The moment the gunshot went off fourteen-year-old me vanished, and he turned around to face me with the hole in his head oozing blood. “ _Monster_ ,” he whispered. 

I woke up in a cold sweat. 

Miller was asleep on my left and Raven must have gone back to the dormitory at some point so I put my boots and jacket back on and made my way back to the training room. I narrowly avoided blindly hitting the doorframe when I realised my left eye was almost swollen shut, but I recovered quickly and walked over to the punching bags. My hands were bruised and my knuckles were covered in dried blood, but that didn’t stop me from hitting it until the scabs reopened. 

Footsteps echoed around me and I turned around to see Blake coming in. He raised an eyebrow when he saw me. “You took a beating. You should be resting,” he pointed out. 

I shrugged, “It’s hard to keep me down for long.” 

“I can see that,” Blake laughed. “This isn’t the first time I’ve seen you in here.” 

“We have training here every day,” I reminded him. “Anyway, what do you know about my beating? You left half-way through.” 

“You know I mean after hours. Besides, it wasn’t exactly something I wanted to watch.” 

I shrugged not wanting to unpack _why_ he didn’t want to watch, “I’m getting extra practice in. Apparently, I’m not that good at hand-to-hand combat when I can't use my surroundings to my advantage..” 

“That’s true, but what you _are_ good at is shooting. How does a sixteen-year-old Factionless girl know how to shoot like that?” He asked curiously. 

I shrugged again, “This ain’t my first rodeo.” 

Blake laughed, rolling his eyes. “Seriously, what have you been up to?” 

“You haven’t reached enough friendship level to unlock my tragic backstory yet,” I replied casually, hitting the punching bag again and wiping my bloody knuckles on my grey tank top. “Anyway, I’m here to train, not talk. And you’re just the person I wanted to see.” 

“Is that so?” He smirked, taking off his hoodie to reveal his own tank top, and the rippling muscles on his arms. I turned around so I wasn’t distracted, hitting the bag a few more times but with less energy than before. 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Blake. You’re the most approachable out of all the trainers but since I’d rather push McCreary off a cliff than ask him for a favour I’d say it’s a pretty low bar,” I shrugged, taking a break to have some water. 

Blake reeled back in mock hurt, “You wound me, Alyssa.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” I laughed. “Let’s cut to the chase. I want to fight you.” 

“ _You_ want to fight _me_?” He asked, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. 

“What rank were you in your initiation?” I asked, ignoring his reaction. 

He shrugged, “First.” 

“Exactly. I want to spar with you after hours. You already said you’d seen me in here a few times which means you were already in here, so you clearly have nothing better to be doing. I want to improve my sparring and the best way to do that is to fight against someone who’s A) more experienced, and B) can give good tips,” I explained, walking into the arena and getting into position. 

Blake sighed, “Right now? Didn’t you just leave the med-bay?” 

“No time like the present.” 

He reluctantly joined me in the ring, “Alright. Show me what you got.” I tried a punch and he caught it, pushing me lightly away from him. “You need more power. Shift your weight when you throw it. Want me to go easy on you?” 

I scoffed, “Wouldn’t dream of it.” 

I glanced at the ranking board before ducking one of his punches. Ninth overall. Above the red line. _Still in the game._ I looked from the board back down to my wrist, at the Dauntless tattoo. _Still in the game._


	5. Another Sprint, Another Step (Another Day, Another Breath)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CAPTURE THE FLAG DREAMTEAM BITCHES!!!
> 
> FERRIS WHEEL!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Glorious by Macklemore.

I woke up and got changed with everyone else. Miller joined just in time and I handed him the muffin that Clarke had brought me for breakfast since he seemed like he needed it more than I did. I passed a mirror on the way out and flinched at my own reflection, trying and failing to ignore the bruises and cuts leftover from the sparring session. Pain tugged at my shoulder but I pretended it didn’t, hoping I could reverse-psychology myself into thinking I was absolutely fine. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work. 

Climbing into the train proved to be slightly more difficult than anticipated with my aching muscles, but I caught onto the handle and Murphy held out a hand to pull me in to make it easier. I nodded in thanks as Raven climbed in behind me, followed by Clarke. 

Dax glared at me from where he was leaning against the wall further up on the compartment, so I made a point of smiling and waving. “Hey, Dax! Had fun sparring with you yesterday, we should definitely do it again sometime!” His glare intensified, forcing Murphy to turn to face the window to hide his growing grin. 

“Do you strive to make enemies or does it happen naturally?” Raven asked curiously. 

I shrugged, “If people don’t like me I let them know very quickly that the feeling is mutual.” 

When the train slowed, I realised that I had never seen it stationary before, and I had been dreading jumping off a moving train with my current various injuries. I lowered myself down onto the grass using the handle and looked at the fence and the Dauntless guards on the other side. Past the guards were Amity’s farms, and past that who knows what. 

“If you get in the top five after initiation chances are you won’t end up here, but if not then this job isn’t too bad. You can still advance,” Blake explained, “But it’s rare.” 

The Dauntless guards opened the gate and a truck full of crates with a few Amity inside. I saw a flash of blonde hair as Harper launched herself out of the truck and tackled me in a hug. I winced at the contact with my bruised ribs but hugged her back. “Hey,” I smiled weakly. “How’s Amity?” 

“We’ve been farming,” Harper replied. “Apples.” 

“Fun,” I glanced at the crates and the two boys in the truck— Jasper and Monty— before Harper noticed the bruises on the side of my face that had been hidden by my hair from a distance. Her gentle features creased into a frown and I reassured her. “I’m fine, I swear. Training is just… intense.” I could feel Echo glaring at me out of the corner of my eye and I turned around and folded my arms. “Do we have a problem?” 

“Different faction members aren’t supposed to fraternise, what makes you think you’re the exception?” She scowled at me. 

I rolled my eyes, “Well Echo, most humans are supposed to have more than one brain cell but since _you’re_ the exception there then I’d say we’re even, wouldn’t you?” 

Harper sighed, “Nice to see your wit hasn’t taken as much of a beating as your face.” 

“Nice to see you too,” I laughed, letting her give me a final hug before she returned to the truck. 

“Alyssa! Are you joining Amity or are you getting on the damn train?” Blake shouted, snapping everything back into focus. I rolled my eyes and climbed in, leaning against the wall next to him. I could feel his gaze directed at me, so I shifted and caught it, raising an eyebrow. 

“What?” I asked, watching him. 

“Nothing.” 

I laughed, “You judging me again, Blake?” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied with a grin. 

~

That night, Blake was preoccupied during sparring and wouldn’t give me a straight answer about why. I mean, we weren’t exactly _friends_ so he didn’t necessarily have to, but that didn’t stop me from being curious. He ended the session early and sent me back to the dorm, only for all the lights to turn on five minutes after I arrived. I hadn’t even taken my boots off yet when McCreary marched in, a worrying smile on his face. “Get dressed, initiates. Time to play a game.” 

Murphy shot up, dazed as he sat upright on his mattress. “Wasn’t asleep,” he mumbled, something I had come to realise was a natural reaction every time something interrupted his sleep. That or “wasn’t me” were the common responses. I laughed and stood up, already dressed. 

“Fucking hell, Alyssa. Did I miss something, or did you get dressed in the amount of time it took me to blink?” Clarke asked, pulling on a t-shirt. 

I shrugged, “Maybe I’m psychic, and got dressed in preparation.” 

“Or maybe you never—” Raven interrupted herself to yawn— “Sleep?” 

“Which is more likely?” I joked, not expecting them to all answer in unison, “The second one,” with Murphy a fraction of a second later than the others as he tried to wake himself up by splashing cold water on his face. 

We got onto the train and I locked eyes with Blake on my way to scanning the bag he was carrying. _Practice guns._ I quirked an eyebrow and he started to explain. “We used to do capture the flag with paintballs, but Jason got some new guns in and he’s desperate to try them out, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

“Why are you painting me out to be the bad guy?” The guy who I assumed to be Jason scowled at him, before his face broke into a grin and he nudged Blake. “Get it? _Painting?_ ” Somehow, I was the only one who laughed at the pun. He turned to look at me, nodding in approval. “This one. I like this one.” 

Blake rolled his eyes, trying to hide his grin as he continued. “This year, we’re using _Jason’s_ guns. Jason is our resident weapons specialist. He’s come along for the ride and will be wearing a high vis jacket because he knows the extent of his own guns.” 

“Let me get this straight,” Raven interrupted. “You made the guns, and you don’t want to get shot by them? How bad are they?” 

“This bad,” Jason picked up a gun and fired it at McCreary, who let out a grunt of pain and slid to the ground before picking out the dart sticking out of his leg. “These are neuro-stim darts. Stimulates the pain of a real gunshot wound. Thought it would make things more interesting, but yeah, I wouldn’t get shot if I were you.” 

I laughed again, sneaking a look at the scowl written on McCreary’s face as he pulled himself up from the floor before speaking. “Blake and I are captains, and there should be an equal number of Dauntless-born and transfers on each team. I’ll pick first…” He looked around, eyes settling on… “Dax.” 

“I’ll take Alyssa,” Blake announced, surprising me. I raised an eyebrow at him but he didn’t comment on it. 

“What, taking the loose cannon so you have someone to blame when you lose?” McCreary laughed. “Echo.” 

Blake shrugged, before claiming Raven. “A cannon is only dangerous when it’s pointing at you and not me, Pax. So I’ll take my chances.” My eyebrow rose further, but he didn’t notice as McCreary took Jade, and Blake grabbed Clarke. 

“Tristan,” McCreary pulled the tall boy towards him. 

“Miller,” Blake announced. 

“Shay.” 

“Murphy.” 

It continued until the teams were decided, and McCreary agreed to let our team off the train first for a ‘head start’, since he didn’t seem to think we could win without one. I held my breath as I jumped from the moving train and managed to stay upright, jogging a little to disperse the shock. I grinned, proud of the small achievement. 

We walked through the old fairground area and Blake gathered everyone by the carousel to sort out strategy. Raven made a suggestion but Murphy cut her off, and one of the Dauntless-borns tried to suggest something else. I looked around, we were never going to find the other team’s flag from here. I could see Jason sitting on the edge of one of the rooftops with a pair of binoculars, but that was about it. We needed a higher vantage point. 

Climbing has always been one of my strong suits. I tried to figure out what would give me the best view and my eyes settled on the rusty old ferris wheel. While everyone was arguing, I slipped away, walking towards it. I tested the bottom rung to find how stable it was. It creaked a little, but held, so I started my ascent. 

“Pretty sure the point of this exercise is teamwork,” Blake pointed out from beneath me as he did what I had just done and tested the strength of the lower rungs. 

I shrugged, but it was an awkward action to carry out as my hands were practically glued to the rungs to stop me from falling. “Teamwork won’t work if you can’t decide on a plan. While they’re figuring that out, I’m figuring out where the flag is.” I climbed higher, steadily moving up the rungs as I heard him do the same from underneath me. 

“Isn’t this high enough?” He called up, and I shook my head. 

“We’re not even above building height,” I pointed out, turning back to look at him and realising how pale he had gone. “Oh my god, are you afraid of heights?” 

“A little,” he swallowed thickly, refusing to look at the ground. 

“Isn’t that hell for you in Dauntless? I literally had to jump off a roof on my first day.”

Blake’s breathing sped up a little, “Usually I find ways around the fear. Not around the activity, but around the fear itself. How else are you supposed to overcome fear?” 

“With difficulty,” I laughed. I took another step and the rung disappeared out from under me, clattering to the ground and I was given a harsh reminder of how far up we were. My body tipped dangerously to one side as I tried to regain my footing and I felt his hand on my side to help and steady me. “Thanks.” 

“You okay?” 

I plastered on a smile after my near-death experience. “I’ll admit I have a few fears, but falling from a death trap ferris wheel ain’t one of them.” 

“Well it is one of mine so if you could refrain from calling it a ‘death trap’ that’d be good, thanks,” he replied stiffly.

“Gotcha, wheel of doom it is.” 

“Not helping,” he grunted. 

“Sorry.” 

We reached the top and I hauled myself up a bit further, climbing as far as I could manage and undoing the small belt around my waist, wrapping it around my hand and securing it to the scaffolding for support. 

“Is this necessary?” Blake groaned, clinging onto the bars next to me.

I smirked, looking out into the distance and spotting the lights from the other team’s torches and flag. “You tell me.” 

He looked out across the city and towards the light, his face changing from tense to light in a matter of seconds as a grin spread across it. “You know, you’re pretty resourceful,” he whispered, gripping the bar next to me and watching the light.

I opened my mouth to reply but I couldn’t find the words, so instead I glanced down, ignoring how far it was to the ground. “You want to start climbing down?” 

Blake nodded, reaching down with his foot and guiding his body along the scaffolding as he began his descent and I watched as a bead of sweat dripped from his brow and onto his shaking hands. His face was creased in concentration with each movement, and I turned around to make my way down above him. 

The journey to the ground was relatively easy, it was like doing the same thing as on the way up, except in reverse, where you could only just see where you were putting your feet. I lowered myself onto the next bar but it started to creak and before I realised what was happening, one side of it had become detached and it swung out from under me, my feet slipping until there was nothing to reach for and I was dangling by my fingertips. “Fuck!” I shouted, tightening my grip. “Slight problem.” The next rung was too far away and although if I stretched I could probably brush it with my toes, that would involve relaxing my grip on the rung above to get there. 

“Hold on,” Blake reassured me, and I rolled my eyes and I heard his footsteps on the ladder beneath me.

“Yeah, no shit.” 

My palms were sweaty with nerves and it was becoming increasingly harder to hold onto the single bar currently keeping me alive. My left hand slipped and I found myself wishing for more upper body strength, and promising to do arm-related workouts if I got out of this situation. I tried to grasp the pole again but my fingers refused to grab hold of it as my right hand continued to slip. When the rail slipped from my grasp I fell, plummeting to my death. 

At least, that’s what would’ve happened if a hand hadn’t caught my wrist mid-fall, pulling me towards a more secure bar to hold onto. Blake’s fingers were clasped around my wrist as he balanced on the opposite of the railing. My feet sought out the lower pole that he was standing on but even when I was secure his grip stayed tight. 

“Are you okay?” He asked breathlessly, one hand still on my wrist and the other wrapped around my waist from the side, clutching one of the vertical poles to keep me in place. “Alyssa, are you okay?” 

I nodded, barely able to find the words. We stayed there for a moment, temporarily safe on the rust-filled structure, neither of us able to move. For some reason, I burst out laughing when I saw the worried look still plaguing his face, as if he had been scared that he might not have caught me. Blake frowned, trying to figure out why, so I took a look at the ground and the distance I would have had left to fall before speaking. “You know, the day I met you you said I had too much faith in you, but I think I have _just_ the right amount of faith.” 

Blake laughed, the sound filled with disbelief. “If I recall it correctly, I said you had too much faith in Dauntless,” he pointed out. 

“You are the _epitome_ of Dauntless,” I replied. “Same difference.” 

“We should probably climb down now,” Blake announced. “You know, since we have a game to win.”

I laughed, “Careful, your competitive streak is showing.” 

“Yours shows every day, I’ve seen it in training.” He slowly removed his hand from around my wrist and started to climb down, hesitating for a second until I started to follow him. 

“Mine is like a heartbeat, constant and in the background,” I shrugged. 

He shook his head and a piece of dark hair fell into his eyes, so he shook it again. “How very poetic of you.” 

“But yours is different,” I ignored his comment. “It’s not always there, but when it is… it’s so _obvious_. Like you go from being completely calm and unreadable until I can physically _see_ how excited you are by the prospect of winning. It’s written all over your face.” 

“And you spend how much time looking at my face?” Blake teased, and I pulled a face that he couldn’t see. 

“Ass. If I wasn’t concentrating on keeping my hands steady I’d flip you off right now.” 

We reached the ground without any further incident and made our way back to the carousel. Raven raised an eyebrow, looking at Blake and I and the direction we had come from. “Where the hell have you two been?” 

“Scouting. While you were arguing over strategies and tactics, Alyssa and I climbed the ferris wheel for a higher vantage point and figured out where McCreary’s team are keeping their flag. Any ideas on a plan?” Blake took charge, bouncing on the balls of his feet in a way that reminded me of a trained fighter preparing for a match _and_ an excitable puppy all at once. 

Murphy turned to Miller, who shrugged before explaining, “We were thinking of splitting into two groups, one going around to draw their fire and attack while another smaller one grabs the flag.” 

“Good. Who’s in which group?” He asked, looking around. “Or are we deciding that now?” 

“I’ll help draw them out,” Clarke suggested. 

“Murphy, Raven, you two take Miller for backup and go for the flag, the rest of us will take out the others,” I decided. 

Blake nodded, “Good enough. Clarke and Diggs, you go for the big leagues on the other team. Caspian and Derrick, take out their defence. Alyssa and I will handle McCreary.” He turned to me, lowering his voice. “Think you can handle that?” 

“I think I’m going to get an immense amount of satisfaction from shooting that son of a bitch,” I grinned, nudging him with my elbow before looking at the rest of the team. “I think it’s about time we won, don’t you?” 

He cocked his gun, “You read my mind.”

We moved into the designated groups and made our way towards the other team. Murphy and Raven split to go for the flag and Miller scouted slightly ahead. The attacking group stopped just out of sight of the opposing team. “We have the element of surprise,” I announced. “Once the first shot is fired, that goes away, so make sure to make it count. On three. One, two, three!” We split into the smaller groups and edged closer, and I could just about see McCreary ordering some of his team about.

I scoffed, muttering under my breath. “So much for teamwork.”

Blake let out a quiet chuckle, but soon returned his attention to the task at hand. As soon as the others started to take out the rest of the team, we moved on McCreary. He spotted us before either of us had a chance to shoot and fired a shot that narrowly missed me. I rolled out of the way to avoid it before getting back on my feet and aiming. When Blake took a step back, McCreary advanced on him and I had time to make my way behind him. I winked at Blake and we both fired simultaneously. One shot into McCreary’s chest from his side, one into his ass from me. 

He sank to the ground and I walked around to his front, smiling. 

“Bitch,” he muttered. “Shot me in the fucking ass.”

I shrugged, “Could’ve been worse. I could’ve shot you in the—” I pulled the trigger, sending a dart into his crotch for good measure. “Oops, trigger finger must have slipped.” 

Blake turned his laugh into a cough to hide it from McCreary as the rest of our team took out their defences, and a cheer rang out from Raven, who ran towards us _sitting_ _on_ _Murphy’s shoulders_ and waving the flag like crazy. “WE WIN!” She shouted, holding it high.

“Suck it!” Murphy whooped, keeping one hand on Raven’s leg so she didn’t slip off. 

I grinned, holding up a fist. Blake looked at it accusingly. “Bump it,” I prompted. “You know you want to.” He rolled his eyes, and I nudged him with my elbow. “Bump it, bump it, bump it!” I chanted until he gave in and tapped the side of his fist against mine and I let out a cheer. 

“You did good,” he smiled. 

“We make a pretty good team,” I laughed. “Especially when we’re both competitive like this.”


	6. I Am Not A Puppet On Your String

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knives. Alyssa and knives. The best ship there ever was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from I'm Gonna Do My Thing by Royal Deluxe

When training started the next day, we entered the room to find targets set up. This time it wasn’t shooting target practice, but knife throwing instead. I found myself unable to hide my grin as I walked towards the table, running my finger along the flat side of the blade and humming to myself. 

I could shoot, that was a fact. 

But knives? That was where my real talent lay. 

It took all I had not to let out an excited giggle as I picked the knife up and turned it over in my hand, practically bouncing on the balls of my feet like Blake had been doing before the game of capture the flag. 

“Since tomorrow is the last day of stage one, today we’ll be working on your aim. You get three knives each. Watch Blake’s technique before trying to throw them.” McCreary announced, his voice practically dragging my attention away from the knives in the harshest way possible. 

I hadn’t worked with knives like these before, ones specially designed to be streamlined for throwing, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t thrown a knife. Still, I paid attention to Blake’s stance and the quick arm movement involved as each of his three knives hit the target dead centre. He collected them, then placed them back on the table to allow us to try. Most people’s first tries missed the target completely, but although my first knife bounced out and onto the floor, at least my aim was good. 

The second knife stuck in the target and I let out a whoop, grinning as I spun my third knife between my fingers before getting in position to throw again. I could feel someone watching me out of the corner of my eye, but refused to turn to give whoever it was the satisfaction of being noticed while I was supposed to be concentrating. Especially considering there was a high chance that person was McCreary. 

On my right, Clarke’s knife sailed into the target for the first time and I could see the pride in her eyes at the achievement. I grinned at her before looking to the left to watch Murphy, whose knives were bouncing off the target. It wasn’t that his aim wasn’t good, but the angle wasn’t right so they kept missing. 

“Keep the movement more fluid,” I hissed. “It’s more likely to land.” 

“How are you so good at this?” Murphy whispered back. “It’s unnatural.” 

“You have your hobbies, I have mine.” 

McCreary coughed to get our attention before glaring in the direction of Murphy and I. “Enough chit-chat you two. Gossip on your own time.” 

I groaned, unable to stop myself from replying sarcastically. “I was helping my _friend._ Sorry if you find the concept of friendship hard to grasp, since no one here actually likes you.” 

For once, he ignored the insult, brushing past it. “John’s a big boy, he can figure it out by himself. Back to work, all of you.” 

“Some help _you_ are,” Murphy muttered under his breath, throwing a knife that bounced completely off the target and landed underneath someone else’s. Unfortunately, McCreary seemed to hear him. 

He marched over, glancing at the knife underneath the other target before realising everyone had stopped to watch. “Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure I just told all of you to _get back to work._ ” Knives began to fly again and I held my breath as McCreary leant over Murphy. “What the hell kind of throw was that? Go get it.” 

“What, now?” Murphy’s eyebrow shot up. “While they’re throwing?” 

“Got a problem with that?” McCreary challenged. 

Murphy scoffed, “Got a problem with getting stabbed? A little, yeah.” 

“Alright then.” He smiled at Murphy, but it wasn’t a sincere smile, it was a calculating one. It was the kind of smile that sends shivers down your spine when done well, and McCreary did it very, _very_ well. “Everybody clear the floor so John here can get his knives.” 

We all took a step back, watching, waiting for whatever McCreary was planning on doing. He had a plan, that much was obvious. Whether or not it was a plan that would haunt everyone else’s nightmares was another matter entirely. Murphy walked towards the knives slowly, gathering them into his hands before starting to walk back towards the table. 

“On second thought,” McCreary held up a hand to stop him in place. “Go stand in front of the target. Blake, I’ll need some help with this one.” 

My hands clenched into fists by my sides until I realised I was still holding one of the knives, and the blade was digging into my skin. I relaxed a little, but only to shift the knife so that my fingers gripped the handle instead. Blake walked towards McCreary, passing a knife between his hands as he did so. “What did you have in mind?” He asked casually, but his body language was anything but. 

“Until John learns that it’s a bad idea to make snide comments like that instead of focusing on where he’s going wrong, I’m going to have you throw knives at him. If he flinches, he’s out.” McCreary announced, glancing at the hardened expression on Blake’s face. “You got a problem with that?” 

Blake’s knuckles turned white as his grip on the knives tightened as he challenged his superior. “What if I do?” 

“Then I’d remind you that I outrank you and have full authority in this situation, and all others. So although it was polite of me to check, whether or not you have a problem makes no difference,” he reminded him with a sneer. 

Blake’s jaw set in a mixture of determination and something else I couldn’t quite pick up on. He turned to face Murphy who was still standing against the target. He had paled, but for once hadn’t said a word about his situation. His hands were attached to his sides like they’d been glued there, and the only indication that they weren’t were the fact that his hands were curling into and out of fists with enough strength to leave permanent nail marks in the flesh of his palms. 

I watched my friend take a deep breath and hold himself still, mentally readying himself not to flinch as Blake raised his hand to throw one of the knives. Raven inhaled sharply next to me and I watched the flash of enjoyment in McCreary’s eyes at what was about to happen. That’s what made my lip curl in disgust, the amount he was _enjoying_ this. “Don’t.” The word was out of my mouth before I could stop myself, and Blake glared at me warningly as he lowered the knife. 

“What was that?” McCreary raised an eyebrow at me. “Did you say something?” 

“Yeah,” I gained a little more confidence at the fact that they’d listened enough to stop in time. “I said ‘don’t’. As in, ‘hold the fuck up, don’t you _fucking_ touch him’.” 

“Ballsy,” he laughed. “You got anything to back up that threat? Or can we get back to it?”

I swallowed thickly. “The only reason you’re pissy today is because we beat you in capture the flag and your pride is a little bruised.” The room went silent. “Dauntless is about bravery, right? Then why are you bullying us like a coward? You can’t prove anything by forcing him in front of that target.”

“If it doesn’t do anything, you won’t mind taking his place?” McCreary gestured to the target Murphy was in front of and I shrugged. 

“If that’s what it takes.” 

He narrowed his eyes at me as I walked towards the target, “If that’s what it takes for _what_?” 

“For you to stop being a dick. Thought that much was clear?” I replied casually, standing opposite Murphy. 

“You don’t need to do this, Lyss,” he whispered, catching my arm. 

I sent him a reassuring smile, “Relax, I’ve been stabbed before.” 

“That’s not relaxing in the slightest,” he pointed out, stepping aside and reluctantly letting me take his place. “You can’t build up an immunity to stab wounds.” 

“Watch me,” I replied, flattening myself at the target and locking eyes with Blake as soon as Murphy was out of the way. “Get on with it, then.” I watched him, refusing to look anywhere but. If he was going to throw knives at me, he was going to remember the look on my face as he did it. 

“If you flinch, Murphy takes your place,” he warned. 

I plastered a smile on my face, “Good job I won’t be flinching then.” 

I didn’t see the knife land, too focused on the concentration on Blake’s face as he threw it. My eyes flickered to where it had landed in the target and my hands once again clenched into fists, my fingernails biting my palms in a way that’s sure to leave raw crescents later. I closed my eyes and took a breath, forcing them open again for the next shot. 

“Ready to stop?” Blake raised an eyebrow, watching me intently. 

“How little _faith_ you have in me,” I replied, choosing my words carefully in order to bring the memory of the ferris wheel from last night to the forefront of his mind. 

_“You know, the day I met you you said I had too much faith in you, but I think I have_ just _the right amount of faith.”_

_Blake laughed, the sound filled with disbelief. “If I recall it correctly, I said you had too much faith in Dauntless,” he pointed out._

_“You are the epitome of Dauntless,” I replied. “Same difference.”_

The next knife hit the board just above my head, I heard it land and I felt it more than anything else. It didn’t touch me— definitely not close enough for that— but close enough for me to feel the target shake a little above my head. 

“Just say the word and someone else can take your place,” Blake pressed, and I realised how tired I was of him trying to get me to back down. 

“I swear to god, Blake, if you open your mouth one more time—” I calmed myself down before threatening him, realising I wasn’t in the best place for that. “Look, if you think I’m quitting then you clearly don’t know me very well.” 

His final knife spun towards me and my ear felt hot. When I reached up to touch it, and brush my fingers along the knife buried in the target next to me, I realised he’d caught it with the knife. Dark blood stained my fingertips from the cut and I wiped it on my training gear before folding my arms and leaning back against the target nonchalantly. 

“Well, as entertaining as _that_ was,” McCreary laughed, “That’s all for today.” He patted me on the shoulder and gestured towards the exit. “You’re making me think I should be keeping an eye on you,” he whispered, and I tried to hide the way my body tensed up when he got close. He reminded me too much of someone I used to know and it automatically activated my fight or flight reflex. 

“You’re making _me_ think you already do,” I replied with a pointed look, and he let out a laugh before following the others out of the room. 

Only Blake and I were left.

He glanced at me, eyes skimming over the blood on my ear. I touched it self-consciously, getting more blood on my fingers. I couldn’t resist the urge to walk towards the table where he was clearing up and use the tip of one of the knives to pick it out from under my fingernails. 

“Are you—” 

I didn’t let him finish. “Nice shot,” I announced. “What, were you expecting a thank you?” 

“If I didn’t do it, you’d still be standing there,” Blake replied quietly.

“I know exactly why you did it.” 

“Do you? Because I’m getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!” He snapped, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand.

I scoffed, “Catch on to what? That you’re McCreary’s bitch? That you can’t stand up to him because of some shitty hierarchy even when I can clearly see that you don’t agree with the shit he’s trying to pull?” 

“Goddammit, Lyss—” 

I froze at the use of the nickname. Murphy started it during the first or second week here and it sort of caught on amongst my other friends. Somehow, when Blake used it it felt different. Maybe it was because he’d never used it before. Either way, it caught me off guard. “Relax,” I snapped at him, cutting him off mid-sentence. “It’s not like I actually got stabbed. Besides, if you had, it wouldn’t be the first time that had happened to me so it’s not a big deal.” 

“If I wanted to hurt you, I would’ve done it already,” Blake’s hand formed a fist around the knife he was holding and it sailed past me— not nearly as close as before— and wedged itself into the centre of one of the targets. He didn’t turn to look where it had landed, already storming out. 

I slammed my hand down on the table, ignoring the pain it caused.

~

That night, I went to the training room like usual. I hit the punching bag until my fists bled and then I hit it some more for good measure. It was already past midnight, and today was the last day of part one of training, which meant tomorrow is Visiting Day. Not that anyone would bother coming to visit me. Who did I have? My dad? I wonder how long it took him to realise I wasn’t coming home. Not like he cared enough to come to the choosing ceremony. Not like he cared enough to ask anyone who was there which faction I’d be transferring to. Not like he cared, full stop. 

The door swung shut behind me and I was surprised that Blake showed. “Didn’t think you’d come,” I remarked. 

“Whoever you’re expecting, I’m not them,” Murphy drawled from behind me. 

I spun around, “No, but you are a pleasant surprise.” 

“Don’t think anyone’s ever described me as ‘pleasant’ before,” he laughed. 

I leant against the table, watching Murphy as his eyes flickered over to where the targets were still up from earlier. Where I took his place. Where I had knives thrown at me. “What are you doing here?”

“You disappear. At night, you disappear. I’ve noticed— I wake up a lot, and you’re gone. This time I followed you,” he shrugged. “Look, about earlier… you didn’t need to do that.” 

“I know.” 

“Why did you?” 

“McCreary’s a dick,” was the first explanation out of my mouth, but it wasn’t the whole truth. “We’re… we’re friends. I get a little protective of my friends sometimes.” I shrugged, running a hand through my hair. “I’d probably take a bullet for any of you—” I narrowed my eyes at him— “But if you take advantage of that, then I’ll be the one shooting.” 

“With an aim like yours I won’t risk it,” he laughed weakly, the corners of his mouth slowly turning up in a smile. “Thanks. For sort of taking a knife for me.” 

I glanced at the targets still set up. The knives were locked away, but I could probably find them easily. “Do you want me to help you practice so that next time I don’t have to?” 

“Yeah, I think I’d like that. Where do they keep the knives?” 

“Wherever they are it’s probably locked, but Miller taught me to pick locks so we’re good on that front,” I replied, looking around. 

“Miller? Nate ‘ex-Candor’ Miller taught you to pick locks? Actually, I’m not surprised by that at all.”


	7. No Sleep, No Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alyssa wins a fight and her prize is.... a visit to the infirmary. yay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from 'fire' by the score

Last day of physical training. My fight was with Echo, but we weren’t matched at the top of the list which meant I had to watch Murphy fight Shay first, and then Raven and Clarke. Murphy and I had been working with the knives until the early hours of the morning, and had barely gotten any sleep. It didn’t seem to affect us that much— mostly because I was used to it— but the bags under our eyes were pretty obvious. Just like I’d expected, Blake didn’t turn up for the duration of the time I was training with Murphy. This morning, he didn’t look me in the eye. 

Echo was ranked higher than me, which meant if I beat her then I’d get more points than if she beat me. If I beat her, I had a chance at the top ten. If I beat her, I had confirmation I was still in the game. Murphy and Shay’s fight was short. He had been improving and her skills were more strategy-focused which meant in close-quarters combat she didn’t fare as well. That didn’t stop her from giving him a bruised jaw and split lip. 

Raven and Clarke took a lot longer. They were evenly matched both in build and skill, and they circled around each other taking careful jabs and calculating their next move. It ended with Clarke apologetically pinning Raven until she fell unconscious after Raven gave her a bloody nose. They were almost even in the rankings, with Clarke two places ahead of Raven but only for her affinity for knife throwing yesterday. However Raven’s fighting skills had definitely improved, and there was a chance she would only be one place behind in the final rankings. 

When it was time for me to fight Echo, I put on a blank expression and raised my fists. I remembered how she had beaten Raven the first time. She liked to fake out her movements and come in from a different angle, so the first time she feinted to my left I ignored it completely, jabbing her in the stomach in the same way Dax had done to me, winding her and barely giving her time to recover before I swiped her feet out from under her. From the floor, she swung her legs around and brought me down before flipping onto her feet quickly and moving to kick me in the stomach. I caught her foot and twisting it, wincing as my arms absorbed the blow intended for my ribs. She came down on top of me and I tried to put her in a headlock but Echo elbowed me in the face until my eyes watered, giving herself a chance to escape. 

I stumbled to my feet and raised my fists again, blinking rapidly and ignoring the taste of blood on my lips. My jaw throbbed and I knew I’d need to ice it later but that didn’t matter. She lunged towards me but I caught her back and brought my knee up into her stomach. By the time she pushed me off she was not only winded but also dazed. Echo landed a good punch on my jaw and I went down, but her movements afterwards were sluggish and I managed to get back onto my feet before she could do any more damage. She threw a punch and I blocked it, only for her to block my attempt as well. I tried again and she ducked it, catching my other arm and twisting it behind my back until I felt my shoulder pop. I cursed inwardly before elbowing her in the ribs with my good arm and pushing through the pain and dropping like a stone onto the ground, bringing her with me. With one arm out of action I tangled my legs with hers to stop her from getting up until I could choke her until she lost consciousness. 

By the time she finally passed out, my shoulder was in agony and it hurt to speak thanks to the blow she landed on my jaw halfway through. I pulled myself to my feet and Blake lifted up Echo to take her to the infirmary for whatever other injuries I’d caused her. We walked the short distance side by side and in silence until I had to stop and lean against the wall for a breather. 

“You alright?” He asked, concern flashing across his face. 

“Nothing I can’t handle,” I shot back, shaking off the wave of dizziness and walking on ahead. Big mistake for my pride because when one of my steps faltered, I felt his hand slip easily around my back to steady me. “I’m fine,” I replied more weakly this time, before repeating it again to confirm it, holding my arm in place. 

He sighed, “Well, help is here if you need it.” And then, almost so quiet I didn’t hear it, “Always.” 

We arrived at the infirmary and he laid Echo down on one of the beds as she woke groggily, one of the Dauntless nurses checking her over and leaving me to collapse in a chair. All the other beds were full and I realised how much harder everyone had been pushing today in an attempt to improve their rankings. 

Blake watched from the side, checking on all of the kids in the infirmary but keeping an eye on me while the nurse popped my shoulder back in and handed me a sling. I’d probably stop wearing it after a day or so, but it was good to have in the meantime because it reduced the pain. 

On my way out, he tried to make conversation with me. “You looking forward to Visiting Day?” 

“Why would I? Not like anyone’s coming,” I pushed past him back out into the hallway. 

~

That night, he didn’t come to training again. It made sense since there wasn’t any more physical training to do anyway. But as dramatic as it sounds, hitting the punching bag for hours was calming, if a little painful since I was overusing my right hand to make up for the sling on my left. I moved onto knives for a while to give it a bit of a break, and that’s when Murphy came in. 

“Hey,” he announced his presence before I saw him, walking over and picking up a knife. Murphy tossed it at the target and it stuck in the center, so I flashed him a proud grin only to find the look on his face was anything but. 

“Hey,” I greeted him before asking. “What’s up?” 

“Everyone’s talking about Visiting Day…” Murphy trailed off. 

I sighed, “You’re not looking forward to it either?” 

“No one’s coming.” He replied flatly. “Both my parents are dead.” 

“Oh,” I wasn’t surprised at what he’d told me, but I was surprised that he had told me. “No one’s coming for me. My mom’s dead and my dad might as well be. Although I suppose he’s been pretty dead long before she actually died.” 

“I know what that’s like.” 

I sighed again, dropping the knife on the table and sitting on the floor. Murphy sat down next to me, leaning against one of the pillars that held the ceiling up. “Can I ask what happened?” 

“Well, I got the flu.” He scratched his neck and his collar pulled down to show the raven tattoo on it, making me unconsciously run a finger over the Dauntless tattoo on my wrist. “Went over the medicine allowance and nothing was working so my dad stole something different to try. That didn’t work either, and he got punished for it. Lost his job, forced out of Erudite. Only the Abnegation could interact with the factionless, so we couldn’t see him. When he died, we couldn’t see him then either. My mom started drinking pretty heavily after that, and the last thing she said to me before I found her face down in a pool of her own vomit is that… is that I killed my father.” 

I leant my head against his shoulder and soon felt the weight of his as it rested on top of mine. “If I tell you about when I was factionless, will you leave?” He didn’t answer straight away, probably dreading what could be so bad that I might scare him off. “I told someone, once. She was another factionless. She knew things already, but she still left. It was too much for her, too dark.” 

“You can’t scare me away, Lyss,” Murphy replied quietly. “You couldn’t scare me away even if you tried.” 

“Sure?” 

“Positive.” 

Okay, here goes nothing. “Before I was born, my parents were Erudite, but my dad also did something to get kicked out. I never found out what though. Anyway, while we were factionless, my dad had this deal with our neighbour. The factionless do that a lot, trading, keeps some of us sane, keeps others fed when Abnegation supplies are low. So this neighbour, he always managed to end up with extra supplies and no one questioned it. You question it, he won’t trade with you, so we learnt not to ask questions. My dad didn’t really have anything useful to trade, so he gave our ‘friend next door’ the best thing he could: my mom. Sometimes it was for evenings, sometimes it was an entire afternoon. I could hear them through the wall. She couldn’t handle it, but she thought it kept us alive— even though every scrap of extra food we got dad kept to himself— so she started drinking to cope. But when she finally had enough, she killed herself. So fourteen-year-old me knew the cause, traded various things belonging to my dad to get a gun…” I didn’t finish, didn’t have the energy. Instead, I raised my hand in a gun shape and pretended to fire into the distance. “Bang.” 

“That’s…” he tried to find the words. “Wow.” 

“I practised with the gun first, hence the ‘beginners luck’ when we started. Would’ve got him with knives but a lot of people around knew that was something I was good at, so I decided it would be better not to use them. It was just after Abnegation convinced Dauntless police to leave the factionless.” 

“Wow,” he repeated. 

I sighed, gesturing to the training room. “I get nightmares about that time a lot. Usually starts with finding my mom and ends with me pulling the trigger. Hence why I spend a lot more time in here and a lot less time sleeping.” 

I trusted him. I could’ve told him about being Divergent there and then, but I had a feeling it would put him in danger. That’s the only reason I didn’t. But I did remind myself to find Diyoza at the earliest opportunity and talk to her, try and get at least a little bit of information out of her. I leant back onto Murphy and sighed, closing my eyes for a minute.

“Screw shitty backstories,” he said firmly. “Faction before blood, right?” 

“Faction before blood.”


	8. Thought That I Would Self-Destruct, But I’m Still Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who doesn't love visiting day? oh yeah, people with shitty families.
> 
> to hell with shitty families, we can choose our own now. 
> 
> and that's on ✨found family✨

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from survivor

A lot of people were excited for visiting day. Murphy and I were _not_ a lot of people. Clarke was seeing her mom for the first time since the Choosing Ceremony— if her mom showed up— and they had made an exception for Raven since neither her nor her Candor boyfriend Finn had any other family, one of the older Dauntless women had agreed to supervise her leaving the compound so that they could meet in the city together. 

I stuck with Murphy most of the day, since neither of us had much to do, and we watched as families reunited but also kept their distance in the ‘faction before blood’ way that we’d been taught to do. When lunch time came around he tried to drag me to lunch but I told him I’d be a short while since I had something to do first. 

I found Diyoza.

She was hovering at the tattoo station, and there was a younger girl sitting on one of the tables swinging her legs. I looked between them, noticed the way their smiles were similar, and their eyes crinkled at the edges in the same way. “This your kid?” 

“Hope, meet Alyssa. Alyssa, meet my daughter Hope.” Diyoza replied. Hope waved briefly before picking up a marker pen and doodling on her arms. “She wants a tattoo but she’s not allowed one until she’s sixteen.” 

I laughed, before lowering my voice a little. “Can we talk? About… things? Or is now not a good time?” 

“Now isn’t a brilliant time,” she sighed. “But I’ve seen your ranking. You have to stop drawing so much attention to yourself. It’s dangerous. The next stage of training will involve how you respond to certain fears in a simulation. If you don’t respond in the way they want you to, you will be in danger.” 

I bit my lip, “What kind of fears?” 

“Your worst ones, usually. Most people have about ten to fifteen really bad ones,” Diyoza explained. 

I sunk into a chair and put my head in my hands. “I have like four main fears, and this is going to be hell.” 

Diyoza frowned, “What are you afraid of? That is, other than getting found out.” 

“That’s surprisingly not high on my list. But I’m scared of a few things, like drowning, small spaces, losing people I care about…” 

“That’s three. Come on, what’s the last one?” 

“Myself.” 

“Well kid, you’re in for a rough few weeks.” 

I let out a low, long whistle. “Thanks for your help.” I turned to her kid, “It was nice meeting you, Hope.” I left the tattoo station and pushed through the various families in The Pit to get to the cafeteria. I sent Clarke an apologetic look as I saw her mother’s eyes widen in shock at the fact that her daughter had gotten a tattoo and narrowly avoided being accidentally dragged into someone’s family reunion bone-crushing hug. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and spun around to see who it was. My heart practically fell through the floor and it seemed to take my tongue along with it because no words came as I stared at my father, who had somehow managed to come for visiting day _and_ get past security to do so. He still stank of booze and looked like he’d spent several weeks buried underground, so it wasn’t a large achievement that he’d managed to get in. By the time I finally managed to form a coherent sentence, he was already looking at me in disapproval. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” 

He scoffed, “Warm welcome.” Dad took in my new clothes and raised an eyebrow, “See you’ve finally got your shit together.” 

“See you haven’t.” 

“I’m here because we need to talk,” he answered my earlier question. 

I laughed sarcastically, “Funny, I have nothing to say to you.” I turned away but he grabbed my hand, his grip harsh on my bare wrist as he pulled me around to face him. Instead of lashing out first, which was what instantly came to mind, I steeled myself and unpicked his fingers from around my wrist. “I’ve just spent the last few weeks learning ways to disarm or in extreme cases murder, I think forcing me to do something I’m uncomfortable with won’t work well on your side.” 

“You didn’t need to come to Dauntless to know how to murder, Alyssa. Clearly you can do that all by yourself,” he sniped, and I bristled at the comment. 

“Get. Out,” I hissed, my voice low and full of warning. 

He reached for me again, more forcefully this time. “You and I are going to _talk_. Where other people can’t _hear_ us.” 

“No,” I ignored the way his fingernails were digging into my skin. “ _You_ are going to leave.” 

“You are my daughter, Alyssa Jones. Don’t you forget it. You listen to me or—” 

“Or what?” I asked, “What are you going to do?”

My dad plastered on a smile as another family walked past us, trying not to stare. Not all reunions were picture perfect. “We’re going, now.” 

I matched his tone and facial expressions with an almost identical one. “Make me.” 

He yanked me towards him, his grip still firm on my wrist and I winced as he tugged on my still-healing shoulder. I probably should have left the sling on but it had been getting in the way and although I could hide things in it like knives and food, it restricted my movement and that had been getting on my nerves. “ _Alyssa._ ” 

“Everything alright over here?” Blake asked, walking over and leaning against the wall next to us. Every fibre of his being was tensed, making the muscles on his arms stand out and he had a good few inches on my dad, enough at least to tower over him a little in a way that if it were anyone else I might be slightly intimidated by it, but since it was him I wasn’t in the slightest.

“Just catching up,” my father smiled, putting a hand on my shoulder and using it to pull me closer to him. Or rather, between him and Blake. 

I lowered my voice so only he could hear, “Take that hand off my shoulder or I’ll break every finger on it.” 

His hand didn’t move of its own accord, so I reached over and purposefully peeled each individual finger off, fully ready to carry out the threat. “If you don’t mind, I’d like some privacy to talk to my daughter,” he announced to Blake. 

Blake schooled his expression away from the irritation that was very visibly building up inside of him and looked my father up and down calculatingly. “If _you_ don’t mind, I need to borrow Alyssa to talk about her training scores.” 

“I do mind, actually.” 

“You know what? Screw this shit,” I muttered. Screw ‘not drawing attention to yourself’. Screw being polite. “Blake, I’ll gladly talk to you about training scores, there’s just something I have to do first.” 

I turned around to face my dad and he broke into a grin, “See? Knew you’d—” 

He was cut off by my fist hitting him in the jaw. He stumbled back, clutching his face before advancing and preparing to throw his own punch, “Listen here you little—” 

Blake caught his arm and twisted it behind his back, lowering his voice and leaning towards my dad so that only he could hear him. I wasn’t sure what he said, but whatever it was must have been pretty graphic because my father went as white as a sheet, announcing through gritted teeth “I’ll see you next Visiting Day,” before he was finally released. He stumbled forwards, throwing one last look back at Blake as he disappeared towards the exit. 

I blinked, trying to comprehend what just happened. “What the fuck did you say to him?” 

“That’s between me and the guy currently shitting himself as he tries to find his way out of here,” he replied calmly, folding his arms. 

“I didn’t need any help,” I pointed out. “I definitely had that handled.” 

“You proved that when you punched him in the face. Good thing, really, since I was seconds away from doing that myself.” Blake shrugged, “But since I’m one of the trainers it’s slightly less acceptable.” 

“Screw acceptable, slap a bitch,” I decided. 

“That your life motto, Alyssa?” He laughed. 

“No, my life motto is ‘if it won’t get me killed, I’m doing it wrong’,” I joked. 

Blake snorted, a louder laugh than I’d ever heard him make before, “That would explain _so_ much, Miss ‘I Have A Death Wish’.” 

“I don’t have a death wish,” I argued. 

“Much.” 

“Oh, shut up,” I elbowed his arm and rolled my eyes, but I was smiling a little. “Like I said, I didn’t need help… but thanks for teaching me how to throw a better punch.”

He smirked, “You enjoyed that, didn’t you. Punching him in the face.” 

I laughed, “So fucking much.” 

“You alright now?” He asked, glancing in the direction my dad had disappeared. 

“I will be. Once I find some food,” I decided, giving him a mock salute. “See you around, Blake.” 

“Final stage one rankings are released tomorrow!” Blake called after me as I disappeared around the corner. Sure, I wasn’t supposed to be making waves or drawing attention to myself, but that’s just the kind of person I was. If I come out on top, then I come out on top. 

I slid into a seat next to Murphy in the cafeteria and pinched one of his chips. He glared at me as I tossed it into my mouth and swatted my hand away when I grabbed another. “What took you so long? And these are _mine._ ” 

“Ran into someone I didn’t think was coming. Punched him in the face, casual Tuesday.” 

“Shit, your dad?” Murphy’s eyebrows shot up as I nodded. “I wouldn’t mind taking a swing at him either.” 

I laughed, “That’s what Blake said right before he scared him off. Not that I didn’t have it handled.” 

“Blake scared him off?” 

“I don’t know what he said to him but I’m pretty sure it put him off ever coming back, so that’s a win in my books,” I replied with a shrug. 

Murphy nodded in approval, “Wish I’d seen it.” 

Raven collapsed in a chair opposite, letting her head fall against the cold surface of the table. “I’m going to need some of that chocolate cake.” 

I took one look at her and swiped a slice from one of the neighbouring Dauntless at the table before they could notice, nudging her arm with the plate until she lifted her head enough to accept it, and the fork that Murphy placed down next to it. “What happened to you?” 

“Saw Finn for the first time since Choosing Day. I also saw Finn’s _girlfriend_ ,” she replied, shoving a large piece of cake in her mouth. 

“You _what_?” My eyebrows shot up. 

“I mean, I knew we’d break up because we’re not supposed to have personal relationships with the other factions… but this was his girlfriend of _five months_.”

Five months. That’s before… “He was cheating on you?” Murphy exploded before I had the chance, slamming his fist against the table and causing some of the food on his plate to jump upwards slightly (and giving me a chance to steal another chip from mid-air). 

“Son of a bitch,” I cursed. “When initiation’s over I’ll kill him.” 

Murphy shot me a sideways glance, “Why wait? Jason’s a reasonable guy, think he’d supply us?” 

“Guys?” Raven tried to cut in. 

“Gear? Definitely. Should we leave tonight?” I suggested. 

“Guys?” 

He thought about it for a second, “Well, I don’t have any plans for the rest of the afternoon?” 

“Me neither.” 

“ _Guys!_ ” Raven caught our attention, “You’re not killing Finn.” 

I sighed, “Fine. Only if you’re sure.” 

“ _Completely_ sure,” Murphy corrected. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Clarke asked, taking the empty seat next to Raven. 

“How we’re going to murder her son of a bitch cheating dickhead ex-boyfriend,” I replied bluntly. 

Clarke’s face darkened, “He cheated on you?” Raven nodded. “When do we leave?” 

“Clarke!” Raven protested, “The three of you aren’t killing him!” 

“Right,” Clarke winked. “Definitely _not_ working out the logistics.” She lowered her voice and leant towards me, “Jason would totally give us weapons if we asked, right?” 

“Oh yeah, for sure,” I replied, glad we were on the same wavelength. 

Raven glared at us and we burst out laughing, and within a few minutes she was laughing too, happy for the distraction. I grabbed another piece of cake and some extra forks so we could share it, while Clarke recounted the good and bad parts of an afternoon with her mother. When we’d managed to cheer Raven up a bit more, we prepared to head back to the dormitory. At least, that’s where we assumed we were going. 

“Murphy, this isn’t the way back to the dorm,” Clarke pointed out. 

He rolled his eyes, “I’m not an idiot, Griffin. I know exactly where I’m going.” 

“And where is that?” I laughed, following him up the flights of stairs. 

Murphy threw open the doors dramatically to get to the roof, where a full-blown Dauntless party was taking place. “So while you decked your dad, Lyss, I had a chat with Miller— met his dad too, he’s alright— and Miller had heard about this _party_ and tradition that they have. Naturally, I had to come see for myself.” 

Music was blaring out of speakers that had somehow been lugged up the seven flights of stairs and someone had brought lights that changed colour and flashed, throwing multicoloured spots of light across the roof and onto the people dancing below them. I let out a breath, never having been to a proper party before. 

He took a bow, “You’re welcome.” 

Miller appeared with a grin on his face and a drink in hand, “Wondered when you’d be showing up. These two Amity boys have a deal with that Riley kid on the gate and they give him moonshine in exchange for us occasionally sneaking them into the parties. They’re over there.” He pointed to two figures in pastel clothing, who would be sticking out like a sore thumb against all the dark and leather if they hadn’t been the ones supplying the alcohol. A third figure joined them and I recognised her immediately, leaving the others to see her. 

“HARPER!” I shouted above the music, and she whirled around to meet me, also with a drink in hand. Harper grinned, giving me a one-armed hug and gesturing to the party. 

“Is it like this all the time? I only found out Jasper and Monty had been doing this _after_ I saw you last.” She explained, “We were on the back of the truck driving away and Monty told me about their secret moonshine business.” 

At that point, Jasper and Monty announced themselves. They finished whatever conversation they were having to introduce themselves and I welcomed them to Dauntless HQ, even though they’d seemingly been here dozens of times before. “So, you’re the awesome best friend we’ve heard so much about,” Jasper looked me up and down. “Jasper Jordan.” 

“Monty,” Monty introduced himself. “How’s initiation going?” 

“Painful,” I replied with a laugh, waving Raven, Murphy and Clarke over. “These are my friends.” 

The two groups introduced themselves to each other before we slowly migrated over to the dance floor. It was nice spending time with Harper again, and surprisingly enough she seemed to get along pretty well with Murphy of all people. Not as well as she got on with Monty of course, and I noticed something there that I might ask her about in the future once the other boy wasn’t around. 

Clarke and Harper compared the differences in food between Abnegation, Amity and Dauntless, and I raised my eyebrows suggestively at Murphy as Raven led him off to dance. Miller appeared behind me as the song changed and tapped me on the shoulder. “Dance?” 

_She came to me in robes of white_

_In the corner of my room_

_A spectre of the night_

_Silhouetted by the moon_

“I don’t really dance,” I pointed out. 

He laughed, “Everyone dances.” 

I shook my head, “Not me.” 

_We’re floating fast over traffic lights_

_Bearing down on blackened skies_

_Colors burst as I close my eyes_

“You do now,” he dragged me into the middle of the dance floor despite my protests and I swayed slightly to the music. 

_And she said_

_“Lay me down in golden dandelions,_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life,_

_Follow me into the dark”_

I gave in and let him twirl me a little as we made our way over to where Murphy and Raven were dancing. 

_And she said_

_“Lay me down in golden dandelions,_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting”_

_A thousand pictures in my mind_

_In a painting of the past_

_I’m brushing over lines_

_And I’ll paint them all again_

I can’t dance to save my life, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t fun. Someone handed me a cup of moonshine and it wasn’t long before I could feel it in my veins as I moved my body in time to the music. 

_We’re floating fast over traffic lights_

_Bearing down on blackened skies_

_Colors burst as I close my eyes_

_And she said_

_“Lay me down in golden dandelions_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life_

_Follow me into the dark”_

Tomorrow, rankings come out. Tomorrow, some of us could be going home. But tonight? 

Tonight we could have some fun. 

_And she said_

_“Lay me down in golden dandelions_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting_

_Yeah, I’ve been waiting_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting”_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song near the end is 'golden dandelions' by barns courtney and it SLAPS 10/10 would recommend.


	9. I'm Screaming At The Top Of My Lungs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time to face your fears, literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from can you hear me now by the score

The moment of truth. The day we find out our individual rankings. The ranking board had been taken down while the rankings were finalised, so for the last two days it had been like flying blind with no idea how well or terrible we’d done. 

After dinner, we met in the training room to for the reveal of the rankings. Blake was waiting, and he started to explain the process. “We’ll announce the cuts tomorrow. Whether you’re transfer or Dauntless-born, it doesn’t make a difference. Four of you could be factionless and none of them, and vice versa. Or any combination. Either way, here are your ranks.” 

He hung the board up and moved out of the way so we could see. 

  1. Dax
  2. Clarke
  3. Alyssa
  4. Echo
  5. Raven
  6. Murphy
  7. Miller
  8. Atom
  9. Jade



I froze. _Third? THIRD?_ Murphy snapped me out of it by clapping a hand on my back and I laughed, high-fiving Clarke for coming second. No matter how much I tried to school my expression into nonchalance, because there was still a long way to go and I wasn’t there yet, I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face. 

Echo glared at me, probably because she had come lower, and at the beginning of training it was her and Dax fighting for the top rank. Well, guess she never noticed she had more competition. She must have realised that her rank only went down because she lost to a lower-ranked opponent (me) and her gaze intensified. 

My eyes landed on Blake as he leant against the wall and smirked. He gave a small— so subtle I almost missed it— nod of approval and I winked back. Guess I better start trying to find him a tattoo before I fight my way to the overall top three. 

The Pit is alive with older Dauntless and it was weird being there without my friends but I made my way towards the tattoo place anyway. Diyoza was inside, packing away her things when she saw me. She raised a questioning eyebrow and I knew exactly what she was asking for. 

“Third.” 

“Third?” 

“Out of the nine transfers,” I replied. 

Diyoza sighed, “When will you start following my advice, kid?” 

“When it doesn’t affect my competitive spirit?” I suggested, and she laughed. “I’m here for a tattoo. But not yet, I want to sort out ideas for _when_ I become a fully-fledged member of Dauntless. Or at least when I pass the next stage of training.” 

“What’s it about?” 

“Facing my fears.” 

~

The second stage of training— the mental stage— involved a lot of waiting. I wondered if that was part of the tactic because if everyone was already anxious then prolonging whatever was going to happen was only going to allow for speculations to get worse. Then again, maybe they were just short-staffed. Raven had disappeared into the room a while ago, and the rest of us sat against the wall in the corridor outside. 

Murphy was picking something out from underneath his fingernails and Clarke was daydreaming, completely zoned out. On my other side, Miller was tapping a beat out on his leg and I vaguely recognised it from one of the songs playing the other night. Opposite, the remaining Dauntless-born initiates sat. They had two cuts, we had two cuts. At least, that’s what I assumed since four people were supposed to be cut overall, and only two of them ended up being from the transfer group— Jade and Atom— which meant that the other two had to have been from the Dauntless-borns. We were finally together for the second stage of training now the numbers had decreased.

One of the Dauntless-borns looked up, locking eyes with me judgmentally as she ran a hand down her dark braid. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and instead held her gaze like a challenge, raising an eyebrow until she finally announced what she had clearly been wanting to say. “What were your rankings? I bet I could take any of you in the top five. Who’s number one?” 

“Dax, the kid who went in first,” I replied. “Then Clarke,” Clarke seemed to snap out of her trance at the mention of her name, “Then me.” 

“Myself,” Echo chimed in, glaring at the other girl. “And the girl inside now.” 

“Raven,” I corrected.

“ _Raven_ ,” Echo imitated, rolling her eyes and turning to face away from us. 

The girl with the braid shrugged. “Well _I’m_ first out of the Dauntless-borns. The name’s Ontari.”

I scanned over her, more interested now that she was number one. She was my competition. Ontari was tall and her muscles were small but defined, and she held a look in her eye that seemed like it could cause plants to wither. The edge of what might have been one tattoo but possibly more peeked out from the end of her left sleeve and the side of her neck. I couldn’t make out entirely what it was, but it looked big. 

“Could you take me? Maybe,” I wondered out loud. “Would I bring you down with me? Definitely.” 

Murphy snorted, but didn’t say anything. 

“Let’s see then,” Ontari stood up and walked over, and like most people she had at least a couple of inches on me. Being short _sucks._

I stood up and matched her expression, folding my arms and sighing. “I _would_ , but I’d rather focus on whatever hell is waiting behind that door than whatever hell you _think_ you can unleash on me right here.” 

“Scared?” 

“You should be.” 

“Am I interrupting something?” Blake asked, raising an eyebrow as he sent Raven out. She walked quietly, not saying a word to any of us before disappearing out the end door with her eyes glued to the ground. _What the hell goes on in there?_ “Alyssa, you’re up.” 

I smiled at Ontari, but it was completely fake. “Another time, perhaps.” 

She glared at me as I walked away, and I ducked under Blake’s open arm as he held the door open and walked inside the room. The door swung shut after me and I froze when I saw the chair. It was exactly like in the aptitude test. The chair had the same machine next to it like then too, and I remembered my conversation with Diyoza which put me even more at unease. 

“Take a seat,” Blake gave me a gentle nudge towards the chair and I took a step forward, but I didn’t move any further. 

“I’m going to die,” I stated matter-of-factly. 

He smiled, “You’re not going to die, Lyss. It’s just a simulation.” 

“Exactly,” I replied, even though I knew he had no idea what I meant. The phrase ‘I’m so screwed’ repeated inside my head like a mantra as I eventually sat down in the chair. 

“This simulation is going to teach you to control your emotions when you’re literally facing your fears. The serum causes a hallucination by stimulating the part of your brain that processes fear and you stay in that hallucination until you can calm down. It has transmitters in that stream straight to my computer,” Blake explained, as he brushed my hair out of the way to inject the serum into my neck. 

I pulled a face, “So you can see inside my head?” 

“Correct.” 

“Have you ever had someone have _that_ as their fear? Like their fear is literally someone seeing what goes on inside their head? Because that must be super awkward for you,” I remarked, trying to steer the conversation away from what’s about to happen. 

“The first time is always the worst,” he warned. “Be brave.”

My eyes closed, and when I opened them again the simulation had started. Logically, I shouldn’t be scared. It’s a simulation, it isn’t real, it can’t hurt me. Yet faced with the prospect of facing each of my main fears seemed to have kicked my brain into high gear and my heartbeat began to speed up as I looked around. 

I looked around at the room around me. It was large, with mirrors on all sides like in the aptitude test, and I wondered for a moment if I’d have to relive that as part of the fear simulation. I hoped not. I took a step forward and felt the faint noise of water, like I’d stepped in a puddle. When I looked down, the floor was wet, and the water level was slowly rising. 

Ah, drowning fear. Should’ve seen this coming. 

The room didn’t have a door, so there wasn’t an easy way out. The water level rose past my hips, sloshing as I moved and reminding me that it was only getting higher. I took a deep breath and dived under the water, forcing my eyes open to try and scour the place where the floor and walls met to see if there was a way out I’d initially missed. Unfortunately, I drew a blank. When I pushed off from the floor again, the water was higher than I remembered and I had to stand on the tips of my toes to keep my head above it. 

As the water filled the room even more, it pushed me upwards towards the ceiling as I tried to stay afloat. Realistically, since there weren’t any lights in the ceiling, it should’ve been dark in there. Somehow it wasn’t, and I chalked it up to my brain being bad at interior design. The water pushed me against the ceiling and I took a breath, diving under once more to see if an exit would present itself. 

I ran out of breath and broke the surface again, minimal space between me and the ceiling that was slowly diminishing as more water filled the room and I began to panic. There it was, the fight, flight, or freeze reflex. My heartbeat echoed in my ears, blocking out all other sounds as I began to choke on the water, pressing my mouth up in the last amount of space before the room was completely filled with water and I couldn’t take in any more air. 

My lungs burned as my body used up the oxygen, and it was impossible to take another breath. When I was forced to open my mouth as my body craved more air, I sucked in water and started to cough again, to choke, to drown. 

_I was going to drown. I was going to drown. I was going to—_

For some reason, my brain chose that exact moment to remind me of Blake’s words. _“You stay in that hallucination until you can calm down.”_

I could feel the water filling up my lungs as I breathed in, and black spots appeared at the edges of my vision. _Hallucination. Hallucination. Hallucination._

_It’s in my head._

I stopped trying to breathe and closed my eyes, even as my lungs felt like they might burst. I put a hand over my heart and although I couldn’t slow my breathing, before I passed out from lack of oxygen I went completely still, and let the simulation run its course. _Simulation. Not real. If it’s in my head, I can control it._

I braced myself before burying my fist in the glass and watching as cracks splintered out from the point of contact. I hit it again, and again, trying to find a way out. The water slowed my movements and it made breaking it harder but I continued to push as the crack widened, getting larger and larger and opening up more with the pressure from the water. 

When I was greeted by the bright lights of the simulation room and the familiar feeling of the chair underneath me, it took about 0.2 seconds before I leant over the side towards the trash can and dry heaved into it. It felt like there was still water in my lungs, like I was still suffocating, still drowning, still dying. I wiped my mouth with the back of a shaking hand before flopping back against the seat and closing my eyes again. 

“Sorry about that,” I whispered, my hands still shaking as I clenched my fists. “I have a strong urge to hit something now.” 

“Don’t apologise, I’ve seen worse reactions to coming out of the fear sim. But please don’t hit anything.” 

“I failed, didn’t I? I failed like—” I just about stopped myself before accidentally saying _“like I failed the aptitude test”_ and instead repeated the first statement. “I failed.” 

Blake sighed, “You didn’t fail.” 

“Didn’t I?” I quirked an eyebrow, sitting on my hands to distract myself from the fact that they were still visibly shaking. 

“Well, do you think getting out twice as fast as everyone else is a failure? You were only in there for five minutes,” he revealed, resting a hand on my shoulder. “You didn’t fail, Alyssa.” 

I sighed, thinking it over. “What was your first time like? Was it as bad as mine?” 

“You’re not gonna turn this into a competition, are you?” A smile teased Blake’s lips. “It wasn’t brilliant.”

“Are you over that fear now?” 

“Not yet. Maybe never. Sometimes fears go away, sometimes they get replaced by new ones. Fearlessness isn’t the point, it’s how you control the fear that matters. You want me to walk me back to your dorm?” 

I shrugged, “I don’t need help, I’ll be fine.” 

He laughed, “What is it about you and doing everything yourself? You need to learn to accept help when you need it. What are you afraid of?” 

“What are _you_ afraid of?” I countered, “You’ve already seen inside my head, I want to know what goes on in yours.” 

Blake rolled his eyes, guiding me out the door and down the corridor towards the dorms. “What was it you said? ‘You haven’t reached enough friendship level to unlock my tragic backstory yet.” 

“Touché,” I laughed, changing direction and making my way towards the training room instead. 

“Where are we going?” 

“You insisted on walking me but I don’t want to go to the dorms. I would like to hit something, and to make sure that isn’t any of my fellow initiates—” I coughed, “Dax and Echo— I’m going to find a punching bag instead.” 

He laughed, pushing open the training room door and waving me inside. “Very noble of you. See you tomorrow.” 

“Whichever of my friends you see last, can you tell them where I am?” I asked before he disappeared. 

“‘Course,” he replied, moving towards the door before hesitating and turning back. “Alyssa?” 

“Mhm?” I asked, already wrapping my hands. 

“How’d you break the glass?” 

I froze, “Huh?” 

“In the sim, how’d you do it?” 

I shrugged, trying to hide my nerves. “With difficulty.” 

~

Clarke was the last person in the fear sim out of my friends and she met me in the training room before walking to the dorm to collect the others. We stopped by The Pit afterwards to get some more new clothes. Clarke walked out with a new pair of boots, Miller with a new shirt, Murphy with a new jacket, and Raven with a new tattoo that she refused to tell anyone what (or where) it is. I got the first part of the tattoo I had been planning with Diyoza, and my chest burned where the bandage was under my new top. 

Somehow, on the way to dinner, Murphy had ended up giving Raven a piggyback just like on the way back to the Dauntless compound after capture the flag. He pretended to drop her but she wrapped herself around him so tightly in protest that they both ended up on the floor at one point. I laughed as Miller convinced Clarke to get on his back so they could race Murphy and Raven down the corridor. 

When we passed the chasm, I noticed Blake leaning against the railing and laughing. He didn’t look serious like he did in training, he looked relaxed… and _light_. Like he was actually having fun. He spotted me and waved, pushing off from the railing to make his way over. “Lyss!” 

At the end of the corridor, Raven and Clarke leant against each other laughing and breathless as Miller complained about losing. Murphy locked eyes with me for a second and I knew exactly why - there were five of us, yet Blake was talking directly to me. I wasn’t worried, but I noticed their slight confusion. 

“Hey,” I laughed. “What are you doing?” 

“Flirting with _death_ ,” he replied with a lopsided grin, “Drinking near the chasm. It’s a terrible idea.” 

I raised an eyebrow, “Sounds exactly like something I’d do.” 

“That must be why I have alarm bells ringing then,” Blake laughed, before saying almost to himself, “Maybe if I change the batteries, they’ll turn off.” 

“What?” I laughed in disbelief, not in the slightest used to seeing him like this. The usual tension is completely gone from his body. I raised a hand to brush a piece of hair out of my face and his eyes followed it, lingering slightly on the tattoo on the inside of my wrist. 

“Well, I should probably be getting back,” he shrugged, sighing. “I’d invite you to join us… but you’re not supposed to see me like this.” 

My eyebrow edged up further, “Like what? Completely wasted?” 

Blake laughed, “Sort of… a little…” he shrugged, glancing at the ceiling for a moment before replying. “Real.” 

“Then I guess I’ll have to pretend I didn’t.”

He grinned again, “By the way, you look good.” 

I tried not to react to the way that made my heart speed up, even though it’s clear that Blake is drunk out of his mind and probably doesn’t know what he’s saying. I could’ve replied to that directly, but instead I turned my attention to the chasm on the other side of us. “Don’t be an idiot, stay away from the chasm, okay?”

“For you, Lyss, I will try my _best_ ,” Blake replied unconvincingly, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and smile. 

Then Murphy arrived out of nowhere and threw an arm around my shoulder, “Lyss, I’m _starving_ and the others are too nice to say it but they won’t leave without you.” 

“The others?” I mused, “Not including you?” 

“I’m ready to go but I’d rather not go to dinner alone,” he shrugged, “So let’s _go._ ” 

I laughed, waving goodbye to Blake as Murphy tugged me along towards the dining hall. “Alright, let’s eat.” 

“So,” he raised an eyebrow suggestively before we got back to the others. “What was _that_ about?” 

“Nothing, he just wanted to say hi,” I lied. 

Murphy’s eyebrow edged up further, “I can read lips, Lyss.” 

I scowled at him. “Not. A. Word.” 

He raised his hands in surrender, “Just saying…” 

I rolled my eyes and gave him a gentle nudge towards the others, chancing a quick look back at Blake who was laughing his ass off at something one of his friends had said. “Whatever, Murphy. I want some food.”


	10. The World Is A Curse, It’ll Kill If You Let It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lot of fears, and a lot of competition. what could go wrong?
> 
> if you haven't guessed by now i suck at summaries
> 
> tw: suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from high enough by K.Flay

I was walking along a corridor I recognised. I sighed, wondering to myself if Blake could hear as well as see what happened in the simulation. To test it, I announced out loud, “This is about to get real dark, real fast, if this is what I think it is.” 

I began to think that this is _exactly_ what I thought it was as I entered the familiar room, fully bracing myself to see my dead mother on the floor and to walk the path of my nightmares at two in the afternoon. But it wasn’t what I was expecting, and that shocked me more than anything else. 

Murphy, Clarke, Raven and Miller were strapped to chairs. They were bound and gagged, and there was a table directly in front of me. On the table was a gun. I knew exactly what the simulation wanted me to do, but I couldn’t do it. “No,” I said firmly. “I won’t.” 

“If you won’t, then I will,” someone announced behind me. I spun around and groaned, “Are you fucking kidding me? Damn, do you get around.” 

It was my fourteen-year-old self. _Again._

I felt a gun click behind my head, “Pick up the gun and shoot them.” 

“ _No._ ” 

“Why not?” Younger-me laughed. “Wouldn’t be the first time?” 

I turned around to face her again, leaning into the barrel of the gun that was aimed directly at my forehead. “I won’t.” The wall behind her was covered in graffiti, but on closer inspection I realised it was just the word ‘MONSTER’ written over and over again. “I won’t do it.” 

“How about now?” She turned me back to face them and instead of it being my friends, it was four copies of the man I’d already killed. “Getting déjà vu?”

“A little,” I spat back bitterly, passing the gun between my hands and raising it towards the first of the duplicates. I cocked the gun, ignoring the way that my hand trembled. _It’s just a simulation. It’s in my head. It’s not real._ I tried to remind myself, but it didn’t make it easier. _I’m not really back here, it’s just a hallucination._

That didn’t seem to make it any less real. 

My finger closed around the trigger, squeezing it gently and closing my eyes so I didn’t have to see. When I opened them again, the figure was sagging forwards, blood dripping from the hole in his head. But it wasn’t the person I’d intended to shoot, because while I had my eyes shut, it had turned back into Miller. I swallowed down the bile that rose in my throat, fighting back tears. _It’s not him. It’s not real. It’s not real._

This time, when I brought the gun up towards the copy that used to be Raven, I didn’t close my eyes. Maybe it would make a difference, maybe it wouldn’t. It didn’t. Only this time, after pulling the trigger I was forced to watch as the person changed into my friend just before the bullet buried itself in her forehead and she slumped forwards. 

When I moved onto the next person, formerly Clarke, it was already changing— but not back into her— into my father. I brought up my other hand to hold the hand with the gun steady, although it didn’t do much since both were shaking like crazy. I knew I couldn’t get out of the simulation until I calmed down. So I tried to steady my breathing and my heart rate, to relax myself, to imagine I was anywhere but here. 

But it didn’t work.

So I pulled the trigger.

I looked up again and the bullet had missed as a result of my shaking hands. There was a chip in the wall behind where it had buried itself instead, and I was forced to focus enough to get a good shot in. This time, dad slumped forward, slowly changing into Clarke. I tried not to look. When I moved onto the figure that was formerly Murphy, he was already changing back into my friend in time to look up and quietly beg me not to shoot. Tears dripped from his eyes, and when I reached up to brush a piece of hair out of my face I realised I was crying too. 

“I’m not doing it,” I whispered, ignoring the way the words caught in my throat. “I can’t. I won’t.” 

“Do it,” younger-me rolled her eyes. “Or you die too.” 

“Then I guess I’ll have to die,” I replied, placing the gun against my temple and pulling the trigger. 

I burst out of the simulation like I’d been forcefully thrown from it, tears streaming down my face and red marks on my palms from where I’d been unconsciously clenching my fists. My hands were shaking again and the action of it was so distracting that I moved them underneath me to sit on them like I did the first time I came out of the fear sim. I refused to meet Blake’s eyes, desperate not to be the one to speak first. Luckily, he didn’t seem to need much prompting. 

“Alyssa, what the hell just happened?” 

I stared at him blankly. “Everyone’s afraid of something.” 

“What the fuck.” He didn’t even phrase it like a question. 

“Looks like it was a double,” I announced, “That was two fears.” 

Blake frowned, “Two?” 

“Two closely related ones. At the same time,” I replied numbly. “I need to hit something. Hard.” I stood up to leave but Blake caught the door, resting a hand on it so I couldn’t open it. “Let. Me. Out.” 

“When you’ve calmed down,” he replied. “Then you can go.” 

I laughed, “Isn’t that the whole point of the sim? You stay there until you calm down?” 

“Unless you fucking kill yourself, yeah,” Blake snapped. “Sit back down so we can talk about this.” 

“I’d rather go find a punching bag, actually,” I yanked on the door again but he pushed it closed harder. 

“Not until we talk,” he repeated. 

I groaned, “I’m not actually suicidal, I knew it wasn’t real so I knew I could get out. Alright? Now let me go.” 

His expression changed for a moment and I used that moment of surprise to yank the door open, but I was met with equally strong force as he recovered in time to close it again. “Sit down, Lyss,” his voice softened. “Please.” 

I sighed, knowing I wasn’t getting out of here anytime soon unless he let me go so I slumped back into the chair in defeat. “I know I failed it.” 

“That’s not it,” Blake replied, taking a seat opposite me. “You said there were two fears? Talk to me about it.” 

“I can’t explain without explaining everything,” I pointed out. “It doesn’t make sense without context, and context is… tricky.” I hesitated, “How much can I trust you?” 

“You can trust me,” Blake reassured me. “Besides, I’ve already seen inside your head, right?” 

I laughed weakly, “Fair point. So I have four main fears. You’ve seen drowning and you saw small spaces yesterday… but I’d like to warn you I’m _all_ kinds of fucked up. Today’s sim wasn’t just about my fear of losing people, it was also about my fear of myself.” 

So I explained what I had previously referred to as my ‘tragic backstory’. I left nothing out right up until meeting Harper, which was the only high point while I was factionless. I explained about the nightmares and the guilt and the gun skills. When I finished, he sat there without moving, without speaking. 

“You need to be careful,” he finally said. “You’re Divergent, aren’t you?” 

I froze, attempting to play innocent. “What’s Divergent?” 

“Don’t deny it. I had suspicions after the first sim where you cracked the glass, and today you shot yourself because you knew it wasn’t real.” Blake stated. “I already deleted the first drowning sim footage just in case, but it’s obvious. You manipulated the simulation. Unless you want to wind up dead, you need to find a way to hide it during the sims.” 

“What?” 

“I have other simulations to do, you can go now. Will you be alright?” He asked, barely looking at me as he reset the computer. 

I shrugged, walking towards the door. “Seems like I have to be.” 

~

He knew I was Divergent. He _knew._ How did he know? How was it obvious? I wanted answers, so I found myself in Diyoza’s tattoo place. The moment she saw me, Diyoza brought me into the back room. “We here for part three of your tattoo?” 

“Sadly, no.” 

She caught on instantly, “How are the simulations going?” 

“They’re hell, but apparently I’m doing well.” I paused, “Too well. What am I, Diyoza? Why does it make me dangerous?”

“I gather you’ve already figured out that you’re aware in sims? That means you can manipulate them, or even shut one down. In other factions, it’s easier to hide divergence, but in Dauntless. Most people die.” 

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” I muttered. “Why would they kill me? What threat do I pose to them?” 

“Why _wouldn’t_ they? You don’t fit inside the box, Alyssa. Our society doesn’t like that. They got my cousin, so why _wouldn’t_ they get you? Shaw transferred the same as me, but his tests were inconclusive like yours. He was doing fine in the physical training, and went straight to the top in the second part when the simulations started, and he’d found an old motorbike and had been fixing it up. He was doing well. Then on the last day of sims they found his body in the chasm. “Suicide”.” 

I didn’t want to ask if there was a chance it could’ve actually been suicide. The rest of the information didn’t add up. “They killed him?” 

“He was too good at the second stage of training. The instructors got interested and on the last day of sims, one of the Dauntless leaders came in to watch it himself. The next day, he was gone.” 

“How many people know about this? Manipulating the simulations?” I asked, thinking of Blake. 

“Two kinds. People who want you dead, or people who have experienced it firsthand— i.e. _you_ — or secondhand, like me.” 

~

I came out of the sim in a cold sweat. I had been drowning in an endless sea and my lungs burned like there was still water left behind, like the first time. I didn’t throw up this time though. There was a short conversation with Blake afterwards, but it wasn’t anything that either of us hadn’t said before. 

When I returned to the dormitory, McCreary was in there which instantly put me on edge. I sat down on the edge of one of the beds next to Raven and whispered, “What’s going on?” 

“Stage two rankings,” she replied. 

“I thought no one gets cut after stage two?” 

Clarke perched on the bed next to us, “It’s like a progress report.” 

“Great,” Miller groaned, “We get to see how shit we’re doing.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Murphy shrugged, “I’m killing it.” Raven raised an eyebrow and rolled his eyes, laughing. “ _Sarcasm_ , Reyes.” 

McCreary revealed the board and my breath caught in my throat. Not only were the Dauntless-borns ranked with us this time, but _I was first anyway._

  1. Alyssa
  2. Ontari
  3. Echo
  4. Tristan
  5. Clarke
  6. Raven
  7. Dax
  8. Murphy
  9. Miller
  10. Myles
  11. Lindo
  12. Macallan
  13. Shay
  14. Riley



A formerly factionless transfer at the top of the leaderboard, even against Dauntless-borns? 

_I’m so screwed._

“Congrats,” Murphy mused, “What’s your secret?” 

“Fuck, I wish I knew,” I lied. _Divergent._

_I made myself a target._

“You transfers aren’t as shit as usual,” McCreary remarked. “Must be a good crop this year.”

Echo glared at me, clearly not taking kindly to coming below me, even if it was third overall and above most of the Dauntless-borns. And Dax had dropped down a few places from last time. When McCreary left, the room fell quiet. I could see Dax seething with anger, and Echo with quiet hatred. 

Once again, I repeated the phrase in my head to sum up my current situation. 

_I’m so screwed._

“How do you do it?” Echo asked after a few minutes, “Come on, share with the class,” she glared at me. “There must be something different about you because I am _not_ getting outranked by a _factionless._ How do you do it?” 

“Do what?” I asked, not wanting to get into it.

“Why is it so easy for you?” She shot up, grabbing me by the collar and pushing me against the wall. “Spill.” 

I met her expression with one of my own that was even harsher, “You think this is easy for me? You think I have it any better than the rest of you? You think I’m special? I’m not. None of this is easy for me! You’re right, I _was_ factionless. Not much scares me, but when it does? It’s not any easier for me to deal with than it is you, so leave me the fuck alone.” 

When I brought my knee up into her chest for an advantage to push her off of me, Clarke reached for my arm but I brushed her off, pausing just before I reached the door. “I’m going to go blow off some steam,” I announced to whoever was left in the dorm. “Follow me, and it won’t be some _thing_ I hit to relieve my anger, it’ll be some _one._ ”

I spent so long in the training room I missed dinner. At one point, there was a knock on the door but no one entered so I went to investigate and found a small plate of chocolate cake on the floor on the other side. They decided to leave me be, but still made sure I ate something which was nice. I brought the cake over and leant against the wall before digging in. 

The next time a noise came from by the door it swung open fully and I looked up to see who it was. Blake raised his eyebrows when he saw me, probably not expecting me to be here. Which is weird, considering I’m almost always here. He clocked the cake in my hands and his eyes settled on it for a moment before walking over and sitting down against the wall next to me. 

“So,” he said quietly. “Your ranking was good.” 

“My ranking is going to get me killed,” I replied flippantly. “Cake?” 

I handed him the fork so he could cut a small piece off. 

“Look, Lyss, I’m not going to beat around the bush, because that’s a waste of time, and I’m not gonna sugarcoat it either,” Blake sighed. “But it’ll be over soon. You _belong_ here at Dauntless. Stick it out until then like I know you can, and then you’ll be alright.” 

I pulled a face, “It’s not just the whole manipulating the sims thing, I’m the number one ranking. _Out of everyone._ People want me dead so they can move up.” 

“Well, if you stay alive there’s definitely one thing you have to look forward to,” he grinned. 

“What’s that?” 

“Have you forgotten our deal?” He asked incredulously, “I guess that means you haven’t picked me a tattoo yet.” 

I laughed, leaning against his shoulder. “I’m working on it. You’ll love it.” 

“Okay, now I’m worried.” 

~

I woke up in a cold sweat in what I could only guess was the early hours of the morning. With nothing else to do, I decided to get a drink of water. It wasn’t a long walk to the drinking fountain but the corridors were almost drenched in blackness apart from the glowing bulb above the fountain. 

It turns out I wasn’t alone. Quiet voices seemed to be having a hushed conversation at the end of the corridor and all thoughts of a drink forgotten, I edged closer to them to investigate. Despite the darkness of the corridor, I made a point of keeping my footsteps light to keep myself hidden as I stuck to the shadows. 

“So far there haven’t been any signs of it.” That was McCreary, I was sure. Signs of _what?_

“Well you wouldn’t have seen much of it yet,” a female voice replied, and I tried to figure out where I recognised it from. “Combat training proves nothing, the simulations are the only way to figure out who the Divergent rebels are, if there are any. We’ll have to examine the footage several times to be sure.” 

_Divergent._

_They’re looking for me._

I pressed my hand against my mouth to stop myself from letting out a gasp and flattened myself against the wall to hear the rest of the conversation. 

“Don’t forget the reason I had Cage appoint you,” the woman warned. “Finding them will _always_ be your first priority.” 

“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.” 

I edged out from behind the corner to try and see who the woman was, but before I had a chance, a hand clamped over my mouth from behind to stop me from screaming. I drove my elbow into the ribs of the nearest figure and heard a distinct cry of pain but it wasn’t one I seemed to be able to place from training. _Dauntless-born?_

“Shut up!” Someone else warned, and I recognised Echo’s voice immediately. 

It wasn’t long before I was blindfolded by a strip of cloth that was knotted at the back of my head. I could barely breathe with the hand covering my mouth and half my nose, and judging by the amount of hands in total I was dealing with three people. Who else wanted me dead? Dax? I heard the sound of water crashing against rocks and realised we were nearing the chasm. 

_They were going to kill me._

I threw my head back and felt something warm and sticky trickle down my neck as it made contact with someone’s nose, and they cried out and got a stern warning from a different female voice. _Ontari._ Soon I was being shoved against something cold and hard and judging by where we were, it was the railing next to the chasm. I felt my feet leave the ground as the trio lifted me up, balancing me along the railing. 

The sound of the water below made me start to panic, and this time I couldn’t reassure myself that it wasn’t real. I couldn’t change the simulation. I couldn’t find a way to overcome my fear. _This was real, and it was happening._

_No._

_I’m not dying tonight._

My wrist burned from the strong grip around it, but it only proved as a reminder of what was underneath the hands holding me in place. 

_I am Dauntless._

I steadied my breathing and let my training take over. I kicked out, feeling my foot hit something sturdy but whoever it was stumbled backwards and gave me enough room to manoeuvre my arm free. I threw a blind punch, and when it didn’t hit I tried again as I was dropped against the ground, leaning against the railing. Someone planted a kick into my stomach before I had a chance to remove the blindfold and it left me gasping for air. Something struck me in the side and the pain was masked by adrenaline, but I knew when it wasn’t then I’d be struggling to move. Instead of screaming, because I doubted anyone could hear, I addressed them individually. 

“Ontari, if you’re _that_ scared about me beating you, then you aren’t really Dauntless anyway, are you? If you weren’t such a coward we could settle this in the training room,” I spat, trying to push myself up from the ground as another kick landed and I doubled over, sliding so that my face was pressed against the cold floor. Still, I continued, hoping I could get them to break, or at least have a moment of weakness to allow me to get away. “Dax, it’s you, isn’t it? What’s the matter? Didn’t think you could beat me fairly? You’re not really Dauntless either then, are you? And Echo, if you spent less time hating me and more time focused, you could probably beat me all on your own. Oh well, guess you’ll never know.” 

A boot hit my face and I spat out blood, lifting my hand dazedly to peel off the blindfold. There were only two people there now, Echo and Ontari. Dax had to have made a run for it once he realised I’d identified them. The two girls lifted me up against the railing again and I could barely see them with the way my head was spinning. Ontari had me over the railing and it took everything I had to cling on and not fall. 

More footsteps rushed in and a blurred figure appeared at the edge of my vision, obscured by the spots and darkness creeping in but sound enough that I could watch the way it moved. Dark hair and calculated combat just like when he’d been training me. _Blake._ I tried to choke out his name but I couldn’t, as he disarmed Echo and sent her running back to the dorms. Ontari let me go and I fell, wrapping my arms around the railing as much as possible as I watched her try to fight him off. 

“Didn’t you hear?” I announced, laughing and choking on blood as it streamed from my nose. “He was first in his class.” 

She disappeared and one of my arms slipped, the grip I had on the railing slowly diminishing as I lost the strength to hold myself up. My fingers relaxed and I dropped towards the rapids, embracing the darkness that beckoned every inch of me. A hand wrapped around my wrist just like it had on the ferris wheel, and I was almost transported back to that night as Blake hauled me over the railing and wrapped me in his arms. 

I laughed weakly, legs shaking as I leant against him. “See? Just the right amount of faith.”


	11. Don't You Hang Me From The Gallows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reflection over near death experiences, bellamy blake iconic motivational speeches, and protective dauntless besties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Gallows by The Score

I vaguely remembered being carried into a room I didn’t recognise, but I didn’t have the strength to ask questions as Blake laid me down on his bed. The adrenaline had worn off and everything hurt. Basically if I could move it, it was probably causing me pain. The sound of running water filled my ears and I tensed up, but as my eyes followed the source of the sound I realised it came from a tap and not from the chasm. I was alive. I was safe. 

I could see Blake in the bathroom, his knuckles bloody as he washed them and dried his hands with the towel. When he turned around and locked eyes with me, I noticed a small cut on his eyebrow and another at the corner of his lip. Blood stained the corner of his shirt and he followed my eyes to look down at it. When he lifted up the edge of the material, the skin underneath was fine which only meant one thing: _the blood had come from me._ I reached down with an aching arm and lifted up my shirt, cursing as the blood stuck to it. “Huh,” I wondered out loud. “They had the _audacity_ to stab me less than two inches from my other stab wound.” 

“Other stab wound?” His eyebrows shot up in alarm but I shook my head, reassuring him. 

“Old,” I explained. “But this is just a flesh wound.” 

“I need to get you to the infirmary, I don’t know how I didn’t notice… I didn’t even see a knife—” Blake looked around, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. 

I smiled, “Don’t worry, just get me a lighter and a knife and I’ll fix it. Told you, ain’t my first time being stabbed.” 

He complied, grabbing a lighter from a table in the corner— I wasn’t sure why I knew he’d have one, I guess it was just a hunch— and a knife. Blake handed them over and watched as I used the knife to cut away the fabric near the wound and then heated it up with the lighter until it glowed before pressing it against the wound and wincing slightly. When I was done, I tossed the hot knife to one side and relaxed back against the pillow as Blake put an ice pack under my head. 

“You okay?” I asked, running a finger along the cut on the side of his face. 

“I’m fine,” he promised, but I moved my hand towards the other cut on his lip. “I swear, Lyss, I’m okay. How are _you_ holding up?” 

“I’ve had worse,” I brushed it off with a laugh. “Why were you there?” 

“I was on my way back from the control room and heard a scream, and on my way to investigate Dax shot past me with blood pouring from his face,” Blake shrugged. “Knew it couldn’t have been good. I scared off Echo, but she can definitely throw a punch.”

I sighed, “And Ontari?” 

“She ran too, but I don’t know if she knows you’re still alive.” 

I smirked, “Maybe if I’m lucky when I walk into breakfast tomorrow she’ll have a heart attack.” 

Blake let out a short laugh, “We can only hope.”

“Did you report this?” I asked curiously, and he shook his head in response. “Good.”

“I had a feeling you wouldn’t want me to.” 

“You’re absolutely right.” I pushed myself up onto my elbows, “I should be getting back to the dorm now.” He placed a light finger on my chest, just enough to push me back onto the bed in my exhausted state. Blake raised an eyebrow to prove his point and I sighed. “Fair enough.” 

“You need to regain your strength so when you walk into breakfast tomorrow they can see that you’re still alive, you’re still breathing, and you are _still_ going to beat them. They almost killed you but that should only make you more determined. You are Dauntless, you are going to be Dauntless. Show them that you are more Dauntless than they will ever be,” he whispered. 

I nodded, and he grabbed a spare pillow to put on the floor underneath him as he lay down next to me. I closed my eyes and the sound of rushing water filled my ears, forcing my eyes open again as my hands balled into fists in his sheets. I was scared, and I hated it. The room was quiet, but I felt a sudden urge to break the silence. “Do you think they knew I’m scared of drowning?” 

“I think they assumed everyone is scared of dying, whether they knew about your fear or not I don’t know,” Blake replied quietly. “My mom used to say that fear is a demon, the only way to get over it is to slay that demon. I know you’re afraid, but how you choose to handle that fear is up to you. You can either let it break you down, or you can use it to make you stronger. I say _screw fear_ , I’m telling my own damn story.” 

“Screw fear,” I laughed. “I like that. You’re full of motivational speeches, aren’t you?” 

~

When I woke up, there was a thin blanket over me that I didn’t remember being there when I fell asleep. It took a while to gather the strength to push myself into a seated position, and when I noticed a mirror on the opposite side of the room it took even more strength to get me across the room and standing in front of it. I had one hand resting on my side where the wound was, and the other braced against the wall to support me. My lip was scabbed over on one side where Ontari had split it with her boot and my nose throbbed but at least it wasn’t broken. I gingerly lifted up my shirt to reveal smatterings of bruises across my torso and a papery scab from where I’d cauterised it. 

Blake emerged from the bathroom, fully clothed and with a towel around his shoulders to catch the droplets of water shining in his dark hair. He tilted my head up to the light to inspect the bruising on my face, “Not bad. How are you feeling?”

“Like I got stabbed.” 

He laughed lightly, a smile tugging the corners of his lips. “You have such a way with words.” Blake’s eyes travelled down and stopped on the hole in my shirt I’d created when I tore the fabric away to get to the wound. “Wait there.” 

“You could disappear to another planet and be back in the time it takes me to cross the room,” I remarked as he vanished around the corner. “Take your time.” 

He reappeared a few minutes later with a shirt to cover the hole with. I slipped it on and buttoned it up a little before rolling the sleeves up to my elbows. “Better?” 

“Thanks,” I smiled. “Just my luck, the _one_ time I leave the dorm without my jacket I get fucking _stabbed._ All this could’ve been prevented if I had access to any of the knives.” 

“You carry knives?” Blake’s eyebrow shot up and I shrugged, wincing at the action. 

“Look me in the eye and tell me that it’s unnecessary after last night.” 

“That’s not the point, how many knives and where do you get them?”

I laughed, wincing again. “The less you know, the better.”

After a while, we made our way to the dining hall and Blake went in first, checking I was okay before he did so. Once I gave him the all-clear, he disappeared inside. I leant against the wall for a moment before following, taking a breath and letting my head rest on the cold surface to dull the headache I’d had since I first woke up. I took a few moments before gathering myself and pushing open the doors. 

Raven waved me over to the table she was at with Murphy, Clarke, and Miller, but her face fell the moment she noticed the bruises and the way I was walking. Each step tugged at the stab-wound and I bit back a yelp of pain as someone accidentally bumped into me. By the time I was able to slide into the seat next to Murphy I felt like I’d walked a marathon and I accepted gratefully the plate of toast Clarke passed in my direction. 

“Where were you?” Murphy asked, “You disappeared sometime last night but that’s not unusual for you. It was only worrying when you weren’t there this morning.” 

I put a hand on his shoulder, using the remaining force I had to keep him in his seat while I explained. “Don’t freak out— I said _don’t_ — but last night Echo, Dax and Ontari tried to kidnap me and throw me into the chasm. I said _don’t_ , Murphy.” His hands curled into fists and he glared at Echo across the dining hall. 

“They did _what_?” Clarke growled, knuckles going white as she gripped her fork tightly in her right hand. 

“They have to pay for this,” Miller decided. 

“What do we do? Beat them up?” Raven suggested, “Or maybe visit Jason and find some of those neuro-stim darts?” 

I smirked, “For once I think we should play the long game. Level up, and keep them the _fuck_ out of Dauntless.” 

“Long game, I can live with that,” Clarke agreed. “But we’re keeping the darts as Plan B, right?” 

“Definitely,” I nodded. “Oh, by the way I also got lightly stabbed.”

“You got _stabbed_?” I couldn’t tell who said that as they all started talking at once, so I just tried to calm them down. 

“Lightly. Flesh wound, barely a graze.” 

Blake stood up and approached the two tables with transfers on. “My lot, we’ll be doing something different today so you have… ten minutes? Ten minutes, to go and get _jackets_ —” his eyes landed on me— “and anything else you want to bring with you.” 

My friends came back with me to the dorm quickly to grab my jacket, ignoring the stare I received from Dax on the way who apparently seemed to think I was dead. I made a point of waving at him, despite how much the arm movement pulled, just to prove I was very much alive. 

Once we arrived back at the dining hall— and I was wearing my jacket, fully stocked with a grand total of eight knives— Blake led us out and along the paths surrounding The Pit. He walked backwards along a narrow path with no railings and I wondered how comfortable he must be to be able to do that. We were climbing pretty high and reached a staircase up through a hole in the ceiling, the sun shining through the glass. The group of transfers walked across the glass ceiling, which was now the floor— hard to get my head around, since I was so used to looking up at it— and followed Blake through a room with glass walls. After that, we were led into a larger room with dark walls and sharp fluorescent lighting. 

“This is a different kind of simulation,” Blake announced. “We call it the fear landscape. During your fear simulations we’ve gathered data on your worst fears. The fear landscape is all about facing them as virtual obstacles. You will know that this is a simulation, so you’ll have your wits about you. This third stage of initiation focuses on the physical skills you learnt in the first stage, with the emotional control you mastered in the second. The goal is to make it through as quickly as possible, and your timing for this will prove your ranking for stage three and whether or not you make it into Dauntless. The simulation is different for everyone and it varies according to how many fears you have. You can get past the simulation using one of two strategies, either you face your fear, or you calm yourself down enough that the simulation moves on. For example, to face a fear of drowning, you could swim deeper.” His eyes flickered to mine before he glanced back at the group. “Any questions?” 

“What if one person has barely any fears and someone else has a dozen? How is that fair?” Echo complained. 

Blake laughed, “You really want to talk about what’s fair? _You_? I completely understand why you’re scared, I mean, the events of last night certainly proved that you’re a coward.” He walked towards her, folding his arms. “So we all know, Echo, that you’re afraid of getting beaten by a short ex-factionless girl who clearly has more Dauntless in her little finger than you ever will in your entire body.” Blake smirked, returning his attention to the rest of the group as Murphy hid his laughter and Raven nodded in approval. “Now, shall we continue?”


	12. I'm A Savage, I'm A Fighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy's fear landscape...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from The Champion by The Score

It was almost exactly twenty-four hours after my escape from death, and I found myself leaning against the railing over the chasm. Murphy and Miller were on one side of me, Raven and Clarke on the other. They’d refused to leave my side all day. Every now and then water would spray up and almost reach us, and I held out a hand to feel it on my fingers. Back at the scene of the crime. Well, is it still a crime if they didn’t succeed? Or is the attempt of it enough to make it a crime? My hand was covered in a gleam of fine mist and I closed my eyes, training myself not to flinch at the sound of the water. 

I opened my eyes at the sound of footsteps on the stairs in the distance— _Blake_ — my gaze followed the sound until it rested on him as he walked up towards the hole in the ceiling, towards the fear landscape room. I wasn’t sure how I recognised it was him, but I guessed I was used to hearing his light footsteps after arriving first to so many of our after-hours training sessions. “You guys go back to the dormitory, I need to talk to Blake about something,” I decided, pushing off from the railing and beginning to walk over. 

Miller caught my arm lightly, “You sure? Are you ready to be alone after what happened last night?” 

“I’ll be with Blake,” I reassured them. “It’s fine, I trust him.” 

“You do?” Murphy raised an eyebrow suggestively. 

“Don’t make this weird,” I laughed. “I’ll see you guys later.” 

I followed Blake up the stairs, each step tugging slightly on my injury but my curiosity overwhelmed it. When I finally got to the top I hesitated, looking out across the city and the dwindling lights. Blake had a syringe in one hand, and a black box in the other. “Since you’re here, you might as well go in with me.” 

“How did you know it was me?” 

“Probably the same way you knew it was me,” he replied casually, not once bothering to look back at me. “Are you coming or what?” 

I frowned, “Into your fear landscape? That’s possible?” 

“It’s possible,” Blake confirmed. 

“Do you _want_ me to come in?” I asked, wondering why on earth he’d want me to see his fears. 

“Why else do you think I’m going in? I want to show you something.” 

I nodded, unsure of what to say as I walked over to him and pulled my hair around the other side of my neck so he could insert the needle. After he had injected the serum into me, Blake handed me the black box and I realised it had another syringe inside. He silently indicated where to put it in and although my hand was shaking a little at the prospect of it, he didn’t even flinch.

“Okay, but like are you _sure_?” I asked, wanting confirmation. 

He laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Even if I wanted to change my mind— which I don’t— it’s a little late to back out now.” 

When I opened my eyes again, we were standing on the top of a tall building. I peered over the edge, “Hell of a long way down. Sorry, that’s probably not helping. At least it’s not a ferris wheel of doom, right?” 

Blake rolled his eyes, steadying his breathing. “I might regret bringing you here if you keep making comments like that.” 

“I’m like a Candor but without the honesty,” I shrugged, reaching into my jacket to produce a knife. “Wicked.” 

He sighed, “Please tell me you didn’t do your little ‘it’s a simulation’ magic trick and make that appear?” 

“No, I had it when we came in,” I replied. 

“Wait, is that from the _training_ room? Lyss, exactly how many knives have you stolen?” 

“Several,” I replied, turning back to him and changing the conversation. “We have to jump, right?” 

“Right.” 

“Count of three?” 

A gust of wind almost pushed me backwards and I backed into Blake’s chest. I looked up at him and watched as he forced himself to breathe, forced himself to confront his fear. “One,” he whispered, slipping his hand into mine and squeezing it tightly. 

“Two…” I broke into a run and pulled him after me, my feet leaving the security of the roof as I shouted “ _Three!_ ” and we started to fall. The ground grew closer but before we had a chance to hit it the scene changed and I landed on my hands and knees in a different room. “Next?” Before he could reply, the walls started closing in and he let out a noise of discontent as the ceiling lowered towards us. “Well shit,” I muttered, “Considering we share the same fear, you didn’t think to give me a warning?” The room was barely big enough for him, let alone the both of us. “We have to calm down, right? Like in my fear sim. Okay…” I guided his arms around my body to give us both more space as I focused on how our faces were inches apart instead of the fact that the _walls were closing in_. “Fuck this is much harder with two people.”

“Do you always talk this much?” Blake laughed, but it sounded pained. 

“Only when I’m nervous,” I replied, “Which is actually a pretty large amount of the time. Right, we have to calm down. We have to calm down.” I squeezed my eyes shut and rested my head against his shirt. “Try and forget we’re here.” 

“Easier said than done,” he pointed out, his breaths catching. 

“Find something to focus on, like…” I thought for a second to find something. “My heartbeat.” I guided his hand over my heart before moving my own over his. “If we steady them and sync them up we’ll be fine.” Under my hand, his heart raced. 

Blake took a breath, “Shit, yours might be faster than mine.” 

“Yeah, it ain’t just because of the box,” I replied on reflex, before internally cursing at myself for admitting that being this close to him made my heart race. 

“Then what is it?” He laughed shakily. “If it isn’t just the box, what is it?” 

“You,” I choked out. “I’m crammed up in a box against someone I barely know.” But that wasn’t entirely true. Sure, I didn’t really know him that well. But I trusted him, I cared about him.

Blake laughed again before changing the subject, “If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?” 

“Yes,” I replied without a second thought. “But not because I’m scared of you, because I’m not.” 

“I didn’t think you were,” he replied with a grin, and the box fell away from around us, leaving us in another room. 

I stood up, refusing to meet his eyes as I took in the fact that we were in a large room this time, which made me a lot more comfortable. “Any more fears we share that I should get a heads up about?” 

“It’s not like yours,” he replied, looking over my shoulder. I spun around to see what he was watching, and a woman stood there with a gun. Blake picked up a gun from the table next to us and loaded it. “Not exactly.” 

I realised what he meant. He was afraid of the murder, but I was more afraid of the fact that I could do it, the fact that I _did_ do it. Blake didn’t panic, not like in the box, but his face was painted in dread as he held the gun out in front of him and squeezed the trigger, his eyes flicking away as he did so and then back again once the woman’s body had crumpled to the floor. He dropped the gun and I reached for his arm, tugging him towards me. “It’s not real,” I whispered, knowing from my own fear sim the difference between the simulation and real life. For Blake, it wasn’t really happening, even though it felt real. For me, I was a murderer in both the simulation and real life. My chest went tight and I slipped my grip on his arm down until my hand was in his. “Next?” 

Blake nodded, swallowing thickly as he agreed. “Next.” 

We left through the only door in the room and it led us straight into another room not unlike the Abnegation living rooms. I recognised it from Harper sneaking me into her house occasionally for less-than-legal sleepovers. I blinked, and in the time it took me to do so three figures appeared in the room, and the atmosphere changed instantly. A woman and a small girl cowered in the corner, and a man towered over them, holding out a belt. 

Within seconds, Blake was standing in front of the man, but that’s where he froze. I glanced at the women he was protecting, both having similar features to him and I realised they had to be his family. “Hello Bellamy,” the man whispered before lifting the belt and Blake flinched, throwing up his arms to protect his face. Before I knew it I was standing in front of him, taking the hit as the belt wrapped around my arm and making it feel as if it was on fire. I yanked on the belt and the man stumbled forwards, giving me time to unwrap it from my arm and hold it by the buckle, swinging it at my attacker. He lunged at me, but Blake pushed me behind him with an expression that was considerably more angry than afraid. As he did so, the figure vanished and the lights came on in the fear landscape room as the simulation ended. 

I let out a breath, unconsciously rubbing my wrist where the belt had made contact even though it was only in the simulation and there wasn’t even a mark. “We’re not dead,” I whispered in reflex, turning around to face him. Blake— _Bellamy_ — reached out and pulled me towards him, wrapping his arms around me and burying his face in my neck. “We got through it.” 

“You got me through it,” he replied firmly. 

“Seriously, way to bury the lead on the claustrophobia,” I rolled my eyes, unable to keep the small grin off my face.

“Sorry about that,” _Bellamy_ laughed. 

“So is Blake your surname?” I asked, ever curious. 

He nodded, “Bellamy Blake.” 

“Suits you,” I replied, unsure of what else to say. 

“A lot of the Dauntless call each other by their surnames, at some point when people assumed it was my first I stopped correcting them,” he shrugged. “Come on, I want to show you something.”


	13. The Scars, We Wear Them Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Overcome by Sam Tinnesz and Que Parks

He led me down a narrow pathway alongside the chasm that I hadn’t noticed before now. Water spills over the rocks slightly and I had to tread carefully in an attempt not to slip. Even if I did slip, I had a strong feeling that Bellamy would catch me. Third time’s the charm, right? The ferris wheel, the chasm when I got kidnapped, and right now. The fact that I would be fine was the only thing that stopped my heart from racing and my hands from shaking. Well, they were doing that a little anyway but that wasn’t from fear. 

Bellamy found a flat rock to perch on, and let his legs dangle over the side. After steadying myself, I sat down next to him. “So you transferred from Abnegation,” I said quietly after a while. 

He nodded, “I never knew my dad. Octavia— my sister— her dad was the one from the simulation. We only managed to escape that life after my mom died and he left, so they put us in an Abnegation orphanage. She’s still there, and she’s happy now. I only ever get to see her on Visiting Day, but we couldn’t meet last time. She’s almost sixteen, next year she’ll be choosing.” 

“Maybe she’ll be Dauntless.” I wondered out loud. 

“This... this isn’t the kind of Dauntless I want her to see. The one where initiates beat each other bloody and try to kill each other in the middle of the night, and leaders force trainers to throw knives at kids and… this isn’t _Dauntless._ ” 

“Then we can change it,” I decided. “Make a better Dauntless. I have a feeling it’ll take a fucking long time if the leaders haven’t discovered the fact that I’m Divergent and tried to off me by then, but it’s not impossible. Step one: get rid of Cage Wallace. I’ve never met him but he seems like a creepy little shit. Step two: McCreary. Step three: we’ll figure that out once Wallace and McCreary are gone. Deal?” 

Bellamy laughed, “Sounds like a plan. But I have a feeling that would involve both of us going into leadership.” 

I paused, considering that. “Well if I went into leadership, there’s a large chance they’d kill me. But I’m open to giving it a try.” 

He laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’ve been offered leadership three times and I’ve turned them down each time.”

“Why? You’d make a great leader,” I pointed out, even though Bellamy probably already knew. He _had_ to know. 

“I’ve always felt like I don’t belong among the Dauntless, not the way they are now, anyway,” Bellamy shrugged.

“But you’re… incredible.” I cleared my throat and hoped he didn’t notice the obvious pause. “I mean, by Dauntless standards. You only have four fears! I said it before, you’re the epitome of Dauntless— the good kind— so how could you not belong here?” 

“I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren’t all that different. Abnegation trains you to forget yourself, so when you’re in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong in Abnegation just as easily,” he pointed out. 

I considered it for a second, “True, but Abnegation doesn’t have knives. And knives are pretty awesome.” I pulled one out of my jacket to prove my point. 

Bellamy laughed, “You can’t just steal knives from the training room.” 

“If it makes you feel better I’ll toss it into the chasm?” I suggested. 

“It wouldn’t make a difference, I know you have more than one,” he raised an eyebrow knowingly. 

“No,” I lied. 

“Maybe you’re cut out for Candor because you’re a terrible liar, Alyssa,” he smirked. 

“Well I’m certainly not cut out for Abnegation. I’m not selfless. My friend Harper, she was Abnegation. She helped people without a second thought, helped _me_ without a second thought. I’m not like that,” I sighed. “Aptitude test or not, I’m no Abnegation.” 

“Your test gave you Abnegation?” He asked curiously. 

I shrugged, “And Dauntless, and Erudite.”

“Anyway,” he looked at me. “You? Not selfless? The same girl who let me throw knives at her to spare John Murphy, who took a belt lashing to protect me— that selfless girl, that’s not you?” 

“That’s just a combination of lack of self-preservation and poor impulse control,” I protested. “And a deep-rooted fear of losing people, that too.” 

Bellamy smirked, “It’s not just that, you are genuinely selfless.” 

“And you’ve been paying close enough attention to see this?” I raised an eyebrow suggestively. 

He shrugged, “I like to observe people.” 

“Yeah?” I mused, “Maybe _you’re_ cut out for Candor, Blake, because you’re a terrible liar.” 

“Fine,” Bellamy leant closer to me, “I watched you because I like you. And you can call me ‘Bellamy’, if you want. It’s nice to hear my name again.” 

“Okay, _Bellamy_ ,” I whispered. “Why on earth would you like me? I’m a mess. I’m a self-deprecating, knife-throwing, self-preservation and impulse control-lacking, enemy-making, hot-headed mess who used to be factionless.” 

“That’s…” he paused for a second. “A lot of adjectives.” 

“I’m a _complicated_ mess,” I replied with a shrug. 

Bellamy ducked his head for a second, “Well, you’re also smart, brave, the good kind of reckless, funny, and even though you found out about what happened in Abnegation…” he sighed, “You aren’t giving me that pitiful look like you feel sorry for me, like I'm broken.” 

“Well, you’re not,” I replied firmly. 

He looked at me for a second, before leaning in and whispering, “I really want to kiss you.” 

The only coherent thought I could manage to let out was, “Oh.” 

“Oh?” Bellamy repeated after me, slightly confused. 

“Oh.” I nodded, closing the distance and pressing my lips to his. 

~

I had been awake almost all night, and I crept back into the dormitory at about half four so that I’d be there when the others woke up. I’d been with Bellamy until about ten minutes before and I felt myself still filled with a lightness that I hadn’t felt in a long time. The door shut quietly behind me as I entered the dorm. Everyone was still asleep and I tiptoed across to my bed and unlaced my boots. 

Murphy quietly cleared his throat from where he was lying on the bed across from mine and I startled, surprised that he was awake. He sat up and folded his arms in the way I assumed an overbearing parent might, after finding out that their kid had been sneaking out. I was more than a little surprised to see the action on him and raised an eyebrow. 

“Where the fuck were you?” he hissed.

“I told you, I was with—” I stopped myself just before saying Bellamy— “Blake.” 

“For _six hours_?” 

“Mhm?” I tried, trying to find an explanation. Then I realised I didn’t need one, I could just tell _some_ of the truth. “Wait, were you waiting up?” 

“Last time you disappeared in the middle of the night you almost got _murdered_. Yeah, I was waiting up,” Murphy snapped. 

I sat down next to him, “I’m fine, I swear. We were talking through the fear landscape because I was nervous about going in. Then I convinced him to lightly spar with me to get up my strength after what happened the other night. I’m fine, I promise.” 

His face softened, “Just don’t die. You’re not allowed to do that. Finding out you almost did was scary as hell and the three involved are lucky they’re still breathing.” 

“Don’t worry, I’m armed now,” I replied. “24/7.” I pulled out a knife to prove my point for the second time tonight/this morning. “I won’t be the one getting stabbed.”


	14. We've Seen Heaven, We've Seen Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tensions are running high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise! this chapter title is also from Overcome by Sam Tinnesz and Que Parks

Fear landscape day. At least, sort of. Instead of going through our own, we’d be doing the instructor's landscapes. I guessed we wouldn’t be seeing Bellamy’s, so it was most likely to be the one belonging to the Dauntless-borns’ primary instructor. Surprisingly, I was right. Her name was Kara Cooper, and I vaguely remembered her from Choosing Day. 

“Two years ago, I was afraid of spiders, suffocation, walls that inch slowly inward and trap you between them, getting thrown out of Dauntless, uncontrollable bleeding, getting run over by a train, my father’s death, public humiliation, and kidnapping by men without faces.” She ignored the silence that followed her introduction. “Most of you will have anywhere from ten to fifteen fears in your fear landscapes. That is the average number.” 

“What’s the lowest number someone has gotten?” One of the Dauntless-borns asked curiously. 

Kara shrugged, “In recent years, four.” 

My eyes flicked towards Bellamy. He had less than half the average amount of fears, more than a little impressive. Except now he was making a point of not looking at me. 

“You won’t find out your number today,” Kara announced. “The sim is set to my fear landscape program, so you’ll experience my fears instead of your own. However for the point of this exercise, each of you will only face _one_ of my fears, to get a sense for how the simulation works.” 

I watched as she assigned everyone a fear of hers to face and gave me the kidnapping one. I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t worried about going in. After all, I’d been in Bellamy’s landscape, and the fear wasn’t one of my own, so logically I shouldn’t have a problem. I waited a while for my turn, and before I knew it it was time for Kara to inject me with the serum so the simulation could start. 

The scenery changed and the kidnapping started. A hand clamped over my mouth to stop me from screaming and a blindfold was tied over my eyes to disorientate me. Judging by the number of hands there were three people, and I wasn’t strong enough to fight all of them off. The rational part of my brain (it’s not active often, but when it is then it makes good points) told me that this was a simulation, that I needed to calm down. The part of my brain that the simulation works with, the part that processes fear, took a different route and reminded me that this was exactly what it was like the first time I got kidnapped. 

Which, of course, sent my body into panic mode. 

I thrashed and kicked, desperate to get myself free as all thoughts were overpowered by the sound of rushing water at the bottom of the chasm. Maybe at some point I’ll stop being scared of that sound, maybe I won’t. But I did know that at some point I stopped struggling, paralysed with fear as I tried to breathe and my body refused to let me, slowly choking before I even reached the water. 

_“Stop.”_

I heard a voice and the simulation stopped. I realised what had happened. Tears stained my face as I dropped onto the floor, trying and failing to suck in a breath as I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the flow of more tears. _Everyone had seen it._ And they hadn’t even seen the simulation, only my reaction. I guessed I could mark that down on the list of tests I’ve failed. 

“What the hell was that?” Bellamy marched in, hauling me to my feet before I could respond. 

I tried to form a sentence but I didn’t even know what to say. All I knew is that I was angry at myself, and I wanted to hit something. _Hard._ And that something was standing right in front of me. No sooner had the words, “Get yourself together!” left his mouth, I snapped and my hand cracked across his face before I’d even processed what I was doing. 

“Screw you,” I spat, wrenching my arm from his grasp and slamming the door behind me on my way out. “Anyone follows me and I will _gut_ you,” I muttered as I left, not even loud enough for anyone to actually hear. 

~

For some reason, I felt like I was defying Bellamy by going to the roof and sitting on the edge, my feet dangling over the ledge seven stories up. The other roof, not the one that housed the glass building with the fear landscapes in. The one I jumped off on my first day. There is one way onto that roof: the train, and one way off: the initiation jump. 

I sighed, putting my head in my hands, angrier at myself than ever. _It wasn’t even my fear. I’m an idiot. Everyone saw. I fucked up._ With a groan, I picked up one of the pieces of gravel from the roof and tossed it as far as it would go, throwing myself backwards and hiding behind the lip on the edge of the roof when it landed on one of the solar panels on a passing Erudite car. I stayed with my back against the lip of the roof, out of sight, until I heard the train approaching. I looked up at the sound of it in time to see Bellamy jump from it, roll, and continue walking all in one fluid, graceful movement. I tipped my head back and groaned. If it was anyone but him, they would’ve left me be. Unfortunately, it was Bellamy. 

“You came up here just to spite me, didn’t you?” He raised an eyebrow as he walked over. 

“In my defence, I didn’t think you’d actually _come._ I thought the ‘sulking on the roof’ was a pretty damn big deterrent,” I sighed, reluctantly patting the ground next to me for him to come over. “I guess I underestimated your perseverance.” 

Bellamy sat down next to me, “Are you okay?” 

“Define ‘okay’. If it doesn’t involve getting humiliated in front of the rest of the initiates then yeah, I’m bloody brilliant,” I rolled my eyes. “It wasn’t even my fear! God knows it _could_ be now. Look, _Blake_ , you can either play the asshole trainer, or the concerned boyfriend. You don’t get both.” 

The moment the words were out of my mouth I regretted them. _Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend._ Why the fuck did I have to say that? Out _loud_ , no less? 

“I was trying to protect you. If they knew that we’re… what we are… then people like Ontari will accuse me of favouritism and they will always think that you got where you are because of that rather than your skill. You deserve better than to be treated like that when I know you’ve _earned_ that rank.” Bellamy replied, conveniently leaving the ‘boyfriend’ part unacknowledged. 

I tapped my head lightly against the wall behind me. Bellamy was annoyingly right, and I knew that, so I was no longer angry at him. But that didn’t make me any less mad at myself for what happened. “I shouldn’t have slapped you,” I sighed. “Sorry.” 

“The other night, you said I’d be in your fear landscape, but not because you’re scared of me,” he left the question itself unasked. 

“You see,” I groaned, “I have these annoying things called feelings, and I have become annoyingly attached to you and your annoyingly cute hair and it’s all very annoying because I would rather not lose you. So yes, you’d probably be in my fear landscape, and I’d probably be forced to watch you die.” 

Bellamy paused for a second, taking that in before smirking and turning to face me, “You think my hair is cute?” 

I swatted him in the arm, “Ass.” 

“Ah, you think my _ass_ is cute,” he grinned, leaning in further. 

“God, you’re insufferable,” I muttered against his lips, giving up on all pretences of remaining annoyed as I kissed him. When I pulled away slightly, it was only to ask, “How do you always know exactly what to do?” 

“Because I’ve been thinking about this for a long time,” Bellamy whispered, “How I would handle it, if you and I…” He pulled back and smiled, “Did I hear you call me your boyfriend?” 

“I’d deny it, unless of course you’d _want_ me to,” I raised an eyebrow. 

“I’d—” he nodded, resting his forehead against mine— “I’d definitely want that.” 

I grinned, closing my eyes to remain in the moment a little longer. “Likewise.” 

Unfortunately, we _couldn’t_ stay in the moment any longer because Bellamy pulled away, his face grave. “There’s something I need to tell you.” 

“What?” 

“It can’t be now. Meet me by the tracks at eleven-thirty. Don’t tell anyone where you’re going, and make sure no one follows you,” he warned. 

“Gotcha,” I whispered, backing away towards the edge of the roof, over where the hole was with the net underneath. “Constance vigilance,” I grinned, giving him a two-fingered mock salute before turning around and jumping off.


	15. I'm Not Ready To Die, Not Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hehe cliffhanger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Trainwreck by James Arthur

“Where the hell have you been?” Raven grabbed me as soon as I entered the dorm, half-dragging me towards her bed in the empty room, and I guessed everyone else was at dinner. “I couldn’t find you, did you get in trouble for hitting Blake?” 

I shook my head, trying to come up with a convincing lie. At least she wasn't an ex-Candor like Miller, that might’ve made the task a little harder. Whenever I tried to lie to Miller in the past he just stood there and listed out all my various tells before waiting for me to tell him the truth, or accepting the fact that I wouldn’t. Easy enough. 

“I just needed to clear my head, but I’m back now. And I’m not in trouble, I sorted it,” I reassured her. “What’s up?” 

“ _Murphy kissed me_ ,” she blurted out. 

My eyes widened as I leant in closer, “Tell me _everything._ ” 

“Well, he kissed me quickly and then we just continued walking like nothing happened. Then I sort of just stopped us, grabbed him and spun him to face me and kissed _him_ ,” Raven revealed.

If my eyebrows had the ability to go any higher, I’d be peeling them off the moon at this rate. “He _what?_ You _what?_ ” I tried to comprehend it, leaning back against her pillows. “Holy shit. Did you know he liked you? Like _that_?” 

Follow up question that I didn’t voice: _How the hell did I not notice?_

“No, not until he kissed me,” Raven laughed.

I grinned, “I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thanks,” she sighed contentedly, flopping onto the bed next to me. “Can’t believe initiation is almost over.” 

“Me neither,” I whistled, unconsciously tapping my chest where my unfinished tattoo was. 

~

That night, I sneaked out to meet Bellamy by the train tracks. He didn’t say anything at first, just slipping his hand into mine and pulling me onto the train with him with ease it would take me a while to master. He put an arm around my waist to keep me steady with the bumping of the train and smiled slightly. 

“So,” I tried my best to be heard over the sound of the train, “What is it you wanted to tell me?” 

“Not yet,” he replied, tugging me down to the floor to sit with him, pressing a soft kiss to the edge of my jaw. I leant into his touch and sighed, of all the things I thought I’d be doing at Dauntless, this wasn’t what I expected but it _definitely_ wasn’t unwelcome. My grin got wider as I swung a leg over him to sit in his lap and slipped an arm around his shoulders as I kissed him. 

I felt Bellamy smirk against my lips and he ran a hand down my back that sent shivers down my spine. “You have no idea how much I _hate_ to say this,” he murmured, “But we have to get up now.” 

I threw my head back and sighed, and just about heard his laughter over the roaring of the wind as the train hurtled through the city. Bellamy led me towards the open door of the train and pointed to the lights in the distance. Since it was past midnight, logically all the lights should have been off, but Erudite didn’t seem to care. “Apparently the city ordinances don’t mean anything to them, because their lights will be on all night.” 

“Has no one noticed?” I frowned, wondering why they needed the lights on this late in the evening. 

“If anyone has, they haven’t said anything,” he replied, before announcing the same conclusion I’d come to. “But it made me wonder what the Erudite are doing that requires a night light.” Bellamy rested one shoulder against the wall of the train and folded his arms, “Two things you should know about me. The first is that I am deeply suspicious of people in general. It’s in my nature to expect the worst of them. And the second is that I am unexpectedly good with computers. A few weeks ago, before training started, I was at work and I found a way into the Dauntless secure files. Apparently we are not as skilled as the Erudite are at security. And what I discovered was what looked like war plans. Thinly veiled commands, supply lists, maps. Things like that. And those files were sent by Erudite.” 

“War?” I pulled a face, “Are they that desperate for power they’ll resort to war? Seems a bit of an overreaction if you ask me, but each to their own, I guess.” 

Bellamy raised an eyebrow, “ _That’s_ your first response?” 

“Well I mean I’m not surprised, just a little annoyed. It’s war on Abnegation isn’t it?”

He nodded, “The faction that controls the government. Yes. They’ve been making reports meant to stir up dissension against Abnegation, evidently Erudite now want to speed up the process. I have no idea what to do about it… or what could be done.” 

The question _“why would Erudite want to team up with Dauntless?”_ rang in my mind until I figured it out. Erudite don’t know how to fight, but that’s what the Dauntless have been training to do. “They’re going to use us to fight.” 

“I wonder how they plan to get us to fight,” he said. 

I glared at the Erudite compound as it disappeared into the distance as the train continued, “I don’t know, but I’d rather not find out.” 

“Me neither,” Bellamy replied quietly.

~

Initiation day was so far the loudest celebration I’d seen at Dauntless. When it was time for all of us to go to the glass building for the final testing, we walked in silence. I smiled in what I hoped was an encouraging way at my friends, but we were all too nervous for it to do anything. I passed Bellamy where he stood just inside a room on the left that I hadn’t noticed, and gave him a half-smile as I passed. 

The room we were supposed to wait in contained a large screen which was split, with the video feed of the person in the fear landscape on the left, and their heart rate on the right. A row of chairs were directly in front of it, seating Cage, Roan, McCreary, and two other Dauntless leaders that I didn’t know. They had wires connected to their heads which meant they were watching the simulation. 

Behind them was another row of chairs and I slipped into one on the end, bouncing my leg with nervous energy. On one hand, I was reassured that I knew what I was doing, that these were my own fears and I could handle them. On the other hand, the experience of losing myself in Kara’s fears the other day set me on edge while I waited. 

I turned to Miller who was sitting next to me, and he shrugged, “Scale of one to ten, how bad could this be?” 

“Six,” I replied. “We’re not dead yet, right?” 

He laughed, “You have no reason to be worried, you’re already ranked first.” 

“Who knows? I could completely tank this and end up factionless again,” I reminded him. “But Blake said we go into it with the knowledge that this is a simulation, not like in stage two, so it should be easier.” 

“Fair enough,” Miller nodded. “Clarke, what about you? Scared?” 

She pulled a face, “A little. You?” 

“Terrified,” he high-fived her and I laughed. This could be the last moment we spend together as a group if not all of us get into Dauntless. I needed to savour it. 

“Whatever happens,” I announced, “We are Dauntless. All of us. Whether it’s official or not.” 

Raven laughed, “Wise words from someone with a guaranteed spot, ‘Miss Number 1’.” 

I rolled my eyes, “I’m serious. Besides, if one of us doesn’t get in then celebrating won’t feel right.” 

“And if you keep your top spot then Blake over there is forced to get a tattoo of your choice,” Murphy raised his eyebrows suggestively. 

Bellamy, who had moved closer to us to give an announcement, tried to hide the grin on his face as he leant against the wall. “And to think, I’d been successfully forgetting that outcome until you mentioned it, Murphy.” 

“Regrets?” I joked.

His eyes locked onto mine as he smirked, “Never.” Then, it was time for the announcement. “Right, transfers, the order in which you go through the final test will be: Dax, Clarke, Miller, Murphy, Echo, Raven, Alyssa. Good luck.” 

Since I couldn’t see what obstacles they were facing, only how they were reacting to them, I didn’t watch the other initiates. I only knew how much time it had taken them, and even then trying to remember them made all the times blur together. The only thing that caught my attention was the sound of my name being called. “Alyssa.” 

I walked into the room where McCreary was waiting, and tried not to flinch as he stuck the needle into my neck and pressed the plunger down. “Ready?” He asked.


	16. But Now You Can’t Tell The False From The Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four fears.
> 
> Alyssa has to face her worst nightmares if she wants to become a fully-fledged member of Dauntless.
> 
> And it isn't going to be pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Gold by Imagine Dragons

I took a deep breath, bouncing on the balls of my feet as I waited for the serum to kick in. _I got this. I got this. I am Dauntless,_ I reminded myself. _I am Dauntless._ _I am brave._

The salty smell of the sea filled my senses as I opened my eyes and I realised I was standing on a boat in the middle of the ocean. A boat that was slowly sinking. _Drowning._ Yeah, that was always going to be first. The water was up to my knees quicker than I anticipated, but that didn’t affect the way I steadied my breathing before diving into the water and swimming as deep as I could, with Bellamy’s words ringing in my ears.

 _“For example to face a fear of drowning, you could swim deeper.”_

So I did. 

I swam until I could touch the bottom of the seabed, ignoring the way my lungs burned and cried out for more oxygen as I burned through my supply. I closed my eyes and let out a breath, half-expecting it not to work and for me to start drowning, but somehow I had managed to face the fear and when I opened my eyes again I was in a dark box, and the walls were shifting towards me to accommodate the space I was taking up and nothing more. 

It was a good thing I’d already experienced this with Bellamy, or I might have actually been worried. I curled into a ball and let the box shrink with me, until it was pressing against me on all sides and it was getting worse before it got better. _Calm down. Focus on something else._ I couldn’t seem to focus on anything outside of the box, so I forced myself to remember being in this box last time. Bellamy’s body curled around mine as I tried to calm us both down. His heartbeat. My heartbeat. 

I let out a relieved breath as the walls dissolved to leave me in a large room. I spun around, trying to work out which fear it could be when I saw myself. At first, it looked like I was looking in a mirror, but that wasn’t true. It was a duplicate of myself. There weren’t any weapons which meant only one thing: I had to fight myself to get out, in hand to hand combat. 

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I turned straight into a swinging fist, sparks exploding in front of my eyes as it hit me full on. 

Staggering backwards, I looked around the room for a weapon of any sort. My eyes had already begun to water as an unconscious response, even though the impact didn’t hurt as much as I expected. Without any furniture in the room there was no hope of an improvised weapon, which meant this was going to get real dirty _real_ fast. 

My duplicate swung her fist again, and I ducked, throwing my hand up to trap it and smash it into the wall. She pulled out of the hold, hooking my leg out from under me and sending me crashing to the ground. Shaking away the slightly blurred vision caused by the impact, I tangled my legs in hers and swiped, bringing her down to the ground too. She recovered quickly— quicker than me— and sooner than I anticipated she was straddling my waist, attempting to pin my arms above my head. I brought my left knee up, _hard_ , into her side, giving myself the movement I needed to pull both knees up from underneath her and wrap my legs around her neck. She pushed off from the ground, sending me into a roll that released her. Flat on my back, I managed to kick myself up and onto my feet. 

“Dauntless has been good for us.” The other me mimicked the move and winked. 

“I preferred it when you didn’t talk, thanks? It’s a lot easier to beat the crap out of someone if they don’t look and sound like me, and I don’t think we can compromise on the looks.” I rolled my eyes, standing opposite the mirror image of myself. Before she could reply with a sarcastic comeback— which I _knew_ was coming— I attempted a punch to the kidney. Unfortunately, she anticipated it, and tried the same move back, which I managed to block. 

Punch. Block. Punch. Block. _Kick_. Duck. Punch. Block. We continued, dodging each other’s moves almost before they were tried. How do you beat someone who thinks the same as you do?

 _Answer: You do something you would never think of doing_. Easier said than done, right?

With a bloody nose and a throbbing pain in my head, there were multiple ways this could go. Yes, I had been able to land a few blows on my attacker, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t done the same for me. Although she was breathing heavily, and a slow bruise was forming over her right eye, I was considerably worse for wear. Without thinking, I ducked her kick and simultaneously unlaced my boot. The next time she threw a punch, I dodged it and aimed a kick just below her head. 

The boot flew off, hitting her square in the face and leaving her with a nose just as bloodied as mine. _Great, now we look even more alike_. 

When she took off out of a door I didn’t realise was there, I shot after her. The next room contained my final fear, and it was currently mixed with the fear I was facing. I gritted my teeth as I identified the blindfolded hostages lined up in front of not-me, who had a gun raised towards them. The only gun in the room, apparently. _Raven, Murphy, Bellamy, Clarke, Miller._

“Say goodbye,” she laughed. 

_This is a simulation._

_You can change the game._

I have a knife in my jacket. I have a knife in my jacket. I repeated it until it became true, using one fluid motion to slide the knife out of my sleeve and into my hand, and toss it to pierce her heart. She crumpled, staring in shock at the blood blooming through her shirt before she hit the ground. 

“Goodbye,” I grimaced.

I wiped the blood from my nose with the back of my hand as the simulation dissolved around me and clicked my shoulder, wincing. I rubbed the Dauntless tattoo on the inside of my wrist. _I am Dauntless._

I took a few deep breaths, overwhelmed with relief as I ran my hands through my hair as the leaders came in. “Congratulations, Alyssa. You have successfully completed your final evaluation,” McCreary announced, somehow slightly amused. 

“Thanks,” I replied casually, not looking him in the eye. 

He walked towards me anyway, a syringe in his hand filled with a coloured liquid. Coloured liquid is associated with simulations, and that made me tense up. I am _done_ with simulations. 

“Could be worse,” he grinned, “You could be afraid of needles. This has a tracking device in it that will be activated only if you are reported missing. Just a precaution.” McCreary added under his breath, “Hurts like a bitch going in though, but not as bad as being shot with a neuro-stim dart.” 

“I wish I knew what that felt like,” I whispered back with a fake smile plastered onto my face. Well, mostly fake. Shooting him in capture the flag had become one of my more fond memories of initiation. “How often do people go missing, exactly?” 

“Not that often. This is a new development, courtesy of the Erudite. We have been injecting every Dauntless throughout the day, and I assume all other factions will comply as soon as possible.”

I didn’t like being injected with anything ‘courtesy of Erudite’, but that would put my loyalty in question so I stood there and waited while he stuck the needle in my neck. “We done here?” I asked, once he took the needle back out. 

“The banquet is in two hours,” he replied, ignoring my question. “Your ranking among the other initiates, Dauntless-born included, will be announced then. Good luck.” 

With that, everyone filed out of the room and as the last person to go through the fear landscape, I was left alone. That is, until Bellamy walked in and leant against the wall next to me. “Three fears?” 

“Four,” I corrected. “The last two blurred together.” 

“Listen… if you didn’t want to go back to the dormitory before the banquet, you could come back with me? If you want,” he asked quietly. 

I nodded, “I’d like that, but we have to make a stop on the way.”


	17. Every Scar I Earned, It Taught Me How To Grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The results are in. Who's Dauntless?
> 
> And who's getting a tattoo of the other's choosing? ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Human by The Score (seriously listen to the Carry On album that this is from guys, it's awesome)

Diyoza wasn’t surprised to see me. She did raise an eyebrow when Bellamy and I walked in together, side by side, but it took her less time to recover than it took me to blink, and she gestured to the back room. “How’d the fear landscape go?” 

“My own personal hell,” I replied with a laugh, “But I got through it. I’m here for parts three and four of my tattoo and then I’m good to go. But if all goes well at the banquet, I’ll be back with Blake later.” 

“You will, will you?” Diyoza asked curiously. 

I laughed, “Your favourite initiate was as cocky as ever on the first day of training and made a deal with her instructor that if she placed in the top three, he had to get a tattoo of her choice, and if I didn’t, I’d get a tattoo of _his_ choice.” 

She laughed, picking up the tattoo gun. “That’s a hell of a way to make a first impression. And if you win, what did you have in mind?” 

I shrugged, unzipping my jacket and moving my shirt out the way for her. “You’ll find out in a couple of hours, if I’m lucky.” 

~

When we arrived back at Bellamy’s room, I flopped onto his bed with a sigh. “Y’know, this is a hell of a lot more comfortable than the ones in the dorms,” I pointed out. “And facing your fears is fucking exhausting.” 

“I couldn’t see your fear landscape, but I could see that you were fighting someone and those were some pretty impressive moves,” he grinned.

I laughed, “What can I say? I had a decent teacher?” 

“Just decent?” He teased, and I lifted up his pillow and threw it at him. Bellamy caught it easily and threw it back, and I ducked and let it sail over my head with a grin. “So what tattoo did you get?” 

“You first,” I replied.

“I didn’t get a tattoo,” he frowned. 

“Not today,” I laughed, “The one on your back. I can see it peeking out of your shirt and I’ve been trying to figure out what it is.” 

“Have you now?” Bellamy asked, grinning. “Alyssa Jones, are you asking me to _undress_?” 

“ _Scandalous,_ ” I laughed, shrugging. “Only partially.”

He unzipped his sweatshirt and tossed it towards a desk at the side, before curling his fingers around the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head. My eyes raked over his chest. _Fuck._

“Did you say something?” Bellamy asked, looking at me. 

Apparently I did. Apparently I had lost control of my brain. “No. Nope. Nothing. Nothing at _all._ Mhm. Yep.” I forced myself to blink, and look a little bit less like a deer in headlights. Or at least, I’d never _seen_ a deer, but someone had used that expression before and it was the first to come to mind. I walked around him, taking in the tattoo. His back was more ink than skin, with the symbols of each faction drawn there. At the top of his spine sat the Dauntless flames, underneath that Abnegation, the scales for Candor, the eye for Erudite, and the tree for Amity. “Wow,” I whispered. 

“I think we’ve made a mistake,” he said softly. “We’ve all started to put down the virtues of the other factions in the process of bolstering our own. I don’t want that. I want to be brave, and selfless, _and_ smart, _and_ kind, _and_ honest.” He cleared his throat, “I continually struggle with kindness.” 

“I struggle with honesty,” I replied. “I can’t lie to save my life, that much is true, but I lie by omission. I don’t tell people what I feel, I don’t tell people why I do things, and I don’t tell people when I need help.”

“Nobody’s perfect,” he said after a beat.

“Perfect’s overrated,” I smiled weakly. “I’d rather settle for being a complicated mess.” 

~

Just before going to the banquet, I removed the bandages below my collarbone from the new tattoo. Diyoza said I had to keep them on for two hours at least, and it was just about that. When Bellamy and I reached the dining hall, I went in first and joined my friends, and he sat down next to some of his. 

“Where’d you go?” Clarke asked, balancing a spoon on her nose. It fell off when she started talking and she cursed, glaring at Miller. “You win this time, but this isn’t over.” 

Miller, who’s spoon was perfectly in place, replied with a small shrug, “Don’t be a sore loser, Griffin.” 

“Clarke’s right,” Raven cut in, ignoring Miller’s scowl. “Not about the game, idiot. Where _have_ you been, Lyss?” 

“Tattoo place,” I shrugged. It was only half a lie. “Finished off the project I was doing with Diyoza.” 

“Nice,” Murphy nodded. “The fears one?” 

“The fears one,” I confirmed. “What jobs are you guys thinking of?” 

Miller was the first to reply, unrelenting in his spoon-balancing game, “I think I’d like a job like Blake’s training initiates. Scaring the living daylights out of them. You know, fun stuff. What about the rest of you?” 

“I think I’d like working on weapons with Jason,” Raven replied, “But I’m not certain yet. Murphy?” 

“Scaring initiates _does_ sound like fun,” he noted, considering it. “Clarke?” 

“Maybe I’d be a good ambassador to other factions, I think being a transfer would help with that as well,” she explained. “But I’m not sure.” 

I realised I hadn’t given much thought to it, “I’m not sure. I think I’ll see what happens.” 

McCreary stood up and tapped a microphone, getting everyone’s attention and causing a shit ton of feedback through the speakers as he did so, causing me to wince. “We aren’t big on speeches here. Eloquence is for Erudite,” he joked. “So I’m keeping this short. New year, new pack of initiates, and an even smaller pack of new members. Congratulations.” At that, the room erupts into something that isn’t applause, but is the pounding of fists on tabletops. “We believe in bravery. We believe in taking action. We believe in freedom from fear and in acquiring the skills to force the bad out of our world so that the good can prosper and thrive. If you also believe in these things, we welcome you. Tomorrow, in their first act as members, our top ten initiates will choose their professions, in the order of how they are ranked. These rankings are about to appear on the screen behind me.” 

No sooner had the words left his mouth did the rankings appear on the screen. The first name to appear is next to a large number one, and it is also accompanied by a picture of my face. _#1 Alyssa._

I read the rest of the rankings, my throat tight as I looked for my friends’ names. 

  1. Alyssa
  2. Ontari
  3. Tristan
  4. Echo
  5. Clarke
  6. Raven
  7. Murphy
  8. Miller
  9. Shay
  10. Macallan
  11. Lindo
  12. Dax
  13. Myles
  14. Riley



I didn’t really recognise some of the Dauntless-borns, but we were _in._ We were _Dauntless._ Ontari sent a glare in my direction that was lost in the crowd as we cheered, and I threw my arms up in the air to celebrate as Raven pulled me, Clarke, Miller and Murphy into a group hug. When we released each other, she grabbed Murphy by the shoulders and kissed him full force, while Miller burst out laughing. 

“Straight people...” He muttered, before turning away and letting out another cheer. 

I turned around at a tap on the shoulder. Bellamy. “You think giving you a hug would give away too much?” 

“Remember when you said I was the good kind of reckless?” I grinned, reaching up and using the collar of his shirt to bring his lips down to meet mine. 

Then his hand brushed over the injection site in my neck, and everything came together all at once. Coloured serum contains transmitters. Transmitters connect the mind to sims. Erudite developed the serum. McCreary and Cage are working with the Erudite. 

_We’re so screwed._

I pulled away, “We have a problem,” I hissed. 

“What?” 

“Not here. _Later_ ,” I replied quietly. ‘Here’ is too busy. ‘Here’ has too many people that could overhear. ‘Here’ is filled with my friends watching my every move because _holy fuck_ I just kissed Bellamy Blake in front of all of them. Unfortunately, when we moved towards the tattoo place— I refused to wait, because I had won the bet and goddammit he was getting that tattoo— we weren’t the only people going. Apparently getting tattoos to celebrate the end of initiation was a pretty common theme in Dauntless. Who knew? 

Bellamy sat down in the tattoo chair, raising his eyebrows expectantly. “Well? Please tell me it’s not a giant dick, my friends have a bet going that it’s going to be a giant dick.” 

I burst out laughing, “Rest assured, it’s not a giant dick.” I whispered my idea into Diyoza’s ear and she nodded, making zero comments as she rounded on Bellamy with the tattoo gun in hand. “You _do_ get to choose where it goes though. I’ll give you that.” 

He lifted his hand and tapped his chest with two fingers, directly over his heart. “Here,” he announced with a grin. “Right here.” 

“Shirt,” Diyoza ordered, and Bellamy complied by unbuttoning his shirt enough for her to do the design. He kept trying to look at it and she kept pushing his head out of the way while she worked. Once she’d finished, Diyoza smoothed a bandage over it before he had a chance to look. “Remove this in two hours, no sooner.” 

“But I want to see it!” Bellamy protested, “At least tell me what it is.” 

“Can’t. Surprise,” I replied with a shrug.


	18. Monster Inside Of My Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all good things must come to an end  
> and by good things, i mean celebrations  
> and by end, i mean 'taken over by mind control'
> 
> who doesn't love a bit of mind control?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter titled from Bulletproof by The Score because I am /obsessed/

On the way back into the Pit, Bellamy and I got separated but while I walked back to the dormitory with the rest of the newest members of Dauntless, I resolved to sneak out later to meet him and explain. Although it turned out I was more exhausted than I initially realised, and I unintentionally fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. 

I woke up early to find everyone else already awake. No one had turned the lights on, so I couldn’t see properly at first, but once my eyes adjusted I noticed that the others were all getting ready in silence. Raven was tying her shoelaces, Murphy was putting on a shirt, Miller was zipping up his jacket and Clarke was pulling on a jumper. Something wasn’t right. 

Since she was the closest, I grabbed Raven and shook her. “Raven? Raven!” She ignored me, like I wasn’t even there. Like I was invisible. I looked at her face and realised her eyes were completely blank, and she wasn’t seeing me at all. Everything she did, she did without looking. Autonomous, like a robot. 

And she wasn't the only one. 

All the initiates fell into a line when they finished dressing, giving me just enough time to pull my boots back on. I grabbed Murphy’s arm to keep him from leaving but he continued to move forwards and I couldn’t stop him. Without any other ideas, I joined the line they walked in and mimicked their movements. Each action was carried out in unison and it didn’t take me long to follow their rhythm. 

The group marched towards the Pit but instead of going in, the line turned left and went up a flight of stairs and down a few more corridors. I kept my expression as vacant as possible and tried not to look as tense as I felt at the fact that someone might notice I was faking. The final hallway opened up to a large cavern with even more Dauntless inside. Dozens of tables decorate the room, each with guns on them. 

Zombified killers, well isn’t that just _brilliant._

I attempted to copy Clarke as she picked up a gun, holster, and belt. Since I couldn’t predict her movements, I messed up a couple of times but it occurred without being noticed so I wasn’t caught yet. Once I was armed, I followed the others towards the exit. I had to find Bellamy. I had to find Bellamy. We couldn’t let Erudite wage war on Abnegation. 

I was awake, because I was Divergent. 

If there were any more like me, they had to be damn good at acting. 

I almost managed to forget that the train _can_ stop, since almost every time I’ve gotten on it it had already been moving. But this time, it was completely stationary as the large group moved towards it. Each car was open and one by one we climbed into the train car in front of us. Turning my head would be too obvious, so my eyes darted along each head in front of me and to the side as I tried to spot Bellamy. On my right, I could just about see a tall boy with dark hair, and if I got a little closer I might have been able to see the tips of the tattoo on my back so I did the only thing I could. 

When the car in front of me filled up, and Clarke turned towards the next one, I copied her and waited. Instead of copying her exactly, I inched to the right. Thank _god_ for being short, because the others were unconsciously shielding me. I took another step to the right, gritting my teeth when I almost bumped into someone. _Don’t be an idiot, Lyss. Don’t let them catch you._

Someone in the next car held out a hand to help the person in front of me, and they took it, all movements robotic. I took the next outstretched hand and climbed as steadily as I could into the train car, facing the person who helped me. _Bellamy._ But he was as blank as the rest of them. I had a feeling he was Divergent, but was I wrong? If anyone was, it would be him, and I couldn’t do this without him. 

I turned away, fighting tears as we stood shoulder-to-shoulder and others crowded into the train around us. If I was wrong, then I needed a new plan. If I was wrong, then— 

I _wasn’t_ wrong. 

A hand touched mine, slowly, and Bellamy laced his fingers with mine. I wanted to smile, I wanted to smile and _couldn’t_ , in case someone noticed. But I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed mine back. 

I wasn’t wrong. He was awake, like me. He was Divergent, like me. 

After a while, the train stopped, and everyone started moving towards the exit. Bellamy’s head turned towards me slowly, and he whispered a word. “ _Run._ I’m going after Octavia.” 

I fought the urge to laugh, turning towards him before I jumped out of the train after the person in front of me. “You’re an idiot if you think I’m letting you do this alone,” I hissed.

Then the gunshots started. 

I couldn’t turn my head to look, but I recognised Diyoza as she hauled an Abnegation council member to his knees and put a bullet in the back of his head. _Keep walking. Keep walking._ Another gunshot rang out and a figure in grey collapsed at the corner of my vision. We had to find Octavia, and I wanted to find the McIntyres, because Harper would never forgive me— well, she would, she’s Amity— but I would never forgive myself if they died when I could prevent it. 

One by one, the soldiers in front of me left to perform various tasks, and I realised I had no idea what I was meant to be doing. At some point, someone was going to notice that whatever orders they were giving, _I wasn’t getting._ But I was going to get discovered way before that, because when McCreary walked over all I could see was red. I fought the urge to grab my gun and shoot him, and tried my best to act zombified when he poked my face. 

“This is insane,” he laughed. 

“They can’t see _or_ hear us?” Another man asked, visibly uncomfortable. I tried to remember his name but I ended up drawing a blank. Emerson or something? 

“Oh, they can. They just aren’t processing it. They received the commands from our computers in the transmitters we injected them with,” he tapped the injection site and I resisted the part of my brain telling me to _fucking shoot him already_ because that would give me away. “And then they carry them out.” McCreary took a step to the side. “Now, this is a sight to remember. The legendary Bellamy Blake. No one’s going to remember that I came in second now, are they? No one will ever ask me, “What was it like to train with the guy who only has four fears?” He drew his gun, pointing it at Bellamy’s right temple and I clenched my jaw to stop myself from sucking in a nervous and obvious breath. “Think anyone would notice if he accidentally got shot?” 

Emerson shrugged, “Go ahead. It’s not like he’s worth anything anymore.” 

“Too bad you didn’t join leadership,” McCreary laughed, “Well, too bad for _you_.” 

He clicked a bullet into the chamber and even though I noticed Bellamy’s hand twitch, my hand was already in the gun and it was resting against McCreary’s forehead. He clearly wasn’t expecting it because for a moment his face went completely slack and he almost could have passed doing a good impression of one of the zombified Dauntless soldiers. 

“Put the gun down you sick son of a bitch, or I pull the trigger,” I ordered, waiting for him to comply. 

“You won’t shoot me,” he replied, overly confident. 

I laughed, “Have you _met_ me?” Still, I didn’t murder him, which is pretty surprising considering I’m, well, _me_. I shifted my arm down, firing a bullet into his knee cap and pushing him backwards. McCreary screamed, grabbing his leg, but he moved his gun away from Bellamy’s head and allowed him to draw his own weapon and fire it at Emerson. 

As soon as the gunshots fired, someone would’ve heard and we shot off towards the buildings to try and get out of sight. Find Octavia, find the McIntyres, get out of there. Bellamy grabbed my hand and pulled me forwards, breaking into a run as another gunshot echoed through the Abnegation compound. 

Pain tore through my shoulder and I cursed, stumbling into Bellamy. “Fuck,” I dropped my gun so I could put pressure on the wound, pleading through gritted teeth. “Run. Find your sister.” 

“No,” he said firmly, standing still and keeping me upright. 

“Divergent rebels,” McCreary hobbled over on one foot, deathly pale. “Surrender your weapons."

“Let me guess, _you_ shot me?” I groaned. His satisfied smile gave me all the answers I needed. “Go screw yourself.”


	19. Blood, Sweat, Tears, Make The Pain Taste Sweeter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in other words, Diana Sydney is a bitch who knows too much private information

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shocker, this chapter's title is from 'The Fear' by The Score

A gun pushed me forwards as we walked, but I was more determined than ever to stay on my feet, to not give McCreary the satisfaction. Even though there was also a gun against Bellamy, he had an arm around me to keep me upright and no matter how many times he got nudged by the gun behind him, he refused to walk any quicker than the pace I could handle. If only I had a lighter, I could fix this. I could _totally_ fix this. Actually scratch that, I’d need to get the bullet _out_ first, and then I could fix it. 

Yeah, that wasn’t happening anytime soon. 

We made our way through the Abnegation headquarters, and into a plain office containing only a desk, a computer, and two empty chairs. Diana Sydney sat there, so engrossed in her phone call she barely noticed us arrive. “Well, send some of them _back_ on the train then. It needs to be well guarded, it’s the most important part— I’m not talk— I have to go.” She snapped the phone shut and raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Divergent rebels,” one of the Dauntless leading us in prompted. 

Sydney sighed, “Yes, I can _see_ that.” She looked me up and down. “You, I know you. I noticed your test result— it was entered manually. And the same for one of your fear simulations… I was suspicious about that, but _you_ …” The Erudite leader looked at Bellamy. “You, Bellamy, you managed to elude me. Your test results, initiation simulations, everything checked out. Yet here you are. Do you think you could explain that?” 

“You’re the genius, aren’t you?” He replied blankly. “Why don’t you tell me?” 

I tried not to laugh. 

“My theory is that you really do belong in Abnegation. That your Divergence is weaker,” she mused, raising an eyebrow again to see his response. 

Unfortunately for her, Bellamy looked less than impressed. In fact, he didn’t care at all. “Your powers of deductive reasoning are stunning. Consider me awed.” He sighed, “Now that your intelligence has been verified, you might want to get on with killing us. You have a lot of Abnegation leaders to murder, after all.” 

If his comments bothered Sydney at all, it didn’t show on her face. But then she said something that broke through his armour. “Like your father?” 

“My— _what_?” 

She smirked, “What? Were you not privy to that bit of information? I can understand why, I mean, for Thelonious to have got your mother pregnant at such a young age, there was no way they’d stay together. Especially when he became a council member. Then if they had, you wouldn’t have your sister, would you? What’s her name… Olivia?” 

“Octavia,” he corrected through gritted teeth, as this Erudite woman laid out the parts of his life that he never had access to. 

“Octavia,” she smiled, but it was more like the smile a cat gives when it’s finally caught a mouse. Not that I’d know, I’ve never actually had a cat. “My apologies. Besides, there is no rush! You’re here for an important purpose. You see, I’ve been trying to figure out why the Divergent were immune to the serum that I developed, so I have been working to remedy that. I thought I might have succeeded with the last batch, but as you can see…” Sydney paused to gesture to the both of us. “I was wrong. Luckily, I have another batch to test.” 

“Why bother?” I asked, “Not like you’ve had a problem killing Divergents in the past.” 

She smirked, “I’ve had a question that I’d like answered. Why are most of the Divergent weak-willed, God-fearing nobodies from _Abnegation_ , of all factions? Which is why I’m so glad to have you here, Bellamy. Alyssa… your family was originally Erudite, wasn’t it? Before they became factionless?” 

I sighed, “Why ask a question when you already know the answer? What’s the point?” 

“I _would_ be interested in seeing if being factionless affected your Divergence in any way…” 

Bellamy changed the topic of conversation away from me, and for that I was grateful. “Weak-willed? It requires a _strong_ will to manipulate a simulation last time I checked. Weak-willed is mind-controlling an army because it’s too hard for you to train one yourself.” 

“I’m not a fool,” Sydney replied. “A faction of intellectuals is no army. Your Dauntless leaders were all too happy to oblige me if I guaranteed them a place in our new, improved government.” 

“Improved?” I snorted, “God, aren’t you supposed to be smart?” 

“Improved,” she insisted. “Improved and working toward a world in which people will live in wealth, comfort and prosperity. Currently the factionless— your people— are a drain on our resources. As is Abnegation. I am sure that once the remains of them are absorbed into the Dauntless army, Candor will cooperate and we will finally be able to get on with things.” 

“Get on with things?” Bellamy raised his voice, “Make no mistake, you will be dead before—” 

“Perhaps if you could control your temper,” Sydney suggested, “You wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with, Bellamy.” 

“I’m in this situation because you put me here,” he snapped. “The second you orchestrated an attack against innocent people.” 

“Actually I’m pretty sure I’m the one with the temper problem,” I spat.

Sydney ignored Bellamy, and turned to me, playing the final card she had. “ _Oscar Bennett_ , if I recall correctly? Wipe that look off your face, of course I know. I didn’t do anything about it because letting the factionless kill each other just made things easier.” 

I paled, reaching into my jacket and throwing a knife before I even realised what I was doing. Unfortunately thanks to the blood loss, and the bullet still in my other shoulder, the knife went sailing past her and embedded itself in the wall behind Diana Sydney’s head. I shot upright, ignoring the pain in my shoulder and the wave of dizziness that overcame me as I choked out the words. “You don’t get to talk to me about that. You don’t get to act like you know what happened!” I slammed my good hand down on the table in an action that sent waves of pain through my body and made the wood splinter beneath it. 

“Oh, take a _seat_ ,” she sighed. “I don’t have time for outbursts.” 

I slumped backwards into the chair, shaking with anger. Bellamy took my good hand in his and carefully extracted a large splinter that had embedded itself in my palm when I hit the desk. 

“What I was going to say, before I got _interrupted_ ,” Sydney chose her words carefully, eyeing the dent in her new table. “Is that soon, dozens of the Abnegation and their young children will be my responsibility to keep in order, and it doesn’t bode well for me that a large number of them might be Divergent like yourselves, incapable of being controlled by the simulations. Therefore, it is necessary that I develop a new form of simulation to which they are _not_ immune. That is where you come in.” She turned to Bellamy, “You are correct in that you are strong-willed. I cannot control your will. But there are a few things I _can_ control. I can control what you see and hear, so I created a new serum that will adjust your surroundings to manipulate your will. Those who refuse to accept our leadership must be closely monitored. You will be the first test subject, Bellamy. Alyssa, however… you are too injured for me to get an accurate reading, so you’ll be executed when this meeting is over.” 

“At least it means I don’t have to listen to you talk anymore,” I replied weakly, before turning to Bellamy. 

His eyes clouded with fear, and his hand linked with mine began to shake slightly. “No. I would rather die.” 

“That’s cute, you think you have a choice,” Sydney laughed. 

Bellamy’s expression hardened, and he leaned over to take my face in his hands and kiss me. I was taken by surprise, but I leant into it until he pulled himself away and lunged at Sydney, wrapping his hands around her throat. It took four guards to pull him away, and even then they struggled. I tried to help him but the room spun with every step and I blinked back tears as I tried to watch what was going on. 

Sydney picked up a syringe, rubbing at her neck with her free hand where his fingers had left red marks. She plunged it into his neck before I could protest and he stopped fighting. “Let him up,” she announced quietly, before finding her voice and saying it again a little louder. “Let him up.” 

The guards let him go, and Bellamy stood up. 

“Bellamy,” I tried to get his attention, “Bellamy!” 

“He doesn’t know you,” Sydney said confidently. “The simulation alters what he sees, making him confuse enemy with friend.” 

No sooner had she finished talking, Bellamy lunged towards me, his hand closing around my neck as he pushed me up against the wall. The guard pulled him away from me and held him steady while he stood there. He was ready to murder the people he called innocent barely a few minutes ago. This was one of his worst fears. He would rather die than do this. 

“The advantage of this simulation is that he can act independently, which is more effective than a mindless soldier,” she smirked, apparently happy that her serum had worked this time. “Send him to the control room. We’ll need a sentient being to monitor him and as I understand, he used to work there. And take _her_ out the back,” she waved a hand dismissively at me. “It’s been grand, but I have work to do.” 

And so she sent me to my death.


	20. In Our Blood, No Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, you're ready to face death
> 
> and sometimes, that interaction is postponed due to the appearance of a small girl with a frying pan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from the world we made by ruelle

They only needed one guard to take me outside, after watching Bellamy attack me like he wanted me dead, and with a bullet still in my shoulder I didn’t seem like much of a threat. Honestly, fair enough. The Dauntless shoved me on the ground onto my knees and raised the gun to my forehead. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and expecting the shot to be the last thing I hear. 

But the gunshot never came. Instead, there was a rather anticlimactic thud behind me, and a small crash as the weapon used to disable him landed on the floor next to me. “What the…” I stared at the ‘weapon’ lying at the feet of the fallen soldier. “ _Frying pan?”_

“Pretty damn handy, if you ask me,” the girl replied, holding out a hand to help me up. I looked up at her, the sun shining just behind her almost looking like a halo around her dark hair, which whipped around her face in the wind. She was wearing abnegation clothes— boots and a plain grey dress that she’d tied to give herself more movement— but with a bright red ribbon in her hair. She picked up the frying pan and spun it in her grip. “You went in with him, and came out without him. Where is my brother?” 

So _that’s_ where I recognised her from. “Oh fuck, Bellamy is going to _kill_ me if anything happens to you. We need to move.” I grabbed the fallen soldier’s gun before taking Octavia’s arm and pulled her towards a nearby building and into an alcove I’d once smoked in after stealing some weed from an Amity shipment. Then again, it’s not like Bellamy didn’t want to kill me already, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

“Where is he?” Octavia warned, “Give it to me straight.” 

“Where did you _come_ from?” I looked around, trying to figure out which direction she had arrived from. 

“Doesn’t matter. Where’s Bellamy?” She folded her arms and cocked her head to the side a little while she frowned, a gesture that was Bellamy to a T. 

“They took him,” I replied, “They’ve done something to him and I don’t know how to reverse it. We have to get him back, but there’s no way he’d be happy to find out you’re willing to fight.” 

“Better to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?” Octavia shrugged, “Can _you_ fight? You look like shit.” 

I laughed weakly, “I feel like shit too, but I can fight. But we can’t do this just the two of us because we’ll both end up dead.” 

“There’s more Abnegation in a basement at the intersection of North and Fairfield,” she replied. “We need to go.” 

“Wait!” I grabbed her before she could leave and tugged her back into the hiding spot. Two men were walking with Bellamy across the compound, and Octavia wrestled against my grip to go towards him. “He won’t recognise you.” They got onto the train as it passed and I realised where they were going, remembering what Sydney said. “ _He used to work there.”_ They were going to Dauntless. “Now take me to that Abnegation backup you were talking about.” 

Octavia sighed and then nodded. “We’re going to rescue him though, right?” 

“Or die trying,” I confirmed. “Well, I’ll die trying. You are under no circumstances allowed to do that.” 

We moved slowly and carefully through the small passages between buildings. Octavia was surprisingly handy with the frying pan but I always put myself between her and the bullets whenever they started firing. We emerged in a large alleyway but there were Dauntless guards approaching on each side, apparently having realised I wasn’t dead yet. “Shit. _Shit._ Get behind me,” I hissed, and Octavia did as told, raising her frying pan. “When I say ‘go’, run for cover. I’ll draw them away and take them out.” 

“I want to help,” she protested. 

“Then stay alive,” I replied, “ _Go._ ” I shot out from between the buildings, laying down covering fire against the Dauntless on one side before running towards the ones on the other side and taking them out one by one. Then I was against a familiar face, and I completely froze. “Murphy,” I tried to get through to him. “Murphy, you’re in a simulation, you need to _wake up._ Murphy, _please._ ” He kept coming forwards, his gun raised and trained on Octavia. Mindless, zombified, but Murphy nonetheless. I fired a warning shot, hoping he could still feel pain enough for it to slow him down as the bullet thudded into his shoulder. It didn’t stop him from moving, but it did change his target from her to me. I fired another shot as he advanced, clipping just below the other one. 

With shaking hands, I raised the gun towards his head. _Don’t make me do this. Please don’t make me do this._ I barely noticed that he was almost completely level with Octavia, and she swung the frying pan with full force against the back of his head, watching as he fell unconscious. “Octavia Blake, I am _so_ glad you’re here,” I gasped, rushing over to Murphy and hauling his arm over my shoulder. “We can’t leave him behind, please help me carry him.” 

“You know him?” She asked, “And you still shot him?” 

“Mhm,” I grunted as I hauled him upright. “Come on.” 

~

We made it to where the Abnegation were hiding, and I supported Murphy’s whole body weight as Octavia did whatever secret knock had been pre-arranged with them. A boy I recognised from the choosing ceremony opened the door and swept her up in a hug, “Octavia, god, we didn’t even know you’d disappeared until it was too late to go after.” 

“I’m fine, Wells, and I brought help. She knows Bellamy,” Octavia explained. 

I realised that I never actually introduced myself, so I smiled weakly and raised a hand, wincing. “Alyssa Jones. Could you help me get him inside?” I gestured to Murphy and Wells nodded, slinging my friend’s arm over his shoulders to carry him inside. 

“Abby, we have a patient for you,” Wells called out.

“Make that two,” I replied, “There’s a bullet in my shoulder that needs extracting. But him first, please.” Then I clocked the name, _Abby, a doctor._ “Wait, Abby _Griffin_? Clarke’s mom?” 

The woman stood up and nodded, seeping everything off a nearby table so we could lay Murphy down. “I need a medkit. He’s losing a lot of blood. Who shot him?” 

“I did,” I replied quietly. “Please help him.” 

Wells took a look at my shoulder and guided me towards a chair. “I can have a go if you want, I used to help Abby before I became Erudite.” 

“Bet you’re regretting that choice now,” I muttered bitterly.

He nodded, “More than anything.”

I pulled a knife out of my jacket and handed it to him, “Do your worst, Jaha. But at least save the jacket.” 

Wells laughed, making a small incision in the jacket to get to the wound as Octavia helped Abby with Murphy. “This’ll hurt a bit,” he warned. 

“Just get the bullet out and I’ll cauterise it,” I replied nonchalantly. “We’ve got work to do.” I winced as he made the wound a little wider to get access to the bullet, reaching out for a pair of tweezers of some sort to get the bullet out.

“You can’t cauterise it, let me stitch it. Cauterising it is a terrible idea. Please tell me you don’t do that on a regular basis.” 

I shrugged, and he forced my shoulder back down so he could continue to work. I winced again as he fished around for the bullet gritting my teeth, “I wouldn’t— wouldn’t say _regular_ , but I did do it a couple weeks ago when I got stabbed.” 

“You got— nevermind, I’m not surprised,” he sighed, finally extracting the bullet. “At least let me stitch it, _this_ time.” Wells didn’t give me time to respond, already holding me in the chair as he held out his other hand for someone to deposit the surgical thread in it so he could get to work. “Clarke was always neater at this than I was, sorry in advance. And for the love of _god_ , stop shrugging!” 

I caught myself mid-shrug and let my shoulders drop back down, “I’m gonna be honest with you, Jaha, I’m probably going to split these before the end of the day so don’t make it your best work.” 

“We are only safe here for so long, we need to get out of the city and hope the Amity will take us in,” another person announced, and I realised I hadn’t noticed him until now. Not just any Abnegation council member, _Thelonious Jaha._

“Other Jaha?” I raised an eyebrow, “Nice to see you’re still alive.” 

He frowned, probably trying to remember if he knew me or not. Well, he doesn’t. “You’re Dauntless, what’s their strategy like? Will they stop fighting at night?” 

“It’s not Dauntless strategy,” I replied. “They’re being mind-controlled by that Erudite bitch who’s out for your job. Most of the Dauntless are effectively sleepwalking right now, and being fed orders through transmitters they received in a serum. They’re basically in a sim and don’t know what they’re doing. Luckily, the mind control doesn’t affect me. But it does affect him, so make sure he stays unarmed.” I gestured to Murphy, and where Octavia was currently inspecting his gun. 

“Mind control? So they have no idea what they’re doing?” Abby asked, looking up from where she was extracting Murphy’s second bullet. “What happens when they wake up and realise what they’ve done?” 

_Wake up._

_We need to wake them up._

“That’s how we end this,” I realised out loud. “We wake them up. The Dauntless will revolt against the Erudite, who will be powerless to stop it because they no longer have an army, and the Abnegation will stop dying. We find where they’re operating from, and we take them down.” 

“It won’t be that simple,” Thelonious warned. 

I cracked my knuckles as Wells put a bandage over the stitches on my shoulder. “It can be.” 

“Where do we go? We can’t exactly walk around Erudite without getting shot,” Wells pointed out. 

Then I remembered where they’d taken Bellamy, and what Sydney had said on the phone. _“It needs to be well guarded.”_ I stood up, picking up my gun and checking how many bullets I had. “It’s not at Erudite, it’s at Dauntless.” 

“We need to figure out who goes, and who goes on to Amity,” Thelonious announced. “What kind of help do you need?” 

I whistled, “Who here knows how to shoot?” A few raised their hands, probably Dauntless-borns. “And who _isn’t_ afraid of heights?” A few less volunteers. 

“I’m coming,” Wells announced. “Clarke is my best friend and I’m not letting her become a murderer.” 

“That’s the spirit,” I patted him on the shoulder. “Thanks for the stitches by the way.” 

“I’m coming too,” Abby decided. “When I’ve finished with John.” 

I shook my head, “Chances are, your skills will be needed when this is all over. You need to act as a medic and stay with the Amity group. Stay with Murphy, keep him alive. Please?” My voice softened, “We’ll shut it down and save Clarke, I promise, just please don’t let him die.” 

She sighed, “Save my daughter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i love getting comments. please give me validation


	21. I'll Bring Thunder, I'll Bring Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from praying by kesha

I watched the last of the Abnegation who were hiding disappear towards Amity, three of them carrying Murphy between them. I wiped the tears almost before they fell and put my game face on. I couldn’t be thinking about him now, about how I shot him, about how he might die. I had to be thinking about the people coming with me, the people I needed to save, and stopping the war. 

I had a few volunteers, and it wasn’t so many I couldn’t keep track of, which was good. Octavia refused to follow the others to Amity in favour of rescuing her brother, which meant unfortunately I had to show her how to hold and shoot a gun. I gave her mine, and let Wells have Murphy’s, leaving myself with only my knives. Not like they were in short supply though. Thelonious stayed with us as well, something about doing it “for his people”.

“Time?” I asked, turning to Wells. 

He checked the watch on his wrist, “Three twelve.” 

“By the way,” I thought now would be a good time to remind them, “The train doesn’t stop, so you’re going to have to run alongside it and jump in.” 

“I’ve always wanted to do this,” Octavia whispered. “Is it as fun as it looks?”

“Is it as bad of an idea as it looks?” Thelonious seconded. 

I laughed, “Yes.” 

The headlights of the train came into view and I waited until the front of the train shot past me before I broke into a run and grabbed the handle, swinging myself in perfectly for the first time. For a second I wished Bellamy had been there to see it, but then I resolved that he would see it on our way out after we’d shut down the sim. I reached out a hand to help Octavia, and she jumped in with ease as Wells helped his dad up. 

“So,” I announced over the roar of the train. “Sydney will probably have guards near the entrance above the Pit, outside the glass building on top. Which is why we’re going in the back entrance.” 

“I’m guessing you regret choosing Dauntless?” Thelonious asked.

“No,” I didn’t even need to think about it. “Not in the slightest. Dauntless taught me how to protect myself, and the people I care about. Dauntless taught me how to face my fears. Dauntless showed me who my friends are. And Bellamy Blake, who I wouldn’t have met if I hadn’t joined Dauntless, taught me that selflessness and bravery aren’t all that different.” 

“Even though your faction’s leaders joined a plot to overthrow the government? Kill innocent people?” He asked, bewildered. 

“Dauntless isn’t perfect,” I sighed. “But perfect’s overrated. There are good people there, and we’re not all like the leaders. There are good people that are doing bad things, and that’s why we need to stop this.” The glass building shone in the distance and I held onto the handle on the side of the train car, leaning out almost completely. “Right, when I tell you to, I’m going to need you to jump.” 

“But we’re seven stories up!” Wells stared at me like I was crazy. I am, a little bit, but that didn’t make any difference. 

“Onto a roof. Jaha Senior, you go first. Then Wells, then Octavia and me. Get ready,” I warned, as the roof got closer. “JUMP!” Thelonious surged forwards, landing just on the edge of the roof. Wells followed him, wincing as he landed but making it. 

“I’m not afraid,” Octavia whispered, breaking into a run and throwing herself out of the train. I jumped, landing next to her. We were all in various degrees of bruised and grazed, but we were alive. 

“We’re not dead,” I grinned, mostly to myself.

Wells laughed, “That wasn’t as terrible as I expected.” 

“Yeah, you say that now, but we’re about to jump again,” I pointed towards the other side of the roof and we walked towards it. “Don’t think, just jump. There’s a net at the bottom.” I stood on the edge of the roof, thinking of last time I was here, and thinking of the first time. I positioned myself over the hole and leant backwards, letting the air rush past me before I hit the net and rolled over so I could slide off the side. 

Octavia was the next down, and light as she was, she bounced up a few times before coming to a stop on the net, a large grin on her face. “If we were here in better circumstances, I’d ask to go again,” she let out a breath, sliding off the net and readjusting the ribbon in her hair. Wells followed after, and I reached out a hand to pull him off the net so his father could join us. 

“How many times have you done that?” Wells asked, breathless. 

I shrugged, “This would be my third.” 

“Do you have a good plan?” Octavia asked as she looked around, taking in the Dauntless compound in all of its dark glory. 

“I have _a_ plan. Whether it’s good or not, I’ll leave that up to you guys to decide.” I also have a Plan B, and a Plan C, and a Plan D, but there’s a reason why Plan D is the fourth plan. I die in Plan D, making it a less than optimal plan. 

We moved quietly towards the Pit, and when I saw it was empty I continued up the staircase towards the glass building. They had to be up here. If everywhere else was empty, they’d be here. The control room was up here. _Bellamy_ was up here. I stopped halfway up the stairs, just at the right place to be able to see the shadows of the moving guards above us. I held up my hand to stop everyone, the same way Bellamy had done when he wanted our group to stop moving in capture the flag. 

“Why have we stopped?” Wells frowned in confusion. 

I looked at Octavia, “Octavia, do you trust me?” 

She paused for a second before nodding. “You tried to get Bellamy to run after you got shot, and he didn’t. He trusts you, I trust you.” 

“Bellamy is up there,” I ripped off the metaphorical bandaid quickly, “And he isn’t being controlled in the same way the others are, but he is being controlled. Whatever happens, you don’t approach until I give you the all-clear, okay?” 

Octavia sighed, “Okay.” 

I told them to wait there while I counted the amount of guards. Octavia handed me her gun without prompting and I got ready to move. I poked my head above the stairs and aimed my gun at the first guard. The bullet took him down and I moved onto the next one. I missed the kill shot but the bullet lodged in his shooting arm and the gun skidded along the floor. I dropped my gun to Octavia and launched myself through the hole in the ceiling, grabbing his gun and aiming at the guards behind me. I raised my gun at the final guard, and pulled the trigger. Unfortunately, the click of the trigger sounded meaning that I was out of bullets, a sound usually drowned out by the gunshot itself. But that didn’t seem to matter, as the guard jerked his chin to the side, telling me to go. He mouthed a number, _“Eight.”_ I nodded, and he disappeared into the fear landscape room. _Divergent_.

“You guys can come up,” I lay flat on the floor, trying to catch my breath. “No more guards.” Wells was first, followed by Octavia and then Thelonious. I handed Wells and Thelonious the guns of the dead guards and sighed. “Stay here. If someone that isn’t me comes back out, you shoot them. If it’s Bellamy, and he doesn’t tell you I sent him, you shoot first, ask questions later. If anyone comes up that hole in the ground, you shoot them. Whatever happens, you _stay alive._ ” 

“What are you going to do?” Wells asked, checking the gun in the way I’d shown him before we left. 

“End this,” I decided. 

There were a few different ways this could go, and none of them looked that good for me. I had to shut down the simulation before everyone in Abnegation died. I had to shut down the simulation and stop my friends from becoming murderers. They aren’t killers, they shouldn’t be killers. _I_ am the killer. _I_ am already a murderer. 

I walked towards the elevator, reaching down to haul one of the dead guards in with me and lay him on the floor. I pressed the button for the eighth floor, silently thanking the Divergent guard who sent me there. Using the end of my gun, I pushed open the maintenance hatch in the top of the elevator and climbed up. I’m not sure what kind of plan this was, but it was reckless, it was impulsive, and it could get me killed. 

Which is exactly why it was an Alyssa Jones plan. 

Two guards stood ready when the elevator doors opened, and they walked in, their faces blank as they looked around to find out where I was. That was when I dropped down from above with a knife in hand, silently slitting one throat and sticking a blade through the neck of another. 

“Surprise, bitch,” I whispered, as both of them dropped like stones but somehow as they did so, I managed to land on my feet. I slung one gun over my shoulder and slipped another into my holster. 

Three more guards appeared from the left corridor, and I resisted the urge to run down the opposite corridor to evade them, standing my ground as I tossed a knife at one of them and shot the two others, even though the sound could attract more guards. 

They came from the left, which meant the control room was on the left. 

I ditched the gun I had just fired with in favour of one with a full clip from a fallen soldier, spinning a knife in my free hand and ignoring the tugging in my shoulder with each movement from where I split my stitches. There was only one door and I pushed it open, greeted with a wall made entirely out of screens. Each one showed a different part of the city. I could see the fence, the Hub, the streets in the Abnegation sector, the ground level of the building below us, the elevator I just came from. 

One of the screens was filled with lines of code running faster than I could read, and I assumed that was the simulation. In front of the screens, facing away from me, sat a Dauntless soldier. 

But it wasn’t any Dauntless soldier. 

“Bellamy.”


	22. Shed A Tear For Each Soul Set Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it kinda all comes down to this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from baby outlaw by elle king

Bellamy turned around in his chair, his eyes dark as he reached for his gun. He still didn’t recognise me. “Drop your weapon, or I’ll shoot,” he warned, giving me an out. I took it, laying my gun down, and the subsequent guns I had taken from the other soldiers. “Drop it,” he ordered, raising his voice.

“I did, it’s down,” I raised my hands in surrender, wincing as my shoulder decided now was a good time to remind me I got shot a few hours ago. “Bellamy, you’re in a simulation. You need to wake up.” 

The rational part of my brain said “Hey Lyss, don’t let your boyfriend shoot you!” and for once I listened to it, throwing myself forwards and grabbing hold of his wrist to aim the gun at the wall when he pulled the trigger. If Bellamy didn’t want to listen, that’s fine, but I was destroying this simulation whether he liked it or not. I tried to aim his gun at the computer but he wrenched it back and aimed it at me. Another bullet slammed into the wall behind my head and I kicked him in the ribs, determined to force him to drop the gun. 

As soon as he let it go, I dived for it, but he didn’t give me enough time and threw me to the side before I could reach it. I looked up at him for a second before his fist connected with my jaw, sending sparks behind my eyes as I backed away from him, raising my hands to protect my face. I knew each move he made as he made it, and I just about managed to keep up with him, ducking and dodging and throwing punches as much as I could. He trained me, he is the reason I can fight, can hold my own against people like Echo. But that exact same reason is why I couldn’t beat him. 

He was in there, I knew it. He _had_ to be. 

Bellamy yanked me to the side, smacking my head into the wall. 

“Bellamy,” I pleaded, “Listen to me.” I dodged another punch as he smacked me against the wall again, pain sparking in my shoulder like I’d been shot again, even though it was just the force of impact against the original bullet wound. “Your name is Bellamy Blake, right?” His eyes flickered as I brought my elbow up, but he pushed it away before I could land a hit. “Your faction is Dauntless.” I pushed him away from me as his hands reached for my throat, “But it used to be Abnegation.” He punched me in the stomach and I doubled over, cringing away from him as I choked out the words and blocked another punch. 

I rolled over, just in time to avoid a blow that would’ve hit my jaw. _Again._ “My name is Alyssa Jones. You know everything about me.” I pushed myself to my feet before he could kick me. “You’ve seen inside my head. I have four fears. Drowning, myself, claustrophobia— just like you— and losing the people I love.” Bellamy threw me into the wall and I slid down against it, my head spinning. “Bellamy, you _know_ me. Please.” My hand curled around the gun but I couldn’t shoot him, I couldn’t. Even when I faced him and he looked like he wanted to drop kick me off the side of the building, I still saw the person who caught me on the ferris wheel. I still saw the person who saved me in the chasm. I still saw _Bellamy._ “I’m not going to lose you— I can’t, I _won’t_ — and I’m not going to watch anyone else I love die.” I held the gun between us, panting, breathless, looking for any other option. 

Huh, I guess we skipped straight to Plan D.

I turned the gun around, pressing it into his hands. “I’d rather die than lose you.” I felt the bullet click into the chamber against my forehead. “I forgive you. It’s okay,” I whispered, my face hot as tears clouded my vision. I closed my eyes, waiting for the bullet.

But it never came. 

“Bellamy, it’s okay,” I said quietly. 

But I was still alive. 

He didn’t move, staying perfectly still apart from his racing heart and shaking hand as the gun rested against my head. So I moved for him, nudging the gun aside a little and pressing my head against his chest as I pulled Bellamy in for a hug. The simple action made his heartbeat skyrocket like mine did in his fear landscape, in the box, as he wrapped his arms around me and I heard the gun clatter to the floor.

“Lyss,” he whispered, pulling away from me only to press his lips to mine as his arms hung onto me for dear life, shaking as he lifted me off my feet for a moment.

Sobs shook my body as I buried my face in his shirt, wrapping my arms around him. “Thank god,” I laughed in disbelief, unsure of how on _earth_ that managed to work without either of us getting shot. “Thank god.” 

His eyes shone with tears. “How did you know that would work?”

“Just the right amount of faith,” I replied with a quiet laugh, unsure how much of what I said he actually heard. _Just the right amount of faith._

“Was I running the sim?” Bellamy turned around, looking at the screens until his eyes fell on the one showing the floor where I had left the others. He blinked, before spinning back to face me. “You brought my little sister?” 

“She brought herself, actually. And she also saved my life,” I told him. 

“You gave her a _gun_?” 

“She refused to go with the others! I thought at least I could keep her safe if I kept her with me.” My eyes flickered past his head and back to the screen, where Wells, Thelonious and Octavia were surrounded by Dauntless guards. “Bellamy, shut it down,” I pointed at the screen and he froze when he saw what was happening, before his hands hit the keys and he started typing. “Bellamy,” I insisted, “ _Faster_.” 

Octavia had her gun held out in front of her like she was determined to use it, her face unreadable as Bellamy typed furiously, trying to shut down the simulation. He pressed the screen again, and everyone went still. The Dauntless froze, before the room erupted in chaos. Some of them shoved each other, some of them went numb with shock as they processed everything that had happened, dropping to their knees. Bellamy pulled out the hard drive with the simulation data on, so they couldn’t run it again, and handed it to me for me to slip into my pocket.

Bellamy and I shot down the corridor and towards the elevator, pressing the button for the ground floor repeatedly even though it wouldn’t make it move any faster. As soon as the doors closed I leant against him, exhausted, as we descended the seven floors. “What now?” He asked, a hand wrapped around my waist.

“Amity,” I replied firmly. “That’s where some of the other Abnegation are. That’s where Murphy is.” Then it hit me. The adrenaline had worn off and I was forced to completely process everything I did to get to where I was now standing. “I shot him, I shot him. He could be dead, Bellamy, and it’ll be my fault. What if he’s dead? I can’t believe I shot him…” 

I had until the elevator reached the ground floor to compose myself ready to walk out to meet the others. Bellamy’s hand was warm in mine and I rested my head against his shoulder until the doors opened and we walked out into the crowd. It was busy, but we managed to locate Octavia and the two Jahas, one of which was locked in a tight embrace with none other than Clarke as she sobbed. Octavia shot towards us, throwing herself into Bellamy’s arms as he lifted her up and wrapped his arms around her. 

“What were you thinking, O?” He whispered, “You could’ve died?” 

“So could Alyssa if I wasn’t here,” she pointed out. 

I shrugged, “The girl presents a fair argument. Octavia can wield a frying pan like no one I’ve ever seen.” 

Octavia grinned at me as Bellamy set her down, before she sent a knowing look in his direction, an expression the Blakes seem to have perfected. “Besides,” she folded her arms, “I was being selfless, and I was being brave, and I was being like _you._ If you don’t want me running into danger then you shouldn’t be such a terrible influence. Mr ‘I’m not leaving my girlfriend even though she’s telling me to go and _not_ die’.” 

Bellamy spluttered, trying to find a response as I burst out laughing, clutching my stomach when it hurt to laugh anymore. Clarke peeled herself off Wells and locked eyes with me across the room, and I met her in the middle and threw my arms around her, despite the pain in my shoulder. 

“Are you coming with us?” I asked, “We’re going to Amity to lay low. Your mom’s already there.” 

“You met my mom?” She raised an eyebrow. 

“And Wells,” I nodded. “And Wells’ dad. Wells took a bullet out of my shoulder.” 

“Wells did _what?_ ” Clarke reeled back in shock, turning to Wells as he walked over. “You did _what?_ ” Then she seemed to catch the first part of the sentence and her eyes widened even more as she asked, “Alyssa, you got _shot_?” 

“Yeah,” I nodded, “And it hurt like a bitch.” 

Bellamy brought Octavia over, and snaked an arm around my waist when the pain began burning again from my shoulder. “We have to go, the train should be here any second.” Our group of six made our way through the crowd and towards the train tracks, and once again the train didn’t slow to allow us on. Bellamy swung himself in first, holding out a hand for Octavia to pull herself up with before helping me in. I pressed my back against the train wall, sliding down to the ground as he sat down next to me. 

Clarke was on the other side of the car, her head resting on Wells’ shoulder in an almost mirror image of the way I was sitting with Bellamy. Octavia held onto the bar on the wall and watched the city go by, able to appreciate the view now that we weren’t about to jump onto the top of a seven-story building. Thelonious’ eyes flickered between each of us, probably trying to do the maths and figure out how we were all still alive. I couldn’t blame him, my mind was attempting to do the same. 

I curled against Bellamy, “So that’s your dad,” I said quietly and he nodded. “I didn’t tell him you know yet, I thought that was your territory. Wells doesn’t know either.” 

“Thanks,” he sighed, his lips brushing the top of my head. “You nearly died today. I almost shot you.” 

“But you _didn’t_ ,” I reminded him, lifting his hand and placing it over my heart. “See? We’re not dead.” 

“Why didn’t you shoot me?”

“Losing you would be like losing a limb. It’d be like constantly drowning and not the simulation kind where I could wake up. I wouldn’t be able to live like that,” I replied. 

“I have something to tell you,” he whispered, leaning close to me. “I might be a little bit in love with you.” Bellamy smiled a little, lacing his fingers with mine. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you though.” 

I raised my eyebrow teasingly, “Really? That’s sensible of you. Maybe you should make a pros and cons list or something.” 

“Maybe I’m already sure,” he said, his nose brushing my jawline as he kissed me. “And I just don’t want to frighten you.” 

“ _Bellamy_ ,” I smirked, “You should know by now that you couldn’t scare me even if you tried.” 

“You’re right,” he replied with a laugh, “I love you. More than a little bit. Like a lot. I love you a lot.” 

“I think you know what I’m going to say already,” I teased, leaning towards him slowly. 

“I _think_ I want to hear you say it,” he smiled. 

“Fine,” I pressed my lips to his quickly, pulling away only to say the words. “I love you, Bellamy Blake.” 

—————————— _END OF PART ONE_ ——————————


	23. Wherever There Is You, I Will Be There Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BEGINNING OF PART TWO!!! love this fic sm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from silhouettes by of monsters and men

Gunshots filled my ears and Bellamy and I stood back to back, each with a gun of our own firing against the crowd that pushed forwards and tried to envelope us. Clarke was shooting into the crowd of Dauntless soldiers on my left, and Raven on my right, and we kept firing until the crowd dispersed. 

Until there was no one left. 

No one left but one. 

Murphy pushed his way forwards, staring at me. _Directly_ at me. His shirt was slowly turning red, covered in the blood that was leaking from two wounds next to each other on his shoulder. He pointed at me and suddenly I was back in that alleyway, gun level with his head. “You shot me,” he whispered, his face creased in pain before he collapsed to the ground dead. 

I shot upright, wiping the sweat from my forehead as I put my head in my hands. _It’s not real. It’s just a dream. It’s not real._

But it _was_ real. 

Because I shot him. 

I leant against the wall of the train, running a hand through my hair. _He might not be dead. Murphy is alive, and he is at Amity._ The only thought that kept me sane. I traced my hand down and along my shoulder, to where the ripped stitches were, and then down to my chest and over the tattoo. _Four fears._

The tattoo was partially visible now through a rip in my shirt, the bandage having disappeared at some point during the escape out of the city or any one of the fights I’d gotten into in the past twenty-four hours. It was of a gun on the right side of my chest, with four circular bullets between it and my heart. The first had a wave on it, for my fear of drowning. The second, a box, for my claustrophobia. The third, a blank gravestone, for my fear of losing people. The final one, the fourth one, was blank. The outlined circle of the factionless symbol. _My_ symbol. My past, my fears, _me_. The root of where it all started. The fear of myself, and what I’m capable of. 

“Hey,” Bellamy whispered, resting a hand on my good shoulder. “You still with me?” 

“‘Course,” I smiled, ignoring the pain. “Time to jump?” 

“Time to jump,” he confirmed. 

I looked outside, it was too dark to see anything, but Bellamy knew where we were going and I was able to take comfort in that. He held out a hand and I used it to pull myself upright. Somewhere, there was probably a list of things that _shouldn’t_ be done when you have a gunshot wound. I’m pretty sure I’ve done all of them in the last six hours alone. 

Thelonious was standing at the door with Wells, and Octavia and Clarke were deep in conversation about something as they got ready to jump. When Bellamy gave the signal, the Jahas went first and Octavia shot after, landing on the grass and rolling to disperse the force of impact. I nodded at Bellamy and he let go so we could jump alongside Clarke, and although hitting the ground hurt my shoulder, I didn’t say anything. 

The fence stood next to us so tall I could barely see the top in the darkness that surrounded us, but Bellamy walked straight to the gate. Thelonious looked up, his brow furrowing in confusion. “There should be guards here, why aren’t there?” 

“They were probably in the simulation so now they’re who knows where, who knows what.” I waved a hand dismissively, “I don’t really care.”

“They’re your faction,” he raised an eyebrow, “You should care.” 

“Faction before blood, I know, I know,” I groaned. “The list of people I actually care about, and the list of people I _should_ care about are a hell of a lot different in size.” 

Bellamy opened the keypad at the side of the gate and put in the code, “Here’s to hoping Erudite didn’t change it.” 

“How do you know the code?” Wells asked warily.

“I worked in the Dauntless control room, monitoring the security system. We only change the codes once a year,” he explained. 

“How lucky,” Wells drawled, his scepticism ever-present. 

Bellamy laughed, “Luck has nothing to do with it. I worked there so I’d know how to get out.” 

Thelonious pushed forward, taking the lead as we walked through the orchard. He led us towards a small light in the distance that grew larger as we got closer, until we finally reached the Amity compound. We walked straight through the front doors, and I wondered if Amity were too trusting or too foolish in not having any security. Not that I’d say that out loud. Dante Wallace, the polar opposite of his son the head of Dauntless, sat in an armchair by the window, and he stood up as soon as we walked in. 

“Thelonious,” he smiled, “We were getting worried. The other members of your party got here a few hours ago.” 

“My mom?” Clarke asked hopefully, “Abigail Griffin?” 

“Yes, I know who your mother is, Clarke. She’s been helping out in the hospital ward since she arrived, and we are very grateful to have her here,” Dante reassured her. “Oh,” he noticed the blood on my jacket from the gunshot wound. “Would you like me to send for a doctor to help you with that?” 

My first instinct was to say no, but Bellamy knew that already and he nodded appreciatively, “Yes, thank you.” 

“I can grant you all permission to stay the night,” Dante warned, “but tomorrow our compound will decide together whether you are allowed to stay any longer. My people may be apprehensive at the presence of Dauntless, given what happened. Of course, that also means you need to turn in any weapons you might have.” 

I handed over both guns, despite a sideways glance from Bellamy that told me to keep hold of one. Clarke did the same, and Wells and Octavia put theirs down on Dante’s desk. Bellamy handed over his, diplomatically but a tad reluctantly and Thelonious revealed he didn’t have any. 

“My name is Dante Wallace, for those of you who don’t already know,” Dante introduced himself, holding out a hand to Bellamy. 

He shook it, “Bellamy Blake. And here you have Alyssa, Clarke, Octavia, and I assume you already know the Jahas.” 

“I do, but it is nice to see them again, if only it were under better circumstances,” Dante sighed. “Welcome to Amity, let us take care of you.”


	24. This Is The Calm Before The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Howl by Jake Houlsby

An Amity nurse handed me a salve developed by Erudite to speed the healing of my shoulder, and Wallace led us to the cafeteria to see the other Abnegation. Well, that gesture was mostly for Thelonious, Clarke and Wells, to see the people in their old faction. Someone took Clarke to the hospital ward so she could see her mother, and I guessed it was a tearful reunion. 

A blonde blur crashed into me from the side, intensely apologetic when she found out I’d been shot, but that didn’t make me any less happy to see Harper. Monty and Jasper hovered off to the side, having stayed awake to keep her company but it was clear they felt like they’d be intruding if they came.

“Murphy,” I panted out, “He came with the Abnegation, shot twice. Is he alive?” 

“He’s sleeping,” Harper replied, “But he’s alive.” 

My knees buckled as I was overwhelmed with relief, but that wouldn’t stop me from reliving the moment. He almost might not have been. He could’ve died, and it would’ve been my fault. Harper sat me down on one of the benches and I rested my head on her shoulder, dizzy and exhausted. Monty appeared with a cup of something hot and red after a while, and handed it over. “Helps you sleep,” he explained. “No dreams.” 

No dreams? Sign me the fuck up.

“I’ll take it,” I thanked him, downing the cup in one go. As soon as the liquid slid down my throat, I began to relax, and Bellamy put an arm around me to keep me upright as Harper showed us to our rooms. I was out before my head even hit the pillow, collapsing onto the bed fully clothed. 

~

When I woke up, I lay flat on the bed for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling. The danger had passed, sort of. For now, for a short amount of time (unless Amity decided we couldn’t stay) we were safe. It was a weird concept, being safe. Living factionless was never safe. Dauntless was never really safe, but that was just how they were. Amity might be safe, but for how long… I couldn’t be sure. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts. 

The handle of a knife dug into my ribs when I turned over, and I realised I never took my jacket off. I hung it up on the edge of the bed before taking the hard drive out and putting it between the dresser and the wall for safekeeping. On one hand, destroying it would prevent Erudite from running the simulation again— at least until they managed to perfect it again— but on the other hand, it was the only proof that they had orchestrated the attack on Abnegation, and not the Dauntless. 

Someone knocked on the door and I flopped back onto the bed before replying, “It’s open.” 

Bellamy pushed it open slowly, leaning against the doorframe as he folded his arms. “Hey.” He was wearing a red t-shirt, instead of the black Dauntless ones I was so used to seeing him in and I almost did a double-take. “The Amity are meeting in half an hour,” he raised an eyebrow and added with a touch of melodrama, “ _To decide our fate.”_

I scoffed, “Well that’s not ominous at _all_.” 

He closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed next to me, “I know we’re supposed to trust them, but they have all of our guns. What happens if we need to make a quick getaway?” 

“Who needs guns?” I grinned, lifting up a finger to silence him for a second as I reached over and tapped my jacket in the right place to allow three precariously placed knives to fall out and hit the floor with a small clang. “And that ain’t even a _third_ of my stock.” I rolled over the bed to put them back in as I laughed. 

“I knew I was right to have faith in you,” he laughed, grinning as he leant in for a kiss.

I shrugged, “What can I say? I like knives,” before returning the kiss and leaning against him. 

“How are you holding up?” Bellamy asked, a note of seriousness in his voice. 

“I’m going to visit Murphy later,” I replied as if that was a good enough answer. 

He sighed, “He’s going to be okay, Lyss. You didn’t kill him.” 

“I still shot him,” I pointed out. “What if he hates me?” 

“He won’t hate you,” Bellamy reassured me. “And even if he does, at least he’s alive, so he’ll get over it eventually.” 

My head lolled against his shoulder as I buried my face in his new shirt. “I love you,” I sighed, my voice muffled by the fabric. 

“What was that?” He teased, “Couldn’t quite hear you.” 

I pulled away, looking up at him as I rolled my eyes and tried to stop the smile spreading across my face, “I said I love you, asshole.” 

“Okay I _definitely_ don’t think you added that last part the first time around.” He wrapped an arm around me, resting his head on top of mine. 

“How would you know?” I retorted, “Thought you didn’t hear it.” 

“Touché,” he laughed. “By the way, I love the tattoo.” Bellamy patted his shirt where his tattoo was. “I was worried that you’d double-cross me and make it a giant dick at the last minute, but luckily you’re a good person.” 

At that I burst out laughing, “I don’t think anyone’s ever said that about me. Besides, I had the idea and I couldn’t _not_ run with it. You really like it?” 

He pulled his shirt down slightly so I could see how it turned out. A small ferris wheel. _The_ ferris wheel, to be specific. “It’s perfect,” he whispered before kissing me. “Our ‘death trap wheel of doom’.” 

“I thought you hated that name?” 

“It’s growing on me,” he shrugged, pulling something out of his pocket. “Pain meds. Take a dropperful every six hours. I’ll leave you to get ready.” 

~

The pain meds had already kicked in by the time I’d finished in the shower. The water was freezing, and it definitely woke me up a little. I kept my jacket hanging by the bed, but changed into the clothes left out by the Amity when I returned to my room. The light plaid shirt was a little big, and I had to roll up the sleeves, but the dark red denim pants were just about the right length. 

Another knock on the door, this time from Harper, and I opened it to let her in. She didn’t ask if because of my shoulder, I needed help with my shoes or my hair, because she knew me well enough to know I probably wouldn’t accept it. Instead, she got to work straight away, pulling strands of my hair into a quick braid off my face, and tying the laces of the boots I had kept from Dauntless. She raised an eyebrow when she noticed the edge of a small blade sticking out of the inside of my left boot, but she didn’t comment on it directly. 

Instead, in a way only Harper could, she stated the facts in a way I was forced to listen to them. “You’re safe here, Lyssa. You don’t need to fight anymore.” 

“Unless we get kicked out,” I pointed out, “We don’t exactly _want_ to bring the fight to you guys.” 

“There’s a difference between bringing the fight to us, and looking for safe passage,” Harper shrugged. “Anyway, we wouldn’t deny you help.” 

She took me out to meet the others, and Octavia was deep in conversation with Jasper about something when I saw them. Monty was talking animatedly to Clarke and Wells, and Bellamy smiled when he noticed me and Harper, and linked his hand with mine so we could go to the greenhouse for the meeting.

The greenhouse was baking hot inside, and even though there were dozens of fans around the room they did nothing but disperse the heat that was already there. In the centre of the greenhouse was a large tree, and on some of the roots was where Dante Wallace was standing. The Amity sat cross-legged on the floor, relaxed and at home, while the Abnegation sat in stiff rows on the other side.

“We have before us today an urgent question,” Dante announced. “Which is: How will we conduct ourselves in this time of conflict, as people who pursue peace?” 

Each of the Amity started talking amongst themselves, and I tried not to look too uneasy about it. “How the hell does anything get done? Everyone’s all talking at once.” 

“They don’t care about efficiency,” Clarke explained quietly. “They care about agreement. Look.” 

The people had broken into small circles, which slowly got larger as more and more Amity had similar views until they were all talking about similar things. When they had finished, a representative from each group stood up and made their way towards Wallace. 

“Weird,” I pointed out. 

Bellamy laughed a little, “They each have an equal role in government; they each feel equally responsible. And it makes them care; it makes them kind. I think that’s beautiful.” 

“I think it’s a miracle that they manage to make decisions,” I replied under my breath. 

When the representatives finished convening with Wallace, they sat back down and left him to be their spokesperson with the final result. “Our faction has had a close relationship with Erudite for as long as any of us can remember. We need each other to survive, and we have always cooperated with each other,” Wallace said proudly, “But we also have a strong relationship with Abnegation and we would never want to turn our backs on that. The only way to preserve our relationships with both factions is to remain impartial and uninvolved, however your presence here— though welcome— complicates that.” 

“Were so screwed,” I muttered. 

Bellamy nudged me with his arm, a small smile on his face. “Hey, have a little faith.” 

“We have arrived at the conclusion that we will establish our faction headquarters as a safe house for members of all factions,” Wallace decided. “Under a set of conditions. The first is that no weaponry of any kind is allowed on the compound. The second is that if any serious conflict arises, whether verbal or physical, all involved parties will be asked to leave. The third is that the conflict may not be discussed, even privately, within the confines of this compound. And the fourth is that everyone who stays here must contribute to the welfare of this environment by working. We will report this to Erudite, Candor, and Dauntless as soon as we can.” 

I watched as his stare drifted over to where we were sitting, and I raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to finish. 

“You are welcome to stay here if— and _only_ if— you can abide by our rules,” he warned. “That is our decision.” 

I thought back to my outburst in Diana Sydney’s office, the knife in my boot, and the knives in my jacket back at my room. We weren’t really safe here. We wouldn’t be. I turned to the side to whisper to Bellamy, “We can’t stay here, not for long.” 

“I know,” he replied gravely.


	25. Underneath Our Bad Blood, We’ve Still Got A Sanctum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where am I?'
> 
> "Heaven."
> 
> "Huh, didn't think you'd be here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from trainwreck by james arthur

Later that evening, Clarke showed me to the hospital ward where she had met her mother, and I hovered in the doorway as she left, watching the rows of beds. Some of them were filled with Abnegation, injured in the attack. Others with Amity, sick or sleeping, and then finally on the bed at the end, by the window, lay Murphy. 

I took a deep breath and walked towards the end bed, leaning against the wall when I arrived. “Hey,” I said quietly, and he looked up from where he had been turning a similar bottle to the pain meds I had been given over in his hands. 

“Lyss,” he broke into a grin, and I sighed in relief. Murphy held up the medication and winced as he did so, making me instantly feel guilty. “Where am I?” He asked groggily. 

“Heaven,” I replied, my voice laced with sarcasm.

“Huh,” he blinked. “Didn’t think you’d be here.” 

I swatted him in his good arm, “Nice to see your sense of humour is still intact. And this is _Amity_ , by the way.”

“Figured,” he smirked. “They’re all really nice. It’s unnatural. Anyway, it’s good to see you.”

“You don’t hate me?” 

He pulled a face, “Why would I hate you?” 

“I _shot_ you?” I suggested, gesturing to the wound. 

Murphy shrugged, “Oh, _that._ ” He said it in such an off-hand way I laughed, rolling my eyes at the casualness of the whole situation. “I mean, I _was_ trying to kill you. It hurts like hell, but I’m fine. Have you seen Raven? I thought I saw Clarke.” 

“I don’t know where Raven is,” I revealed. “Or Miller. I found Clarke after Bellamy and I shut down the sim, but I didn’t see them.” 

“Bellamy?” He raised an eyebrow suggestively. 

“Blake,” I clarified. 

His grin got wider, “Ah, I didn’t have time to ask you about that. I’m guessing that kiss at the banquet wasn’t just a spur of the moment thing?” 

I rolled my eyes, “Shut up…” 

“So when you came back at four in the morning after spending all that time with _Blake_ , you weren’t really training that whole time, were you?” Murphy waggled his eyebrows. 

“Shut up,” I laughed, glad to feel like things were almost back to normal. “Anyway, I’m not the only one with a secret. How long were you crushing on Raven, and _why_ didn’t I know?” 

He pulled a face, “We’re not turning this into a conversation about feelings.” 

“Fair enough,” I smiled, “But Raven will be alright. She’s resourceful, and smart as hell.”

“So, I heard I wasn’t the only one that got shot?” Murphy mused, nodding his head at my shoulder. 

I shrugged, “McCreary. After I shot him in the leg, though. Should’ve aimed higher.” 

Murphy laughed, “You should’ve _definitely_ aimed higher. What happened after that?” 

“Well, I almost killed Diana Sydney but missed, then she drugged Blake and put him in a sim, then she ordered for me to be executed, but Blake’s little sister appeared out of fucking nowhere, hit the guy with a frying pan, and saved my life. Yeah, I know, right? I was pretty surprised too,” I laughed, noticing the expression on his face. “I was on my knees, waiting to be shot in the head, bleeding out from a gunshot wound in my shoulder, and I hear this _thud_ , turned around and the soldier is just unconscious behind me, Octavia Blake is standing over him wielding a frying pan.” 

“She _wasn’t_.” 

“She was. You can imagine how surprised I was. And then I realised that there was absolutely _no_ way she could die, so I was like ‘fuck, we have to get out of here’. Then we got chased by some soldiers, and you showed up, fully ready to shoot her, so I had to shoot you. But damn, you just kept going, blood pouring out and you still tried to shoot me, so I had to shoot you again. And then Octavia just raised that wonderful frying pan of hers, and _shit_ , this thing must have been industrial strength, because it’s got a bullet dent or two in it by now, but that doesn’t stop her from swinging it around and thwacking you in the back of the head with it.” 

“That would explain the headache,” Murphy laughed.

“So we dragged you to meet the other Abnegation, they took the bullet out of my shoulder and stitched me up, same with you, parted ways with your group because they were going straight to Amity, and I brought both Jahas with me, and Octavia, to go to Dauntless and shut down the sim. But we had to go in the back way. The _jumping off a building_ back way. Long story short, I found Blake, brought him out of the sim and he shut down the whole thing. Then we grabbed Clarke and got the hell out of there.” 

He sat there, amused, trying to find a way to comment on the story. “Wow. You’ve been busy.” 

“Very,” I laughed. “I’m never doing that again, it was _exhausting._ And I split my stitches taking out some of the guards.” 

A silhouette passed the window and I peered through to see Thelonious and Wallace deep in conversation as they walked around the grounds. Murphy noticed my change in expression and quirked an eyebrow, “What?” 

“I’m curious,” I replied, “I’ll be right back.” 

He laughed, “I won’t wait up.” 

I darted through the building in an attempt not to lose them, and when they passed one row of trees to get into the orchard, I followed them slightly further away, half-able to still listen to their conversation. 

“...been confused about is the timing of the attack,” Wallace revealed. “Is it just that Diana finally finished planning it, and acted, or was there an inciting incident of some kind?” Thelonious pressed his lips together, unable to provide an answer as Wallace watched him carefully. “I suppose we’ll never know,” he raised an eyebrow, “Will we?” 

“No, perhaps not.” 

Wallace smiled, his lips curling up as he observed Jaha. “But you _do_ know,” he pointed out. “You know why she attacked when she did. I may not be Candor anymore, Thelonious, but I can still tell when someone is keeping the truth from me.” 

“Inquisitiveness is self-serving, Dante,” Thelonious replied calmly, and if that comment was intended to needle Wallace he didn’t show it. 

“My faction depends on me to advise them, and if you know information this crucial, it is important that I know it also so that I can share it with them. I’m sure you can understand that.” 

Jaha stiffened, “There is a reason you don’t know all the things I know. A long time ago, the Abnegation were entrusted with some sensitive information. Diana attacked us to steal it. And if I am not careful, she will destroy it, so that is all I am able to tell you.” 

“But surely—” 

“No,” he cut Wallace off. “This information is far more important than you can imagine. Most of the leaders of this city risked their lives to protect it from Diana and lost their lives the same way. I will put none of my people in danger for the sake of satisfying your selfish curiosity.” 

I blinked, there are ways you talk to the leader of Amity, and then there’s the way Jaha just went about things. Hell, even I knew that. Wallace fell quiet, his brow creased in thought for a moment. 

“I’m sorry, Thelonious, if I have done something to make you believe I am not trustworthy.” 

“The last time I trusted a faction representative with this information, all my friends were murdered,” Jaha replied flatly. “I don’t trust anyone anymore.” 

Wallace nodded in understanding, “In order to have peace, we must first have trust. So I hope you change your mind. Remember that you and I have always been friends, Marcus.” 

Initially, I had thought that Diana Sydney planned to overthrow Abnegation for power, not information. Then again, in a very Erudite way of looking at things: information _is_ power. I had to know what Abnegation would die for, and what Erudite would kill for.


	26. So Thank You Or Whatever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from The Let Go by Elle King

I made my way to Bellamy’s room, desperate to talk about what I had overheard. What I _didn’t_ expect was for him to be throwing a party in there. Well, not exactly a party, but Bellamy, Wells, Monty, and Jasper, were all crammed into the small room. I could hear their voices through the door as I waited outside for a moment before knocking. 

“Not like _that_ ,” Bellamy laughed. 

Wells seemed horrified, “What do you mean ‘not like that’? My impression of you is spot on!” 

“Well, do it again then,” Bellamy challenged. 

“Or we could all agree that mine is superior,” Jasper pointed out, “I feel like that’s a better solution so none of us have to listen to _that_ again.” 

“You’re Amity! You’re not supposed to make me feel bad!” Wells complained as I opened the door. 

I raised an eyebrow as I looked around the small room. Monty and Jasper were crammed onto the bed, and Bellamy and Wells were leaning against the wall next to the bed, Bellamy with a butter knife in his hand. As I pushed the door open, it flew from his hand and into a hunk of cheese they’d positioned on top of the dresser. Jasper’s mouth dropped open and Monty took the opportunity to shove a piece of his own cheese into it. 

Wells stared at the cheese, and then turned his attention to me. “Is he some kind of Dauntless prodigy? Or can you do this too?” 

I laughed as Wells shifted to the side to allow me to sink down between the two of them, “Yes.” 

“To the first or second question?”

Bellamy grinned, “Both, probably.” 

Laughing, I nodded, “Yeah, both. He was top of his class, and he only has four fears.” 

“You’re forgetting to mention that you were _also_ top of your class,” he pointed out. “And you _also_ only have four fears.” 

“What’s going on in here, and why wasn’t I invited?” I joked, “You know how much I like knives. And throwing them.” 

“Jasper came by to talk about something, Monty happened to be holding cheese at the time, and Wells heard the laughter from outside and decided to join us,” Bellamy explained. “Knife-throwing just came up somehow.” 

“You know, because it normally comes up in normal conversation,” Wells added sarcastically. 

“If you knew us, you’d know that is _exactly_ what comes up in normal conversation at Dauntless. And with me in general,” I shrugged. “I like knives.” 

“So you’ve said,” Monty raised an eyebrow. 

Jasper pulled a face, “At least talking about knives is better than these two—” he gestured to Wells and Monty— “Talking my ear off about the hydroponic farm non-stop. I mean, don’t get me wrong Monty, I love that for you, and that place is a _beauty_ , but this was a refreshing break.” 

“I’m reading this book about the water-filtration system,” Wells shrugged. “It was probably supposed to be a repair manual but it’s really fascinating. And talking to Monty about it as well was probably the highlight of my day.” 

Monty grinned, “I can show you around if you want.” 

“When?” Wells asked excitedly, “I’m free whenever.” 

“Now works,” he suggested, standing up. “Besides, we’re all out of cheese.” 

Jasper sighed, following them out of the door, “I’m going to check on the moonshine and find Harper.” 

Which left Bellamy and I alone in his room. I leant against him, “So, what did Jasper come to talk to you about?” 

“I think he’s crushing on Octavia, but he came under the guise of asking for dating advice in _general_ , so I told him how we got together— that’s how the knife-throwing came up— and I’m pretty sure none of my advice applies in a non-death-defying scenario, which is pretty good considering I haven’t got a good enough opinion of him to decide if he’s good enough for her yet,” Bellamy explained. 

I smirked, “Ah, sweep her off her feet by waiting for her to do something incredibly stupid and saving the day when it goes horribly wrong, dating one-oh-one, am I right?” 

He laughed, “I don’t think that’s _exactly_ how it went. Does kidnapping fall under ‘doing something incredibly stupid’?” 

“I was thinking more along the lines of you following me up that death-trap wheel of doom and catching me before I fell to my untimely demise. And then catching me again before I fell into the chasm… you know, the little things,” I said. “I guess I literally fell for you, huh.” 

Bellamy’s cheeks flushed, “Who’s to say I didn’t fall first?” I turned towards him and pressed my lips to his while his hand moved around my back. After a few seconds, he pulled back. “I don’t think this is what you came here for. I mean, I’m not complaining, but…” 

“You’re right,” I whispered, “It isn’t.” 

“What _did_ you come for, then?” 

“Does it matter?” I ran my fingers through his hair and drew his mouth towards mine again. He smirked, kissing along my jawline before mumbling my name. “Alright, fine,” I sighed, leaning against him to explain what I had overheard. I started with spotting Thelonious and Dante out of the hospital ward window and told him everything that I had heard while eavesdropping, finishing with “What do you think?” 

“I think we go ahead as planned, find out where the other Dauntless are and regroup. Yes, we should find out what’s going on, but not before we take down Erudite. We’re not safe until Sydney is gone.” 

He was probably right, but I couldn’t help the nagging feeling that the information Abnegation had was important. And if the information was important, that made it very, _very_ dangerous.

~

The next morning, I sat opposite Octavia, Wells, and Murphy. Clarke was being shown the ropes by Monty for whatever task she’d been assigned, and Bellamy had been assigned kitchen duty during breakfast. My assignment was the laundry room with Wells, and it started tomorrow. Octavia had volunteered to help with some of the younger Amity, and Murphy was exempt because his healing wasn’t as far along as mine, but at least he could sit and eat with us. 

“So,” Murphy tried to make conversation. “Little Blake, I heard you hit me with a frying pan?” 

Wells almost choked on his toast, washing it down with a glass of freshly squeezed juice. “Octavia?” 

Octavia shrugged, “And what of it? It worked, didn’t it?” 

I laughed, “It definitely did.” 

“Thanks for that, by the way,” Murphy raised an eyebrow, “It hurt.” 

“As much as getting shot?” Octavia asked in response, cutting back in before he could reply. “Didn’t think so. You’re alive, aren’t you? Take your concussion and be happy about it.” 

Wells chose not to take another piece of toast for fear of choking, and smirked into his glass as he raised it again, despite the fact that there wasn’t anything left in it. “She’s definitely the more sarcastic Blake.” 

“I don’t know,” I countered, “You should’ve seen him talking to Sydney. She was all proud of herself, and he was like ‘consider me _awed_ ’, completely unbothered by the whole thing. If I wasn’t bleeding out in her tacky office chair, I would’ve been laughing.” 

“The question is,” Murphy narrowed his eyes at Octavia, “Who gets it from who?” 

Wells nodded in approval, “You’re asking the real questions there.” 

Octavia pulled a face, “Don’t I get a say in this?” 

“Of course not,” Wells replied with a shrug, “Your opinion would be biased.” He turned to me, “I saw Bellamy’s knife demonstration last night, I’m still waiting for yours.” 

I shrugged, “I’d do it here, but first of all, we’re not supposed to have weapons, and second of all, it would draw too much attention. Orchard, later.” 

“I’m holding you to that,” he warned. 

“Good, I need some target practice,” I replied, grinning. 

Wells glanced at Murphy, “You’ve seen them both in action, right? Who’s better?” 

“It’s tough, you’re really testing me here. I think the real question is, who’s competitive enough to aim their next knife at _me_ if I don’t name them as being better,” he laughed, ignoring the scowl I sent in his direction. “Alright, alright. Well, I’ve seen Lyss throw knives against a target, and she hit the bullseye every time. But I’ve also seen Blake throw knives against a target, inches from hitting Lyss, so I’m not sure if he has better aim or not.” 

Octavia raised an eyebrow, “My brother threw knives at you?” 

“In my defence, I was taking the fall for someone else,” I shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal of it. 

“Me. I’m someone else,” Murphy clarified. “McCreary was being a dick and decided he wanted Blake to throw knives at me, and Alyssa made him angry so she took my place and he was forced to throw knives at her instead— and she wasn’t allowed to flinch.” 

Wells quirked an eyebrow, “How very Dauntless of you.” 

“It’s not that hard not to flinch,” I pointed out. “You just focus on something else.” 

“Not that,” he shook his head. “It’s in the Dauntless manifesto?” Wells rolled his eyes at my blank look, “God, read your own damn manifesto. I’ve read it, and I’m not even Dauntless!” 

“No, you’re Erudite,” I replied pointedly. “Go on, explain. I know you want to.” 

“In the Dauntless manifesto, it says ‘we believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another’. That’s what you did, that’s all,” Wells explained. 

I paused, repeating the quote in my mind to commit it to memory. “Not bad. I like that.” 

Wells’ eyes fell on something behind me and I turned around to see who it was, my shoulder twinging. Bellamy marched out of the kitchen looking more than a little uncomfortable as he sat down on my right. “Bellamy,” Wells asked, “Can I talk to you?” 

“What’s up?” I frowned, wondering what had happened in the kitchen to make him look so hassled. 

“Let’s just say in their enthusiasm for conflict resolution, the Amity have apparently forgotten that meddling creates _more_ conflict,” Bellamy said bitterly. “If we stay here for much longer, I am going to punch someone, and it’s not going to be pretty.” 

Wells raised his eyebrows, retracting his question silently as Octavia rolled her eyes. Murphy continued to eat his breakfast, unbothered by the situation. On the table next to us, a couple of Amity stopped talking to stare at him. Bellamy noticed, speaking directly to them. 

“You heard me,” he said to them, and they instantly ducked their heads away.

“Okay,” I covered my mouth to hide my smile. His response was exactly something _I_ would do. “Do you want to tell me what happened now or later?” 

“I’ll tell you later,” he resolved.

Barely two minutes later, Thelonious appeared, and I felt Bellamy tense up next to me. _Oh._ So that’s what he meant about conflict resolution. The Amity must have known that Bellamy was Jaha’s other son in the same way that Sydney had known. Which would also explain why Wells wanted to talk to him. 

“Hello,” he greeted us calmly, not making direct eye contact with Bellamy, Octavia, _or_ Wells, and instead choosing to look directly at me. Either I was the only person he felt comfortable talking to— _unlikely_ — or he knew I was eavesdropping last night. “I would like to discuss something with you.” 

With me? Or with us? “And what is that, exactly?” 

“The other Abnegation and myself have discussed it and decided that we should not stay here. We believe that, given the inevitability of further conflict in our city, it would be selfish of us to stay here while what remains of our faction is inside that fence. We would like to request that you escort us,” he revealed. 

I raised an eyebrow, “Is that so?” I turned to Bellamy, “What do you think?” 

“I think we should leave the day after tomorrow,” Bellamy decided. 

“Okay. Thank you,” Thelonious nodded, returning to the table with the other Abnegation on. 

I reached for Bellamy’s hand under the table, squeezing it reassuringly because there wasn’t much else I could do to help. He squeezed it back, and leant his head on my good shoulder in exhaustion.


	27. Dancin’ To The Rhythm Of The Radio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alyssa? high? not on purpose, that's for sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from the kids are alright by Barns Courtney

At breakfast, I made a promise to Wells to show him how good I was with a knife. Which is why, before the sun went down, a small group consisting of myself, Wells, Bellamy, Octavia, Jasper and Monty, made our way to the orchard. I slipped my old Dauntless jacket on before we left, ignoring a couple of the stares I got from some of the Amity from wearing it. 

Some of my knives I left in my room, in case something happened and I needed to ditch the jacket. Can’t exactly leave all your weapons in one place, can you? Even in a place like Amity, they are too relaxed. Zero security, too much trust. Erudite could walk right in looking for us and Wallace would probably welcome them with open arms. I slipped a knife out of the jacket, throwing it up in the air and catching it by the handle, grinning at Bellamy. 

He seemed preoccupied, and I couldn’t blame him, but he returned the grin either way. 

“Right,” I glanced at Wells, “Pick an apple.” 

“What?” He frowned, “What do you mean?” 

I gestured vaguely to the trees around us, “Pick. An. Apple.” 

“Okay,” Wells looked at me weirdly, but I ignored it as he pointed at one. “The one on the end of that branch, the shiny one.” 

I tossed the knife up again and caught it, bouncing on the balls of my feet. “It takes a while to master aim, a hell of a lot of practice is involved. I could teach you, if you want.” 

“Stop stalling,” Octavia prompted, “You’ve got me interested.” 

I smirked, getting into position. “That apple right there?” I confirmed, and Wells nodded. I pulled my arm back and flicked the knife, it soared through the air, blade over handle, and wedged itself in the apple. The force sent the apple flying backwards, breaking free from the branch and flying up into the air, before hurtling towards the ground and into Bellamy’s hands. He caught it by the handle of the knife, inspecting it for a second before pulling the blade out and tossing the apple at Wells, who caught it, bewildered. 

“What?” Bellamy broke the silence, “More impressive than the cheese?” 

Monty whistled, “Definitely more impressive than the cheese.” 

Bellamy passed me back the knife and put his arm around me, “God, I love you.”

“Nice,” Octavia shrugged. “But I think it’s even more impressive how much you have Bell wrapped around your little finger.” 

“What can I say?” I turned around and smirked at her, “He’s smitten.” 

“You have no idea how right you are,” Bellamy grinned, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and resting his head on my good shoulder. 

“Well, I am too,” I whispered, just loud enough for him to hear as I tilted my head back and smiled at him. 

~

I woke up in a cold sweat. I didn’t remember the dream entirely, but I hated that I was still scared. Murphy was alive, I didn’t kill him, there was no reason to be scared. If it was about what happened in the past, I fought myself in the simulation and won, so _why am I still afraid?_ I swung my legs out of bed, reaching for the red hoodie that had been left for me at some point. I put it on over the top of the soft shirt that I had been sleeping in, one which was at least four sizes too big and trailed down below my knees. I curled up my fists in the long sleeves as I walked barefoot along the corridor to get to Bellamy’s room. I didn’t knock, but the creak of the door was enough to wake him. Bellamy looked up, his eyes adjusting to the darkness as he noticed me before he lifted up the covers and stuck out a hand to beckon me over. 

“Come on,” he prompted, a soft smile gracing his lips. “Get in.” 

I curled against him and he wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me towards his chest. “Bad dream?” he asked. I nodded, but I didn’t say why. “We’re alright, you know,” Bellamy whispered. “You and me. Okay?” I nodded again, relaxing finally. “Nothing else is alright. But we are.” I let my head fall against his pillow, and concentrated on the sound of his breathing. If all else was lost, at least he was alive. If all else was lost, at least we were together. “Sleep,” he insisted. “I’ll fight the bad dreams off if they come to get you.” 

“With what?” The corner of my mouth tugged into a smile. 

“My bare hands, obviously.” I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he was smiling a little, in the same way I found myself smiling whenever he said something like that. Before I started to drift off to sleep, I heard him whisper, “I love you, Lyss.” 

If there is a universe where I get tired of hearing him say that, I never want to visit it. 

“I love you too.”

~

The sun was at its highest point as I walked through the Amity compound with my hands in my pockets. My Dauntless boots were covered in mud, but I couldn't be bothered to clean them. The red hoodie ended just above the top of my shorts and although my bare legs were cold, I continued walking anyway. For some reason, my time working on laundry duty had left me slightly irritated, as the Amity girl who was working with me was hellbent on asking questions. Sure, they weren’t rude in nature, but she didn’t seem to know when to quit. That is, until I slammed the lid of a small box down so hard it cracked, and had to lean against the wall and stop myself from hitting something. Inquisitiveness I could handle, but inquisitiveness about why I joined Dauntless… that’s something I wasn’t willing to discuss.

I found myself in the orchard, weaving between the trees in some sort of daze with my fingers brushing against the bark of the trees as I passed each one. The moment I heard footsteps approaching behind me I spun around, fighting my first instinct to draw a knife because this was _Amity_ and that’s not how they do things here. An Amity man stood a few paces away, a smile on his face that I would’ve thought forced if he were in any other faction. 

“We heard there was an incident today, while you were on laundry duty?” He asked expectantly. 

I fought the urge to ask who “we” encompassed, but the question was answered for me as more footsteps crushed fallen leaves in the opposite direction the first man had arrived in. Instead, I raised an eyebrow and played dumb, “Was there?”

“You scared Keenan,” the first man elaborated, “With your temper.” 

“Ah, my temper,” I plastered a smile onto my face. “Shitty little thing, isn’t it? I’ll keep that in check from now on.” I turned away, clocking the figure closing in from my other side and walking away. “I’ll see you around.” 

“That’s not how we do things here at Amity,” he warned, but his tone had a lightness to it that I couldn’t take seriously. “We need you to come with us for a little while.” 

“Why?” I asked, hands curling into fists inside my loose hoodie pockets. 

“Just protocol,” he smiled. 

If we wanted to stay at Amity, we had to follow Amity protocol. “Of course,” I nodded at him. “Lead the way.” 

The other man walked on my other side, and the two of them led me inside a building and along a corridor. I looked up at the sign on one of the doors before they pushed it open and gestured for me to go inside. “CONFLICT ROOM”. A time-out? Really? God, that is so incredibly _Amity._

I half-expected one of the men to go, “And now we’re going to talk about our _feelings_.” To which I would reply, “I’d rather shoot something, actually.” 

Okay, maybe a small part of me would benefit from having a time-out. But it’s a _very_ small part. 

“Please, sit,” the older man asked, gesturing towards a stool in the middle of the room. “And we’ll discuss what happened.”

The rational part of my brain told me not to make matters any worse, so I sat. Why couldn’t they just let me work out my anger in the way I usually do: isolate myself in some form of training room and bury my fists in the punching bag? Sure, it isn’t _healthy_ , so to speak. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t _effective._

Something rustled behind me and I shifted my position on the stool so that I could look at it. The younger of the two men was rifling around a box on a counter behind me. I raised an eyebrow, “What _are_ you doing?” 

“I’m making tea,” he replied blankly. 

Just goes to show how different things were compared to Dauntless. At Dauntless, we fight. At Amity, we make _tea._ I decided in that moment that I couldn’t stay here longer than I had to. I wouldn’t survive. Everything was too calm, too peaceful, and whenever I spoke I felt as if I was supposed to be walking on eggshells not to disturb it. Being around the Amity went against every fibre of my being. They were nice people, I’d give them that, and it was refreshing to be around Harper again… but they were _too_ nice. _Too_ welcoming. _Too_ trusting. 

They shouldn’t be trusting me. I am a murderer.

They shouldn’t be trusting me. I shot my best friend. 

They shouldn’t be trusting me because McCreary was right: I _am_ a loose cannon. 

I thought of my own words, _“I am a complicated mess.”_

Lost in my own thoughts, I barely noticed the needle prick my neck, and the edges of my vision went blurry. I lifted my hand up to touch the injection sight, frowning. “What did—” 

“Sorry, we are just following protocol,” the man explained. “How are you feeling?” 

“I feel...” _Angry._ I’m always angry. _But not right now?_ No, angry isn’t right. I sort of feel… “Weird…” I laughed, “Kinda like I’m floating. Or balancing on a really wobbly tightrope.”

“Dizziness is a side effect of the serum. You may want to rest this afternoon,” he smiled. “You may leave now, if you like.” 

I stood up, swaying slightly as I reached for the wall to keep my balance, giggling uncontrollably at how bad I was at staying on my feet. Had I always been this clumsy? Before I reached the door I spun around dramatically, grinning. “Have you seen Bellamy?” At the mention of him, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, “Blake— he’s brilliant, isn’t he? I’m not sure why he likes me so much, I’m not exactly that nice, am I?” 

“Not most of the time, no,” the man laughed. “But I think you could be, if you tried.” 

“Thanks,” I giggled.

“I think he was looking for you earlier, he heard what happened in the laundry room.” 

“With Keenan,” I remembered, “I think I scared her a little. Wasn’t very nice, was it? And the laundry bin… I broke it, didn’t I? I don’t think it deserved that. Maybe I should’ve been more gentle…” I stumbled along the corridor, leaning against the wall. “Yeah, I’ll do that next time.” 

When I walked outside, everything almost seemed _more_ colourful, like the green on the trees wasn’t real, it had only been painted there to make it look brighter, like in that book I read once, where they painted the roses a different colour. I ran a hand through the tall grass, laughing as it tickled my wrist. I took a wrong step and almost crashed into someone, but when I realised it was only Murphy I wrapped my arms around his neck and we both hit the grass. “MURPHY!” I grinned. “How are you? Today’s a good day, isn’t it?” 

“What the fuck?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you high or something?” 

“High on life, my silly friend,” I tweaked his nose. 

Murphy stared back at me, “What the fuck?” He pushed himself up from the ground and held out a hand to pull me upright. I misjudged how strong he was and crashed into him again, almost sending us to the ground for the second time. 

“Oops,” I giggled. “My bad.” 

“I have no idea what’s going on, but I don’t like it,” he muttered under his breath, before putting on a smile and offering me his arm. “You want to find Blake?” 

“BELLAMY!” I squealed, “I love him, you know. He’s perfect.” 

“That’s nice,” Murphy replied flatly, until he spotted Bellamy coming back from the orchard. “Oh, thank god. There he is.” 

I looked up and spotted him, my face breaking into an even bigger grin. “BELLAMYYYYY!” I shouted, waving frantically as I let go of Murphy and bolted over to him. I took off from the ground, launching myself into the air and wrapping my arms around his neck, and my legs around his waist. Kind of like a koala. I giggled at the thought of myself as a giant koala. I’ve never seen a koala before. I wonder if they’d make good pets? 

Bellamy stumbled backwards slightly as I attached myself to him, but he didn’t fall, instead instinctively wrapping his arms around me to keep me from falling. “Lyss?”

“Something wrong,” Murphy panted when he caught up to us. “I found her like this. They broke Lyss.” 

“She isn’t _broken_ ,” Bellamy frowned, setting me on the ground and keeping his hand on my waist so I didn’t stumble. “What—” Before he could ask me whatever he was originally planning on asking me, I cut him off with a kiss, leaning my entire weight on him so much that he had to tighten his grip on me to stop me from falling. “What—” He tried to speak again, pulling away, and I almost didn’t let him. Unfortunately, he pressed a finger to my lips to stop me. “Alyssa, what happened to you? You’re acting like a lunatic. I heard what happened earlier, is this to do with that?” 

“With Keenan? I should apologise, have you seen her?” I wondered out loud, before realising he asked a question. “Oh, no one _did_ anything, Bellamy. They put me in a good mood, that’s all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you just _relax_ —” 

“I’m not going to kiss you. I’m going to get to the bottom of this,” he resolved, “Come on, we’re visiting Wallace. Thanks, Murphy.” 

“Dante! You know, he reminds me of the guy with the white hair who falls down the chimneys,” I giggled, swaying slightly. 

Bellamy looked at me blankly for a second, before sighing. “I’m going to have to carry you aren’t I?” 

I grinned even wider as he put an arm under my shoulders and another under my knees, lifting me up. I wrapped my arms around his neck, planting kisses all over it. “Bye Murphy!” I shouted back, waving at him over Bellamy’s shoulder. 

Murphy stood there, bewildered, before he waved back. 

Bellamy carried me towards the building where Dante worked, and into her office. When we arrived, Dante raised an eyebrow slightly at the sight, before Bellamy set me down. I waved at Dante, before Bellamy gave me a gentle nudge and I toppled backwards onto one of the chairs. “Hey!” I frowned. “That wasn’t very nice.” 

“What did you do to her?” Bellamy asked tersely, “What the hell did you do?” 

“ _That’s_ why you like me!” I finally figured it out. “Because you’re not very nice either! It makes so much more sense now.”

“Oh,” Dante watched me, and I shot a pair of finger guns at him. 

“You _broke_ her,” he prompted. “What the fuck did you do?” 

“She’s not _broken_ ,” Dante sighed. 

Bellamy raised an eyebrow, “Oh yeah? Watch this.” He turned to me, holding out a hand. “Lyss, c’mere?” 

I stood up, took one step forward, and tripped over my own feet, landing in his arms. I giggled as I looked up at him, “Look at that, I’m falling for you all over again.”

He sighed, “See? She can’t even walk in a straight line.”

“They must’ve given her too much,” Dante sighed. “She’s small, they probably didn’t take her height and weight into account.” 

“They must have given her too much of _what?_ ” Bellamy demanded. 

I rested my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck lazily. “You have a nice voice. You should talk more.” 

“Alyssa, please be quiet for a second.” 

“The peace serum,” Dante revealed. “In small doses, it has a mild, calming effect and improves the mood. The only side effect is some slight dizziness. We administer it to members of our community who have trouble keeping the peace.” 

Bellamy snorted, “I’m not an idiot. _Every_ member of your community has trouble keeping the peace, because they’re all human. You probably dump it into the water supply.” 

“If that were true, the incident this morning would not have happened,” he replied. “I’m sorry about the mistake in giving her too much, but that is all I am sorry about. It’ll wear off in a few hours. And if you and your friends would like to remain… untouched by our serum, you may want to avoid the bread.” 

“Thank you,” Bellamy called back, a hand steady on my back as I skipped every other step. 

“And Bellamy?” Dante asked before he left, “Indulge her, while it lasts. I haven’t known Alyssa very long, but I don’t think she’s been this happy in a while.” 

We walked out back into the Amity compound, and I twirled around, stumbling every few steps when I got too dizzy. “Where are we going?” I asked Bellamy. 

“Back to your room until this wears off.” 

“But I don’t wanna go back to my room, I want to go for a walk,” I marched off towards the field determinedly, leaving him trailing after me and cursing under his breath until he caught up.

“Fine,” Bellamy smiled, “Where do you want to go?” 

I hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Oh. Umm… everywhere.” 

“Everywhere?” 

“Everywhere,” I confirmed with a grin. “Will you come everywhere with me?” 

He laughed, “Sure, Lyss. Sure.” 

“You know what we should do?” I wondered out loud, lifting his hand and using it to twirl myself. “We should dance.” 

“There’s no music,” he whispered, pulling me close. 

“I know a song,” I replied, swaying us and taking the lead. “I heard it at a party once.” I tried to sing the lyrics I knew, and hum the ones I didn’t to keep time. 

_She came to me in robes of white_

_In the corner of my room_

_A spectre of the night_

_Silhouetted by the moon_

_We’re floating fast over traffic lights_

_Bearing down on blackened skies_

_Colours burst as I close my eyes_

_And she said_

_“Lay me down in golden dandelions,_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life,_

_Follow me into the dark”_

_And she said, “Lay me down in golden dandelions_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting”_

_A thousand pictures in my mind_

_In a painting of the past_

_I’m brushing over lines, and I’ll paint them all again_

_We’re floating fast over traffic lights_

_Bearing down on blackened skies_

_Colours burst as I close my eyes_

_And she said_

_“Lay me down in golden dandelions,_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life,_

_Follow me into the dark”_

_And she said, “Lay me down in golden dandelions_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting_

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting”_

I was too busy looking back and getting distracted by his face that my feet crossed over and I ended up flat on my back in the grass, a look of surprise crossing my face briefly. “This is your fault,” I announced. “I blame you.” 

“How is this my fault?” 

“You and your stupidly cute face with your stupidly cute freckles and stupidly cute curls distracted me,” I complained, giggling. “Be less cute and maybe I won’t fall over.” I held up my hand and when he reached out to pull me up, I tugged, _hard_ , and pulled him to the ground next to me as I exploded into a fit of giggles. I spread out on the ground, flopping my arms and legs out like a starfish, one of my arms hitting Bellamy square in the chest as I did so. He let out a small “oof” noise in surprise that made me laugh even harder. 

“What, are we going to stay here now?” He asked, turning his head to the side to look at me. 

“Yeah, walking’s a nightmare,” I decided, sighing loudly. I propped myself up on one elbow and Bellamy took that as an invitation to put an arm underneath my head before I plopped back down, leaning into him. I inhaled his shirt, breathing him in. “You know what you smell like?” 

“What?” 

“Safe.”

He quirked an eyebrow, “Elaborate?”

“Nope,” I grinned.

“Okay,” Bellamy laughed. 

I ran a finger along his face, joining the spaces between his freckles, “Your freckles kinda look like constellations. I just want to grab a pen and play dot-to-dot. But I won’t, ‘cause it might ruin your face. I’ll just imagine the constellations instead,” I mumbled, before closing my eyes and leaning against him. My eyelids felt heavy, but I didn’t want to be tired. I was having too much fun to be tired. 

“Go to sleep, Lyss,” Bellamy whispered, pressing a light kiss to my forehead.

I nodded, whatever I was about to say left forgotten as sleep pulled me under.


	28. There’s Blood On The Streets Of Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's only so long you can go without incident, right? amity was never gonna last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Worth It by Kodaline

I woke up with a headache, leaning against Bellamy, in the middle of a field. For a few seconds I wondered why we were in the middle of a field, but then it all came rushing back and I put my head in my hands and groaned. “That was the most _embarrassing_ day of my entire life. Kill me, please.” 

Bellamy yawned, pushing himself upright and grinning, “You sent finger guns to Dante Wallace.” 

“Thank you for reminding me,” I replied flatly, scowling at him.

“Thank god it’s finally worn off,” he sighed in relief, “Not that it wasn’t one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen,” Bellamy smirked, “But it’s nice to have you back.” 

I groaned again, “Ugh, I want to kill them.”

“Don’t bother, we’re leaving soon anyway,” Bellamy laughed. 

I stood up, “Why couldn’t I fight it? If I could fight the simulation serum, why couldn’t I fight the peace serum?” 

“Maybe in order to fight off the serum you have to _want_ to,” he replied as he brushed grass off the back of his shirt. 

“I definitely wanted to, I’m never living that down.” Did I want to? Or was it nice to just be happy, instead of angry? Peaceful, instead of spiteful? Forget about pain for a few hours?

Bellamy put an arm around me as we began to walk back towards the building we were staying in, “Sometimes people just want to be happy, even if it’s not real.” 

“You _might_ be right,” I said quietly. 

He raised his eyebrows in mock-horror, “Are you… _conceding_? Maybe that serum did some good after all. Aside from all the compliments you paid me, of course,” he grinned.

I scowled at him, “Like you needed an ego boost.” 

“That’s mean!” Bellamy complained, “But then again, I’m mean too, you know, that’s why I like you so—” 

“I hate you,” I groaned. “With a seething, _fiery_ passion.” 

“If you want me to take my stupidly cute freckles and leave, just say the word,” he raised his hands in surrender, grinning like crazy as I gave him a light shove, muttering under my breath. 

“ _Insufferable_.” 

~

The next day, when I went back to my bedroom after showering, I stared at the clothes left on my bed. _No way._ This had to be a joke, right? A yellow sundress was folded up and placed on my pillow, next to a pale red shirt. I raised an eyebrow, asking no one in particular, “You’re joking, right? This is a joke?” 

A dress is quite frankly the most impractical item of clothing. But there wasn’t anything else, and yesterday’s clothes were covered in grass and mud from my mid-afternoon nap in the field, so I didn’t have any other choice. “Goddammit, Harper,” I muttered, “I know this was you.” I put my Dauntless boots back on with it, but at this point they were more tan than black with the amount of mud on them. I grabbed the shirt and pulled it on top, doing up a few of the buttons and then tying the extra length of it around my waist. 

It didn’t have any pockets!

Who in their right mind would make an item of clothing without any pockets?

Sighing, I slid a knife into my boot and pulled out another to strap to my thigh just in case. I wasn’t hungry enough for breakfast so instead I walked towards the orchard, where I was surprised to find Octavia. She looked up when she saw me, or rather _down_ , since at the time she was hanging upside down with her legs over a tree branch. She swung herself down and landed firmly on her feet, brushing off a few leaves that had gotten stuck to her red denim shorts. 

“You like climbing trees?” I raised an eyebrow. She nodded, and a grin spread across my face. “Are you _competitive_?” 

“More than my brother, probably,” Octavia replied with a shrug. 

“Race you to the top?” 

She smirked, “Eat my dust.” 

We didn’t even decide on rules, because Octavia was already swinging herself up from one of the branches. I moved along to the next tree, finding my footing easily as I scrambled up, reaching for branch after branch. One of the branches wasn’t strong enough and it snapped, giving Octavia the lead. 

“Shit,” she gasped. 

“What?” I reached for a different branch, pulling myself up to the height she was at. “Fuck.” Cars. Solar-panelled cars. Solar-panelled _Erudite_ cars. “We have to warn the others.” 

Octavia got to the ground easily, but it took a bit of work for me since my shoulder was already throbbing from the exertion. We both hit the ground running and shot towards the cafeteria. She was through the doors first, slightly fitter than me and a lot less injured as she skidded to a halt. “Erudite,” she explained when she saw Bellamy. 

“Coming here?” His eyes widened. 

“We’re screwed, there’s not enough time to run,” I added.

“We don’t need to run,” Harper frowned, “This place has been established as a safe house— no conflict allowed.” 

Thelonious placed a hand on her shoulder, “How do you expect to enforce that without conflict?” 

Her expression hardened, and I caught a glimpse of the fire in her that Abnegation tried so hard to suppress. 

Bellamy folded his arms, “Then we’ll have to fight our way out.” 

I lifted up the edge of my dress to reveal the knife, “I have more.” 

He seemed to only just notice the dress, and Bellamy’s mouth formed a small “O” for a second until he composed himself and cleared his throat, “Nice dress.” 

“Thank Harper,” I shrugged. 

Harper pulled a face, “Guilty.” Before a light bulb seemed to go off in her mind, “Disguises— the Erudite don’t know for sure that you’re still here, if the Abnegation dress and act like Amity then you could probably convince them that you’ve already left.”

“McIntyre, you’re absolutely bloody brilliant,” I grinned. “I’m going to get more knives,” I announced. “And I’m not leaving without that damned jacket.” 

I went back to my room, grabbing the vials of healing salve and pain medicine and shoving them into the black jacket. I grabbed the hard drive and put it in a different pocket, cursing the entire time about the lack of pockets in dresses. I rolled the sleeves of the shirt down and slid a knife down each, strapping a few more to the side straps of my bra before cracking my knuckles and throwing the jacket over my shoulder to go to the dining hall. I stopped before I left the room, hesitating. 

If the Erudite found us, I will not hand over that simulation. 

Without a better idea, I pulled the hard drive back out of the pocket and grabbed the lamp from the bedside table, slamming it into it until it shattered so I could hide the other pieces of it. I stumbled back outside, jacket in hand. 

“You’re really not leaving that behind?” Bellamy asked, amused. 

I shrugged, “If you could find me another with the same number of pockets and holes in the lining so I can stash secret weapons in, then I’ll gladly ditch it. Unfortunately, since this is one of a kind, I’m not ditching it.”

He smirked, “You look pretty Amity in those clothes.” 

I glanced at his weird combination of frayed red jeans and shirt that has a collar so high and uneven it looks almost uncomfortable. “And you look ridiculous in those.” 

“I know, right?” Bellamy pulled a face. “Only shirt that would cover up the neck tattoo.” 

I’d almost forgotten about my tattoos. The sleeves of my shirt were long enough to hide the one on my wrist, and once I’d done up another button then it was able to also hide the ones on my chest. _Neck tattoo_. I remembered the raven on Murphy’s neck, something that he’d probably not even considered and I grabbed a hoodie and darted out of the hallway to get to the dining hall. When I arrived, I pulled out a knife and pried one of the floorboards up, slicing the jacket inside before almost _tackling_ Murphy and putting the hoodie on him. 

“Ow,” he winced. “Still recovering from your bullet wounds, remember?” 

“Unless you want any more, fix this hoodie so it hides that tattoo on your neck,” I replied breathlessly, before stamping my foot down on the floor board to close it again as I went back outside to check on everyone. 

Clarke was in the process of helping her mother look less Abnegation and more Amity, by undoing the careful braid Abby was wearing to let her hair fall free, and Wells was giving advice to some of the younger Amity children. I pushed my way over to Clarke, holding out another knife and she nodded, slipping it into her pocket. 

I spotted Octavia, who was hovering in the dining hall near to the kitchens and I could see what she was eyeing through the service hatch. A large frying pan was resting on the side next to the washing up, barely a foot away. 

Bellamy noticed how tense I was and slipped an arm around me, “Nervous?” 

“It’s one thing to be all drugged up and act like this, but I don’t think I can imitate Amity for real,” I whispered. 

He laughed, “Have a bit of faith in yourself.” Bellamy stopped to kiss my forehead, “Just bounce a little when you walk, and pretend you’re afraid of their guns, and act like you don’t have more knives hidden in that outfit than McCreary has brain cells.”

“Do you have a gun?”

Bellamy shook his head. “No, but if all goes well then I won’t need one.” 

“And if it doesn’t?” 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” he replied, and I reached into my shirt sleeve to press the handle of a knife into his palm. “Thanks.” 

“Be careful,” I reached up and used his collar to pull his lips down to meet mine. “And don’t die.” 

The Erudite cars arrived and we pulled apart as several people in blue got out, accompanied by at least fifteen in Dauntless black, with blue armbands to signify their allegiance to Erudite. Seriously? They put you in a simulation and force you to kill people, so you automatically join them? A bell rang three times, summoning the Amity to the dining hall and they didn’t ask questions as the Abnegation and four Dauntless blended in among them. 

I kept Bellamy in my line of sight, not wanting to stray too far, and my eyes flickered across the room until I had taken an inventory of all my friends. Wells and Murphy were sitting together on a table at the side, laughing about something, and Octavia was deep in conversation with Jasper and Monty as Clarke walked over to them. 

I stiffened as two of the Dauntless took up guard outside the dining hall, and I slowly began to move towards the floorboard with my jacket underneath. Harper looped her arm in mine without warning, attempting to put me at ease as we passed the soldiers. “Laugh like I just said something funny.” 

We seemed to sell it, and I took a deep breath. “Thank you.” 

Harper slid into a seat opposite Bellamy in the dining hall, and I sat next to her. Wells and Murphy joined us as the others sat down at a table just across from us. I kept sneaking glances at Bellamy for reassurance, and he managed a small smile. It wasn’t long before Wallace arrived, an Erudite woman in tow. Her eyes scanned over me and I held my breath, but they passed on without much consideration which meant thankfully she didn’t recognise me. 

Someone banged on a table to call for quiet, and everyone’s attention turned to Dante. He smiled, gesturing to the newcomers. “Our friends from Erudite and Dauntless are looking for some people,” he announced. “Several members of Abnegation, four members of Dauntless and an Erudite initiate. In the interest of full cooperation, I told them that the people they were looking for were, in fact, here, but have since moved on. They would like permission to search the premises, which means we have to vote. Does anyone object to a search?” 

The way the tension was held in his voice suggested that if anyone did feel like objecting, they better fucking keep their mouth shut. Either no one objected to the search, or the Amity picked up on that tension and said nothing, because no one said anything and Wallace let them continue. 

“Three of you stick around,” the Erudite woman ordered the Dauntless. “The rest of you look around. Contact if you find anything.” 

One of the Dauntless left behind in the dining hall walked around, observing anyone. I didn’t attract much attention— being small is occasionally a good thing— but Bellamy did. He didn’t stand there like Amity, he stood there like Dauntless, and it was noticeable instantly. I held my breath. _Why wasn’t his collar higher? Why did he have to have so many tattoos?_

She must have seen something, because she reached forwards to pull his collar down a little. He didn’t let her get that far. Bellamy grabbed her wrist and unbalanced her so she fell into the table, and someone screamed as a gun went off on the other side of the room. I slammed my foot down on the edge of the plank I’d pulled up, flipping it upright so I could grab the jacket and pull it on. Bellamy picked her up and used the woman to shield him as he grabbed her gun and fired across the room. “Lyss, a little help?” 

“I’m working on it!” I called back, reaching for a knife and hurling it blade over handle towards the other Dauntless firing. It wedged in his arm and he cried out, dropping the gun and allowing Murphy to grab it. The third Dauntless fired and Octavia launched herself into the air, crashing into Jasper and knocking them both to the ground to avoid getting hit with the bullet. I darted over to the serving hatch and grabbed the frying pan, tossing it to Octavia and she caught it with ease, brandishing it like it was just as good a weapon as a gun— which in her hands, was pretty accurate. 

A bullet narrowly missed me as I ducked, and I crashed into someone from Amity, both of us ending up on the ground. The Erudite woman stood there with her gun pointed at me, and Bellamy’s gun pointed at her, and I expected someone to shoot. Instead, someone barrelled into her from the side and swung a fist at her jaw, knocking her unconscious. Harper’s knuckles were bloody as she reached out to help me and the Amity girl up, and I couldn’t help but grin. 

“I knew you didn’t regret me teaching you how to throw a punch,” I laughed. 

“There’s peace, and then there’s people attacking my family,” she grimaced. “And I _hate_ people attacking my family. 

A large thud on the other side of the room signified the other Dauntless going down, and Octavia stood over her triumphantly, frying pan in hand and hair clinging to her face. Bellamy blinked, momentarily surprised before he recovered and began taking charge. “Right, if you’re coming with us then I suggest we get the _hell_ out of here,” he announced. 

I nodded, picking up the Erudite woman’s gun and tucking it down my waistband. “Get ready to run.” 

We sprinted through the orchard, as a large group, but someone— I think it was Thelonious— shouted “Split up!” and we took his advice. I stayed with Bellamy, and Murphy, Wells, Clarke and Octavia were running just in front of us. Harper, Jasper and Monty had joined us, running alongside frantically, but the rest of the Abnegation had disappeared as we kept going. Bullets followed us as Dauntless fired at us, but miraculously none of us got hit. 

And then I had an idea. “Wells!” I shouted. “Time!”

“Eleven thirteen!” He called back. 

Bellamy caught on, realising where I was going with this. “Make for the train! We’ll hold them off!”

Dauntless fired through the trees after us and we ran towards the train tracks, the others passing over them onto the other side of the train before it got close. I skidded to a halt, firing towards the approaching vehicles and praying I hit one of the tires. “I’m almost out of ammo,” I warned Bellamy. 

“Go!” He pointed at the train. 

“I’m not leaving you,” I reminded him. 

“I’ll be right behind you,” Bellamy promised, “Cover fire.” 

I nodded, crossing over the tracks and firing at the Dauntless as they emerged from the trees. The train was getting closer, he wasn’t going to make it. “Bellamy, now!” I shouted, and he dropped his weapon and made a break for it, putting on a burst of speed as he jumped over the tracks, the train just missing him. We ran alongside it and Clarke jumped on first, hauling open one of the doors as Bellamy jumped inside and held out a hand to help up some of the others. Jasper fell behind, clutching his arm and I realised a bullet had clipped him. If we missed the train now, we were easy picking for the Erudite and their Dauntless guards. I slowed down enough to get to him, grabbing him by the good arm and all but throwing him towards Bellamy’s outstretched hand. He hauled the Amity boy into the train and held out his hand. 

Murphy held onto the back of Bellamy’s shirt as he hung out of the train car, and even though my lungs burned from lack of oxygen, I was fuelled by unrelenting adrenaline and I managed to grab his hand and let them pull me into the train, landing flat on top of Bellamy as he pulled me in, breathless. I thumped him in the arm, “You idiot! If you left it any longer the train would’ve killed you!” 

“But it didn’t,” he reminded me, and I hit him again. 

“Don’t _ever_ do that again,” I warned before quickly pressing my lips to his. 

“Guys?” Wells tried to get our attention. 

“What?” I asked, pushing myself upright. 

“ _Guys_ ,” he insisted. 

“What, Wells?” I turned around to see what he was pointing at. 

More than a dozen people were leaning against the supplies in the train car, each wearing mismatched clothing and armed. _The factionless._

Fuck.


	29. Home Is Wherever I’m With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for lyss, it's time to go home... something she never thought she'd have to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

“Never seen Amity armed before,” one of the factionless raised an eyebrow, pointing a gun at Bellamy as he stood protectively in front of Octavia. 

“That’s because they ain’t Amity, Stewart. They’re _Dauntless_ ,” an older woman smirked. “To what do we owe the pleasure?” 

Another woman flicked a knife in her hand as she walked towards us. “Whatever they are, if they want to live, they’ll get off this damn train.” 

I recognised that knife. Not like, ‘oh, that’s a butterfly knife, I’ve seen one before’, but ‘I know that _exact_ knife’. There are precisely seven of them belonging to the factionless. I know this, because I was the one who procured and distributed them. I took a step forward and she seemed to take that as an attacking move, spinning me around and placing the blade against my throat. I didn’t flinch, I rarely flinch. “Nice knife you got there,” my eyes flicked down to it. “Where’d you get it?” 

“Robbed a Dauntless weapons shipment a couple years back,” she shrugged, the blade digging into my neck. One deep swipe, and my blood would be decorating the compartment. “This was my prize.” 

“Your prize?” I scoffed, “God, you’re full of it, aren’t you? You weren’t on that heist.”

“You calling me a liar?” She spat, challenging me. 

“Yes,” I replied calmly. “And you know how I know? Because I was there. Which is exactly how I know that you _weren’t_. There were six of us, and we took a crate full of guns, some paintball stuff to fuck around with, two dozen regular knives and seven butterfly knives. My name is Alyssa Jones, and I used to be factionless so I don’t think you want to push me off this train.” 

“Prove it,” she narrowed her eyes. 

“The five other people involved were Lyra Walker, Astrid Weathers, Sasha Walgrove, Peter Colton and Kyle Wick,” I explained with a sigh, my eyes flickering to Bellamy’s for a moment before I revealed. “I’m Henry Jones’ kid from 514.” 

The kid called Stewart laughed, “That crapsack?” 

“Yeah, that crapsack,” I repeated.

“They can stay on the train,” a girl with short cropped hair and a scar through her eyebrow emerged from the shadows. “But we’re taking them to Pike when we get to the city.”

 _Fuck._ It was her. _Fuck._ Astrid was here. _Fuck._

I glared at Astrid, “You were here this entire time? You took your bloody time.” 

She sneered, “What are friends for?”

“We’re not friends,” I reminded her. 

“Oh yeah, _that’s_ why I took my time,” Astrid smirked. “Nice jacket, by the way.” 

The girl with the butterfly knife against my throat released me, shoving me harshly into Bellamy’s arms. “You were wrong about one thing,” she hissed.

“What would that be?”

“There were six knives, so maybe your memory’s a little _off_.” 

I rolled my eyes, “That just means you haven’t found mine yet.” 

“You okay?” Bellamy whispered, and I nodded. 

“What can I say? I have connections,” I replied weakly. “By the way, meet my ex-girlfriend, Astrid. She’s a bitch.” 

“Well, at least I’m not a murderer like you,” she laughed. 

I rolled my eyes, “I’ll give you three guesses to figure out why we broke up.” 

Murphy put a hand on my arm, “Is she the one who—” 

“Uh huh,” I nodded. “The first person I told. And the reason why I didn’t tell anyone else until you.” 

~

When we arrived at a building that was all too familiar to me, I hesitated, not wanting to go inside. At some point on the train I had taken another dropperful of the pain medication, which I was now sharing with Jasper, and given him some of the salve. Bellamy touched my good shoulder lightly, pretending to kiss my cheek so no one would hear what he said. “We could go now, you know. Make a run for it. If you don’t want to be here.” 

I linked my fingers with his. “It’s not that simple. For a start, we can’t afford to have them as our enemies. That, and Pike has information. He’ll know where the other Dauntless are. He monitors everyone in the city, everyone important, and the movements of everyone. This is how we find the others.” 

“In and out, we don’t have to stay any longer than we need to.”

“No longer than we need to,” I repeated, squeezed his hand tightly while my other hand rested in my pocket, a knife in my clenched fist as we were escorted into the main building— building five, the largest factionless residence.

Another door opened and the small group of us were roughly shoved inside. Astrid and the girl who held a knife to my throat stayed on either side of us, and another woman appeared, looking us up and down. “Collected more strays Astr— _Jones?_ ”

I looked at Nikki, “It’s been a while.” 

“So it has,” she mused. “Heard you joined Dauntless?” 

“I did.”

“Pretty shitty timing, kid,” Nikki pointed out. 

“It’s not _all_ bad,” I thought of my new friends, of Bellamy. “We’re not staying long. A quick chat with Pike and then we’re leaving.” 

Nikki nodded, “Welcome back.” 

“We’re not staying long,” I felt the need to repeat. “We’re just here for information.” 

She nodded again, “Shame. The 510 crew missed you.”

I swallowed thickly. “Well, as far as they know, I’m not here.” 

Wells tapped me on the shoulder, “You said ‘Pike’. Do you by any chance mean the former Abnegation council member Charles Pike?” 

“That’s exactly who I mean,” I replied as the door swung open and we were rudely shoved inside. Pike was leaning against the desk, his arms crossed. 

“Miss Jones, always a pleasure,” he raised an eyebrow at us. “What do you want this time?” 

Before I could answer, Wells pushed forwards, staring at the maps and notes behind Pike on the wall. “Those are population counts? And… factionless safe houses? I mean, these places on the map? They’re safe houses, right?” 

“That’s a lot of questions,” Pike warned. “Unfortunately, I’m not going to answer any of them.” 

“I’m not an idiot, Pike,” I cut back into the conversation. “I know you are better as an ally than as an enemy, but Erudite is looking for us and we need to know where the other Dauntless are. The ones that aren’t Erudite’s lackeys. I know you know.” 

Pike studied me for a moment, before he relented. “We can talk after dinner. Privately.” 

~

I sat on Pike’s desk, trying and failing to decipher the shorthand on the notes I had pushed to the side. “Let’s make this quick. What’s the situation out there? I know you’re keeping tabs.” 

“Dauntless is split in half. Half at Erudite HQ, half at Candor. What’s left of Abnegation is with us. Your friend was correct, thinking that the map and the chart listed all of the safe houses. He was wrong about the population counts. The numbers aren’t all the factionless, only the Divergents,” Pike explained. 

I glanced at him warily, “How do you know who’s divergent?” 

“Before the attack on Abnegation, they were testing us for a certain genetic anomaly as a part of the aid effort. Sometimes the testing involved re-administering the aptitude test, sometimes it was more complicated. But they explained to us that they suspected we might have the highest Divergent population of any group in the city.” 

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” I sighed. “Why do you care? About the Divergent?” 

“The Erudite are looking for manpower and they found it temporarily in Dauntless. They’ll want more, and we’re the obvious choice— unless they find out how many of us are Divergent. In case they do want us for their army, it’s a good thing to know how many people we have that are resistant to simulations.” 

My fingers ran along the cracks in his desk as I sat, deep in thought. “There’s more people here. More than when I was here. What are you planning?” 

“Always watching, I should’ve known,” Pike laughed. “We want to usurp Erudite. Once we get rid of them, there’s nothing stopping us from controlling the government ourselves. I want to create a society without factions.” 

“You think you’re fit to run the government? You’re barely any better than Sydney! We’d be exchanging one dictator for another,” I scoffed. “It’s not gonna happen.” 

“I’m not a dictator,” Pike warned.

“Yeah, and I’m not a murderer.” I snapped back sarcastically, ignoring his change in expression, “Oh don’t feign surprise, nothing happens here that you don’t know about.” 

Pike narrowed his eyes at me, “Do you want to know what I think?” 

“No, not really, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway.”

“I think you and I would make good allies. You and your Dauntless boyfriend could unite your faction and we could work together to destroy Erudite once and for all,” Pike mused. “Thoughts?” 

“Many thoughts,” I glared at him. “One of which being you’re delusional and your plan will never work. Thanks for the information, but I’m going to pass on your help.” 

Pike shrugged, “Suit yourself, but you’ll be back. I know you will. Do you want to know why I know?” 

I didn’t give him the satisfaction of telling me the answer, pushing open his office doors before he got a chance to finish. Unfortunately, the moment the door closed behind me someone slammed me against the wall and held a knife against my throat. 

Yeah, this is why I’m unfamiliar with the phrase “good to be home”.

I brought my knee up into my attacker’s chest and spun them around, whacking their hand against the wall until they dropped the knife as I pulled out my own and held it against them. “What the fuck?” I asked, tugging their hood away from their face. _“Lyra?”_

She shrugged, using my shock to shove me off her, “What? Nikki said I’m not supposed to know you’re here, so how else am I gonna see my girl AJ if I don’t kidnap her?” 

“Your judgement is hella warped,” I pulled a face.

“How long are you staying?” Lyra nudged me, “It’s been too long.” 

“Not long enough,” I sighed, pocketing my knife. “I’m not getting into this with you. Not tonight.” 

“You _left_ us,” she growled, pushing me back against the wall. “We were your family and you _left_ us.” 

“You haven’t been my family in a long time, Lyra,” I spat, looking her up and down. “And I wasn’t going to give up my chance just because you lot were too chickenshit to leave. Besides I already told you, I’m not getting into this.”

Lyra smirked, “Fine. The roof, midnight, for old times’ sake. Be there.” She wrapped a hand against the pole next to the staircase, “Or don’t.” With that, Lyra was gone. 

I wasn’t going to go. I wasn’t going to go. I wasn’t. 

At least, that’s what I tried to tell myself.


	30. Trouble Is Closing In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Sound Off The Sirens by Sam Tinnesz

Bellamy had taken charge and sorted out the sleeping arrangements, taking the sleeping pallets and arranging them together so we were all near-ish to one another. It would’ve been comfier if I checked to see if my old mattress was still upstairs, but that would involve me actually being brave enough to go to the first floor, and risk seeing the rest of my old friends, and my father. 

I lay down on the makeshift bed for a few hours, hoping sleep would come if I closed my eyes for long enough. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Bellamy was curled against me, and I could hear his soft breaths behind my head. Murphy’s snores were echoing across the room and I prayed no one would attempt to smother him in his sleep, like they tried with Wick that one time when he had a sinus infection and each breath sounded like a small foghorn. 

I’d spent hours lying on my side, thinking about how familiar yet also foreign everything was here. There were more people, and that made it infinitely busier, but it was still the same place I grew up in. Still the place I played cards in at two in the morning with Peter, or practiced using the butterfly knives with Astrid. A part of it still felt like home, and I hated it. I wanted so badly to detach myself from this, as if the more I put it behind me, the more I could ignore it. 

But it just wasn’t that simple. 

So, like a true Dauntless, I decided to face my fear head on. Well, part of it. The part involving the people here. When Wells’ watch alarm beeped twice at midnight, flashing a few times before falling silent again, I slid my boots and jacket back on and crept outside. Sure, I could just as easily brave the staircase, and go up the floor past my old room, but I preferred it this way. I walked around the outside of the building until I got to the old spot. Some of the bricks had crumbled, and others had been chipped away at to create enough handholds for the short climb up to the roof. I scrambled up the side, slightly out of practice at this particular wall— I used to be able to scale it in twenty-two seconds— but easily enough before rolling over the lip of the roof and landing flat on my back, breathless but grinning. 

It was dark out, but once my eyes adjusted I spotted the others getting ready. When we were younger, two slightly older factionless kids started a fight club of sorts. It started out as self-defence training, for the younger ones, and developed into a way to let off steam by laying into each other once a week. Especially if there was an argument.

“Well, well, well, you just couldn’t resist, could you?” Astrid laughed, cracking her knuckles. “Let me guess, you want to take me on?” 

I shed my jacket, kicking it to the side. “Old habits die hard. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I’ve trained a lot more since we last sparred.” 

“Well you’re in luck, because so have I,” she smirked, pulling her hair into a high ponytail. 

“Are the rules still the same?” I asked Wick, who was leaning against the door to the roof with a cocky smile on his face. 

He shrugged, “Nothing too dirty. If one of you does anything below the belt the other person instantly wins, etc etc. Eternal bragging rights until next match.” Wick gestured vaguely with his hand. “What am I forgetting? Oh yeah, don’t kill each other.” 

“Alyssa might have trouble with that,” Astrid remarked snarkily. 

I bounced on the balls of my feet, tired of fighting her on how much of a terrible person I was. “If you don’t want it to happen, then don’t fucking _provoke_ me.”

Peter held up an opaque bottle, winking at me. “God, I’ve missed this. Thanks for bringing your Amity friends, by the way, they helped me perfect the moonshine.” 

“Stop the small talk and let’s get this going, shall we?” Lyra laughed.

I took that as the sign to start, and so did Astrid. She lunged forward but I side-stepped her attack and landed a punch on her stomach. She grunted, retaliating with a kick that swiped my feet out from underneath me and sent me sprawling. I flipped myself back onto my feet, ducking her next punch and aiming for her jaw. Astrid caught my fist and twisted it behind my back, pushing me away from her. She was _playing_ with me. 

“God, are you going _easy_ on me?” I raised an eyebrow, “Or is this all you got?” 

The moves sped up, and I ducked her punch and used the momentum from it to flip her over my head and onto the gravel rooftop. Astrid dusted herself off and her fist connected with my nose. I ignored the warm blood dripping down over my upper lip and blocked her next two punches, landing one of my own on the side of her jaw. She managed to get me into a chokehold but I jammed my elbow into her ribcage and dropped, bringing her with me onto the ground as I rolled over her. “Want to tap out yet?” Astrid teased, but I had already flipped us over so I was back on top. 

“No. You?” 

“Never.” 

I caught her leg and used it to push Astrid backwards, but she saw it coming and used the hold to kick her other leg up and twist it to push me in the chest. I dodged Astrid’s next kick and rolled out of the way, bouncing back upright so she didn’t have an advantage while I was lower. She grabbed me and we ended up on the floor again and I winced. 

“You okay, AJ?” Wick called from the sidelines. 

“Never better,” I grunted, drawing up my legs and pushing them forwards to get Astrid off my chest. “But I did get shot less than a week ago, so there’s that.” 

“Ouch, who by?” Peter pulled a face. 

“That jackass McCreary from Dauntless,” I explained, hitting Astrid’s face and knocking her backwards to give me enough time to roll my shoulder until the pain subsided so I could attack again. “To be fair I _did_ shoot him first.” 

Lyra rolled her eyes, “Of _course_ you did. What’d he do?” 

“He said, ‘You won’t shoot me’, so I shot him,” I replied with a grin as I deflected Astrid’s next hit and slammed the side of my hand into her already bloody lip. She stumbled backwards but managed to wind me before swiping my legs out from under me again. I lay on the ground for a second, mildly stunned before I kicked my legs around so she lost her balance and hit the ground next to me. 

The two of us panted side by side on the roof, too exhausted to continue. “Concede yet?” She asked me. 

“Only if you do,” I groaned, holding my shoulder and wincing. 

Astrid nodded, “Fine.” 

We both shouted to Wick at the same time, “She concedes!” and he laughed, him and Peter walking over to help us up. 

“So are you two cool now? This feud thing is doing my head in,” Lyra groaned. “I’m tired of it.” 

I leant against Peter to keep myself upright as I held out a hand, “Truce?” 

“Truce,” Astrid rolled her eyes. “I suppose it’s good to have a little murder in you, in the world we live in.” 

~

Before I went back down to where I was sleeping near the others, I took the normal way down from the roof on the stairs, passing my old room. Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I opened the door. My father was passed out on his bed, and my bed was covered in, well, _everything_ , apparently, but that didn’t stop me from using my good arm to pry the mattress up from the floor to get to the loose floorboard under which I’d kept the butterfly knife. I tucked it under my boot and put my hands in my jacket pockets as I took the stairs two at a time. 

At some point, my nose had stopped bleeding, so I stopped by the bathroom and ran my face under the tap to get rid of the dried blood. There was a cut on my cheek and when I stuck my hands in the cold water it turned red, but I had a smile on my face that refused to disappear. Sure, my cheek would be bruised as hell in the morning and sure, I’d probably slowed down the healing of my shoulder by a shit ton, but I’d sorted things out. 

I slipped back into the bed quietly, hoping not to wake Bellamy but it turned out it was easier to extract myself from his arms while he was sleeping than it was to climb back in next to him, and he made a short noise of disapproval when I arrived. “Where have you been?” 

“Up,” I replied, turning around to face him, still grinning. 

The new bruising on my face seemed to wake him up a bit, because he frowned, running a hand over it. “What the hell were you doing? What happened?” 

“I look like shit, yeah, but I _feel_ amazing.” 

Bellamy quirked an eyebrow, “You look like you just got beaten up, why are you so happy?” 

“I did get beaten up. But I did about as much damage as I took, so it was a good night,” I explained.

He curled an arm around me, sighing softly. “That’s my girl. Do I want to know _why_ you were doing this in the middle of the night?” 

“Rooftop midnight fight club.” 

He pulled a face, “Dauntless doesn’t have one of those. Why doesn’t Dauntless have one of those?” 

“Probably because I haven’t started one yet.”


	31. I Don’t Need Heat, I’ll Be Burning In Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you know that trope where someone's like 'hand over all your weapons. no, /all/ of them. ALL of them.' and there's still more and then there's somehow more left but they're now coming from increasingly impossible places? 
> 
> yeah, that's lyss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from back from the edge by james arthur (one of my favourite songs of all time)

In the morning, Clarke appeared with fresh clothes she’d borrowed from the other factionless and she dropped them in a pile next to our beds, herself already dressed. “Go ahead,” she announced. I grabbed a pair of dark jeans, t-shirt and black hoodie to put on under my jacket and rinsed my boots under the tap so they were back to being black. 

Bellamy appeared not long after, changed out of the Amity gear and back into darker clothes. Murphy looked up and realised we’d naturally reverted to Dauntless colours and laughed. “Great, back in our murder gear. That’s a good sign.” 

I rolled my eyes, patting him on the shoulder. “We leave for Candor in twenty minutes, I’m glad to see that no one tried to smother you in your sleep.” 

He laughed, but then his brow furrowed as I walked away, “Wait, Lyss, was there a danger of that happening? Was that going to happen? Why would—” 

His shouts grew quieter as I barged into Pike’s office, not bothering to knock on the door. I wasn’t staying for long, just long enough to warn him. “We’re leaving for Candor in twenty. Thanks for the help, but we’re going.” 

“Suit yourself, but if we’d be good allies and you know it,” he tossed me a gun and I caught it easily before the door slammed after me. 

~

The Candor headquarters was a large cement building. And when I say large, I mean it’s bloody _massive._ I’d never been inside before, but it looked pretty busy. Our small group stared up at it for a moment or two before walking towards the doors. I slipped my hand into Bellamy’s like a reflex, and he squeezed it reassuringly as the doors opened in front of us to allow us inside. It was crawling with armed Dauntless guards, but if Pike was correct, they were the good kind. 

One of the Dauntless soldiers approached us, raising her weapon as a warning. “Identify yourselves.” 

“Blake, Alyssa, Clarke, and Murphy— Dauntless— with Jasper, Monty and Harper from Amity and Octavia and Wells from Abnegation,” Bellamy replied, cautiously leaving out the part where Wells was actually an ex-Erudite initiate. 

Some of the other Dauntless crowded around her, watching us. Recognition flashed in a few of their eyes as they watched us. 

“What’s the problem?” I asked, watching as a few of them continued to raise their weapons towards us. “If we were going to attack you, do you really think we’d have walked straight through the front door?” A few more Dauntless separated Bellamy and I from the others, despite their complaints, and began to pat us down. I caught a hand before it went towards my pocket, glaring at its owner. “Touch me with that hand and you’ll lose it,” I warned. 

“Hand over your weapons, then,” he requested politely. 

I rolled my eyes, glancing to Bellamy who gave me the go-ahead before I reached into my jacket and pulled out my first knife. “Wait, have you got like a box or something? Also, we’re gonna be here a while.” 

“She has a point,” Bellamy smirked for the first time since we’d arrived. “You’re gonna need a box, or a small barrel, maybe like an old bathtub?” He handed over his gun and then made a box with his hands, “About this big?” 

I raised an eyebrow, “What are you waiting for? He’s not kidding.” 

One of the Dauntless disappeared and reappeared with a small container, and I placed the first knife into it, slowly taking all thirteen out of the various places in the black jacket. Once I’d removed them from the jacket, I took the jacket off and gave it to Bellamy to hold for a moment, while I pulled the gun out of the waistband of my jeans and dropped it in the box, followed by one of the knives strapped to my thigh, two from each boot, I then paused to lift up the side of my shirt to get to the ones under my bra straps and reached down to grab the butterfly knife from my actual bra. I caught Bellamy staring at me from the side and shrugged. 

“What? I’m travelling light.” 

“ _This_ is light?” The Dauntless asked. 

“Yes, now can you please explain what the ever-loving fuck is going on?” I prompted, gesturing to the guns still pointed at us. 

The first soldier exchanged a look with some of the others, “I’m sorry, but we were instructed to arrest you upon your arrival.” 

_Fan-fucking-tastic._

~

Each faction supposedly has a holding cell for those who “make trouble”. The Candor one had a white marble floor and a small bench along the back wall. Bellamy sat down on the bench, trying to make sense of it while I paced back and forth. What the hell was going on? Why would _Candor_ arrest us? As far as we knew, they weren’t siding with Erudite, so what crime could we have done? Did we do anything to make it seem like _we_ were siding with Erudite? 

Yes. I shot multiple Dauntless under the simulation. Does that count? 

“Can you calm down?” Bellamy sighed, removing his head from his hands to watch me pace. “You’re making me nervous.” 

“This is me calming down,” I replied.

He raised an eyebrow, “Tell that to your palms.” 

I uncurled my fists and noticed the red crescents blooming in the palms of my hands from where my nails had been biting into them. He knew me too well. I sighed, sitting down next to him. “Sorry. It’s just, you’d think the _Candor_ would be a bit more forthcoming with information about why we’re in this mess, wouldn’t you?” 

“Now’s our chance to ask,” Bellamy nodded at the door as it opened, and Luna Rivers— the leader of Candor— walked in. She was tall, entered with authority, and her hair… her hair should be considered a national treasure because holy _fuck_ was it beautiful. I was almost distracted for a moment, looking at the hues of reds and golds and coppers that shouldn’t have been a natural colour, yet somehow seemed to act like one on her. It hung in waves down to her shoulder, with a few spare tendrils curling around the sides of her face to frame it. I don’t normally take in details like that but _damn_ would I kill to have hair like that. She was wearing a pair of black trousers and heels, paired with a thin white top that was just see-through enough for me to see the old tattoos on her arms and realise she was once Dauntless. 

Luna folded her arms and raised an eyebrow, “I’ve been informed that you were confused about why you were arrested, which means you are either very good at acting, or are being falsely accused.” 

I tore my eyes away from her hair to answer, “That. The second one.” 

“How do you know you’re being falsely accused of something, if you don’t know what you’re being accused of?” She asked, amused. 

I shrugged, “I don’t know, but I know I didn’t do it.” 

Bellamy gave me a side-glance, quirking an eyebrow. “Really?” 

“What? I’ve done bad shit, but none of it is recent enough to warrant this. Okay, maybe it is, but I’m almost one hundred percent sure that we’re not thinking of the same incidents,” I pointed out. 

He sighed, rolling his eyes. “What exactly are we being accused of?” 

“You are accused of crimes against humanity, she is accused of being your accomplice,” Luna explained. 

I frowned, “Come again?” at the same time as Bellamy reeled back, angry and disgusted, “ _What?_ ” 

“We saw video footage of the attack,” she replied. “You were _running_ the attack simulation.” 

Bellamy paused for a second before asking, “How could you have seen footage? We took the data.”

“You took a _copy_ of the data. All the footage of the Dauntless compound recorded during the attack was also sent to other computers throughout the city. All we saw was you running the simulation and _her_ nearly getting beaten to death before she gave up. Then you two had a rather abrupt lovers’ reconciliation and stole the hard drive together. One possible reason is because the simulation was over and you didn’t want us to get our hands on it.” 

I laughed. I ignored the strange looks I received from Bellamy and Luna and laughed. This was ridiculous. Probably the greatest act of heroism (even if it was born through selfishness) that I have ever done, and they thought I was doing it for the Erudite. “God, you have no idea, do you?” I shook my head in disbelief, “We were the ones who _stopped_ the simulation. We didn’t—” 

Luna held up a hand. “I am not interested in what you have to say right now. The truth will come out when you are both interrogated under the influence of truth serum.” 

Truth serum. 

_Truth serum._

“What? No,” I said firmly. “No way.” 

“Is there something you have to hide?” Luna asked, raising both eyebrows. 

I curled my lip in disgust, “Anyone with an ounce of dignity wants to keep some things to themself. There are things I keep private that are of no use to you, nor are they _any_ of your business.” 

Luna checked her watch, ignoring my outburst completely. “It’s noon now. The interrogation will be at seven. Don’t bother preparing for it. You can’t withhold information under the influence of the truth serum.” She gave us a smile before walking out, the door closing softly behind her. 

“What a warm welcome,” Bellamy remarked sarcastically. 

“I’ve had worse,” I muttered under my breath, slouching back onto the bench. “Do you know what this means?” 

“That they can’t refute our testimony because it’s under the truth serum. They’ll be forced to trust us. What are you afraid of saying?” 

I let my body slide off the bench and onto the floor, so I was lying flat on my back and staring at the ceiling. “Anything. Everything. They’re never going to trust me after this. You, maybe, but not me.” The same thoughts from when I was at Amity ran through my mind on a loop. God, what I wouldn’t give to be drugged up on peace serum instead of truth serum in a couple of hours.

They shouldn’t be trusting me. I am a murderer.

They shouldn’t be trusting me. I shot my best friend. 

They shouldn’t be trusting me because McCreary was right: I _am_ a loose cannon. 

“We make it through this, we have Candor as allies,” Bellamy lay down next to me, squeezing my hand. 

“We make it through this, I’m more Dauntless than ever because I’m pretty sure this is my own personal hell.”


	32. Way Too Many Questions In My Mind, I Don’t Have The Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's ANGST TIME :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Chasing by NF

We lay there in silence for a while, and when they left food for us I didn’t have any of it. I must have drifted off at some point because I woke up with a start at the sound of the door opening, and Bellamy and I both got to our feet. Two figures in black pushed past the Dauntless guarding us and threw themselves at me for a hug. I winced as a hand closed over my shoulder. “Got shot. Shoulder. _Ow._ ” 

“Sorry,” Miller pulled away, taking Raven with him. “We saw the others and they said you were here, so we volunteered to escort you. Obviously you didn’t do it, you’re not a traitor.” 

“Thanks,” I replied gratefully as we were herded into an elevator. 

Miller smiled apologetically, “Don’t worry about the truth serum. You barely know what’s happening when you’re under. It’s only when you resurface that you even know what you said. I went under when I was a kid. It’s pretty commonplace in Candor.” 

The words, _“Yeah, but did you have anything worth hiding?”_ balanced on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them, not wanting to taint the reunion with my cynicism. Instead, I asked, “Is everyone else alright?” 

“Most of the others out of our initiation class are with the traitors,” Raven explained. “But we have about half of Dauntless here. And it’s a good half. We have Jason the weapons guy.”

“I met your little sister, Blake, she’s hilarious,” Miller added, before leaning over to me. “The Raven and Murphy reunion was disgusting. Lots of hugs, lots of crying, lots of kissing.” 

I laughed, “Yeah.” 

“We also got him a new sling,” Raven sighed, her hands balling into fists. “I can’t believe he got shot.” 

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “Me neither.” 

The elevator reached the top floor and we all filed out. I looked at the corridor, black tiles, white walls, same as everywhere else. How do the Candor not get lost? Everything fucking looks the same? The room we went into had two chairs in the middle, and this time the marble floor was white with the black Candor symbol in the centre. There were stalls around the sides of the room for observers to sit in, and I clenched my fists inside my pockets. The walls were lit with rows of dim yellow lights that seemed to give everything the impression that it glowed. 

Bellamy reached into my jacket pocket and uncurled my fist to lace his fingers with mine. I let my head fall to the side on his shoulder and closed my eyes for a moment. Sure, drugged-up-on-peace-Alyssa said some things that regular Alyssa wouldn’t dream of admitting out loud, but she wasn’t wrong when she said Bellamy that to me, he smelled safe. I associated him with safety. He saved me on the ferris wheel, he saved me at the chasm, and he saves me just by being there, just by being with me. 

“My name is Derrick,” a man walked into the centre of the room and introduced himself as everyone finished filing into their seats around the room. “I will be your questioner. You will be going first,” he pointed at Bellamy, “So please step forwards.” 

He gave my hand one final squeeze before nodding and stepping towards Derrick. I stood with Miller and Raven, and made quick eye contact with the others on the other side of the room. Clarke, Murphy, Octavia, Wells, Harper, Jasper and Monty were sitting together, and I noticed Octavia kept smiling at Diyoza’s daughter Hope, who was also with them. Luna was sitting just in front of them, and her eyes watched me. 

Derrick opened a small black box and I noticed it contained two needles, one for each of us. He also took out an antiseptic wipe and offered it to Bellamy. Dauntless never bothered with that kind of thing. “The injection site is in your neck,” he warned, before sticking the needle in and squeezing the cloudy blue liquid into his veins. 

I shuddered. Last time I had watched someone inject Bellamy with a serum it had been Diana Sydney, and I had thought that he was lost to me forever. 

“I will ask you a series of questions so that you can grow accustomed to the serum as it takes full effect,” Derrick explained. “Now. What is your name?” 

“Blake.”

Derrick raised an eyebrow, “That’s a nickname, your surname, isn’t it? What is your first name.” 

“Bellamy,” he replied through gritted teeth. 

Raven glanced at me out of the corner of her eye before hissing, “Did you know that?” I nodded.

“What are the names of your parents, Bellamy?” Derrick asked. 

Bellamy’s mouth opened like he was going to answer, but he forced it shut and grimaced, “Why is this relevant?” 

Some of the Candor muttered under their breath at this, and I looked to Miller for an explanation. He shrugged, “It’s pretty damn hard not to immediately answer questions while under the serum. It means he has a seriously strong will, and something to hide.” 

“Maybe it wasn’t relevant before, Bellamy, but it is now that you’ve resisted answering the question. The names of your parents, please,” he pressed.

Bellamy closed his eyes, “Aurora Blake… and Thelonious Jaha.” 

The mutterings got louder at this, and Wells ducked his head for a moment. Clarke turned to him, probably more shocked that she didn’t know than anything else, and Octavia’s mouth set in a thin line. I wondered if she knew or not beforehand that Bellamy and Wells were half-brothers. Jaha was a powerful name. 

Derrick continued over the hushed whispers, “So you are a faction transfer, are you not?” 

“Yes.”

“You transferred from Abnegation to Dauntless?” 

“Yes,” Bellamy replied more forcefully this time. “Was that not obvious?” 

Derrick sighed, “One of the purposes of this interrogation is to determine your loyalties which is why I have to ask: Why did you transfer?” 

Bellamy clamped his mouth shut, trying to fight the serum. This shouldn’t be happening. His childhood doesn’t need to be an open book for all of Candor to read, unless he gives up the information voluntarily. This isn’t right. They were taking away his choice. 

“I’ll ask again. It is important that we understand the extent of your loyalty to your chosen faction. So why did you transfer to Dauntless, Bellamy.” 

“To get out. To get away.”

“Get away from what?” 

“Everything.” 

I waited for Derrick to keep probing, to ask ‘why?’ again, but he didn’t. Instead, he nodded. “Thank you for your honesty.” The phrase was repeated around the room and Derrick waited a moment before continuing. “Is your allegiance with your current faction, Bellamy?” 

“My allegiance lies with anyone who does not support the attack on Abnegation,” he replied. 

“Speaking of which, I think we should focus on what happened that day. What do you remember about being under the simulation?” Derrick asked. 

“I wasn’t under the simulation, at first,” Bellamy corrected. “It didn’t work.” 

Derrick laughed a little, visibly amused. “What do you mean, it didn’t _work_?” 

“One of the defining characteristics of the Divergent is that their minds are resistant to simulations,” Bellamy rolled his eyes. “And I’m Divergent. So no, it didn’t work.” 

The mutters resumed their place in the room, and Derrick had to quieten them down so he could continue. Raven studied me for a moment before asking, “Are you too?” 

I nodded, “It’s not that big a deal. It’s like the fear landscape simulation— you were aware while you were in it, and you could manipulate it. Except for me, it’s like that in every simulation.” 

“Fascinating,” she whistled. 

Derrick took back control of the room. “Now, when you say ‘resistant to simulations’, what do you mean?” 

“Usually it means we’re aware during simulations, but the attack sim was different, using a different kind of serum that used long-range transmitters. Evidently the long-range transmitters didn’t work on the Divergent at all, because I awoke in my own mind that morning.” 

“You say you weren’t under the simulation _at first_. Can you explain what you mean by that?” 

“I mean that I was discovered and brought to Diana Sydney, and she injected a version of the serum that specifically targeted the Divergent. I was aware during _that_ simulation, but it didn’t do much good.” Bellamy’s eyes flicked to mine for a moment, like he was forcing himself to look at me.

Derrick’s expression darkened, “The video footage from the Dauntless headquarters shows you _running_ the simulation. How exactly, do you explain that?” 

“When a simulation is running, your eyes still see and process the actual world, but your brain no longer comprehends them. On some level, though, your brain still knows what you’re seeing and where you are. The nature of this new simulation was that it recorded my emotional responses to outside stimuli,” Bellamy explained, closing his eyes for a few seconds, “and responded by altering the appearance of that stimuli. The simulation made my enemies into friends, my friends into enemies. I thought I was shutting the simulation down. Really I was receiving instructions about how to keep it running.”

“We have seen footage of what happened to you in the control room, but it is confusing. Please could you describe it to us?” Derrick asked. 

Bellamy forced himself to look at me again, this time not turning away afterwards but instead locking his gaze onto mine for the entire explanation. “Someone entered the room and I thought it was a Dauntless soldier, trying to stop me from destroying the sim. I was fighting her, and…” he sighed, “and then she stopped, and I got confused. Even if I had been awake I’d have been confused. Why would she surrender? Why not just kill me to stop me?” 

A small smile crept onto my cheeks. I wasn’t _happy_ about what was happening, but the way he was looking at me sent me into that wave of relief again, like when I realised he was no longer under the sim. I blinked the tears from my eyes. 

“I still don’t understand how she knew that it would work,” he said quietly. 

_I didn’t. I didn’t know that it would work. I didn’t know that it would do anything._

“I think my conflicted emotions confused the simulation, and then I heard her voice. Somehow it helped me fight it. I recognised her, and then we were able to stop the simulation.” 

“What is the name of this person?” Derrick prompted. 

“Lyss. Alyssa Jones,” Bellamy smiled at me weakly. 

“Did you know her before this happened?” 

“Yes.”

“How did you know her?” 

“I was her instructor… friend… Now we’re together.” 

Derrick asked a final question, “One last thing. If you suspected Diana had corrupted Dauntless, why didn’t you just leave? Why did you stay?”

“I wanted to leave. I was planning on leaving Dauntless, and becoming factionless. But then I fell in love with Alyssa, and I couldn’t leave her. I met _her_ , and I felt like maybe I could make something more of my decision,” his eyes dropped from mine as the Candor repeated quietly “thank you for your honesty.”

I walked to the centre of the room as Bellamy left it. He squeezed my hand as he passed me, and then it was just me, Derrick, and the needle. Derrick wiped my neck with the antiseptic wipe but before he injected me I stopped him. “I want to do it myself,” I said quietly. 

“You know how?” 

“Unfortunately,” I sighed. It’s not like I have the best track record with being injected with various serums. The second the liquid hit my veins they turned to lead, and I would’ve tripped on my way to the chair if Derrick hadn’t been there to catch my arm and steady me. My mind went blank, and I was unable to focus on anything other than the question Derrick asked. 

“What is your name?” 

“Alyssa Jones.” The answer slipped from my mouth without any conscious thought, and I realised if I wanted to try and fight any part of this, it was going to take more strength than I thought.

“What are the names of your parents?”

“Lisa and Henry Jones.”

“You are also a faction transfer, are you not?” 

Yes. But also no. “That depends,” I replied. 

“On what?” Derrick raised an eyebrow. 

“Technically to be a faction transfer, you have to come from a faction. I was factionless, therefore _yes_ , I did transfer, but _no_ , not from a faction.” Even under truth serum apparently I wasn’t willing to make things straight forward for them. 

Derrick pursed his lips. “Why did you transfer?” 

“There were things I wanted to leave behind,” I squeezed the armrests as my brain wanted to give more information that I did, grunting in pain as I felt like my insides were being twisted and set on fire all at once, when I tried to avoid the answer. “People. Memories.” 

“Why?” He prompted. 

“I…” _No._ “I was…” Scared. _No…_ “Fuck!” I cursed, bringing my injured arm up and slamming it down against the armrest. Pain shot up towards my shoulder, but it gave me something to focus on as I squirmed, panting. “No.” 

“The more you fight, the more pain the serum will cause you as it searches for the truth,” Derrick warned. 

I gritted my teeth, “I’m a fighter, asshole. It’s what I do.” 

“Then you only cause yourself more pain.”

“Trust me,” I strained in my seat, “I’m no stranger to pain.” I pulled my other arm up in my sleeve and closed my hand around my last knife. It was small, small enough to be hidden in the lining of the jacket. I tightened my grip on it until the blade broke through my skin, focusing on that instead of Derrick. Focusing on that instead of the answers I was so desperately fighting to keep to myself. 

This was harder than I thought. 

Derrick snapped his fingers and two of the Dauntless guards moved towards me, while a third held Bellamy back. One of them lifted my good arm and slammed it against the armrest so the small knife clattered to the floor, covered in my blood. “She’s using a pain response to fight the serum, she needs to be restrained.” 

“Why fight?” Derrick asked me. 

That was an easy question to answer. “Because I should be able to choose which parts of myself I show to people, and you’re not having this one.” 

He changed tactics, but he lowered his voice before he continued, “Don’t think we won’t come back to this.” 

“Looking forward to it,” I grunted back, my eyes flicking to Bellamy. _I’m sorry._

“Alyssa, would you please tell us what happened the day of the attack?” 

“I woke up, and realised everyone was under the simulation. So I played along until I found Bellamy,” I replied. _This one was easy, the next one might not be._

“What happened after you and Bellamy were separated?”

“Sydney ordered to have me executed,” I searched the crowd for Octavia and locked eyes with her, “But Octavia Blake saved me. We escaped, and…” _No._ “And…” I couldn’t lift my bad arm up again, because a Dauntless soldier on my left was forcing it against the armrest. I fought the serum, the serum fought harder. I kept fighting, but the serum won. “Some of the Dauntless followed us, and I killed them. Then Octavia took me to the other Abnegation, and some of us formed a plan to destroy the simulation. We infiltrated the Dauntless compound, and I went to the control room alone. Then I saw Bellamy.”

“Bellamy said you fought him, but you stopped. Why did you do that?” Derrick asked. 

I glanced at Bellamy out of the corner of my eye, “Because the only way for either of us to win would be to kill the other, and I couldn’t kill him.” 

“You gave up?” 

“No! No, it wasn’t like that. I just… to kill someone, it’s either something you do in the moment, to save yourself, or to save someone else, or you have to be able to look at them and only see what they’ve done, instead of who they are. I couldn’t do that. I looked at him and I didn’t see the simulation, I saw Bellamy. I couldn’t shoot him. If I shot him and I shut down the simulation, I could’ve saved everybody, but I wasn’t willing to live in a world that didn’t have him in it. Maybe it was a last ditch attempt to save him, maybe a part of me thought that this would work. But I honestly don’t know.” I sighed, forcing my bloody hand out of the soldier’s grip to wipe my eyes with the back of it. “I didn’t know if it would work, and I didn’t care if it didn’t. One of my fears is losing the people I care about, and I just couldn’t do it.”

“So you were never under the simulation?” 

“No. I am Divergent.” 

“Where does your allegiance lie? With your faction?” 

“Sort of. But more with my family,” I swallowed thickly, unsure when exactly I decided to stop fighting the serum. “Not my biological family. Not my blood. But if it was between my family, and anyone in my faction then I’d choose my family in a heartbeat.” 

“How do we know that we can trust you?” 

_May the truth set you free_. A popular Candor phrase that is one hell of a load of bullshit. 

“You can’t.” 

Across the room, Bellamy let out a sigh. I didn’t look, but I knew it was him. Yeah, that sigh pretty much summed up my entire day. Derrick took an interest in this answer, pushing harder. “Can’t trust you? Or can’t _know_ if we can trust you?” 

“Both. You _could_ trust me. But you probably shouldn’t. Hell, I don’t even trust myself sometimes. There’s a few people who can trust me, because I would without a doubt jump in front of a bullet for them. But that list is so short I can count it on both hands. By the way, you’re not on it.” 

“I didn’t think so,” Derrick quirked an eyebrow. 

“So yeah, by all means trust me with your life. But it would probably be a pretty bad judgement call on your part. However, I can confirm that neither me nor Bellamy Blake were working with the Erudite.” 

Out of the corner of my eye, Bellamy put his head in his hands. Yeah, that was an appropriate response. I really fucked this up. They were never going to trust us now. Then again, it was within good reason. I would’ve done the same, but I wasn’t allowed to _move_ my goddamn _hands._

“Next question—” Derrick began. 

I interrupted him with, “Lay it on me, Ricky boy.” 

He wasn’t impressed.

“Is there any other reason why we can’t trust you?” 

“Yes. I’ve killed people. A lot of people. A lot of Dauntless that were under the sim. I’m a murderer. I mean, sure, most of the people I killed recently were to protect my family, the people I care about… but it’s not like I didn’t have a choice. I still chose to pull the trigger. There’s one person I shot and made sure he didn’t die, but that was also a conscious choice. I shot my best friend. He almost died. Despite everything I just said about diving in front of a bullet for my family, I still shot him.” I forced myself to look at Murphy. Murphy, alive and well. Murphy, with his arm in a sling because of the damage I caused. I closed my eyes and saw him, unconscious on the pavement with blood dripping from his wounds. “If I can do that without blinking, why should you trust me? If I had to choose between shooting you, and shooting someone I cared about, I’d shoot you in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t even be a choice.”

No one said anything, not even Derrick, but the serum forced me to continue. 

“I’m a loose cannon. A murderer. A monster.”

The room stayed silent. 

“So if you can’t trust me after all I’ve done, after all I’ve told you… then don’t. I get it, I’ve made a lot of choices most of you won’t agree with, and I can’t take them back. Avoid me like the plague, or don’t.” I finally broke down, sobs heaving my chest as I forced my head up, forced myself to stare directly past Derrick. Not at him, but at Luna. “But what you can do, if you want to beat Erudite, you can do one of the choices I could never see myself regretting. Put your faith in Bellamy Blake, because I’ve never met a man more loyal.” 

“Thank you for your honesty.”

The truth doesn’t set you free. What it does is put you in a glass box so everyone can see and judge you based on your flaws and decisions. After Diana Sydey’s simulation, more than a few of the Dauntless are murderers, but they weren’t making the conscious decision. I didn’t have that luxury, didn’t have that excuse. For me, it wasn’t that simple. And it never would be.


	33. This Is How It’s Gonna Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so a lot of stuff came out last chapter... that's... gonna be hell to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Dangerous by Royal Deluxe

When everyone began to file out of the room, I stayed exactly where I was. The soldiers left from where they were restraining me and the single blade lay on the floor, untouched, even though my spots of blood were the only colour on the stark marble. Murphy put a hand on my good shoulder as he passed, squeezing it gently. Raven sent me an apologetic glance and Clarke handed Bellamy a bandage for my hand, which I had almost forgotten was still bleeding. Some of the Dauntless gave me a wide berth as they left, others stayed close enough for me to hear their harsh whispers. 

Even though I could hear their opinions, they breezed over my head like the wind. I wasn’t sure if it was because I felt so numb, after baring my soul to the world, or if it was because I’d become so used to hearing them from Astrid over the last two years it had desensitised me… but it was nice not caring, for however long that feeling might last. 

The dizziness subsided as the serum wore off. Either it was the remains of the serum making my vision swim as it left my system, or the tears still glazed over my eyes, but I didn’t pay attention long enough to find out which. A hand found mine and lifted it up, and when I looked to see who it was I realised it was Bellamy. He wrapped it in the bandage and used the end of his shirt to wipe away the blood that had dripped down my wrist before inspecting it lightly. 

“You’ll recover,” he said quietly, careful not to squeeze my hand too hard.

“Will I?”

Neither of us were referring to my injury. 

~

That night, when everyone was asleep, I got up and climbed the stairs to the roof. Yeah, the lift would’ve been easier, less painful, but I did what I was used to: drowning out one pain with a different kind of pain. My muscles burned by the time I reached the twelfth floor but I refused to stop, refused to take a break. I pushed the door open out onto the roof and bent over, breathless. The cool air attacked me from all sides and I pulled my jacket around me tighter as I walked towards the edge of the roof and swung my legs over the side, letting them dangle over the edge of the building as I sat there. 

I sat there until the sun rose. 

Despite being up all night, I was wide awake and alert as Miller burst onto the roof, panting. “Shit, Lyss. I’ve been trying to find you for like an hour, but you don’t make it easy. Luna said she saw you coming up here on the cameras and said you were probably still here. I brought a fresh bandage for your shoulder, and your hand.” 

“Thanks,” I sighed, holding out my hand and letting him change the bandage around my palm before swinging my legs back onto the roof, ditching my jacket and tugging my shirt over my head. My tank top from underneath stayed on, and I applied some of the salve before pressing the fresh bandage over it. “Miller?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Why did everyone leave Dauntless HQ?” 

He shrugged, “It has the most surveillance cameras of any area in the city. We knew the Erudite could probably access the footage, and that it would take forever to find all the cameras, so we thought it was best to just leave.” 

“Smart,” I nodded. 

“We have our moments,” he grinned, holding out a hand. “Now, are you going to sulk all day that all your old wounds are out in the open, or are you going to come with a few of us on a top-secret mission?” 

My mouth twitched. “Top secret mission, you say?” 

“Of the _utmost_ importance,” Miller added dramatically. “We’re going to the top of the Hancock building to spy on Erudite.” 

“I’m in,” I decided firmly. “Who’s coming?” 

“Clarke, me, Gaia— she’s one of the younger Dauntless-borns— and a Candor called Bryan who has a personal vendetta against Erudite after his parents were killed in the attack on Abnegation. Wants us to teach him how to shoot and everything.” There was a spark in Miller’s eye as he mentioned the other boy and I quirked an eyebrow. He noticed and scowled at me. “No. I know what you’re thinking.” 

“A friend?” I waggled my eyebrows suggestively when Miller ducked his head and looked away. “A _lover_?” 

“Shut up,” he rolled his eyes and swatted me in the arm and I broke into a grin. 

“He is!” I cheered, “Bold of you to get attached to someone from another faction, but considering I started dating my initiation instructor before initiation was even over, I don’t think I can lecture you on choices. Is he cute?” 

Miller rolled his eyes again and steered me towards the door, “We leave when it gets dark, but I wanted to rope you in on the mission in advance because it seems like your skill set might be required.” 

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then,” I smirked. “Which skill set? Angry and murderous?” 

“Small and sneaky,” he corrected. 

I shrugged, “I can do both, you know.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Miller laughed. “Now let's get some food. They don’t have chocolate cake like at Dauntless, but the ice cream isn’t bad here. I should know, I was raised on it. 

I wondered what ice cream tasted like. “I’ve never had ice cream,” I revealed. 

“You’re trying all of it. All the flavours. _All._ ” 

Who am I to argue with that?

~

A few hours after lunch— and I had eaten so much ice cream I could barely move— I found Bellamy. He was looking out of one of the large windows, deep in thought, and I stood next to him for a few moments before saying anything. In the end, he spoke first. 

“Hey,” he said quietly. 

“Hey.” 

“Somehow, Luna trusts us— even after everything you said. I think it was something to do with how painfully honest you were, and you wouldn’t do anything to purposefully endanger any of our lives so she trusts you,” Bellamy said after a while. “How’s your hand? Your shoulder?”

“They’ve seen better days, but they’ve also seen worse,” I shrugged. 

Bellamy hesitated, “You said a lot of things in there.” 

“I did. So did you.” 

“I don’t know which to address first.” 

I sighed, “Am I really the only reason you stayed at Dauntless? Things could’ve been so much easier for you if you’d left. It’s not exactly like being with me is easy.” There it was: an out. I was giving him an out. “I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want it.”

“Easy is overrated,” he whispered, pulling me into him and resting his chin on top of my head as he wrapped his arms around me. “I don’t want easy. I want you. Do you regret any of this? Us?”

“No,” I shook my head, burying it in his shirt. “Never. You?”

“Never. We’re in this together, okay?” He pulled away, his hands light as they slid down over my arms. “Okay?”

I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay.” I pushed myself up onto my tiptoes and wrapped my good arm around him as I pressed my lips to his, my other hand resting on his chest, on his tattoo, on his heart. “Okay,” I whispered, more firmly this time as I gave up on fighting the smile that crossed my lips whenever he was like this. 

Bellamy mirrored my expression, the only difference in the way he chewed on his lower lip a little, “Please don’t jump in front of a bullet for me. It was one of the things you said in there, and I’d really prefer you didn’t do that.” 

“Like you could stop me,” I teased. “Seriously, I’d like to see you try. Oh! Before I forget, a group of us are going to the top of the Hancock building tonight to spy on the Erudite. Don’t worry, I’m like seventy percent sure we’re taking weapons.” 

“Only seventy?” He raised an eyebrow and I shrugged. 

“Well I know _I’m_ bringing weapons, but I can’t speak for anyone else.”

He smirked, “Good. But please be careful?”

“Careful is my middle name!” I protested. 

“The first time I tried to call you selfless you put it down as zero impulse control and no self-preservation,” Bellamy pointed out as I scowled at him. “Just make sure no one does anything stupid? Yourself included?”

“Thought you liked it when I was reckless,” I raised both eyebrows and smirked.

Bellamy laughed, kissing my forehead. “As long as it doesn’t get you killed.”

“Fine,” I relented. “I’ll be _careful_.”

~

Miller and Clarke joined me in the elevator down to the ground floor so we could leave. It was quiet, until Miller broke the silence by asking the most random of questions, “Is it true they have stoner bread at Amity?” 

Clarke pinched the bridge of her nose in disappointment, elbowing him in the ribs lightly. “They put peace serum in it to keep everyone relaxed.”

“I got angry on laundry duty and they had to give it to me straight,” I admitted. “It was weird.” 

Miller’s eyebrows shot up, “I can’t imagine you high. I literally can’t. You have the most chaotic personality out of anyone I’ve ever met. What was it like?”

I pulled a face, “Embarrassing.” 

Clarke folded her arms for a moment, deep in thought before she remembered it, “Oh my god! Murphy totally told me about that. You were acting so out of character he was genuinely concerned.”

“I said a lot of things I’d rather not repeat. Reliving that day is like a headache, if a headache could simultaneously sound like your worst nightmare while looking like puppies and rainbows,” I explained. 

Miller laughed, “That’s pretty vivid.”

“I don’t know, I can’t picture it.” Clarke shrugged.

“The embarrassment was so hardcore that just thinking about it makes me feel like I have a moonshine hangover, can you picture it now? I’ve blocked the event out of my memory but I’m pretty sure Bellamy found the whole thing hilarious once he realised it wasn’t permanent.”

The elevator doors opened and Gaia and Bryan were already waiting. Kara Cooper was there as well, and she handed out the guns. Something blue flickered behind her shoulder and I frowned, stepping to the side to get a better look. 

That’s when the guns went off and the glass door shattered, peppering us with small fragments. Dauntless soldiers with blue armbands were attacking, and someone shouting out a warning: “ _Traitors!_ ” We drew our guns, and I fired at the attackers, taking down two and injuring one more. But there were too many to count. Around me, people were dropping like flies, and I tried not to focus on the fact that my friends could be dead or dying. 

A blue beam pointing at my chest and I froze, dodging out of the way but not fast enough as it ploughed into me and I fell to the ground.


	34. This Is Not Another Drill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh great, looks like we're meeting McCreary again. Spoiler alert; him and Lyss still aren't on very good terms since they SHOT EACHOTHER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Glory by The Score, a song that is perfect for almost any action sequence

Three things occurred to me as I pushed myself up from the ground. One, I wasn’t dead (yet). Two, I wasn’t injured either. What I had assumed was a bullet hadn’t seemed to draw any blood at all. Instead, there was now a raised, hardened area on the back of my shoulder that hadn’t been there before. Three, this meant that they weren’t trying to kill us. The force of the gunshot had only knocked me down, but that didn’t seem to be the case for everyone else. As far as I could see, everyone else was unconscious. 

Something hit the floor next to me and I turned over to look at it. It was a small cylinder, about the length of the sole of my shoe. White smoke sprayed out of both ends and I threw it away from me, deeper into the lobby as I coughed. 

What was the point in all this? 

Why not just kill us?

The Dauntless traitors entered the lobby with their guns raised, and I pretended to be lifeless on the floor like all the others in an attempt not to draw attention to myself. 

A voice I recognised almost too well filled the lobby, “Why can’t we just shoot them all in the head? No war if the other side doesn’t have an army,” Ontari pointed out. 

“Now, Ontari, we can’t just kill _everyone_ ,” another voice laughed. “Besides, you’re not here to ask questions. You’re here to follow orders. Half in the elevators, half in the stairwells, left and right! Go!” 

I would know that voice anywhere. That voice belonged to Paxton McCreary, one of the leaders of Dauntless. If he was here, I was in trouble. If he was here, I wouldn’t get out of this alive. He hates me more than anyone else, and that’s saying a lot— I’ve pissed off more than my fair share of people. My eyes flicked to where I had dropped my gun when I fell. Could I reach it? Probably. Could I fire before he noticed? Definitely. Would one of the other Dauntless notice and shoot me immediately after? Absolutely.

My other shoulder twinged in pain from where I’d landed on it, and I continued to lie on the floor even as one of the Dauntless soldiers stepped on my fingers as they passed, and a muffled grunt of pain escaped my lips, masked by the sound of their boots squeaking on the tiles as they walked away. I flexed my fingers once they were gone. Nothing was broken— _thankfully_ — but they hurt like hell. 

Whatever they gassed us with had to be simulation related, that was the only explanation for why I was still awake. Because I was Divergent. Which meant if there were any other Divergents in the building, they would be awake too. They would be in danger. Either way, if McCreary was here, Bellamy was in danger. I pushed myself up onto my feet and walked over to one of the dead Dauntless traitors. There was a bullet wound in her forehead and a small part of me wondered if I was the one to shoot her. I reached for the blue armband on her jacket, but when I realised it was attached I rolled her over and unzipped it, throwing it on over the top of my other jacket. 

As I climbed the stairs I thought of the conversation with Bellamy. 

_“Thought you liked it when I was reckless?”_

_“As long as it doesn’t get you killed.”_

This could definitely get me killed. 

Plan A: find more Divergents and either rescue them/get them to help me fight the traitors. 

Plan B: warn the others on the higher floors and get them to evacuate (but only if I can’t find any Divergents on the second floor).

Plan C: use one of their non-lethal guns/sleeping sim canisters and beat them at their own game.

Plan D: attack McCreary myself. And probably die in the process.

Bellamy would hate Plan D if he knew about it. Hence why it isn’t Plan A. I shoved the second-floor door open and began to scour the faces of the unconscious to look for any signs that they were faking. So far, none of them were. 

McCreary pushed past me as someone called for him, luckily not recognising me. I followed at a distance to see why he had been summoned, and spotted a Dauntless soldier leaning over a Candor woman who had her hands behind her head as she whimpered. “Divergent. Well done,” he smirked. “Bring her to the elevator bank. We’ll decide which ones to kill and which ones to bring back later.”

Where were they bringing us? Erudite? 

Then it happened. So quick I almost missed it. A dark-haired little girl’s nose twitched as she suppressed a sneeze. I crept closer, nudging her with my foot. She tried to stay still, but that was what gave her away. If she had been limper and had moved a little, it would’ve been less obvious. Luckily I was the one that got to her, and not the Dauntless traitors. “Hey, kid,” I whispered. “I know you’re faking. It’s okay, I was too. If you stay quiet, you can make a run for the stairs, okay? I’ll tell you when to run.” She had to have been what, _eight?_ Nine? McCreary couldn’t get his hands on her. I wouldn’t let him. I glanced up, the soldiers seemed to all have moved on. “Now. Go.” 

She got up and shot towards the stairs. The door clicked shut behind her, and I sighed in relief. But then I caught sight of my reflection in one of the windows, and I was not alone. 

McCreary was standing right behind me. 

And his grin was chilling. 

I wouldn’t be able to outrun him, if I decided to make a break for it. And if I tried to shoot him, he would shoot me first. That, and being the little impulsive idiot that I am, I didn’t pick up my gun before I came upstairs. I spun around, slamming my elbow into his nose. He grabbed my arm and gripped it tightly as he placed a gun barrel against my forehead. 

“I don’t understand what you thought you would accomplish, coming up here with no gun,” he laughed. “Are you stupid?” 

“I’m smart enough to do this,” I grimaced, kicking his knee which had received a bullet to it less than a month ago. Erudite healing salves were good, but they weren’t _that_ good. He yelled in pain before slamming the side of his gun into the side of my head and knocking me to the ground. Blood trickled from my ear and down my neck and I shuddered, pulling myself to my feet and raising my fists with both my nose and my lip bloody. He regained his grip on my arm and hauled me along after him. 

He hadn’t shot me yet. 

He wasn’t allowed to kill me. 

McCreary pushed me in front of him along the corridor, and I shifted to the side slightly, so after a few more moments of walking I could slam the heel of my boot up between his legs. His grip loosened slightly as he cried out, giving me just enough room to twist myself free and move forward. Before I could escape, he grabbed my elbow to yank my back and pushed his thumb into the wound on my shoulder, twisting it until I screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping the kid from before couldn’t hear me. _“MOTHERFUCKER!”_

“I _thought_ I recalled shooting you in that shoulder,” he smirked. “Guess you haven’t been exposed to the same tech I have.” The plain blinded me for a second or two and my legs gave out from under me, but McCreary didn’t give me the chance to hit the ground as he dragged me towards the elevator bank by my collar. The fabric choked me, digging into my throat as I gasped, moving only to throw off the jacket and it’s awful blue armband. “By the way, didn’t anyone ever tell you women shouldn’t swear?” 

I ignored the pain long enough to bark out, “Get. Fucked.” Before I spat some of the blood pooling in my mouth into his face. He wiped it off in disgust, muttering the word _bitch_ under his breath as he did so. 

“I want a gun on her at all times,” he ordered Ontari. “Not just aimed at her. _On_ her.” 

Ontari was happy to comply, pushing the gun barrel into the back of my neck as she forced me onto my knees. “Good to see you again,” she hissed into my ear. “If we were in better circumstances, I’d be able to kill you myself.” 

“You and I clearly have very different opinions on ‘better circumstances’,” I laughed weakly, blood dripping from my mouth. I turned to McCreary, “What’s the matter? Afraid of a little girl?” 

“I’m not stupid, I know you’re the best attack dog they’ve got. Which is why I’m sure you’ll be put down soon enough,” he smirked. “And Diana briefed me on your life pre-Dauntless. Quite the little psycho, aren’t you? I was right all along.” 

_Don’t rise to it. Don’t rise to it. Don’t rise to it._ “Bite me, McCreary.” 

It took everything I had not to reach for one of my knives and bury it in him there and then. But if I did, Ontari would shoot me. Then again, if I could bring that sad son of a bitch down with me, the world _would_ be a better place. _No. Bellamy would want me to wait. To plan. To think._ So think. 

The Candor woman I saw earlier sobbed next to me, and there were four others between the two rows of elevators, kept in place by Dauntless with guns. One of the elevator doors opened and a Dauntless soldier shoved a girl down next to me, her grey shirt red with the blood that was slowly dripping from her nose. She looked up, and the hair covering her face fell to the side. “Octavia?” I hissed in surprise. Surprise that she got caught, not surprise that she was Divergent. If anyone was going to be like me, it was the fierce younger Blake sibling.

“Huh, guess I’m Divergent,” she laughed weakly. “Wicked.” 

Slowly, inch by inch so that Ontari wouldn’t notice, I shrunk my right arm into my jacket to reach for a knife. I was getting out of here. Octavia was getting out of here. We were going to survive this. That, and Bellamy couldn’t lose both of us in one night. 

McCreary began to pace, like an evil supervillain that spends so much time describing his master plan, the good guys attack before he even gets to the end. Yeah, Paxton McCreary in a nutshell. “My orders are to take only two of you back to Erudite for testing. The rest of you are to be executed. There are several ways to determine who among you will be least useful to us.” He stopped in front of me, “The brain finishes developing at age twenty-five, which means your Divergence isn’t completely developed. You’re rather young, nowhere near finished developing. But something I know is that most of the Divergent only get two results in the aptitude test. Some only get one. No one has ever gotten three, not because of aptitude, but simply because the simulation isn’t supposed to allow it. Something tells me that you’ve got enough of a screw loose to force the sim to give you three. So unfortunately, I’m going to hold off from killing you just yet.” He turned to Octavia. “You, on the other hand…” 

He raised his gun and several things happened at once. I pushed up from the ground, kicking Octavia to the side as I pulled out the knife and buried it in McCreary’s stomach. It wasn’t exactly the best place to kill him, but if he was going to have a slow death then I was more than a little happy at that. Several guns went off at once, and one of them might have been Ontari’s but I was too full of adrenaline to notice. I spun around and grabbed another knife in time to slit her throat, using her body to shield me as I threw a knife at one of the other Dauntless. Covered in blood, I stood there as the amount of Dauntless in the room seemed to double. I dived for McCreary’s gun but one of the remaining Dauntless traitors dug his heel into my shoulder to stop me from getting it, and I cried out in pain before sticking a knife in his thigh so he stumbled back. 

Gunshots went off in all directions as my tears mixed with Ontari’s blood, which covered me from head to toe. Someone shielded Octavia’s body with her own— Raven— and fired a gun at the Dauntless traitors as they receded, not prepared from an attack from all sides. An arm wrapped around me and pushed me against the wall as Bellamy shielded me from the gunfire. “Tell me if anyone’s behind me!” He shouted over the sound of the fighting.

I was weak from pain, but I could still aim. “I’ll do you one better,” I gasped, taking his other gun and firing it as the Dauntless traitors as some of them tried to fight back, others running from the stairs. When I ran out of bullets I grabbed another knife, throwing it through the air until it pierced a traitor’s throat from behind and they crumpled to the ground. 

How many knives was that now? Three? Four? I’d lost track, too engrossed in the firing. How the hell were the other Dauntless awake? What had I missed? 

The gunfire subsided and I leant against the wall, breathless and bloody with my left hand clenched into the fabric of Bellamy’s shirt to deal with the pain. When I ran out of bullets I dropped the gun, the pain producing tears that clung to the corners of my eyes. Everything hurt. Everything hurt. The pain from my shoulder crackled through my entire body, and my head spun from McCreary’s initial blow. 

“Is it over?” I asked, resting my forehead against Bellamy’s shoulder and ignoring the bloody marks it left there. 

“It’s over,” he sighed, “How much of that blood is yours?” 

“Can’t tell. Don’t think I’m anymore shot than before. Don’t think I’ve been stabbed. Remember when I said I looked like shit but I felt brilliant? Yeah, this isn’t one of those times. Go check on your sister, I’ll be fine,” I reassured him, even though everything hurt and I was Not Fine. He nodded, leaving me temporarily to go to Octavia, who had somehow come out of this virtually unscathed and now had to deal with the fact that she was Divergent. She looked almost the opposite of me, who was very obviously, very much scathed. Although I had a feeling she’d be looking a tad worse for wear if I hadn’t stabbed McCreary when I did, and that thought gave me the comfort that I _did_ do something right tonight. 

Once Bellamy had confirmed that his sister was okay, he came back to me. “How are you doing?” 

“Everything hurts and I’m not dying, but I totally feel like I am,” I summarised.

“Can you walk?” Bellamy hooked an arm under my shoulders and helped me to my feet. I sagged under my own weight and he propped me up. “Okay, we’ll start with something simpler. Can you _stand_ , Lyss?” 

“Mhm,” I mumbled quietly, nodding and leaning against the wall unsteadily. “Definitely. Yep. A-Okay. Absolutely.” That should’ve been the first hint. The more confirmations I use, the less likely they are true.

The moment he let go, my knees buckled and Bellamy had to catch me before I hit the floor. “Alright, I got you,” he put his arm around me to keep me upright and I leant my entire weight against him. 

“I’m very impressed at my own ability to stay conscious right now,” I rambled on for no reason in particular. “A large— monumentally large— part of my brain is insisting I go to sleep right now, but I told it to shut up.” 

“We need to get you cleaned up before you can sleep,” he told me. 

“Strip poker.” I asked, pointing finger guns at him. The whole question was meant to be “Have you ever played strip poker?” But for some reason it didn’t all come out. God knows why I felt like asking that now.

Bellamy narrowed his eyes at me, “Are you asking or telling me?” 

“Both. Neither. I have a headache, can we get ice cream?” I asked, my head lolling against his shoulder. 

“Alright, new approach,” he sighed, swinging me into his arms instead of helping me walk so we could push through the crowd quicker. It reminded me from the day I spent drugged-up at Amity. Bellamy stopped just in front of Luna, who was hovering in the corridor with the little girl I had rescued hiding behind her. 

“I wanted to thank you,” Luna said quietly, and it took me a few seconds before I realised she was addressing me. “You kept Adria alive, and I believe I trust you after this. Whether that is a bad judgement call or not, we are allies.” 

“Yay,” I smiled, trying my best to keep awake as I reached out and patted Adria on the head. “Glad you’re still alive, kid.” 

If she said anything else, I fell unconscious before hearing it.


	35. It’s Been A Really Really Messed Up Week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Tonight Tonight by Hot Chelle Rae because it's a bop

When I woke up, not only was I no longer covered in blood, there was also a bottle of salve on the table next to the cot for my various cuts and bruises, accompanied by a bowl of ice cream. I looked up between the salve and the ice cream for a moment, before staring at Bellamy. The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them, almost as if I was on the truth serum again. “Fuck, _marry me._ ”

He laughed, ducking his head and blushing as he laughed. “Maybe after we’ve won the war, Lyss.”

I threw my head back against the pillow and winced, “Everything hurts.”

“That is a side effect of doing… whatever the hell it was you did in there,” he laughed. “I’m sorry we couldn’t come for you sooner.” 

“I thought only the Divergents were awake?” I frowned, “How did you—” 

“It’s a long story,” Bellamy sighed, “You might want to pick up that dessert before I start. It’s not as good as the Dauntless cake though.” 

I nodded, grabbing the cold bowl and resting it on my chest, pausing for a second to hold it against my head instead of eat it straight away to relieve the headache, which made Bellamy laugh a little. “Alright, hit me with it.” 

“When the Erudite reached the lobby stairwell, one of them didn’t go to the second floor. Instead, he went up to the highest levels of the building and evacuated a group of us to a fire escape that the traitors hadn’t sealed yet. Then we went into the lobby and split into four groups that stormed the stairwells all at once, surrounding them and fighting until they either died or ran for it.”

Wow. Didn’t see that coming. “Who was the Erudite?” 

“A guy named Gabriel Santiago.”

I finished the ice cream and handed the bowl back, before twisting uncomfortably to get to the weird not-a-bullet thing stuck in the back of my shoulder. “I’m taking this out.” 

Bellamy sighed, “Are you sure? Looks like it’ll hurt like hell.” 

“Oh, it will,” I replied. “Best to get it over with.” I pulled out a knife and began to work it up. A small area of blue strands was left behind it as I eased it out, wincing until I pried it up enough to yank it out, blood dripping down my back. “Fucking hell,” I grimaced. It looked almost as if someone had injected blue dye into the veins surrounding it. I held up the needle and raised an eyebrow. It was almost as long as my little finger and covered in blood, but what’s new? “What was in this thing? It had to have been part of the reason everyone passed out. Tell me about the simulation serum.” 

He took the needle from my hand and inspected it, “Well it has two parts, usually. The transmitter and the liquid that induces the simulation. The transmitter communicates information between the brain and the computer, and the liquid alters the brain to put it in a simulation state.”

“What happens to the transmitter after the simulation? It only works for one, doesn’t it?” 

“It dissolves. As far as I know, the Erudite haven’t been able to develop a transmitter that lasts for more than one simulation, although the attack sim lasted far longer than any sim I’ve seen before,” Bellamy explained. 

“When they attacked, they weren’t trying to kill us. They shot us with these,” I gestured to the needle. 

“What happened after you were shot?”

I shrugged, pressing a bandage to the puncture wound and mopping up the excess blood. “They tossed these gas canisters into the room and everyone who wasn’t Divergent fell unconscious. Thanks for showing up when you did, McCreary was trying to hunt us down.”

“He almost shot Octavia,” he said quietly. “You saved her. Thank _you_.” 

I smiled, “Well I wasn’t gonna let him shoot her. So after I realised everyone was asleep, I went to the second floor to figure out what was happening and to see if I could find any Divergent before McCreary did. I found Adria, and got her out before I was discovered. McCreary said he was trying to figure out which of us to take back with him— but he was only allowed to take two, and kill the rest— and I have no idea why he was going to take us in the first place.” 

“Weird,” he frowned. “My guess is that the needle injected you with a transmitter, and the gas was an aerosol version of the liquid that alters the brain… They put everyone to sleep to find out who the Divergent were, that much is true.” 

“That’s not the only reason for shooting us with transmitters, is it?” 

Bellamy’s expression turned grave. “I think you’ve already figured it out, but you want me to contradict you and I don’t think I can.” 

“Erudite has developed a long-lasting transmitter,” I groaned. “And we’re all wired for multiple sims. Fuck, we’re so screwed.” 

He paused for a second, watching me, and I narrowed my eyes at him to try and gauge what he was thinking. “You attacked McCreary. Was that during the invasion or when you were by the elevators?”

“Elevators.”

“You were downstairs, you could’ve run upstairs to get more people, yet you instead decided to dive into a crowd of armed Dauntless all by yourself. It was reckless and stupid and—” 

I cut him off, “Exactly what you would’ve done if you were in my position. I had two dozen knives and a way to get to McCreary before he killed anyone else, and I knew that if he found you then it wouldn’t be as simple as taking you to Erudite because he would’ve shot you there and then without blinking. And you said it yourself, I saved Octavia.” 

Bellamy ran a hand up and down the back of his neck, quiet for a moment. Then— “Did you know O was Divergent? Did you know she was up there, when you went on this crazy mission of yours?” 

_Yes_ , I could’ve lied. The word was on the tip of my tongue. “No. But I didn’t know who was, and who wasn’t. They brought her to the elevator bank after me and McCreary was about to _shoot_ her and that’s when I reacted.” 

He leant over and folded me into his arms. “I just don’t want to lose you,” Bellamy whispered. 

“Believe it or not I thought everything through. I had Plan A, B, C and D. Admittedly… I got as far as Plan D. I knew you wouldn’t like Plan D.”

“Plan D the suicide mission?” He raised an eyebrow, knowing me all too well. 

I nodded. “Plan D the suicide mission.” I hesitated for a second, “McCreary, is he…” 

“Alive? Unfortunately. Luna’s interrogating him under truth serum to see if she can find out the Erudite plan. We’re not allowed to be in there.”

As if on cue, like mentioning the interrogation had drawn her to us, Raven marched in at that exact moment, grabbed a chair, and slammed it down onto the floor to sit on it so hard that it scratched the marble— which had to have been pretty damn hard. “He knows nothing! Nothing! I understand it’s stupid to tell anyone the entire plan, smarter to give everyone their own piece so if you get betrayed the loss isn’t too great… but what do we do?” 

“Oh…” I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I held up the mostly-melted ice cream remains. “Ice cream?” 

~

Luna called a meeting in the interrogation room the next day, to share the information she’d gathered from McCreary and make sense of the current situation. She had a knack for calming people down, but it didn’t even make a scratch on the unease of the population right now. Thelonious arrived late last night, since he was the last living Abnegation leader he felt it right to provide any and all assistance that he could. 

“Quiet down everyone,” Luna spoke softly, no need to speak above the mutters of the crowd because apparently everyone respected her enough to stay silent. “I know many of you are confused and shaken by what happened. I’ve heard many reports from a variety of perspectives and have gotten a sense for what is straightforward, and what requires more investigation.” She tucked a piece of that glorious hair of hers behind her ear, “What seems to need more investigation, is the Divergent. If you are one of the Divergent, please step forward so that we can hear from you.” 

This didn’t feel right. I had come to learn that Divergent = Death. Or at least that’s how it worked at the moment. They already knew about me and Bellamy, so we stepped forwards anyway to stand in front of Luna, and after a second or two of pushing through the crowd, Octavia joined us. A few others stepped forwards, including Adria, but there weren’t many from Candor. The most surprising reveal was Thelonious Jaha. 

“Thelonious?” Luna quirked an eyebrow, and everyone’s attention fell on him. Wells was more than a little shocked, if the look on his face was anything to go by. 

“Yes. I understand that you are concerned, that everyone is concerned… You had barely heard of the Divergent a week ago, and now all that you know is that they are immune to something to which you are susceptible, and that is a frightening thing. But I can assure you that there is nothing to be afraid of, as far as we are concerned.” 

Luna moved on, “It seems clear to me that we were attacked so that the Erudite could find the Divergent. Do you know why that is?” 

“No,” Jaha replied, “Perhaps their intention was merely to identify us? If they intend to use their simulations again it seems like useful information to have.” 

“Bullshit. It wasn’t just that,” without realising, I inserted myself into the conversation. I glanced at Bellamy and he gave me a subtle nod, urging me to continue. “They wanted to take two of us to Erudite and kill the rest. They’ve been killing us since before any of this happened.” 

“That seems to me like a conspiracy theory,” Luna replied. “Why would they want to kill you?” 

Because we can’t be controlled, and Diana Sydney likes control. Because we don’t fit into society. I try to find a better answer, a more concrete one, but thankfully Bellamy took over. 

“We don’t know. But there are nearly a dozen mysterious deaths recorded among the Dauntless from the past six years, and there is a correlation between those people and irregular aptitude tests or initiation sim results.” 

Luna shook her head, brushing off the theory. “While that is intriguing, correlation does not constitute evidence.” 

“They almost shot a girl in the _head._ Does that seem like enough evidence for you?” I snapped.

“We have the perpetrator in custody and will be able to put him on trial for the attempted murder of Octavia Blake. However the Dauntless soldiers did not give any evidence of wanting to harm the majority of us, or they would have killed us while we were unconscious. Their peaceful invasion suggests to me that it may be possible to negotiate a peace treaty with the Erudite and the other Dauntless. Therefore, I will be arranging a meeting with Diana Sydney to discuss that possibility as soon as we can,” Luna said. 

“Peaceful? God, are you on Amity stoner bread or something?” I scoffed, and I noticed Bellamy itch his nose to hide a smile. “No offence, Amity trio that I brought on this hell-ride with me,” I waved apologetically to Harper, Jasper and Monty. “But seriously, is your head on straight? Just because they didn’t shoot you all doesn’t mean their intentions were somehow honorable. What, you think they came here just to run through your hallways, knock you unconscious, and leave?”

“I assume they came here for people like _you._ ” Luna gestured to the other Divergent. “And while I am concerned for your safety, I don’t think we can attack them just because they wanted to kill a fraction of your population.” 

My lip curled in disgust. “Killing you isn’t the worst thing they could do. Controlling you is.” 

Luna smiled, amused, “And how do you suggest they manage that?” 

“They shot you with simulation transmitter needles,” Bellamy confirmed. “Simulations control you, remember? So yeah, that’s how.”

“The transmitter is not a permanent implant,” she replied calmly. “If they were going to control us, they would have done it right away.”

“But—” 

“I understand you have been under a lot of stress, Alyssa, but I am beginning to believe your traumatic experiences have begun to impair your judgement. We cannot wage war against the Erudite on behalf of the speculations of a little girl.”

I was more than a little offended. Before I could do anything rash, Bellamy stepped in. “You don’t get to make our decisions for us.” It sparked a fire and the other Dauntless began to shout. “You are not the leader of our faction!” 

“If you would like to storm the Erudite compound underprepared and outnumbered without Candor support, and die in the process… Well, then that is your decision.” We stayed quiet as Luna smiled, knowing she had the upper hand. If we attacked without Candor it would be a bloodbath, but even if we attacked with them, Erudite could activate the sim at any given time. “I thought as much. I will contact Diana about a meeting to negotiate peace. Any questions?” 

I grabbed Bellamy and pulled him to one side, “We don’t need Candor.” 

“If we storm the Erudite compound without them we’ll all die. What are you suggesting?”

“We use…” I grimaced, not wanting to go down this path, not wanting to give Pike the satisfaction. “We use the factionless.”


	36. Stuck In My Head With Nothing Left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Bright by Julie and the Phantoms (tell your friends)

The next day, I helped with the clear up in the lobby to get rid of all the broken glass from the shattered windows. I wouldn’t normally volunteer to sweep the floors, even without a shoulder that tugged with every moment of the broom, but I needed something to distract me from the impending decision we had to make. Stay with the Candor and bargain for peace? Join the factionless for war? 

I looked out the space where the window used to be, towards the direction where the traitors came from, towards Erudite, when I saw them. Two Dauntless, one propping the other upright more than just a little as her leg dragged behind her limply, a wet patch covering her thigh where the blood was spilling out. Their blue arm bands said they were traitors, but their faces told another story. 

Because the woman was Diyoza, and the man helping her was Macallan, a Dauntless-born from my initiation class.

Dauntless raised their guns at them but I stepped in front of the fire, “Hold your fire! She needs medical attention!” 

“Why would we help a traitor?” One of them narrowed their eyes at me, and I walked around to the other side of Diyoza to loop her arm over my shoulder and help her into the lobby. 

“Because we’re not traitors,” Macallan sighed, laying Diyoza on the floor. “We’re spies.”

I sighed, “Cuff her to a bed to stop her from going on a shooting spree for all I care, but at least make sure she doesn’t bleed out! This is Diyoza, you _know_ her.” 

“Hope?” She gasped out, and I nodded. 

“She’s okay. She’s here.” 

“Good,” Diyoza replied, before falling unconscious. Several Dauntless reluctantly stepped forwards to carry her to the hospital ward, and someone else darted off to find a Dauntless medic. 

Once they were gone, I turned to Macallan. “What happened?” 

“Erudite found out we were collecting information from them and she got shot in the escape,” he explained.

Another Dauntless stepped forwards, eyebrows raised. “Nice story. Fancy telling it again under truth serum.” 

Macallan rolled his eyes, drawing an X over his heart with his finger before pulling his hands together outwards, like he expected to be cuffed. “Go right ahead. Haul me away, if you’re so desperate to. I was working to get Erudite defectors out safely, and Diyoza was trying to figure out what they were planning.”

After Macallan was cleared after a short interrogation with the truth serum, the remainder of my initiate class sat on one of the tables in the Candor room called the “Gathering Place” which had received many unfortunate Dauntless nicknames. Bellamy rounded the corner, sliding into the seat next to me and opposite Raven. “I found out what’s going on,” he announced in a hushed whisper, and we all leant in to listen. He rolled his eyes, “Well that’s not suspicious at all.” 

We all relaxed slightly, because he had a fair point. “Go on then,” I prompted. 

“Luna is meeting with a representative of Sydney at seven in the morning.” 

“Sydney not going herself?” Murphy frowned. 

Clarke rolled her eyes, “And risk getting shot by one of the hundreds of people who want her dead? I’d like to see her try. Lyss would take her out no problem and then we’d be free of this mess.”

“Let’s call that Plan B,” I laughed. “Not that I don’t want to, because I could definitely see myself shooting her in the head.” 

Miller nodded, “I can definitely see you shooting her in the head. Is Luna taking a Dauntless escort at least?” 

Bellamy nodded, “Some of the older members volunteered.”

Raven looked at me, “The real question is, if you were Erudite, what would _you_ say at this meeting?” 

All eyes turned to me and I pulled a face, “Why?” 

“You’re Divergent,” she reminded me. Like I needed a reminder. 

“And? So is Bellamy.”

“Yeah, but does he have an aptitude for Erudite? No. Do you? Yes.” Raven pointed out. 

I narrowed my eyes at her, “Why would you think I did?” 

“Seems likely. Probably a little less so than your aptitude for Dauntless, but it’s there,” she sent me a knowing look. “Work your magic, Alyssa.”

I sighed, “You grew up in Erudite, you know how they think!” 

“But not in the same way you do.” 

“Well if I was in this situation, staring at a group of Dauntless guards and Luna Rivers, I probably wouldn’t resort to violence. Especially considering Luna is also ex-Dauntless,” I shrugged. “It’d be a death sentence. But being me, if I had to I’d probably shoot anyway.” 

“If you had your own Dauntless guards, all it takes is one shot and Rivers is dead, and Erudite’s better off,” Murphy shrugged. 

“Whoever they send to talk to Luna isn’t going to be random, Sydney will carefully choose someone important. It would be a stupid move to fire on Luna and risk losing the representative,” I replied. 

Raven smirked, “This is why we needed you to analyse the situation. If it was me, I’d kill him. Or I’d have you kill him, since you're a slightly better shot. It would be worth the risk.”

“Slightly?” I raised an eyebrow. 

Raven glowered at me, “Shut up.” 

I sighed, “I think that Sydney will manipulate Luna, because she knows she will do anything to protect her faction, her people. Even if it means sacrificing the Divergent, or sacrificing the Dauntless. We need to hear what goes on in that meeting.” 

Clarke smirked, “So let’s listen in.” 

~

We geared up with weapons before leaving to eavesdrop, and Bellamy touched my good shoulder gently before walking to the other end of the roof to wordlessly say he wanted to talk. “You’re going to eavesdrop.” It wasn’t a question. 

I nodded, “Yeah. Me, Raven, Murphy, Miller, Macallan and Clarke. We got it covered.” 

“Are you going to be reckless?” He asked quietly. “I don’t want you to be reckless like in the attack.” 

I watched him carefully, “Would it matter if I said yes? You can’t stop me from going.” 

“Then you can’t stop me from coming.” 

I shrugged, “Good, we make a good team.” 

~

The sun hadn’t risen yet by the time we reached the bridge where the meeting was taking place, and it was only just still dark. As slivers of light began to creep along the horizon, we got into position by inching along the lower lip of the bridge supports, climbing along the metal girders underneath until we got to the middle. It was a lot harder than I anticipated— climbing with a still-injured shoulder— and my shoulder shook as I tried to balance. Bellamy was there to catch me if necessary, like usual. Raven and Murphy perched on the beams and I wondered how Clarke, Miller and Macallan were doing, since they volunteered to watch our backs from one of the neighbouring buildings.

At seven o’clock exactly, Bellamy checked his watch and held out his arm to show me the time. Luna arrived promptly with her Dauntless guards, and the Erudite were already waiting. I leant backwards, craning my neck as I held onto a belt I had secured around one of the bridge supports for extra grip, trying to see who the Erudite representative was. I heard him before I saw him. _Cage Wallace._

“Hello Luna,” Cage greeted her. “Wow, we haven’t met like this since what… before our choosing ceremony? When you left us for those truth-seekers?” 

“Nothing personal, Cage. I just followed my heart and my aptitude test. Where’s Diana? I would’ve thought she would at least have the courtesy to show up herself.” Luna replied calmly yet guardedly. 

Cage smirked. “Diana and I divide our responsibilities according to our strengths. That means I make all military decisions. I believe that includes what we are doing today.” 

“Fine,” Luna acknowledged him. “I came to—” 

“I should inform you that this will not be a negotiation,” Cage warned. “In order to negotiate, you have to be on even footing, and you, Luna, are not.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean that you are the only disposable faction. Candor does not provide us with protection, sustenance, or technological innovation. Therefore you are expendable to us. And you have not done much to win the favour of your Dauntless guests,” he smiled, “so you are completely vulnerable and completely useless. I recommend, therefore, that you do exactly as I say.” 

Luna’s hands curled into fists. “You piece of scum. How _dare_ —” 

“Now, let’s not get testy,” Cage warned. 

I frowned, thinking to myself. What self-respecting Dauntless man would say the word “testy”? And we are known for reacting rashly to insults, not in the way Cage is playing right now, which means… which means he isn’t saying what he wants, he’s saying what _Sydney_ wants. And that has to be through an earpiece. I clicked my fingers once, quietly, to get Bellamy’s attention before pointing to my ear and then at Cage directly above me. He frowned and then nodded, but I couldn’t be sure that he fully understood. 

“I have three requirements,” Cage announced. “First, that you return the Dauntless leader you currently hold in captivity unharmed. Second, that you allow your compound to be searched by our soldiers so that we can extract the Divergent; and third, that you provide us with the names of those who were not injected with the simulation serum.”

“Why?” Luna prompted. “What are you searching for? And why do you need those names? What do you intend to do with them?” 

She was thinking of her people. I could tell, she was thinking of Adria. She wouldn’t hand her over willingly, no matter what the Erudite promised. 

“The purpose of our search would be to locate and remove any Divergent from the premises. And as for the names, that is none of your concern.” 

“None of my concern! These are my people, Cage, and I will _not_ put them at risk,” she stormed over to him and in true Dauntless fashion, lifted the scrawny man off his feet slightly as she gripped the collar of his shirt. 

Cage managed to squeak out, “Release me, or I will order my guards to fire.” 

If Diana is speaking through Wallace, then she had to be able to see him to know he had been grabbed. Which means she is nearby. Earpieces only have what… quarter-mile range? I scanned the area, my eyes falling on a glass building at the edge of the bank where the river bent. I waved to Bellamy, forming my hand into a gun and then pointing it at the building. That had to be where she was. I started to climb back towards the staircase that would lead me to the street and he followed immediately. Murphy tapped Raven on the shoulder to get her attention but she was already doing something else. 

I had barely noticed Raven scaling the edge of the bridge, having taken out her gun. Before any of us could stop her, she shoved her arm over the lip of the bridge and squeezed the trigger, a bullet burying itself in Cage. Not that that wasn’t incredibly satisfying to watch, but it also put us in a really compromising position. I dropped into the mud, ignoring the way my feet almost got stuck every time I moved them forwards to take another step. Bellamy landed lightly next to me and Murphy and Raven followed as we ran towards the concrete. Guns fired at us and I turned around briefly to fire back a few times before Bellamy grabbed me and hauled me along with him forcing me against the wall under the bridge and out of the way of the bullets.

We had two options: run back to Candor to “safety”, or attack Diana Sydney while she’s vulnerable. 

Correction, we had _one_ option. 

“Come on,” I hissed, making a break for the stairs and across the bridge once I was up. Luna was safe, she had acquired one of her injured Dauntless guards’ guns and was firing back like crazy. She may no longer officially be Dauntless, but she sure as hell could’ve been. 

A flash of movement caught my eye on the alley to my right, just to the side of the glass building and I skidded to follow it, chasing the figures down the alley. One was Diana Sydney, the other I didn’t recognise, and the final guard was Dax, who I could’ve sworn got cut after initiation? 

“STOP!” I shouted, skidding to a halt and raising my gun at them. Sydney didn’t move, and Dax raised his gun at me, only to have Bellamy also point a gun at him. “Dax, I swear to god if you take another step I will shoot you.” 

Someone screamed. It was high-pitched and painful and sounded like utter _agony_ and I froze for a second. Dax smirked, “Sounds like your friends need you. I guess you have a choice. Let us go and help them, or you can die trying to follow us.” 

I backed up into Bellamy and he backed up with me until we reached the end of the alley, but before we could turn and run I fired a gunshot into Dax’s dominant arm and heard him scream in pain. “That was for me, asshole!” I shouted before turning and running with Bellamy towards the direction of the scream. 

Murphy was on the ground, kneeling next to an unconscious Raven. Unconscious or dead. There was a bullet in her back, and Raven’s blood stained the pavement. He stared at her, unmoving. “I didn’t see it coming… I didn’t—” 

Bellamy dropped down next to her and checked her pulse. “She’s alive— for now. I’m going to carry her, I need you two to watch my back.” He gently placed one arm under Raven’s back and another beneath her legs, lifting her upwards. The moment she left the ground Raven let out a strangled sigh before losing consciousness again. I helped him shift her into a better position before checking on Murphy. 

“She’s going to be okay,” I reassured him, unsure if it was more for his or my benefit. 

“But what if she isn’t?” 

I put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s Raven, do you really think she’ll give up without a fight? You take the front, I’ll take the back.” 

He was too in shock to concentrate properly and I couldn’t blame him, so I shifted to the side slightly to flick my head back and forth and keep an eye on both potential attack points. 

“Hey!” Clarke jogged over, “Miller and Macallan are helping Luna, what— _oh god_.” She paled, staring at Raven’s lifeless body. “Is she…” 

“Alive,” I confirmed. “Run back to Candor and get a doctor.” 

Clarke nodded, breaking into a spring and disappearing in the direction of Candor. When we arrived, Abby Griffin was waiting, having arrived at some point between us leaving for the bridge and our return. I didn’t question it and watched as Bellamy laid Raven down on the sheet they’d put down for her as Abby got to work. 

I turned away, folding my arms and refusing to watch as Abby pulled out a scalpel and cut into Raven’s back to get to the bullet, Clarke her assistant. Bellamy was covered in her blood and the sight made me want to either throw up, pass out, or scream. Potentially all three at once. _Fuck._ Of all people, why Raven?

“You okay?” Bellamy forced me to look at him as his eyes searched mine, trying to get a read on me. 

“What do you think?” I countered quietly, my eyes briefly flickering over to Raven. “One of my best friends just got _shot._ ” 

“You shot Dax,” he announced matter-of-factly. 

“Not to kill,” I pointed out. “Tell me he didn’t deserve it.” 

Bellamy pinched the bridge of his nose, “I can’t. But it was reckless. You need to be careful, Lyss. _Please._ In the future, at least try?”

I looked over at Raven as Abby dropped the bullet on the white tile, staining it red and letting it announce its presence with a small chinking sound when it touched the marble. “Okay.”


	37. We’re The Revolution That’s Been Singing In The Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Now or Never by Sunset Curve (from julie and the phantoms)

I collapsed onto the bed opposite Diyoza. She was sitting upright, her leg propped up on a stack of pillows with Hope curled into her side fast asleep. “It’s been a while,” she nodded at me.

“Yeah,” I laughed weakly. “It has. How do you feel?” 

“Like I got shot,” she shrugged. “I hear you’re familiar with the feeling?” 

I pulled back the neckline of my top to show her the fresh scar on my shoulder, “A little bit.” 

“Did you discover anything useful at Luna’s meeting?” Diyoza asked.

I nodded, “Few things. I think we need to call a meeting or something.” 

“I can make that happen. Perks of being a Dauntless tattoo artist… you know basically everyone,” she laughed. 

“You also have the prestige of being a former spy.” 

She sighed, “Don’t remind me.” 

“Did _you_ discover anything useful? As a spy?”

Diyoza hesitated for a second before saying anything. “Alright, I guess I can trust _you_ , kid. My mission was primarily focused on Diana Sydney. How she spends her days, _where_ she spends them.”

“Not her office?” 

“She has a private lab on the top level. Insane security measures protecting it. I was trying to get up there when they figured out I wasn’t as into their cause as they thought,” she explained. 

I raised an eyebrow, “My instincts are telling me you didn’t want to get up there just to spy.” 

“I thought it would be handy if Diana Sydney didn’t survive much longer,” she replied off-handedly, but I noticed how much she regretted what happened to Shaw, and how much she wanted Sydney dead because of it. “I’ll work on calling that meeting.” 

~

The meeting took place in one of the rooms that had been converted into a living space for the Dauntless, and it was stacked with dozens of rows of bunk beds. Everyone was either crouched on the floor, hanging off a top bunk or squeezed into a bottom one, and the best lock we could make for the door was a tightly wrapped bedsheet. We had to figure out our plan of action, Luna would be forced to agree with Sydney’s demands. There aren’t that many Divergent in her faction, and there are a hell of a lot more regular people which means if she wants to sacrifice the few to save the many, then the Divergent aren’t safe, and neither are the Dauntless if it comes to ‘us’ or ‘them’. 

Diyoza perched on a chair between a few of the bunks, her injured leg outstretched in front of her and resting on a separate chair. Hope hung half-upside down from the bunk next to her with Octavia as they listened intently. “What were Diana’s terms?” 

“There were three,” I replied. “Report the names of all people who didn’t get shot with transmitter needles, return McCreary to the Erudite— which I’d rather not do, but that’s just my personal opinion— and hand over all Divergents. Again, something I’d rather not do.” 

She paused, “If Luna intends to give into their demands then we aren’t safe here. Where should we go?” 

“Home,” Bellamy decided, his response catching everyone’s attention. “I’m sick of all the hiding. We should take back what’s ours. We can break the security cameras in Dauntless headquarters so the Erudite can’t see us. We should go home.” 

A chorus of shouts decided that it was the best option, as murmurs of agreement fizzled through the crowd and I smiled at Bellamy. I was still unsure why he was stepping up into a leader-like position, but if that was what he wanted then I’d support him. 

“But before we do that,” Diyoza quietened everyone down. “We need to make a decision about McCreary. Either he stays here with the Erudite… or we execute him.” 

Cooper folded her arms. “He’s Dauntless. _We_ should be the ones deciding what happens to him. Not Candor.” 

I nodded. _We kill him._

Diyoza seemed to agree, but she wasn’t done talking yet. “According to Dauntless law, only leaders can perform an execution. Since all five of our former leaders are Dauntless traitors, I say we pick some new ones. We need more than one, and we need an odd number. Suggestions?” 

“You!” Someone shouted at her. 

She shrugged, “Okay, anyone else?” 

Clarke stood up. “Alyssa.” 

I raised an eyebrow at her and she shrugged in response. Me? Leadership material? I’m usually the one going _against_ leadership, why the hell would I be a suitable person to be in charge? A few people nodded and seemed to agree with him, and surprisingly no one argued against it. Diyoza nodded and continued. 

“Indra,” someone suggested, and Diyoza agreed. 

“These are all good. I’m going to throw someone else into the ring as well. How would we feel about Blake?” 

When it comes to leadership, Bellamy is everything I’m not. He’s sure of himself, a planner, and he calculates before he moves. It was a trait that made him less like the Dauntless and a little more like the Erudite, but I supposed he wasn’t Divergent for nothing. People already looked up to him, and it wasn’t unusual for someone as young as him to be made a leader— hell, McCreary was a leader and they were in the same initiate class. 

“We only need three leaders,” Diyoza pointed out. “We’ll have to vote.” 

Bellamy would make a good leader. 

I wouldn’t. 

“No, you don’t. I don’t want my nomination,” I shrugged. “I’d do more harm than good.” 

“Are you sure?” She persisted, watching me carefully. 

“Positive. The only good thing coming out of me being in charge would be McCreary with a bullet in his brain, the rest is a trainwreck waiting to happen.” 

Bellamy’s eyes found mine and his eyebrow raised as he tried to figure out what I was doing. For once, I was being sensible. Yeah, it’s pretty fucking unheard of, but I was doing it. The best thing for Dauntless, for my friends, and for Bellamy, was three good leaders. 

Not someone like me.

Almost as soon as the leaders had been decided, a bell rang to preface an announcement by Luna. “Attention all occupants of Candor headquarters. A few hours ago I met with a representative of Diana Sydney. I was unfortunately reminded that we Candor are in a weaker position, dependent on the Erudite for our survival, and told me that if I intend to keep my faction— my _people_ — free, I will have to meet a few demands. In order to comply with these demands, I ask that everyone make their way to the Gathering Place to report whether you have an implant or not. The Erudite have also ordered all Divergent to be turned over to Erudite. I don’t know for what purpose.” 

The chaos started as soon as the announcement ended, the bell ringing to announce that it was over as Dauntless ran left and right, throwing things into their bags. Someone cut the sheet from the door and someone else mentioned McCreary as someone ran past me and knocked me backwards into Miller. I apologised quickly and he shrugged, holding up his already packed bag. 

I didn’t have a bag, I didn’t have any belongings. I was pretty much already ready to go. I looked around to find Bellamy, but he was already making his way towards me and his hand curled gently around my elbow. “You know what happens now, right?” He asked, gesturing towards the door with his free hand. 

“We kill that son of a bitch?” I suggested, hoping to be right. 

He nodded, “We kill that son of a bitch.” 

~

In the interrogation room, McCreary was strapped to the chair looking worse for wear than when I last saw him. He glared at Bellamy, refusing to tear his eyes away even as the rest of the Dauntless gathered around him in a semicircle so that everyone could see him. Diyoza stood in front of him, leaning on a makeshift crutch as she smirked. “Would you like me to tell you your crimes? Or do you think you can list them yourself?” 

His eyes scanned the crowd until they fell on me, and he smirked a little as he laced his fingers and rested them on his stomach lightly, wincing as they brushed his wound. That alone gave me enough satisfaction to deal with what he had to say next. “I’d like _her_ to list them. She must be familiar with them considering she’s the one who stabbed me. Then again, we all know she has a screw loose anyway.” 

Bellamy bristled, his hands curling into fists by his sides. “Leave her out of this.” 

“Why? Because you’re doing her?” McCreary laughed. 

I knew he didn’t really care that much about me, but McCreary had been living with the fact that he would always be second best to Bellamy in the eyes of the other leaders, and he would always have been the second choice even though he got the job. This wasn’t about me, this was about him using me to get to Bellamy. 

“I want her to list them,” he repeated firmly. “Go on.” 

I shrugged, stepping forwards and raising my voice so everyone else could hear. “Whilst conspiring with Erudite you had a hand in the deaths of hundreds of Abnegation. You betrayed the Dauntless, you attempted to murder a kid… What am I forgetting? Oh yeah, you’re also Diana Sydney’s bitch, but I can’t tell if that’s bad taste or bad judgement,” I spat the last part out, not even bothering to fight the smirk that accompanied the insult. 

McCreary’s smile faded a little, and his fingers tapped nervously on each other. “Do I deserve to die?” 

“You deserve worse. I’d give you worse, but I’m not in charge.” That’s exactly _why_ I’m not in charge. “So yeah, I guess death will have to do.” 

“Fair enough,” he replied blankly. “But do you have the right to decide that? Like you decided the fate of that factionless man before—” 

Bellamy cut him off before the anger had a chance to fully rise to my face and set my cheeks to a flaming red as my lip curled in disgust. “You have committed every crime that warrants execution among the Dauntless,” he announced. “ _We_ have the right to execute you, under the laws of Dauntless.” 

I watched McCreary, and I set my eyes dead on his so he was watching my face as I mouthed the words, “See you in hell.” 

He quirked an eyebrow, before mouthing back, “It _is_ big enough for the both of us.” 

Bellamy emptied the gun of all of its bullets apart from one, and then laid it down next to two empty guns on the floor, shuffling them around until it was hard to figure out which one had the bullet in. He took one for himself, gave one to Indra and one to Diyoza, but before they had a chance to shoot McCreary stopped them. “Wait, I have a request.” 

“We don’t take requests from criminals,” Diyoza sighed, either exhausted or bored, or both. 

“I am a leader of Dauntless,” McCreary reminded us. “And all I want is for Blake to be the one who fires the bullet.” 

“ _Why?_ ” Bellamy frowned. 

“So you can live with the guilt,” McCreary smirked, “Of knowing that you usurped me and then shot me in the head.” 

Four fears. One of which was murder. McCreary wanted to see Bellamy break. His final wish is to break him. 

Bellamy sighed, picking up one of the bullets and putting it into the empty chamber as he refused to make eye contact with McCreary. “There won’t be any guilt.” 

McCreary started to say something else, another taunt maybe, or an insult, or just the final words of a jackass like him. He never got the chance, because Bellamy had already aimed the gun at him and he fell silent instantly, going stiff in his position on the chair as his hands clenched around the armrests. 

“Be brave,” Bellamy said quietly before pulling the trigger, and McCreary’s head flew backwards with the force of the bullet, blood pooling around the chair.

Dead.

Good fucking riddance.


	38. Is Anybody Broken? Is Anybody Fixing You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's time to go home. Dauntless return to their compound, and in true dauntless fashion... a paintball competition arises. 
> 
> there are no alliances in paintball :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Yesterday by Every Other Year

As soon as the rest of the Dauntless left the interrogation room to leave Candor, I felt Bellamy behind me. His arm rested lightly around me and I leant into it, knowing that although he claimed to not feel guilty, it couldn’t have been easy. He’s a good person, and good people feel guilty for doing bad things. 

It wasn’t long before we ran into Luna on our way out. 

“What have you done?” She asked incredulously, “I just found out that Paxton McCreary is missing from his holding cell!”

Diyoza shrugged. “Our jurisdiction, really. We gave him a Dauntless trial and a Dauntless execution. And now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re leaving.” 

_“Leaving?”_ Luna blinked, probably coming to terms with the fact that us leaving means she can’t complete two of Cage’s three demands. “I can’t let you do that.” 

Bellamy replied, “You don’t _let_ us do anything. If you don’t step aside, we will be forced to walk over you instead of past you.” 

“Didn’t you come here to find allies?” Luna scowled, “If you do this, we will side with Erudite, and you will never find an ally in us again, you—” 

“We don’t need you as an ally. We’re Dauntless,” Diyoza announced, and a cheer rang up from the crowd as they moved forwards and out into the next hallway to get down the stairs. We passed a group of Erudite and Bellamy paused to talk to one of them, a man that had been pointed out to me at some point as the one who helped evacuate during the traitors attack. Gabriel. 

“Go to Amity,” Bellamy advised him. “They’ve promised safety to anyone who wants it. You won’t be safe here anymore, and we’re going back to Dauntless.” 

“Thank you,” Gabriel nodded. “Good luck.” 

As everyone streamed out past us I turned to leave, spotting Octavia with Hope and Diyoza, and Clarke, Murphy and Miller moving to help transport Raven, someone tapped me on the shoulder. Luna. That was more surprising than anyone else. Adria hovered by her side, and I wondered what she wanted. I raised an eyebrow, “Can I help you with something?” 

“Yes,” she sighed. “This goes against my better judgement… but you’re the reason they didn’t kill her last time, and I can’t protect her anymore. They don’t know about her, and I’d like to keep it that way… keep her safe?” 

It took a moment for me to realise what she was asking. “ _You_ want _me_ to take Adria?” 

Luna nodded, “For better or for worse, I find myself trusting you. Even though you are reckless, you’re the reason she is still alive. I would prefer it if you could help her stay that way.” 

I blinked, trying to find the words. “I— We— _Dauntless_ — I’ll do it. I’ll take her.” I said in the end, “She’ll be okay.” 

“Thank you.” 

Bellamy appeared, his hand lightly brushing my back to let me know he was there. I turned around after Luna left, Adria at my heels. “So I seem to have adopted a kid,” I announced abruptly. 

He smirked, “Oh, have you?” 

“Adria. Luna gave her to me. Fuck, she’s not an object, she wasn’t really _given_ to me. Fuck, I shouldn’t say ‘fuck’ in front of her, should I? How old is she?” I rambled, “Oh god, I’m going to get her killed.” 

I am responsible for a human being. 

This is a terrible idea. 

What the fuck was Luna thinking?

~

I almost missed the train back to Dauntless, caught up with Lyra as she turned up out of the blue with a message for Bellamy and I. Apparently, somehow they’d caught wind of the fact that we were leaving Candor— I’m not sure what gave it away, maybe it was the cheers and shouting as we ran through the streets?— and guessed that we’d be seeking them for allies. A meeting was arranged for tonight, if we got the 8:05pm train, and with a sigh we agreed.

Back at Dauntless, I left Octavia, Hope and Adria in the Dauntless dining hall with Miller supervising while I went with the rest of the group to get rid of the cameras. I leant against the railing over the chasm, almost reminiscing of the time I almost died here. Weird to think that was only a few weeks ago now, after all that has happened since. A paintball gun was slung over my arm, swinging slightly when I moved and hitting the railing. Across from me, Jason was handing out more paintball guns while someone else handed out paintballs. That was the solution for the cameras. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around to pull Murphy into a bone-crushing hug when I realised it was him. 

“How’s Raven?” 

He shrugged. “Stable. Moving her wasn’t ideal, but it’s not like Candor is safe anymore. She’s going to survive, but the nurse thinks she might have nerve damage so they’re not sure if she’s going to be able to walk or not. How can she be Dauntless if she can’t walk?” 

“She’s _Raven._ Whatever happens she will find a way. Whether she gets a wheelchair and gets someone to push her up the paths in the Pit, or she has crutches, she’ll be okay. She’s Dauntless through and through, and I’ll be damned if anyone tries to say otherwise,” I reassured him. “She’ll use that brilliant brain of hers to find a way to make it work.” 

“You’re right,” Murphy replied quietly. “But she won’t want help. She’ll want to do it all herself.” 

“She’ll cave eventually. There’s only so long anyone can be _that_ self-sufficient,” I reminded him. 

Murphy sighed, “I think I’m going to shoot things. You coming?” 

I nodded, following him to Jason as he got himself a gun. “The Pit and the underground is mostly covered,” Jason explained. “But you should tackle the Pire.” 

“The Pire?” I raised an eyebrow, but he only pointed to the glass building above. “Oh, I wondered what that was called.” 

We made our way up the path, and it felt a little odd that the last time I was making this trip was to shut down the simulation, and I was all but convinced I’d die trying. Funny how things turn out, considering I’m very much not dead. (Yet.) Bellamy would kill me if he knew I thought like that. Murphy lifted his gun and aimed it at one of the cameras, but the green paint splattered the window instead and completely missed the camera lens. I laughed, wincing. “Wow.” 

He rolled his eyes, “Like you could do it perfectly the first time around.” 

“Want a bet?” I quirked an eyebrow, “If I make the shot, next time we have the chocolate cake I get your slice as well.” 

Murphy scowled, “I’m not giving up my cake, and you could probably make that shot in your sleep now that I think about it.”

“How about this,” I grinned as I thought of the plan, turning away from the camera and propping the gun on my shoulder facing it. “I make _this_ shot, and I get your cake. If I lose, you get mine. Deal?” 

He laughed, “That’s impossible.” 

“Get me a mirror, and we’ll see.” 

“Alright then,” he disappeared down the stairs and returned a few moments later, panting and out of breath before he stood in front of me and held it out. I gave a few instructions on how he needed to position it before looking through the scope in the mirror, and praying this would work. Once I was completely aligned, I breathed in, waited for a second, before letting out a breath and squeezing the trigger. 

Blue paint exploded against the camera as the paintball hit it straight on, and Murphy cursed under his breath, staring at me. “Are you even human?” 

I shrugged, turning the gun back around. “Jury’s still out.” 

Before I knew what was happening, a paintball exploded on impact with my leg and another hit the back of Murphy’s arm. We turned around to see Miller grinning like crazy, before he ducked under the glass and sprinted off back down the path. My disbelief lasted all of 0.2 seconds before I shot off after him, racing down the path. 

People didn’t bother to move out of the way as Miller weaved through them with ease, forcing me to push past them forcefully in order to get him. He put in too much distance between us and I stopped breathlessly before resting my gun against a railing and following him with my scope, and the paintball only narrowly missed him as it hit the wall behind him, although I did succeed in getting paint on his jacket. His eyebrows raised a little in surprise but he didn’t stop moving, only pausing briefly to shoot a paintball at Macallan, who got over his shock and fired one into the crowd. 

It wasn’t long before everyone was splitting into teams and turning against each other and forming alliances and my clothes were more paint than black. Luckily I ditched my jacket before we started, and even though the paint stung a little when it hit my bare arm, and it would probably bruise later, it was better than turning my favourite jacket into something that looked like a rainbow threw up on it. Even Wells joined in, and he’d never held a paintball gun before, let alone played it. He was surprisingly good, and I laughed when he got Clarke in the arm and paint splattered onto her eyebrow, staining it purple. 

Bellamy caved and joined in after a while, leaving whatever leader-y duties he was supposed to be doing to shoot some of the others and join one of the teams. Apart from when it became everyone for themselves and my competitive drive took over, giving me the brilliant idea to distract him with kisses before backing away far enough to shoot him. He wasn’t _entirely_ happy, but I was laughing so much he couldn’t stay mad, because he’s just as competitive. 

Octavia got in a few good shots on Murphy, almost as if she was targeting him, and her and Hope were like tiny snipers who somehow managed to take out half of one of the opposing teams between them, coming out with only a few specs of paint on the side of the black hoodies they were wearing. Miller got increasingly annoyed when I finally managed to catch him, dropping down from where I’d been hanging on the side of a wall to shoot him in the side before he had time to run. 

There are no alliances in paintball.

~

Murphy was among the group to raid the kitchens and prepare dinner, and a group of us pushed all the tables together so that we could all fit. I finished my cake and held out a hand for Murphy to slide over his and he reluctantly did so, forced to then explain to the others the terms of our bet. Miller waved at Bellamy to come over, and I smirked as his arm lifted up to reveal the patch of paint where I’d hit him. He pulled a face at me and I made one back, bursting out into laughter as Bellamy rested a hand on my good shoulder. My eyes brushed over his knuckles, split and covered in what looked like fresh blood.

“Can’t stay, sorry,” he replied to Miller, before leaning in to whisper to me. “It’s time.” 

I stood up, waving goodbye to the others and reluctantly leaving my half-finished cake. Murphy reached for it but Hope got there first, waving it in his face teasingly as she dug in and letting Octavia share a little. “See you guys later,” I shouted behind me as we walked out, not that anyone was really paying attention. 

We walked the path to the Pire and then some, passing the fear landscape room and I clocked the empty syringe on the floor and realised someone had been in there. I put two and two together and before we got outside I glanced at Bellamy. “You’ve been in your fear landscape.” Not a question. If it were phrased as a question, he would be able to evade it. 

He attempted to stay silent, but I shot him a look and he conceded. “I did. It’s changed a little, but the number is still the same.” 

We broke into a run as the train arrived, aiming for the fifth car back. I swung myself in and landed roughly, but ultimately unscathed as Bellamy got in after me. The cold bit through the open door and I was thankful for the fact I’d remembered to grab my jacket again before dinner. That, and the fact that it had knives in it and Pike was untrustworthy. 

“How has it changed?” I asked after a few seconds, sitting down against the wall to catch my breath. Bellamy sat next to me, sighing. 

“You’re in it,” he replied, refusing to make eye contact and instead frowning towards where his hands rested in his lap. “Instead of having to shoot that woman, like I used to, I have to watch you die. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” 

I couldn’t reassure him by saying something like _I’m not going to die_ , because I couldn’t promise that, and I probably never will be able to. Instead, I thought of my own fear landscape, forced to kill or watch my friends die over and over until that no longer became a fear. But that will always be my fear. There isn’t a world I could live in where I wouldn’t be afraid of losing people. Without saying anything, I reached over and squeezed his hand, laying my head on his shoulder. He squeezed back, changing the subject as he tilted our hands a little to check his watch. 

“They’ll be here any minute now.” 

As if on cue, Pike, Astrid and Nikki and her husband Hatch appeared alongside the train, running before getting in almost as easily as the Dauntless. Pike didn’t waste any time before cutting to the chase. “So you called a meeting?” 

I frowned, “ _You_ called the meeting.” 

He ignored me, turning to Bellamy. “Evening.” 

What, am I invisible?

“You know why we’re here. It’s to discuss an alliance,” Bellamy announced. 

Pike finally acknowledged me for the first time since his arrival, raising an eyebrow. “Took you long enough to come to your senses.” He turned back to Bellamy. “And you have the authority to discuss an alliance now?” 

“He’s a Dauntless leader now,” I cut in. “So yeah, he does.” 

“How interesting,” Pike mused. “What about you, Jones? Are you a Dauntless leader?”

Astrid scoffed, “I wouldn’t have pegged you for the leadership role.” 

I raised an eyebrow, “You’ve never pegged me at all.” 

Bellamy elbowed me lightly to get me to stay on task and I muttered an apology to him out of the side of my mouth as Nikki tried to hide her amusement and Astrid tried to wipe the unimpressed look off her face. Nikki said something under her breath about having missed my sense of humour but it was clear that neither Pike nor Astrid shared the same sentiment. Bellamy steered the conversation back to the current situation. “Alyssa isn’t a leader, but she’s here to help me decide whether or not to trust you, considering she knows you a lot better than I do.”

I shrugged, “Leader adjacent.” 

“An alliance seems like a good idea,” Pike announced. “But we will only agree if you accept these terms. We need a guaranteed and equal place in whatever government forms after Erudite is destroyed, and full control over Erudite data after the attack.” 

I frowned, something didn’t seem entirely right about that. “What do you want with the data?” 

“We will destroy it, to ensure that there isn’t another incident like the attack simulation. And the only way to deprive the Erudite of power is to deprive them of knowledge,” he replied calmly. 

Without Erudite tech, our society would fail and that’s a fact. We wouldn’t be able to survive without some of that knowledge. To take away all of their knowledge would kill us all eventually. 

Bellamy paused for a second before asking, “And what would we receive in return, if we agreed to those terms?” 

“Our much-needed manpower in order to take Erudite headquarters, and an equal place in government, with us,” Pike assured us.

“I’m sure that Diyoza would also request the right to rid the world of Diana Sydney,” Bellamy added quietly. 

Pike nodded, “That can be arranged. It doesn’t really matter who kills her as long as she ends up dead.” 

“Then we’re agreed,” Bellamy shook hands with him. 

“We should convene in about a week’s time, in neutral territory,” Pike decided. “Most of the Abnegation have graciously agreed to let us stay in their sector of the city to plan as they clean up the aftermath of the attack. The only people against that are those who are loyal to Jaha, who is still apprehensive and has decided to steer clear of us.”

Astrid walked over to the side of the car and leant out, before calling over her shoulder, “It’s time.” As the train dipped down to street level she jumped out, disappearing and after a few seconds, the others followed. I stayed on the train with Bellamy, not saying anything.

He broke the silence. “We have to do this. If we want to take down Erudite, then we have no other choice.” 

“We can’t trust Pike.” 

“I thought you knew him?” 

I bristled, “I do. Which is exactly why I know we can’t trust him. Whatever happens, he does what he thinks is best for his people. If he has to betray you to survive, he will. If he has to kill you for any part of his plan to work, he will. If he is hiding something, you better be sleeping with one eye open because before you know it, he’s double-crossed you and in charge of all the guns.” 

Bellamy sighed, “If you hated this alliance so much then why did you agree to it.” 

“Because it’s necessary. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”


	39. So Take A Leap of Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> despite never having seen Die Hard, alyssa replicates one of the stunts in a split-second decision to save a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Hold on to Me by James Alphonse

It was pitch black when I felt hands shaking me awake. I winced as the person grabbed my shoulder and swatted them away as I pushed myself upright on the bed I had claimed. “I’m up, I’m up! What the fuck?” 

Murphy stood over me as he practically pulled me to my feet, dragging me across the Pit with enough force to pull my good arm out of its socket if I didn’t keep up with him. It was lucky I’d fallen asleep with my boots still on. He ran up the path to the Pire, pulling me after him and I only just managed to catch my breath when he paused to slam his hand down on the elevator button to the roof. 

“What the fuck?” I asked again, “Why are we going to the roof?” 

“They’re under a sim,” he panted. “Not everyone, just three. Miller… Hope… I don’t know the other guy but he’s just a kid. Dauntless-born. Miller said something about the Divergent but it didn’t sound like him.” 

The doors opened and I saw what he meant the moment my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Three figures stood on the edge of the roof, facing us. The wind whipped their clothes and mine, and I wished I’d had time to grab a jacket. Although being cold seemed like the last of my worries. “Shit,” I watched them. 

“Miller, come on,” Murphy pleaded. 

“They can’t hear or see you,” I replied stiffly, watching them closely. “Talking won’t do shit.” 

“We gotta stop them. Maybe we could tackle them?” He suggested, walking towards them. 

I shook my head, “We could risk pushing them off ourselves. Go stand by the boy just in case.”

That’s when Hope opened her mouth. “I have a message for the Divergent.” Her voice is blank, without any emotion as she relayed the words from Diana Sydney. “This is not a negotiation, it is a warning. Every two days until one of you delivers yourself to Erudite headquarters, this will happen again.”

As if in slow motion, the three of them stepped off the roof. 

Murphy dived at the boy, dragging him back from the edge and in the split second I caught hold of Hope, yanking her backwards onto the security of the roof, Miller had already stepped forwards and I had less than two seconds to reach for the fire hose next to the ledge and throw myself after him. As I fell through the air, I wrapped the hose around my arm as tight as possible and angled myself downwards towards Miller. My hand somehow managed to close around his shirt and I pulled him towards me with one arm as my bad arm took the strain of the hose and I cried out, pain running sparks through my body. We slammed into the side of the building a third of the way down and Miller blinked, his eyes no longer glassy and he panicked for a moment trying to figure out where he was. 

I tightened my hold, “Don’t fucking move or I will drop you.” 

He wrapped an arm around the rope and took some of the strain from me, but I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment to try and drown out the pain. I was pretty sure I’d forcefully torn my shoulder from its socket and was more than a little surprise that I still had an arm as we clung to the rope, dangling down the side of the building. Murphy leant over the edge, and I could only see the outline of him against the dark sky. “LYSS!”

“We’re—” ‘Okay’ would be a little bit of a stretch, so I settled for the ever-classic… “Not dead. We’re not dead.” _Fuck._ My shoulder felt like it had been shot again, and that wasn’t just in my actual bullet-wound, which was throbbing like crazy. “A little help?” 

“On it!” He called back. “Hang on! No pun intended!”

“I’M DANGLING OFF A FUCKING BUILDING PLEASE SAVE THE PUNS FOR LATER!” I yelled back, scowling at Miller when he laughed a little. “I’ll drop you, I swear I will.”

“Thank you,” Miller squeezed me tightly. “I’m not entirely sure what happened, but the fact that I’m still alive… thanks.” 

I sighed, “Well I wasn’t gonna let you die. But I gotta admit, this could’ve gone horribly wrong for the both of us. And I’m in a lot of pain right now so Murphy better hurry the fuck up.”

“Here,” Miller adjusted his grip on the rope so that there was even less strain on my arm, which was probably more than a little painful for him. I tightened my grip on him even more, my other hand curling into a fist in his shirt as I closed my eyes and we hung there, dangling next to the bricks. 

Then the worst thing happened. Something, somewhere, _snapped_. I heard a cry out from above as we dropped a few feet, but someone caught the end of the fire hose before we could fall any further and I guessed they had managed to brace themself against the ledge to stop us from slipping down any further. 

“Don’t worry, Lyss, I won’t let you fall,” Murphy grunted.

“ _Pull_ , Murphy,” Bellamy growled, and we slowly began to inch our way up the side of the building.

Arms hooked around me and someone else grabbed Miller and hauled us onto the roof, our arms intertwined around the fire hose, which had apparently come loose from the reel. Murphy untangled us and I let Bellamy pull me into him as I relaxed, safe. 

_Safe._ We weren’t dead yet. But what about next time? _This will happen again. This will happen again. This will happen again._ Hope’s monotone voice was on repeat in my mind and I made my choice there and then. This will happen again? Over my fucking dead body.

~

The next day, I kept to myself. Nobody died. Nobody died _this time._ Someone discovered a camera we’d missed in the dormitory where the three affected were sleeping, and had sorted that out, which had to have been how Sydney had known who to control. _Nobody died this time._ We wouldn’t have the same luck tomorrow. Someone would die. We couldn’t save everyone. 

As a Divergent, I could turn myself in. I could stop it. My friends wouldn’t be in danger— at least not any immediate danger. That also meant that I was getting a mixture of praise and dirty looks. Praise at getting there in time, praise that I didn’t deserve because it was _Murphy_ who found me, who discovered what was happening. Dirty looks because if I didn’t walk into Erudite tonight then people might actually die this time, and the rest of the Dauntless were coming to terms with the fact that they were ticking time bombs at Erudite’s disposal. 

They knew about the ultimatum, and they were waiting for me to go. 

To turn myself in. 

Of course, Bellamy wasn’t having any of _that._ He’d already said not to make any rash decisions, but my mind was already made up and had been for several hours now. There were a few others that decided we should attack back instead, but I was pretty sure that would just involve more lives being lost considering Erudite could activate the sim at any moment and half of the “army” could kill themselves.

My arm was in a sling since the incident, and my jacket slung half-over my shoulders and tied together at the front with a hairband that made it look like I was walking around with a cape. It’s not like I’d risk not wearing it, considering last time I took that jacket off to leave the dorm I almost got thrown into the chasm. Not that anyone would risk throwing their most valuable bargaining tool into the chasm when they could just let me willingly walk into Erudite. 

My thoughts were at war with each other. One part of me wanted to go straight to Erudite as soon as possible, to minimise the chances of Sydney turning the sim on again and potentially killing any of my friends. The other part wanted to tell Bellamy, even though I had a sneaking suspicion he already knew that I wanted to go, and let him talk me out of it. Convince me that there was another way to fight this. 

And then there was the last part that had already decided to go, but it couldn’t come to a decision on whether to say goodbye or not. 

Which is how I found myself walking into his room. He wasn’t even in there, so I sat down on the bed and remembered the first time I was in here. After the chasm incident. The lighter I’d used to cauterise the stab wound lay on a table on the side and I got up and walked over to it, holding it in my hand as I flicked the lid open and watched the tiny flame appear. 

“You’ve not been stabbed again, have you?” Bellamy announced his presence with a question, aware that I hadn’t heard the door open. 

I smiled weakly, “Nope, but the night is young.” 

His expression darkened. “I know what you’re thinking and I’m telling you no. Miller almost died which is why you think you _have_ _to_ but you don’t. We’ve upped security, we’ve made sure there aren’t any remaining cameras… You have to trust that this will work.” 

“But you just said it. _Miller almost died._ We’re not going to be so lucky next time. I can’t just stand by… _immune…_ when tomorrow it could be Clarke, it could be Murphy, it could be Raven. It was a close call this time! If one of them dies and I don’t go then it’ll be my fault!” 

“They don’t want you to go! _I_ don’t want you to go!” 

“They’d get over it, and they’d be alive,” I replied firmly. “I need them alive.”

“I need you alive!” Bellamy’s voice cracked, and his eyes searched the room, looking anywhere but at me. “And I don’t care if that makes me selfish, because I _can’t_ lose you.” 

I sighed. “You’d recover. It might take a while, but you’d survive.” 

He shook his head, closing the distance between us and pressing his lips to mine. “That’s a lie.” Bellamy pulled away only to whisper that before he was kissing me again. I shouldn’t be doing this. He would become more attached to me. I am going to leave. It’s better for both of us if I go now. _Now._ But I couldn’t bring myself to. My eyes flicked to the door behind him before catching his gaze with a look that made my heart crumble.

I wrapped my good arm around his shoulders and when he stumbled backwards onto the bed, taking me with him, I ignored the spark of pain that shot up my bad one. I didn’t want to leave him, but if I didn’t go, who would? Would he? If it was to protect Octavia, to protect me, he’d do it in a heartbeat in the same way I have chosen to. 

“Promise me,” Bellamy whispered, pausing to rest his forehead against mine. “Promise me you won’t go. You can’t die, you’re too important for that.” 

“I’m not important,” I replied, letting my eyes fall shut and my other senses take over, focusing on the feel of his shirt beneath my fingers, his breaths on my face, the sound of his heartbeat against me. I wanted to stay. But I wanted to keep my family alive more, which is why I lied. “Okay.”

“Promise?”

With a heavy heart, I nodded. “I promise.”


	40. Don't Try To Follow Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lyss follows through with her decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from The Enemy by Andrew Belle

I wanted so badly to stay there. Stay at Dauntless, pretend we were invincible, pretend that everything would be fine if we just _planned_ and _waited._

I’ve never been good at either of those things.

As soon as I was able to, I crept out of Bellamy’s room and started wandering the dark halls of Dauntless. I stopped by the infirmary, where Raven was asleep and Murphy was next to her. He had his feet up against an empty chair with his head resting on the edge of her mattress. Raven’s face was creased slightly in pain, even in sleep. The mark where she’d been shot with the transmitter was prominent above her collarbone. 

One of the beds had a notepad next to it, presumably to write down prescriptions, and I tore off a sheet before uncapping a pen and putting the lid between my teeth as I scribbled the note. 

_Abnegation has something Erudite wanted. That’s why the sim attack happened. Jaha knows more. Whatever it is, I think Sydney has that information now. Get the details from Jaha. - Lyss._

I took a deep breath and tossed the pen aside, folding the piece of paper smaller and smaller and tucking it into Raven’s hand as I passed. Her finger twitched, but she was in too deep a sleep to notice, and her hand curled around the piece of paper tighter. I shrugged off my jacket and hung it on the edge of her bed, knives and all. 

Okay, almost all the knives. I still had one in my boot, one wedged under my bra strap, and one strapped to my thigh. But that was just in case I got attacked on the way there. 

If I was going to Erudite, I was going on _my_ terms. 

Yeah, they may have forced my hand a little, but still.

It was colder than I expected, nearly into Winter, and I stuck my hands in my pockets and let my breaths become clouds in the air. Ditching the jacket had been a good idea, but I probably should have grabbed something else before I left… that is, if the goosebumps on my arms were anything to go by. 

Gravel scattered behind me and I whirled around, grabbing the knife from my boot as I did so to pin whoever had been tailing me against the wall. 

“Murphy? What the fuck?” I removed the blade from where it had been poised against his neck and slotted it back into place in my boot. 

“Nightly stroll?” He raised an eyebrow, dusting himself off from where he’d hit the brick. 

I sighed, already starting to walk away. “What do you want?” 

“I know what you’re doing, Lyss,” Murphy fell into step next to me. “You’re going to Erudite.” 

“Wow, wonder what gave _that_ away.” I rolled my eyes, “If you’re here to talk me out of it—”

“I’m not.”

Well, that’s a nice change. “Then what the hell are you doing here?” 

“I’m walking you.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

I scoffed, “That’s not an answer.”

“Fuck off.” 

Then I realised what he was doing. He was trying to distract me. I laughed, spreading my arms out and letting the cold air envelope me. I hummed one of the only songs I knew under my breath and spun around, walking backwards in front of Murphy. The corner of his lips quirked up, amused. I shrugged, replying to his unanswered question. “What? I’m gonna walk into that building, I’m going to get their attention, and Sydney is going to do whatever the fuck she wants with me.”

“Come on.” 

“Better me than Octavia, or Bellamy, or Adria. Better this than Raven on that roof, or Clarke, or anyone else we care about,” I laid it out plain and simple. “It’s the survivors' move, but not for me, for _them.”_

We stopped in front of the Erudite compound and I stopped to stare at it for a moment before finally turning back around to say goodbye to Murphy. Or at least, that’s what I thought was going to happen. One of the last things I expected was to turn around and have the barrel of a gun pointed at my forehead, with Murphy’s finger behind the trigger. His usual demeanour had been replaced by a much colder one, even though his hand shook a little as he held the gun. 

“You’re right. I’m just doing what I can to survive,” he whispered as he flicked off the safety. “Now walk.” 

“Alright,” I turned around and walked towards Erudite, the familiar cold barrel of the gun resting against the back of my head. “But don’t expect me to put my hands up like I think you’re going to shoot me, because you and I both know they want me alive.” 

It was a short walk inside the building, but for a place that has half the Dauntless under its hold, there was a surprisingly sparse amount of security. I suppose they weren’t exactly expecting people to walk straight through the front door. No one noticed as I pushed it open, so I had to get their attention somehow. A grin slid onto my face, and I spread out my arms as I screamed, “WE’RE BACK BITCHES!” Finally, the guards caught on and surrounded us. 

“You wanted a Divergent,” Murphy announced. “I brought one.” 

Dax emerged from the elevator, and his face broke into a smile when he saw us. “Well isn’t this nice. Initiate class reunion. Should’ve brought Reyes, Griffin, and that traitor Macallan, we could’ve had a party!” Murphy stiffened behind me, and I heard him clear his throat.

“I distinctly remember you getting cut from Dauntless, Dax,” I pointed out. “Was it because of your lack of coordination or dull personality?” 

He scoffed, unfazed. “Didn’t I knock you out when we first sparred?” 

“Didn’t I knee you in the balls? Oh right, that can’t have happened because _you don’t have any.”_ I replied in the same tone of voice that he used, a fake smile plastered onto my face, and heard Murphy try to swallow his laughter. 

“You said you’d brought one, are you not Divergent as well?” One of the guards addressed Murphy, and he shook his head. 

“I’m just the courier. I decided I wanted to make it out of this alive, and the only way that would happen is if I was on the right side of this war. I’m pure Dauntless, but I’ve got roots here in Erudite.” 

“He’s also a backstabbing spineless son of a bitch, if you want to put that on his resume too,” I sniped. “I’m assuming that’s what this is, right? You want a job?” 

Murphy sighed in exasperation, and I could practically feel him rolling his eyes. “Yes, Alyssa. At least someone here has half a brain cell. I would like a job.” He moved the gun from behind my head and held it out to Dax. 

I held my breath. 

_Don’t shoot him. Please don’t shoot him. Please don’t shoot him._

Dax stared at the offered gun for a second, before taking it from Murphy’s outstretched hand. 

_Don’t shoot him. Please don’t shoot him._

Sure, Murphy might have double-crossed me at little, but I was half-expecting that to happen with opposite consequences anyway, resulting in him dragging my ass back to Dauntless. Either way, he was still family. 

Dax pointed the gun at me and I exhaled in relief. _Thank god._ “You’re coming with me.” He nodded to one of the other guards. “Shumway, take Murphy to see the boss lady.” 

Murphy nodded, following the man down the corridor. He turned back at the last minute to give me a mock salute and a wink, before disappearing from sight. “Pat her down for weapons!” His voice echoed down the hall. 

I held my hands out, expected to be cuffed. “Go on then, or are you just going to trust me?” 

He raised the gun towards my forehead and I waited expectantly. Dax gestured with the weapon. “Take them out.” 

I rolled my eyes, “Thought you wanted to party?” I reached under my top and extracted one of the knives, before taking the one out from where it was strapped to my thigh and pulling one out my boot. I tossed them between my hands, feigning innocence. “Oh, you _want_ them. Of course.” I tossed one up into the air and when it came down it wedged in the receptionist’s desk, making him jump almost three feet sideways in fear. 

The next one came down a few inches from Dax himself, and the tendons in his hands became more prominent as he gripped the gun tighter. 

I tossed the last one and let it stick in the wall, before shrugging and gesturing to Dax to lead the way. “What? Gotta leave my mark somehow.” 

Instead of taking me to Sydney, I was led down a few hallways flanked by traitor Dauntless until we reached a corridor with metal holding cell doors on each side. I was pushed into one of them, the door locked securely behind me. In each of the upper corners, there was a tiny camera. I made sure to flip each one the bird so that the person monitoring would know I knew they were there.

No point in pacing, I sat down on the floor with my back to the wall and let out a breath.

I wasn’t sure which scared me more; the fact that I was going to die here… 

Or the fact that I was okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah last chapter we reached the end of the chapters i'd prewritten so after this chapters are coming out as and when I write them


	41. Tryna Fight For What’s Right And Got Sidetracked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANGST. ANGST AT THE END. SPOILER ALERT. ANGST AT THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from home by vince staples

There was no way of telling how long I was in that room for. I passed the time by lying on my back and throwing up and catching a small pebble that had apparently been stuck in my shoe for god knows how long. When Diana Sydney finally allowed the door to open to meet with me, I leant against the wall expectantly. 

“I had a feeling it would be you,” she noted. “Although the fact that you were turned in by a friend… that was surprising.”

On one side of her stood Dax, and on the other stood a girl in blue with blonde hair that fell to just above her collarbone. Her gaze was on me and only me, like she was already trying to analyse me. 

“Where’s that trademark Alyssa Jones fighting spirit I came to hate during initiation?” Dax crowed, taking in my blank expression. 

“I don’t know, Dax. Maybe I left it with the knife I used to slit Ontari’s throat when you sent Dauntless soldiers to storm the Candor compound,” I replied flatly. 

The not-Sydney woman’s lips pursed at that, and one of her eyebrows raised slightly even though she didn’t say anything. 

Dax didn’t say anything else, a hand slowly and unconsciously raising to rub his own throat before he stepped aside and I was being led through the countless Erudite corridors until they opened out into a room decorated entirely in white, with only a large metal table, a machine, and a camera. 

Heart monitor. 

Camera. 

_I will die here._

Not just at Erudite, but _here,_ in this room.

“Believe it or not, Alyssa, I was looking forward to working with you, out of all the other potential Divergent,” Sydney revealed, leaning against the table. “It’s quite rare to find someone with an aptitude for more than two factions.”

I frowned, “Why do you care?” 

“All in good time,” she hummed. “You are here so we can develop a simulation that works even on the Divergent mind. For that to work, we have to study the strongest of the Divergent. Of course, that means that with an aptitude for Abnegation, Dauntless _and_ Erudite, you are one of the strongest.”

“Why do you make that sound like it’s a compliment and a death sentence?” I laughed, running a hand through my hair. “Oh, probably because it is.” 

“Not a death sentence. We need you for this. Until we’ve found conclusive results, _then_ you will be executed.” Sydney ran a finger along the table before inspecting it, like she’d picked up some dust from the action despite the table itself being cleaner than anything I was wearing. “Here, on this very table. Thought I should show you.” 

I raised an eyebrow, “Fun.”

~

I stared at the MRI machine. “Sure, I _could_ do it willingly. But where’s the fun in that?” 

They couldn’t kill me _yet._ They needed me. 

“We have ways of making you cooperate,” Sydney pointed out. “You know that.” 

“Yeah, but it’s not likely they’ll work. If you’re going to kill me, can I at least see the scans?” I shrugged, keeping Dax permanently in my field of vision as I wandered around the room. 

I could practically hear the intrigue in Diana Sydney’s voice as she answered my question with another question, “Why would you be interested in those?” 

“You want the long explanation or the short one?” I didn’t wait for an answer. “Short one: Curiosity killed the cat. I’m gonna die anyway, right? Call it morbid curiosity. Now, do you agree to my terms or not?”

She mulled it over. “If you lie down, you can see them.” 

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” 

The MRI machine was a weird experience, but after that I couldn’t help but miss the annoying thumping sound it produced as I sat alone in the cell. After a while, the door swung open but I was surprised to see the woman who had been with Sydney rather than Dax to escort me. I don’t do small talk, I’ve never been successful at it. Usually, if someone tries to fill awkward silence with talking I end up insulting them one way or another. But that didn’t stop me from asking, “Didn’t catch your name?” as she led me down the corridor to look at the scans. 

“Josephine Lightbourne,” she replied curtly, glancing up at each individual camera as we passed. 

“Why are you keeping tabs on the cameras?” I asked. She hesitated for a second, probably not having expected her behaviour to have been noticed. “Are you scared of being alone with me?” 

She scoffed, and before I knew it we were around the corner, and she was pinning me against the wall. “Don’t flatter yourself. In fact, quite the opposite.” 

“What would Sydney say about this?” I mused, clicking my tongue. 

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt either of us,” Josephine replied. “Camera blind spot.” 

I looked her up and down. “You know you’re not my type, right?” 

“Once again,” she raised an eyebrow. “Don’t flatter yourself. Besides, your 'friend' is cuter anyway.” 

“Dax?” I choked on my laughter. 

She pulled a disgusting face, “Him? God no, I meant the other one. Murphy.” 

“Fair,” I shrugged. “Is there a reason we’re…” I paused to gesture to the intimate position.

“Gabriel. I know he warned about the attack on Candor. Is he alive?” 

Was this a test? Was I supposed to name the Erudite traitor? Was this somehow some sort of simulation like the aptitude test?

“I don’t know a Gabriel,” I lied.

Josephine tightened her grip on my shoulder and pushed me harder against the wall, but for a moment her façade dropped. “Gabriel Santiago. Is. He. Alive?” _She cared about him._

“He’s safe.” 

The moment the words were out of my mouth, she hauled me back into the line of sight of the cameras, a harsh grip on my wrist. When we reached the room, she entered a code on the keypad and the door swung open. I just had time to ask covertly before she shoved me into the room and locked the door after us. “Murphy, is he still alive?” 

I received a subtle nod and a surprisingly genuine mouthing of _“Thank you”_ before she moved to stand by Sydney. As if he had no sense of personal space, I could feel Dax breathing down my neck. He was close, _too close._ It was understandable given the circumstances, I could probably do a significant amount of damage in a room like this. But it’s not like I’d be able to get out, and even then they’d sacrifice more of my family to get other Divergents to experiment on. 

There was too much at stake for me to try anything. 

Sydney whispered to Josephine, who put the scans up on a large screen that took up more than half the wall. 

It was kind of weird to be looking at my own brain to be honest. I’ve never actually seen a brain scan before, and I was only vaguely aware of what some parts of the brain do. I had a feeling Sydney was aware of that, because she asked, “Someone instruct Ms Jones as to what the prefrontal cortex does.” 

“It’s the region of the brain behind the forehead, so to speak. It’s responsible for organising your thoughts and actions to attain your goals,” one of the Erudite revealed. 

“Correct,” she acknowledged the answer, “But what do you observe about Ms Jones’ lateral prefrontal cortex.” 

“It’s larger than average,” Josephine explained. “But the orbitofrontal cortex is much smaller than usual. That part of the brain is the reward center of the brain.” She turned to me, for once deciding to be the only person in the room brave enough to address me directly. “Usually people who exhibit reward-seeking behaviour have a large orbitofrontal cortex. But since you don’t, it means you engage in very little reward-seeking behaviour.” 

“Not just that,” Sydney cut back in, “It doesn’t just indicate something about Ms Jones’ behaviour—” _and we were back to pretending I wasn’t there—_ “But about her desires. She is not reward motivated, however she is extremely good at directing her thoughts and actions toward her goals. This explains her… harmful-but-selfless tendencies and potentially her ability to wriggle out of simulations. How does this change the approach to the new simulation serum?” 

“It should suppress some, but not all, of the activity in the prefrontal cortex,” someone else announced. 

“Exactly,” Sydney turned to me, finally talking to me directly. “Did this satisfy my end of our agreement, Ms Jones?” 

“Yes.” I sucked in a breath. They’d cracked it, apparently. “It did.” 

Dax was called away so Sydney summoned someone else to take me in silence back to the room. I was surprised to see that it was Murphy, but neither of us said anything. I felt the overwhelming urge to scream. Not from pain, but in frustration. Yes, by being here I was keeping my friends safe, keeping them _alive,_ but I was also condemning every other Divergent if Bellamy and Pike’s alliance didn’t work. 

My mind went back to Bellamy in the simulation, blank just like the rest of them. 

Which was why, when I saw him at the end of the corridor, I almost thought I was dreaming. 

_“No,”_ the words left my mouth softly, too quiet for Murphy to notice. I was mumbling. If I wanted anyone to hear, I’d have to—

He was here.

Bellamy was _here._

He wasn’t _supposed_ to be here. He was supposed to be _safe._

He was being restrained by three Dauntless traitors, and on one side of his head his hair was matted with blood, but he was _here._

I felt Murphy’s hand tighten on my good shoulder to hold me in place but at the same time I barely registered the touch. 

I came here so that my family would be safe. 

“You can’t be here,” I managed to choke the words out, still in shock. “I’m going to die. I came here to _die._ Bellamy you _can’t.”_

He was pushed towards me by Dax and the other soldiers, a gun resting at the back of his skull. In the same moment I felt like collapsing in on myself I somehow managed to get a second wave of energy. I surged towards him and closed the gap between us, leaving Murphy behind as I flung my arms around Bellamy’s neck. Dax tried to pry me away from him.

“Why did you have to do this?” I whispered, “They’ll kill you.” 

Bellamy rested his forehead against mine, his breathing shallow. “You’re _it_ for me. There’s nothing after. You die, I die too.” 

_You die, I die too._

“Would you look at the lovebirds,” Dax sneered. “If Ridley pulled the trigger right now we’d get both of you in one shot.” 

My hand curled into a fist and before my mind had caught up to my body Dax’s blood was splattering across me as I made contact with his nose. “For _once_ in your _life_ keep your goddamn mouth shut!” I growled as Murphy dragged me away. 

Dax cursed as he held a hand to his nose to stop the blood and the other traitors took Bellamy around the corner. “What the fuck, Murphy! You were supposed to be holding her!” 

“She’s a slippery one,” he replied blankly, not in the least bit sorry.

We reached my room and Murphy hovered in the doorway, not leaving even when I started to pace. “I should’ve expected this,” he muttered. “Blake’s an idiot. Is he here with a badly thought out plan to rescue you?”

“If he was here to rescue me, he would have brought backup. He wouldn’t have just— _shit,_ I don’t know!” 

_He came to die with me._

_He came to die with me._

_He came to die with me._

  
  



End file.
